Heartbroken

[AlwaysB19]

4yo DS had his first day in school yesterday. He has asd and adhd. At dinner time in the school hall yesterday he started throwing himself on the floor, rolling around, wouldn’t let any teachers go near him then had a meltdown. He is still in nappies despite us trying to potty train. They called older DS over (year 5) to see if he could help, he managed to walk him back to the classroom.

Eldest DS came home from school yesterday really quiet. Just didn’t seem himself. Said nothing was wrong but eventually got upset and told me that when he returned to the dinner hall a couple of kids from his class and year 6 were laughing saying they could see his see brothers nappy when he was on the floor. Saying why is your brother in nappies then laughing. He said he tried to explain that he has SEN but people kept taunting him.

To say I’m heartbroken is an understatement. It was only his first day yesterday and things like this have happened already💔

I’m so sorry that this happened. You are not at all unreasonable for feeling like this. Please try hard not to be too upset about the other children’s reactions. At their age things like pants/nappies/etc are still really taboo and the idea of a nappy is babyish to them. We know it’s so much more complex than that (also there’s a very high chance that at least some of them still wear them to sleep in so there’s maybe a deflection thing going on too). It’s great that you’re staying close to the school, in my experience you’re going to need to be extremely firm and demanding with expectations.
they do need to get to know your child, and understand him and this is going to take some time. It wasn’t a bad move to ask his sibling to support as in that moment it sounds like he needed that comfort and I hope you can feel proud of their relationship and how wonderfully your older son handled supporting and protecting his brother.

Thanks so much to everyone who has been supportive and have given me advice.

I still would like to know off the people who said IABU the reasons why. Although as someone else pointed out, this is mumsnet and nothing surprises. Maybe they are just people who get a kick out of other people’s problems and enjoy people’s misery🤷🏻‍♀️ At least there are still posters on here who are lovely and make me feel less alone.

Had a little cry not long ago🫢 at how different DS1’s school life started vs DS2’s. I know you shouldn’t compare but I guess that’s part of being a mum! Just wish I could see into the future😞

I am angry for you 😡😡😡

Great parenting those bullies' parents are doing 😡🤢

Edit, how is it going trying to get your youngest into a special needs placement? Keep up the good fight.

My dd is autistic and is worry all the time about her. Luckily your youngest has his older brother who will no doubt see the tossers who arent worth his time. Sorry op xx

It really makes my heart warm at how just by this thread I can tell how some people bring their DC up. I know that not all children are like this and that makes me happy❤️

Well, before he left nursery, I had a meeting with an educational psychologist who said his needs weren’t high enough for a specialist place. I did say I disagreed but she said I should at least give him a chance at mainstream first. I felt like I was being backed into a corner now I am wondering if I should have fought more.

It’s his second day of school today and I am already worrying about year 1 and wondering how the hell he is going to be expected to sit at a table and do actual work.

I shouldn’t think like that as it is still early days and I have faith it him but god it is such a worry

I would start talking with the ehcp coordinator and get the ball rolling on saying you dont think he can handle mainstream

I'm sorry, you haven't done anything wrong and he may adjust fine, but its best to start making clear that a special needs place might be what you want

I've never heard of an educational psychologist, I dealt with the senco at the nursery dd was at and then the ehcp team of my local borough, would definitely speak to them ❤️❤️

My son has been in a special school since reception and he's in year 11 now ,if you think a specialist setting is more appropriate for him than start gathering evidence now many children do start off in mainstream and go into a specialist setting when it's clear their needs are not being met I'm sorry though that it's such a struggle to get the right setting for him.

An educational psychologist is often used to determine if their is a learning disability ,when my son was three and in a mainstream nursery he was assessed by the educational psychologist who recommended his needs would be best met in a special school although I know there are different types of special schools.

With the reception class he’s in now, it’s not too bad as there is plenty of indoor and outside space (which is what he needs) and the class this year is apparently not large. I feel like he will be fine in there as like I said there is plenty of space for him it’s just dinner times and assembly times (which not a cat in hells chance he’ll sit there) which worries me. Story time and circle time he won’t do either. I have not been given information as to whether or not he’ll have a 1:1. I guess they just need time to figure out his needs. I just feel constantly sick

The educational pyscologist also said that he may not cope in year 1 which broke my heart too as if that’s the case then he’ll have to move schools and start all over again. My heart just breaks

About 27 people have voted that the OP is unreasonable. Who the fuck does that?
OP I’m so sorry your DS is having a difficult transition to school. I do hope he gets all the support he needs and starts to feel safe there.

What does it say in his EHCP about a 1:1?

Nothing it just says that he’ll need support 80% of the time? I feel so upset that I haven’t challenged this sooner

You csn ask for a review ,sometimes EHCP,s csn be very woolley, it's not your fault but you need to it too state in black and white exactly whst support he needs often children will get a 1:1 for a set period of hours, some children might get one full time .

They should not have called your eldest. I have a Y5 and would be really upset at it. It’s not his problem to solve. Also the school is failing in educating the kids about SN.

My heart is broken for you. There is nothing we want more than our children to fit in and be happy and that most be really hard for you. Your eldest is incredible to support his younger brother this way and you should be so proud of him. Although I agree with a pp that the school should not put this on time. If it's is first day then it might just be the change for him that's caused the meltdown and as he settles in he might improve, see how it goes and continue being a loving, supportive mum..xxx

Sorry op that's a rough start for everyone.

For what it's worth I think you need to decide with the school about your older sons involvement. I don't think he should have been called on to sort this out, that's what the staff are for and he shouldn't have been put in that position in the 1st place.

Unless he actively got up and came over (which I think is different. (if the sibling wants to help if they can). It puts him into a caring role that he wasn't prepared for and then was followed up by bullying from classmates which the school also need to address.

My child is still in nappies and we found the button vests for older children really helpful for hiding their nappy when out or at school. You can get them online. I know its not ideal but it'll help avoid similar issues and coupled with the school being proactive on bullying etc, could hopefully help you overall!

@AlwaysB19 My little girl started last week. She is non verbal 5 year old with ASD. Also having a challenging time. Got called to collect early once and off sick for 3 days due to bug. She went in today and didn’t want to go in the door of the school. She has attended early intervention (ASD preschool) for the past two years). It’s a huge change for her, new teacher and new classroom. I’m hoping she will adapt as time goes on. I would be raging if this happened to my daughter. I’d insist that a note went home to each of the children’s parents explaining what happened. Some parenting needs to happen.

Hello op. I don’t have any constructive advice I’m afraid but just wanted to offer you some really strong solidarity. What a rough start you all had yesterday. I truly hope today has been better for you all.

I will say though that you need to stop beating yourself up. You are doing your absolute best in very trying and difficult circumstances in a system that is new and alien to you, a system that is notoriously difficult to navigate. What’s done is done now. Don’t beat yourself up, move forward all together.

good luck to you and your boys op. You all sound just lovely.

I don’t think You’re being unreasonable but the ones that selected it, done it out of badness with no real reason.
that’s why it’s likely you’re not getting answered

That's so tough, I feel sorry for them both but especially for your older one, how do you feel about the school calling on him to help? Did you consider deferring your son and giving him an extra year in nursery since he is only 4?

Ahh okay thanks x

Dont worry honestly, you weren't to know how his start would be

Agree that the 'yabu' likes are people being dickish

Definitel6 start the ball rolling on a sen placement if you can, op xx

Unfortunately OP kids are cruel and it isn’t just because your son is in napppies (although that’s what they picked on). I don’t know any child ever that has gone all the way through primary without being picked on or laughed at for something. Private, state, rural, city etc. children can be cruel.

I don’t say this to be mean or unempathetic but rather to say while it feels very personal it really isn’t.

I think speaking to the school about reminding the kids to be kind and respectful is important and they should enforce this. There are a lot of years of unkind children ahead (no matter the school, year, area etc) so supporting your children to be resilient is really important here too.

I was 50/50 really. Grateful that he’s such a lovely older brother but then guilty that he had to deal with the taunting.

I feel so guilty and ashamed to say that I had such a difficult summer holiday with him that it never even entered my mind. He turns 5 in February. When could he have started? I don’t even know I had the choice