Leave whilst DS is still small or stay in UK despite loving it ? Please vote

[inabitofapredicament]

I am going to try to keep this as short as possible. Moved to UK for university 14 years ago, found DH and created a family, we live in beautiful part of the country and get on so well with DH family and have lots of friends and a great school for DS. Jobs also great, we are not rolling in it but comfortable.

The plan was always to move back to my country of origin (within Europe) however it has proven very difficult to get adequate jobs for both of us, and it would be very hard for my DH to find friends there as the mentality is quite a closed off one (part of why I left in the first place!)

However the quality of life there is incredible and I miss my family. We visit them very often.

As my son is getting older I feel increasing pressure to make a decision soon and I am terrified of doing the wrong thing either way I decide.

So in short- would you move in my position to be nearer my parents and being able to assist them should they need me, and for objectively higher quality of life despite us loving it here where we are in England?

Would you actually have a higher quality of life living somewhere that you find culturally closed off and where you can't find an adequate job? Sounds like you already make up your mind?

I should have probable given a proper AIBU option here!

AIBU- you are silly to leave

YANBU- you should leave whilst still possible/ child is small

The quality of life for your DH doesn’t sound as if it was that good… and hot for either of you if you can’t find good jobs.

You love it here, you are thriving, if quality of life is great for citizens in your home country there should be lots of support for your parents?

Sorry, I didnt explain this well. Higher quality of life on paper- such as, better weather, amazing healthcare ( I have great experiences of the NHS but I am talking about wait times) being in central Europe so great for travelling, and having my parents nearby.

I love the people in England though and my son's primary school, plus most of our friends are here.

I can't see how the quality of life would be better if you have no jobs and the community wouldn't be tolerant of outsiders like your DH. It seems a bizarre move?

An unemployed (unemployable?) depressed friendless father does not sound like a great lifestyle for a child. Stay.

You should be asking your DH not us.

Your DS will adapt very quickly, but you have noted several downsides for your DH. He needs to be fully on board for you to even consider this.

It would help to know the country but does your husband speak the language?

He will move if the job is okay, so that's the only thing we need to put in place. Whilst not the friendliest people in general, or better put hard to make friends (as people dont tend to move much and establish their social circle at an early age), my DH knows my friends and gets on very well with them and with my parents.

He has done several courses and understands a bit, but the accent is very heavy where I'm from so it would be tricky for a bit

Moving to your country sounds really tough for your DH. As someone who moved away, I realised I could never ask my DH to give up all I had naively abandoned.

As an ex-pat living in England with 2 DDs, I recommend you stay put and enjoy the high quality of life you currently have. Teach your DC your parents' language and visit frequently, especially for longer stays if possible. Or bring your parents to visit if that's easier.

A childhood friend was living in the south of France and met a lovely British man. They tried living there but he struggled to find work/friends even though he spoke some French. Ultimately they moved to Bristol.

Seems very one sided... moving closer to your family - further away from DH family?
DH unable to get a job there
DH unable to make friends there
Doesn't speak the language

If I were DH id be very reluctant if im honest. He will have no job, no support network, no friends, hes all alone (aside from you), As someone said, being an unemployed, unemployable, friendless father doesn't make a person happy

If the roles were reversed you'd be getting flamed here for suggesting your dear wife move away from everyone and everything she knows to a place she would be cut off, unemployed, jobless, friendless, cut off to move closer to his parents.

Honestly, it does not sound like a great move for you dh. Sounds like he would be existing there and not living.

That's not quite how it is, to be honest. My DH gets on splendidly with my very sizeable extended family, is welcomed with open arms by them and my old childhood friends, and he loves holidaying there (we spend a considerable amount of time there every year). However my country is known for being quite hard to settle in for expats as people don't tend to move around a lot and keep their friends from an early age.

Thank you so much for your reply. This is probably the best thing to do. It just seems that it's easier in the UK to make friends- I have a friend where it worked out the same as for yours, they moved abroad and then her husband had a very tough time making friends and connecting to the community, so they moved back to Scotland.

But maybe if we found him a good job and in time he would adjust?

...just to add, yes we go to my home country a lot and DS is very good at the native lingo!

I think that posters take was pretty accurate from what you've said to be honest. There seems to be no positives in this move for him and the only positive for you would be, being closer to your family but that seems unnecessary if you see them for a large portion of the year anyway?

It's also not comparable that he enjoys holidays there as the day to day reality of living in this country would be nothing like it is when he's on holiday.

There is more to life than work. Yes, you have a sizable family there and friends but at the end of the day they are your friends and family. He knows them because of you and have no choice but to get on with them.

It doesn't sound like you really want to move there, never mind your DH. You already visit a lot, you're happy in the UK, so why move at all?

I am bias here (see below) but I'd say given you mention you and your DH have good relationships with your friends and family there, your DS can understand the native lingo, you spend a lot of time there holidaying etc. You've even had good experiences with the NHS besides wait times, you like the UK and happy here.

The grass isn't always greener and you chose to move here, met your DH and chose to have a child here with him. He sounds like he'd give it up for you and your DS because he loves you but it could cost him a lot more than it'll cost you to stay.
You have almost the best of both worlds right now, moving could tip that massively out of balance.
Your account of pros and cons, there are more cons to moving and pros to staying.

Maybe move out there when your older and DS is an adult? Use your holiday opportunities now for your DH to expand his social circle out there.

I will say I am bias because I suck at new people, and I moved somewhere 15 years ago without a choice and I never fit in, made friends, or even felt the same safety and comfort that I did before.

How will your DH find a good job though if he doesn't speak the language fluently? I've lived and worked abroad and it's SO different living somewhere where you can't communicate properly vs. going there on holiday. It sounds like your DH is happy to do the latter, but I very much suspect that he will be miserable if you make this move.

This country, particularly the SE, is an easy place for foreigners to feel at home, plus you clearly speak fluent English and have completely integrated. The older you are when you make this kind of move, the harder it is, and becoming fluent in another language as an adult is really hard. I would honestly stay put OP. Spend your summers in your home country, visit often, bring you parents over here for visits too, but I would stay living in the UK, because nothing you've said makes me think that your DH will be happy living in your country permanently.

You seem to be trying to convince yourself that the move would be good for your DH, whereas it's only good for you, and neutral for your young child.

I moved for a few years to a UK village (for the sake of DH's work at the time) which was as insular as you say -- people didn't move away, or if they did, they came back asap, everyone had known everyone for generations etc. It was god awful. People were literally psychologically under-developed, through lack of contact with strangers, in part, I think because they'd never really had to think about who they were, how they presented, how to relate to people who hadn't known them all their lives. If everything is blue, you don't need a word for 'blue'. It was a miserable period, and I was speaking my native language, and had friends elsewhere in the country I was able to see with relative regularity.

But to move to a country where I didn't yet speak the language well, to an insular place where my only friendship options were were my spouse's childhood friends and family, and where there was literally no advantage to me in the move?

I think you'd be looking at a speedy divorce.

having been an expat for years, moving back sounds like an awful decision, and benefitting you rather than your family. Crap job prospects, no friends, not even being able to speak the language - I see no reason why your DH would enjoy this.

For your son, going to school in the other country would probably be great for his fluency in the other language, but it sounds like he's getting regular exposure anyway. For husband, not so good at least at first. Depending on his field, some employers may actually use English for official business, but it can still be tough if everyone's speaking another language for social communication at work. Husband not able to find a suitable job is a big issue; there might be ways around it like 100% telecommuting (again, depending on his field), but then you also have him being isolated as the contact at work is one of the best ways to meet people. Also, you mention having a ready-made social circle that already know and embrace your family, but would you necessarily be in the same location within the country if there are few choices for jobs?

Situation with parents is unpredictable but it sounds like you're already able to get back to them often. I'd be more comfortable staying away now if I had the flexibility to go to them right away in an emergency and stay for a bit if needed; not sure if you have that currently in England or not. Cost of living/quality of life is very personal but I don't think it would be a big draw for me UNLESS it was poor in the place I was thinking of leaving, but it sounds like you are fine with what you have now. Ease of leisure travel would be a big draw for me to central Europe, but the UK is still well connected and a decent base if you're financially comfortable. Cultural conservatism/inward focus can be grating - when you live in a country and are routinely dealing with issues at work, school, and socially - in ways you don't always notice as a visitor, even a native one. But I'm not sure many places including the UK are becoming more open and progressive at the moment, so best use your judgement and knowledge of the two countries to figure out is this should be a concern.

Does your son have dual citizenship? If he does and will continue using/learning the language then I don't think you'll be making a decision that cuts him off forever if it turns out he is more attuned to the other country; he could still choose to live there as an adult if he wants. BUT the choice is relevant for things like university if he goes. Even if he attends a secondary school flexible enough to prepare him for uni in either country (a school offering an IB program, for example) being outside the UK for the three years before he'd start means he pay foreign student rates. OTOH there might be equal or better uni options in the other country, especially if it's EU (so more options internationally) and he may face the same residence issues going there from the UK without the residence history.

Overall, it sounds like you've found a place you love and if your husband and son are also happy, I'd probably stay put.