Heartbroken

[AlwaysB19]

4yo DS had his first day in school yesterday. He has asd and adhd. At dinner time in the school hall yesterday he started throwing himself on the floor, rolling around, wouldn’t let any teachers go near him then had a meltdown. He is still in nappies despite us trying to potty train. They called older DS over (year 5) to see if he could help, he managed to walk him back to the classroom.

Eldest DS came home from school yesterday really quiet. Just didn’t seem himself. Said nothing was wrong but eventually got upset and told me that when he returned to the dinner hall a couple of kids from his class and year 6 were laughing saying they could see his see brothers nappy when he was on the floor. Saying why is your brother in nappies then laughing. He said he tried to explain that he has SEN but people kept taunting him.

To say I’m heartbroken is an understatement. It was only his first day yesterday and things like this have happened already💔

I’m so sorry this happened. I actually think this is serious enough for you to email the headteacher and put all of this in writing. Year 6 is old enough to know better and the school must deal with it. I endured years of teasing due to my autistic sibling and you must see that this is nipped in the bud immediately.

People who keep voting IABU…why? If you’re here to vote you’re here to comment. If you have any advice please state, if not you’re clearly just horrible people!!!

This is really sad OP. I don't actually blame the school for calling over your older DS as they obviously have not yet built a relationship with your younger DS so they were just trying to help him - making a dynamic assessment in a very difficult moment. I'm not saying it was 100% the right thing to do but of course it is something I'd want to discuss with them and come up with a plan for what would happen to support your younger DS next time.

For your older DS's class who have been laughing at him (which is vile by the way) I would want them all to be talked to by the teacher about difference and disability. The reality of your younger DS having a disability is nothing to be ashamed of and the fact that he wears nappies is a part of his disability - they need to know this. I've actually had this type of situation happen in schools I've worked in; on one occasion a parent came into school to talk to the child's class and even on one occasion the whole school (brave Mum!) I'm not sure if you'd be feeling this brave or if the school would even allow it but I think it would help for the children to just be told the truth and then any further bullying or inappropriate incidents like this could be swiftly dealt with - although I find it does nip things in the bud.

I'm so sorry and sad for you all that this has happened - a stark reminder that we are yet to be a fully inclusive community for all. I do hope the school step up.

I’m so sorry. I don’t know you or your children but reading that made me feel really upset for him. Can the school put any support in for your elder son as a carer? Well done to him for helping his brother! I’m really saddened to hear he was teased as a result of his brothers disability 😢

@AlwaysB19 sorry you are going through this, children at that age are particularly cruel
in my experience …to give you some hope for the future all of my son’s secondary school gang of friends are not neurotypical , adhd, autism, Asperger’s, dyspraxia they are all so accepting of themselves and each other, in mainstream secondary school, it gets better but won’t lie and say easy road but you will get there

Just to add to the above about complaining to the school, I would also ask them about counselling for your older boy. A lot of schools have counsellors now. I so wish I had had someone to talk to about my experience as a sibling. The charity Sibs is also really really good and have lots of resources for siblings: Sibs charity

I might be missing the point here but Why are year 6 and reception in the hall or corridors at the same time? i thought they had to be separate. We have a separate entrance, separate playground just totally un mixed at all times…. I though this was standard procedure for Early Years exactly for reasons like this?

my sympathies on the rest.

I am in Scotland so not sure how is works in England, especially as the cut off dates are different. Someone else might be able to tell you. It might not be too late to move him back if you decide that's what's for the best. Was there no discussion the nursery as to whether he was ready? Up here the nursery would be flagging this up with parents long before any decision was due to be made.

Im really sorry op. My son is year 3 and still in bloody nappies, he won't entertain not wearing them (he is toilet trained but he only poos on the toilet). My daughter got embarrassed as she was year 5 when he started but people got used to it soon enough and didn't taunt her. Hopefully kids in your kids school will soon get used to your don and stop being so mean

Obviously your focus is on your youngest son at the moment - totally understandable as it must be so difficult trying to handle the adjustment to school when he's still only four and has additional needs that make things more complicated for him. But it was your older son's situation that actually jumped out at me. The school really shouldn't have called on him to help them deal with his little brother's meltdown like that. He sounds like a lovely boy who obviously cares about his little brother, but it shouldn't be his responsibility and the school shouldn't have put him him in that position. It's awful that his classmates were being disparaging about your youngest child, but ultimately your youngest child is actually oblivious to that at the moment (and hopefully will remain so) and it was your older son who was affected by that. I think I'd definitely be inclined to discuss that with the school, as well as the needs of your four-year-old.

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this kind of stress; it must be incredibly hard. I hope things do get easier as your youngest child starts to adjust over time and the school get used to his needs.

You sound like a great mum - try not to beat yourself up. Hope today went better.

try to get a quick meeting with his teacher even if it means hanging around d until all the other children have been collected x

Hey OP

There isn't a manual for SEN parenting and I wish there was - because it can feel so overwhelming. I'd really push back about the meeting and get one asap - with the teacher and someone from SLT.

It shouldn't get to the point where he's getting so distressed, they should have realised that he was feeling overwhelmed.

That's something I learnt...I almost started off apologising for him at first, then quickly realised no hang on, they're meant to be looking after him.

It shouldn't get this far that he's so dysregulated (I'm also a teacher so I know how tough it is for schools...but at the end of the day the children should be the first priority)

Is there a local SEN Facebook group? I'm in one and it's invaluable for advice. Sendias too for advice and finding out your rights.

I paid a SEN consultant to look over my son's EHCP (about £200) and that was really helpful.

I still feel a twinge of jealousy seeing all the happy kids bouncing into school just fine...and I wish that was me. But our kids have so much worth and value and amazingness to offer the world...just know that you're doing the best you can for him! (But also know it's okay to push back with the school and advocate for him) X

I think its poor and id be cross that they used older dc to manage younger dc. Iv 3 sen with younger two more severe and school never used my older child to manage the younger two.
Id ask for meeting asap with school, contact NAS helpline to get advice on getting a clearly written ehcp

For your older son, please take a look at Sibs - for brothers and sisters. They support siblings of disabled children. Www.sibs.org.uk

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/education/extra-help-at-school/england/ehc-plans

I’m sorry op, no advice but I’d be so upset too.

Sounds like he's in the wrong school.

It's tough for your older child to have to try to 'parent' in this situation. It's not his place, or responsibility.

Probably due to using the word heartbroken.

Some people may have pressed the button without realising it when scrolling. I’m forever clicking on ads when I’m trying to scroll. Some people like to be nasty. I wouldn’t think too deep about it, our brains always fixate on the negative stuff.
Are the school going to address the taunting and teasing of his brother. That really stands out as not ok. Non of it’s ok,

I hope the school is doing something to address the behaviour of the children who were laughing that is terrible behaviour and needs addressing.
You say your child has an EHCP does it include access to a support assistant.? It sounds as though he needs someone with him and I agree with PP that the school shouldn't get your older son involved it's not his responsibility. The SENCO bring away isn't an excuse for the lack of support he seems to have or for attitude of the older children .
I hope things get better soon

Oh that’s strange🤣