MIL. Am I over reacting?

[Twointhehand1]

MIL can be a busy body and a bossy but this really irks me and I can’t put my finger on why this particular thing bothers me so much.

DH is an only child with a small extended family. He has one aunt, MILs sister and she has 3 adult children, all around our age. We don’t tend to send each other greeting cards for any occasion but we do wish them happy birthday etc on the family WhatsApp. I don’t think that the lack of a physical card bothers any of us.

MIL is a prolific card sender. Makes her own and gets everyone a card. Over the years she’s repeatedly asked if we’re getting such and such a card and we’ve replied ‘no’ and explained that we don’t exchange cards, so she is aware of where we stand and the lack of a card isn’t a mistake. They also don’t get us cards either.

Despite this she repeatedly purchases cards on our behalf and gives us them to sign. Eg, sign this before you go and I’ll take it to x with mine. She never asks for payment but I find it really controlling. I’m an adult and I know how to purchase a card if needed. I don’t get my own adult cousins cards and feel forced into doing something that I’ve explained that I don’t want to do.

Tonight she’s arrived at our house ‘just passing’ with a wedding anniversary card for cousin and wife for us to sign.

DH finds it annoying but says it’s not a hill to die on. She has a tendency to get sulky etc when they disagree and DH feels that it’s petty to refuse to sign the card and it does no harm to actually send them.

YABU-sign the bloody card
YANBU-it’s a form of control. Refuse!

Does your DH actually disagree or does he ‘disagree’ because you do? Given that he still signs the cards suggests he doesn’t feel as strongly as you and might just be making right noises to you to show he’s on your side.

Just ignore it. You aren’t asked to sign anything, no pressure on you personally leave your DH to deal with his mum. He’ll find his voice if he really hates it that much.

What a farcical exercise. So everyone’s receiving multiple cards at the behest of one person? Surely everyone realises mil is behind the pack of cards? If she can’t leave you out of it altogether can’t she sign ‘love from Cardi-B and family’?

This has just reminded me, my Mum sends an elderly cousin a box of chocolates every year allegedly from my sister and I (she had an 'elderly auntie' role to me and my sister when we were kids and always bought us xmas/bday/easter/graduation/childbirth/every occassion gifts etc). I'm in my late 40's and sister is in her 50's 😆 and this cousin must he in her 90's.

My cousin once removed is one of the few people I still send a Xmas card to though, after she is away I'll probably give up sending any. Last time I met her was probably 35 years ago at a family funeral.

He disagrees with this and more however it’s him that deals with the fallout and sulking if he were to push it. He does push back on lots of things. He just doesn’t think this one is worth the inevitable fight. I do try to ignore her. Tonight just really wound me up, when she arrived, unannounced with an unwanted card in hand.

Ignore it. My mil has a habit of passing the phone to me to say ‘hello’ to random people. 99% of the time they can’t even speak much English so beyond a hello / how are you there isn’t much else to say.

I do it as it important to her. We all have slightly bonkers mils that do odd things. When we are mils ourselves here’s hoping our future daughter or son in law embrace our bonkers behaviour as well!

My MIL is a lovely woman but is prone to “policing” card sending/birthday greetings. DH and his siblings would generally just post happy birthday type messages on the family WhatsApp chat, and sometimes give a physical card +/- present if it’s a significant birthday. SIL (DH’s brother’s wife) was 40 recently. We very rarely see her, and we generally don’t do gifts eg we don’t buy for each others DC, I didn’t receive (or expect) anything from them for my 40th. We were unable to attend the party so DH gave MIL a card to pass on, as she was attending the party. God knows why he didn’t just post it. Unbeknownst to us, MIL slipped some money into the envelope, which we discovered when SIL texted to thank us for the generous gift!

This!

I get you OP. I have a similar MIL. She isn't 'bonkers' or 'set in her ways' or any amount of the suggestions some posters have made. She is manipulative and controlling and tries both sulking and tears to get her own way.

I'd try to put a stop to the unannounced calling around for one thing. Don't answer the door. Tell her you're on the way out/in a rush/taking a work call EVERY TIME. Screen telephone calls. The only way to deal with this is to put some distance between you.

Who knows……SIL may have been being sarcastic when there was an empty card 🤣

I empathise with all of this. We had something similar with one of the cousins children. We had the usual forcibly signed card and then MIL insisted that we put money inside. DH said no and she got her purse and put £20 inside. This time, I spoke out. We don’t do gifts for my cousins children as DH and I agreed not to. We have 18 children to gift if we did that and it wasn’t necessary. It turned into a massive fight that lasted weeks. She’s never insisted on money again but continues with the card enforcement.

i think it’s a generational thing. She probably thinks it’s really bad manners and/or shameful that you don’t send a card so does it to ‘help you guys’ save face.

I think it's a generational thing, my grandmother would do similar as she thought it was bad manners not to send.

If it keeps her happy, not sure I would invest too much energy in it.

Yes, just sign the cards. Pick your battles - if that's the most controlling thing she does, you're lucky!

It's generational - and her upbringing means it matters to her and she probably does feel not sending them means not being thoughtful.

Our family used to send shedloads at Christmas, now only a few as we can do most of our greetings online. Mum loves getting and sending, so we do.

But I think the cost of postage alone may kill them off.

YABU, just sign the card. If isn’t costing you anything and it’s a nice gesture. This is a generational issue - for her not sending a card seems like a massive deal. Just humour her as it’s really not hurting you or anyone else.

YABU - sign the card. Pick your battles especially with MIL.

Do Millenials hate cards because quite a lot of us had to write an absolute tonne of thank you cards despite saying thank you in person?

It's so wasteful too when you think about the resources going into manufacturing and moving cards around during their short lifespan only to be thrown away. The same message can be delivered in much less wasteful ways.

I can be a bit petty so I would refuse to sign the card. If you keep signing she’ll keep buying them and I hate being told what to do.

I’d be tempted to tell her it’s for environmental reasons and you’d really rather she stopped killing the planet on your behalf.

My mum loves a card (in her late 80s) if she lived near me she would totally do what your mil does
I think i agree with dh, not a hill to die on. Let him sign the cards

Or what her with a rolling pin and bury her under the pink hydrangea. She will turn them blue

I’d just sign it. It clearly bothers her. It’s no skin off your nose. To be honest I couldn’t get worked up about it. You could be more tolerant. There are much worse mother in laws out there. Why not see it as her trying to be helpful. Instead of “being controlling?” Maybe you’re the one with the control issues.

My own mother in law was a mighty character. Someone you might describe as “high maintenance “ . She’s older now and has Alzheimers. How I miss her larger than life personality.

Sometimes people seem controlling, but it’s coming from a place of love. Try to reframe it. She brought your lovely DH up. So that’s one thing she got right isn’t it?

Definitely controlling. Is there any scope to say that you have ethical objection to cards for environmental reasons and it’s one of the reasons you generally don’t do cards? The other thing that strikes me if someone receives a MIL-bought card then it ruins the dynamic of ‘we don’t send cards’ and puts the recipient under somewhat of an obligation to reciprocate.

Could be worse, my fil used to remind ME to send cards to dh's relatives and my dsis would remind me of my many great nieces's bdays, in Australia, which would cost a fortune to post. It would annoy the piss of me mind.i

@Twointhehand1 I suspect this is much more about MiL’s controlling and manipulating behaviour overall, but this is the final straw in terms of an obvious example of undermining you, dismissing you, not respecting boundaries, interfering, etc..

Definitely a generational, typically more female, thing.

She sounds like hard work!!

Why is it always an issue or she is controlling? Makes her happy and saves you a job. Winner.

You have hit the nail on the head here I think.