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Original poster

To think rehearsal dinners should be paid for?

127 replies

Sundaycoffee · 04/09/2025 19:50

I'm a bridesmaid at my friends wedding in November. She is a bride on a budget. I've had to pay for my own dress, shoes, makeup etc which is fine and I'm happy to do. The wedding is a 2 hour drive away so I'm also paying for a hotel for 2 nights and quite frankly I can't afford anything more. Alongside the hen, do the wedding will cost me around £600 and that's before even thinking about a gift.
She's since told me that they will be having a "rehearsal dinner" the evening before. I've never attended one before and I'm not sure if I'm being expected to pay for my own meal or is it generally assumed that these are covered by the hosts? I'm a bit concerned as I can't afford more expenditure but asking if I have to pay for myself also feels awkward!

OP posts:
RaraRachael · 04/09/2025 20:35

I've only heard of rehearsal dinners in the US so is this another thing that's infiltrating our culture?

I'd expect the bride and groom to pay for it.

godmum56 · 04/09/2025 20:37

BallerinaRadio · 04/09/2025 19:58

Surely it's not an actual meal though? Surely if it's a rehearsal you'll be going through the meal as it will be on the day just without the food

you are joking aren't you?

LetsTryAgainNowThen · 04/09/2025 20:37

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 04/09/2025 20:34

What was the purpose of this prewedding meal and pub? If you wanted drinks then surely just invite guests to pub. I don’t understand scheduling a meal that guests pay for

Show quote history

We had to have a rehearsal with the vicar and other people directly involved in the ceremony, and wanted to eat dinner afterwards because it was dinner time. It was nice.

SemmaLina · 04/09/2025 20:38

We had a “ rehearsal dinner ‘ but it was Mum , Dad , me and my now DH
Dad paid
Over 30years ago , a church wedding

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 04/09/2025 20:38

Come to think of it I’ve been to one in Hamptons. Attended a wedding for US colleague and there was a meal 2day before wedding just didn’t know it was rehearsal dinner, but come to think of it we did get gifts

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 04/09/2025 20:39

LetsTryAgainNowThen · 04/09/2025 20:37

We had to have a rehearsal with the vicar and other people directly involved in the ceremony, and wanted to eat dinner afterwards because it was dinner time. It was nice.

Show quote history

Ok, I get it. Not a formality thing more a dinner after church meeting

MissConductUS · 04/09/2025 20:40

Yank here. As others have said, rehearsal dinners are standard here. The parents of the groom customarily pay for them, since the bride's family traditionally covers the other costs. I've never heard of guests being expected to pay for the rehearsal dinner.

Overthebow · 04/09/2025 20:40

Usually guests wouldn’t pay, but seeing as you’ve had your pay for your dress, hair and make up which the bride would usually cover I’d assume you will have to pay for this meal too.

GeilistheWitch · 04/09/2025 20:42

The most recent UK wedding I went to had one of these ....not only was everyone expected to pay for themselves, but to add insult to injury the B&G dictated the menu (which was not to everyone's taste). To the op - just tell Bridezilla that you can't afford to add a meal out to the already large cost. Last time I was a bridesmaid, not only did the bride pay for my dress, hair and makeup, but her Dad gave me some cash for my train fare for the dress fittings. (I was a student at the time).

FuzzyWolf · 04/09/2025 20:44

Given that really the B&G should be covering many of the expenses that you’ve already listed, I wouldn’t be surprised if you get a further bill for the dinner. Is it really compulsory?

PermanentTemporary · 04/09/2025 20:46

Just shows how badly we do American customs over here. I’ve been to a rehearsal dinner in the States and it was the best possible fun, and all paid for. Here you can’t be sure they don’t just think it sounds glamorous but will expect you to subsidise them. I’d just decline and say you can’t afford it. They might then confirm that it’s free to you.

CountryQueen · 04/09/2025 20:53

Bride on a budget 🤣🤣 she can afford to be when she’s getting every fucker else to pay for it. The nerve. Yes, she’s going to expect you pay for a “rehearsal dinner”

MissConductUS · 04/09/2025 20:56

PermanentTemporary · 04/09/2025 20:46

Just shows how badly we do American customs over here. I’ve been to a rehearsal dinner in the States and it was the best possible fun, and all paid for. Here you can’t be sure they don’t just think it sounds glamorous but will expect you to subsidise them. I’d just decline and say you can’t afford it. They might then confirm that it’s free to you.

I agree. The rehearsal dinner at my daughter's wedding last year was great fun and a lovely evening before the wedding. It's a way of thanking everyone who came a day early to participate in the rehearsal.

The groom's mother arranged it directly with a little help from our wedding planner, since the wedding was local to us, not the groom's family.

MimiSunshine · 04/09/2025 20:56

on the basis that you’ve paid for everything that would normally be covered by the bride in the UK.
i can’t imagine that suddenly they’ll have rehearsal dinner budget to pay for everyone.

so if just say something like “thank you for the invitation to the dinner, but I can’t afford to pay for a dinner on top of the hotel cost so I’ll just pick up something on the way up”

then she’ll either tell you that she is paying for the meal or she’ll say ok.

if she tries to guilt you into it, just remain firm. You can’t afford it.

Flakey99 · 04/09/2025 21:04

Good grief OP! Stop letting this woman help herself to the contents of your purse whilst telling you she’s on a tight budget. It’s not your job to subsidise her grand wedding plans!!!

You’re doing HER a massive favour by being her Bridesmaid so why on earth did you agree to pay around £600 for the pleasure? Are you enthralled to her or something?

Stop being manipulated into spending any more money and ask her whether she’s expecting you to contribute to this dinner, and if yes, tell her that you can’t afford it and then wait for her to offer to pay.

If she doesn’t offer, make it very clear that you won’t be attending the dinner.

You need to learn to stick up for yourself.

GivingUpFinally · 04/09/2025 21:06

And another American here. The rehearsal dinner is basically a thank you to the bridal party and groomsmen. Usually paid for by the grooms parents and gifts given to show thanks.

I hope this will be paid for, otherwise it's very tacky. Personally, I don't see how you'd be able to gracefully pull out though. I'd ask up front if there is a cost. I wouldn't eat to be caught out on the night or wondering how to pay for the meal and my petrol home.

opencecilgee · 04/09/2025 21:10

Just say, thanks for the invitation but you’re going to have a quiet night, doing nails, early night and take away

PeloMom · 04/09/2025 21:12

We had a rehearsal dinner and fully paid for it.

Delphiniumandlupins · 04/09/2025 21:13

I would expect a wedding rehearsal the day before, with as many of the wedding party in attendance as possible. We have also often had a family/both families meal the evening before. The only time I have heard it called a Rehearsal Dinner was in the US (not sure who paid, not the attendees anyway). However, paying for your own bridesmaid dress is very unusual, if the bride has stipulated what you should wear.

I would be honest "I haven't heard of a Rehearsal Dinner before. What does it entail?" Then say that you are on a tight budget and need to prioritise the actual wedding day. I would be worried that you might end up paying for the bride and groom as well as yourself.

Seelybee · 04/09/2025 21:15

@Sundaycoffee I think you need to simply say to her outright 'Really sorry but my spending for this wedding is already maxed out and I won't be able to afford a rehearsal dinner on top. But have a lovely evening'. Very clear and no room for misinterpretation. And if by some miracle this miserly bride is paying for the dinner she'll tell you then! Job done.

whatasillygoose · 04/09/2025 21:16

I think you should probably expect to have to pay but I’d ask her and say you’re worried about your budget.

I think the idea that the wedding party have to pay for their own outfits etc is really shit. My bridesmaids paid for nothing and I think the best man and ushers provided their own shirts and shoes.

We did our own make up but I paid for hair.

Franpie · 04/09/2025 21:23

I obviously can’t answer for your friend but we had separate ladies and mens dinners the night before our wedding. Our parents paid for them. My parents paid for the ladies dinner and DH’s parents paid for the men’s dinner.

Stillabout · 04/09/2025 21:26

I’ve only been to two- both paid for by B&G

MadCattery · 04/09/2025 21:32

I'm American and can tell you that here, the rehearsal dinner is paid by the groom's side. In the south, a "groom's cake" is also included in the rehearsal dinner. My son married a girl in Pittsburgh, where they traditionally do not have wedding cakes. The early ethnic groups that settled Pittsburgh developed a tradition of a "cookie table" instead, and all of the guests are invited to bring cookies. My son requested two different ones he loved since childhood, so I took dozens of cookies 1,000 miles by plane! Traditionally, it was the ladies-Aunts, Mothers, etc. Now there are bakers of all types, and the cookie table was heaving with fresh baked cookies and containers provided to take some home. I was pleased to buy the grooms cake though, so at least there was a cake at some point! The rehearsal dinner is really a nice dinner get together of the families, and often people who have traveled to attend. Everyone gets to visit in a less hectic preliminary meal. The morning after the wedding, the brides family hd a casual breakfast for the closest friends and family. A simple buffet, bagels and muffins, that sort of thing.

roshi42 · 04/09/2025 21:58

I hope rehearsal dinners don’t take on here in the UK… I never understand how everyone isn’t massively hungover and exhausted for the wedding the next day! Americans are really abstemious, Brits are… not. It would be chaos!