Leave whilst DS is still small or stay in UK despite loving it ? Please vote

[inabitofapredicament]

I am going to try to keep this as short as possible. Moved to UK for university 14 years ago, found DH and created a family, we live in beautiful part of the country and get on so well with DH family and have lots of friends and a great school for DS. Jobs also great, we are not rolling in it but comfortable.

The plan was always to move back to my country of origin (within Europe) however it has proven very difficult to get adequate jobs for both of us, and it would be very hard for my DH to find friends there as the mentality is quite a closed off one (part of why I left in the first place!)

However the quality of life there is incredible and I miss my family. We visit them very often.

As my son is getting older I feel increasing pressure to make a decision soon and I am terrified of doing the wrong thing either way I decide.

So in short- would you move in my position to be nearer my parents and being able to assist them should they need me, and for objectively higher quality of life despite us loving it here where we are in England?

I get the pull. I also lived abroad in different countries for many years and returned from the UK to my native country after a couple of decades. I haven't looked back once as my quality of life is much better where I am now (Scandinavia) and a lot of that is because I moved to my roots, rather than somewhere on paper better. On-paper-better is only better if you enjoy most of the other aspects of living in the country.

I think I would be reluctant to move with someone who is going to struggle to get a job in the new country. Even if he does get a job, there is always the risk of him losing that job at some point and then what? It will be a lot of pressure for you to make it work for everyone basically. I would only move if he is the driving force behind it.

where are your Dh’s parents/family?

you talk about moving nearer to your parents, but won’t you be moving away from Dh’s? Why do yours need you nearby and his don’t?

Is it Poland you are considering moving back to?

I lived abroad previously and loved the quality of life etc but ultimately decided to come back to the UK as it was far away from family. Sometimes I wish I hadn't moved back as there are definitely aspects to life over there that I would love to have now with kids but feels too hard to move the whole family now we own a house, DC settled in schools with good friends etc (obviously could be done though). It is just really difficult when you have aspects of home in two places and you may never feel like you have made the right choice but it sounds like the right thing for now is to stay with job, friends etc but that doesn't mean you could never move if for example a dream job came up for your DH there in a few years

Best of both worlds then

No, Austria

Thank you so much. I totally know and understand what you mean- it brings so many positives to have two "homes", but it can be very tricky sometimes as you feel like you say that your heart is in two places!

I knew it would be somewhere German speaking! Just a hunch 😁 Honestly, I grew up moving between Germany and the UK (moved back and forth 3 times by the time I was 12) and I would have been happier just settling in one country. Part of me feels like I don’t really ‘belong’ in either, my cultural touchstones are all muddled up. In terms of the language, spending the summers there should be enough to secure his German. I would suggest a Saturday school for expats to make sure his writing skills keep up. But don’t move him unless you really need to, feeling settled and with roots is something impossible to replicate.

I was wondering if it was!

Would it be possible to do a trail move for 1 year and see how it goes? How old is your child?

I think the language will always be a barrier. It is very hard to become fluent in a different language once you are an adult.
Wouldn't it be hard for him to get a job if he doesn't speak the language?

I was going to suggest this too.

Your DH is obviously very familiar with the country now and has visited often. Making that final break and moving there permanently is a very different thing from visiting family.

Haha yeah, we are not exactly known for being particularly warm and friendly 😂😂😂Honestly its such a difference to the UK

Would it be possible to do a trail move for 1 year and see how it goes?

but wouldn't that mean giving up jobs and school place in UK with no guarantee of being able to return to them?

I have thought about this, but my DS loves his school and the primary schooling system is very different from the UK. He's in the middle of learning the phonics etc and learning to read in German is completely different to English, it would be a huge upheaval and we have a house in the UK with a mortgage. So ideally any move would be final really, it would also be very expensive to move countries twice so I want to avoid moving back and forth a lot.

Thank you so much, this is all very interesting to hear someone who has been through it! :) Yes I agree with you- if possible I don't want to move back and forth.

I’d guessed either Switzerland or Austria from your description, glad to see I was correct 😁

I’ve actually lived in Austria for two years as a Brit and completely agree with your assessment of it. If you’re in an area where the accent is very strong then that’s a real barrier in my opinion - if he’s learning German that’s a start but to me (already quite fluent in German when I moved out there), Austrian German felt like a different language entirely! I am not sure what kind of work he could do unless it was something where being an English native speaker is an asset e.g. language teaching?

I did know a couple of non-natives out there who’d married Austrians and they seemed to settle well but they were both confident, extroverted people. I struggled a bit as an introvert.

Good luck with your decision, I do know what you mean about the quality of life but in many ways I was glad to come back to the UK, both countries have their strengths in my view.

Depends where really. The long term forecast for the UK is economically and socially bleak. Some other parts of the world are in pretty much the same pickle.

Austria? Hmm. No.

Thank you for your reply! Haha...yes, I find those stereotypes mostly ring true 😅😂I agree with you, both countries absolutely have their strengths. My DH has quite a specific skillset and has a very "employable" degree, the problem is that in the part of Austria where I am from, job opportunities for that sort of work are limited- the closest would always be a big commute or totally work from home which also really doesn't help in terms of getting to know people!

Your DH might end up hating it and being resentful if he is not fluent in the language. You are always on the outside unless you have a very good command the local language, and don’t underestimate how long that can take. If it is a country with lots of international jobs and community he might be okay though.

I would stay put, for all the reasons PPs have cited, but ensure that you make regular trips home.
If neither of you has a comparable job to your current ones, there will be a knock-on effect on your general well being and lifestyle.
Austria is lovely (I live in Germany and used to spend quite a bit of time in Austria visiting friends) but I agree that it is challenging with regards to creating a social circle.

Haha, in what way do you mean "No"? 😂Genuine question as I am unsure what you mean!

It's Austria and the recession there is also very real, though for most people the quality of life is still incredible.

I know this sounds ridiculous, and I have no reason at all to not trust my DH (he's a wonderful man and does everything for us) but one of my concerns is that should things go down the drain then I'm "stuck" here and won't be able to move ever again...