Heartbroken

[AlwaysB19]

4yo DS had his first day in school yesterday. He has asd and adhd. At dinner time in the school hall yesterday he started throwing himself on the floor, rolling around, wouldn’t let any teachers go near him then had a meltdown. He is still in nappies despite us trying to potty train. They called older DS over (year 5) to see if he could help, he managed to walk him back to the classroom.

Eldest DS came home from school yesterday really quiet. Just didn’t seem himself. Said nothing was wrong but eventually got upset and told me that when he returned to the dinner hall a couple of kids from his class and year 6 were laughing saying they could see his see brothers nappy when he was on the floor. Saying why is your brother in nappies then laughing. He said he tried to explain that he has SEN but people kept taunting him.

To say I’m heartbroken is an understatement. It was only his first day yesterday and things like this have happened already💔

To the people that have voted IABU, can I ask why?

I’m so sorry, I’d be upset too. Can you speak to the school to keep an eye on any other unkind behaviour? Well done to your eldest for helping his brother though.

@Trickabrick Yes I phoned the office this morning to speak about it. They said they are aware of it and are keeping an eye on it. I feel so sorry for him and my eldest😞

That sounds very tough on all of you...can I ask if you've contacted the school about the older children laughing? That isn't acceptable and needs to be dealt with swiftly.

Does your younger have support in place? EHCP? TA support etc? Have the school been in touch with you to discuss what might have triggered so they & you can make a plan.

A lot of questions - but this has been my life as a SEN parent - it sounds tough but you have to separate that feeling of heartbreak to really advocate for your children and make sure there are things in place to support them.

I've been there, still am a lot of days despite a move to SEN school for my child. Hugs.

OP it will take a while for school to become a routine and when it does hopefully this will limit meltdowns. Lunch can be a particular trigger with new foods, smells, noise and busy chaos. If the teachers and senco are good they will make adjustments for him.

Heartbroken for you as a mum to a three year old who has ASD, is non speaking and currently in the potty training trenches. Sending your SEN child out into the world is so hard. We spend so much time wishing for people to be kind and patient and it's horrible to read that even when they are, they can face comments from their peers for doing so. Sending lots of love x

@SussexLass87 He has an ehcp. No ideas about anything else as they never got back to me and when I try and speak to the teacher she just cuts the conversation😞 I think I need a meeting with the school maybe? It’s all so new to me my head is all over the place

Meeting with head and teacher

I know they are busy but just to outline your concerns

Your boys sound amazing

I know how hard it all can be

Thank you😞 it’s so incredibly tough. I couldn’t sleep the night before he started for this reason. He’s such a happy and kind little boy it really upsets me that people have been laughing at him😞

Ah I see. That's really frustrating and unhelpful from the school!

When my LO was in mainstream we had fortnightly meetings in person with the senco and deputy head or class teacher - it kept the lines of communication open and meant things could be dealt with quite quickly.

Being cut off and feeling not listened to must be so disheartening.

I'd really advise a face to face meeting - write down what you want them to know about him - it'll help you keep focussed.

When it's all new to you it can feel like a LOT.

What a horrible experience for you all, I am sorry your children’s terms started like this. I hope school step up their neurodiversity inclusion teaching in their school community, those year 6s should be ashamed of themselves.

Well done big brother for being such a good support to his younger brother. Concentrate on that, not the unkindness of others. Don’t be heartbroken, be proud. You are raising amazing humans. Some other parents need to learn how to parent from you!

I just spoke to the school again, apparently the senco has been on maternity leave and the class teacher is doing a handover soon to her. She said at the moment it’s just a case of getting to know the children and in DS case see where his struggles are. They said I will have a meeting with his class teacher, senco and the headteacher before October half term

id also stress to the school that it isn’t your eldest sons place to be pulled over to help out. It’s amazing he did and he’s a great older brother but he’s not there to be called over when the teachers weren’t able to cope

I put pants over the top of my 5 year old's nappy (the trunks kind).

I hope they both have a better day and that school do some awareness work with their pupils

Crikey!

Who on earth are the posters completely lacking in empathy who voted that you are unreasonable?

The parents of the horrible children?

Why don't you explain yourselves? Or do you like kicking people when they are down?

I'm sorry this has happened @AlwaysB19

That’s horrible. I’m so sorry.

This is shit, I’m so sorry for all of you. The school needs to do better, for both of your sons.

I think it’s very unfair for the school to get your eldest child involved in pacifying the meltdown.

He’s a young child himself, and it’s not his responsibility. That’s a surefire way to breed resentment and fast.

I agree with this. It’s fine if he goes over to help of his own accord, but they should not be going to get him to help.

When you speak to the school it would be helpful to agree with them about when or indeed if eldest DS should be involved in the support of his brother. Its quite a burden to place on him if they are going to use him as their go to to calm his brother. As far as the other children are concerned, I'd encourage DS to respond with 'He is disabled. You shouldn't laugh at disability.' Or similar stock phrase to use as an automatic response, dripping tap style. I'd also be asking the school how they were going to address these behaviours in other children.

Other posters have some good advice, and this is a horrible situation. I just wanted to say how wonderful your older boy sounds. If only the adults in the school could show the same care and empathy for your lovely little boy who's struggling

I’m so sorry!! How sad for you all.
your DS1 is clearly a wonderful brother.

they should not be ‘keeping at eye’ on the year 5s and 6s’. This requires action ( a stern talking to and discussion).
id go back to school and say a meeting ‘before half term’ is not good enough. You want to have a clear plan as your son is clearly struggling. speak to the teacher sooner than then is the very least.

I’m sure they are busy and trying hard on the resources available but you need to prioritise your son’s needs and care.

That's awful and the school need to nip this in the bud straight away and they shouldn't be using your older son like this either.

If you're able, or can contact a charity to do so, I'd suggest to the headteacher that they need to do an assembly to discuss different needs of children in the school. Children are there to be educated, and they need to learn what is and isn't appropriate when socialising, and they also need to know how each child in that school is different. Send the HT some resources, get in touch with charities who support people with ASD and ADHD and disabilities, they often have resources that can be used in schools.

I'm so sorry, it's difficult enough to raise children, it's even more difficult when the children around them are raised to be little shits.

And I don't know who the posters are that think you are being unreasonable, but this is mumsnet and nothing surprises me on here .