Leave whilst DS is still small or stay in UK despite loving it ? Please vote

[inabitofapredicament]

I am going to try to keep this as short as possible. Moved to UK for university 14 years ago, found DH and created a family, we live in beautiful part of the country and get on so well with DH family and have lots of friends and a great school for DS. Jobs also great, we are not rolling in it but comfortable.

The plan was always to move back to my country of origin (within Europe) however it has proven very difficult to get adequate jobs for both of us, and it would be very hard for my DH to find friends there as the mentality is quite a closed off one (part of why I left in the first place!)

However the quality of life there is incredible and I miss my family. We visit them very often.

As my son is getting older I feel increasing pressure to make a decision soon and I am terrified of doing the wrong thing either way I decide.

So in short- would you move in my position to be nearer my parents and being able to assist them should they need me, and for objectively higher quality of life despite us loving it here where we are in England?

If your husband hates it and wants to come back, but you don’t, he’s stuck- presumably you’d stay with your son, so he then has very limited options.

I am usually all in favour of people moving for a better life/opportunity, but you've listed lots of very good reasons to stay and not really many to leave. I think, for me, the job situation would be the most important. Quality of life can go (or seem) downhill dramatically if you can't find a job or are constantly struggling for money. If you both lined up good jobs, I'd take the risk and go.

Whether you go or stay, your DH should invest more time and effort in learning your language, particularly as you visit home often and want your child to be fluent. Is there a big community that speak the same language where you're living now? If not, you will struggle to find a Saturday school (there isn't one for my language, for instance, and I live in London) and it will be more challenging to teach your child.

Thank you for your message. My DS is almost fluent in the other language as I speak it to him at home and we spend lots of time in my native country so Saturday school is not necessary for now. Good point about DH trying to learn the lingo- he's done several courses but life has been so busy recently he's not really kept it up- and no we live rurally so there is no big community of speakers

I would go, you have been in his side of the world for 14 years, he will adapt like you adapted.
The language he will learn quickly like most do when immersed in the environment.
The only issue will be the job.
Austria has amazing health care, scenery, near to Germany, France, italy
The UK is going downhill fast in Education, health care and general quality of life
I would move tomorrow if I could

The best time to uproot your lives is when you are unhappy and know what you would like to alter. If you are all happy right now and do not want anything to change, then it's going to be hard for all of you. Just keep reassessing over the years, if you all keep up the visits and language then the time may be right in future.

To be honest, recession is also very much felt in Austria, the food prices are almost double that (or at least, more than a third) more expensive than in the UK. Yes the healthcare is fantastic over there, I agree.

It's more things like, my neighbors are the same since 3 generations, my son will never be exposed to multiculturalism as he is here, generally if you don't like skiing or football there are not as many clubs over there etc. etc. So it's the little things that I prefer over here.

Really in reality it is a head over heart decision, I know that on paper, and in general, AT is probably better but I feel more comfortable here.

Do you think my son would be OK moving in a few years time though?

How old is he? We moved countries when DS was about to turn eight, and while circumstances were complicated by Covid lockdowns etc, it wasn't a straightforward matter for him. Five years on, despite in many ways being 'settled', he's still intermittently nostalgic for his former life in the country in which he was born, and is quite clear that he would have preferred not to move.

Two things -- (1) we wouldn't have done it had it not been very much in each member of the family's best interests, personally and professionally/ educationally, and (2) we should have done it earlier if we were going to do it (only neither of us work in fields with a great deal of mobility, so it was a matter of waiting for jobs to come up.)

I can talk from my own childhood experience.
i spent all my primary school years in a different continent to the one I was born. This was due to my father’s work.

The whole family moved back to our home country when I started secondary school.

The pros are that I am very adaptable! Great memories of living in a different culture.

The negatives are that I never quite felt “settled”. Don’t have a strong feeling of connection with my own country as a result.

Personally, it sounds like you are settled happily in the UK, your son has strong roots here but also enjoys visiting your country.

In your shoes I would stay.

A lot will depend on his personality, but my experience is only secondhand so other people's advice on age for a move will be more relevant to you than anything I say.

I am also thinking, what if one of us gets cancer for example? Is the cancer care comprehensive here in the UK? So many people are moaning about the NHS it scares me sometimes....

A member of our family had excellent cancer treatment in the NHS. This was early 2024.

I would stay. You say you have a happy life in the UK. Your DS might adapt but even at primary school age it would be hard. We decided not to move from a city in England to the coast of Wales where I grew up for that reason.

We spent our summer holiday in an Austrian village in Styria. It was beautiful but I can imagine it would feel very isolating for someone who’s not from the area and doesn’t speak fluent German.

I'm so glad to hear you had a good experience! And I hope your family member is well and had a very speedy recovery!

Honestly, if there’s any possibility at all of you moving you must get him into a German Saturday school. As you well know, reading and writing is very different in German and it won’t come naturally just because he speaks it, especially if he’s only “almost” fluent. Does he have exposure to other children speaking German? German media or TV? Books? Raising a child who is confidently bilingual in a non English language in an English speaking country can be really difficult as English dominance/preference becomes standard and English the default. It takes work to counter that.

Yes, we read German books every day together. Saturday school is only once a month and to be honest he has enough on at school, I don't want to put too much pressure on him.

Closed off mentality ... not very friendly.

Stuff that for a game of soldiers as they say!
Stay where you are... you are all happy. Think how awful it would be for your son to be uprooted to somewhere unfriendly when he is happy and settled.

I guessed it might be a German speaking country 😊 - I was also thinking Switzerland - I think if Switzerland yes but sorry - no to Austria.

I think it's fine to change your mind. You always thought you'd move back but you've created a life now that you don't want to leave. You've said you have great friends here, great jobs, your DC is happy and loves the school, you've had good experiences with the NHS.
I vote stay given your own reasoning. Glad everything ha worked out so well for you!

Oh and re Austria...their politics is absolutely terrifying.

They are bad yes, however the bad guy didn't get in charge last election as noone wanted to form a coalition with him.

You sound happy here and are perhaps looking back through rose coloured glasses a bit.
At the moment, everyone is happy with friends, good school, nice place to live etc. I wouldn't uproot all that just because you might have a good life in your home country. It doesn't sound worth the risk at this point in your lives.

Same for him if you move...