MIL. Am I over reacting?

[Twointhehand1]

MIL can be a busy body and a bossy but this really irks me and I can’t put my finger on why this particular thing bothers me so much.

DH is an only child with a small extended family. He has one aunt, MILs sister and she has 3 adult children, all around our age. We don’t tend to send each other greeting cards for any occasion but we do wish them happy birthday etc on the family WhatsApp. I don’t think that the lack of a physical card bothers any of us.

MIL is a prolific card sender. Makes her own and gets everyone a card. Over the years she’s repeatedly asked if we’re getting such and such a card and we’ve replied ‘no’ and explained that we don’t exchange cards, so she is aware of where we stand and the lack of a card isn’t a mistake. They also don’t get us cards either.

Despite this she repeatedly purchases cards on our behalf and gives us them to sign. Eg, sign this before you go and I’ll take it to x with mine. She never asks for payment but I find it really controlling. I’m an adult and I know how to purchase a card if needed. I don’t get my own adult cousins cards and feel forced into doing something that I’ve explained that I don’t want to do.

Tonight she’s arrived at our house ‘just passing’ with a wedding anniversary card for cousin and wife for us to sign.

DH finds it annoying but says it’s not a hill to die on. She has a tendency to get sulky etc when they disagree and DH feels that it’s petty to refuse to sign the card and it does no harm to actually send them.

YABU-sign the bloody card
YANBU-it’s a form of control. Refuse!

My MIL was like this . Lined up cards ready to post each month. Then she got hold of the card making craze and we were inundated. My own family dont really care about cards that get thrown out . Especially now with the price of them plus postage . But I knew it meant a lot to MIL so got my DCs to send a big card at Xmas to Nanny and Granddad , pictures inside, etc. My DH got an earful because she did not receive a seperate card from the two of us.

I think it probably is generational, and is not a hill I’d want to die on.

But I also feel it is controlling. I have a controlling. I have a MIL who insists on texting us all a reminder for each other birthdays. As if the mere fact we might fail to send someone a happy birthday text would ruin the whole family dynamic. We’re all nearly 40 no one cares.

The patronising “don’t forget it’s Emma‘s birthday on Thursday” makes DH and I roll our eyes. but she thinks it’s really important.

I believe that when someone says no to something, it should be respected in any scenario. Just because it’s her family doesn’t give her the right to do what she likes, when we’ve both said no on more than one occasion.
DH also finds it weird and annoying but thinks it’s easier to just go along with it because she’s notorious for sulking for weeks if you disagree.

It’s definitely a generational thing. My mum does this too. ‘I’ve got a spare card if you want it?’ all the time because she knows I only send them on special occasions. I only give Christmas cards to her and my aunt (her sister) because they’re the only two people I know who care about cards. She also expects me to read through the birthday cards she’s received when I visit on her birthday, she spends ages choosing cards with the ‘perfect wording’ inside them and she got onto me before for binning my cards the day after my birthday instead of leaving them up for a week on display in my house. 🙄Different generations have different priorities. I agree with your husband, it’s annoying but not worth falling out over.

This is the weird thing, we absolutely do get her cards. We know they’re important to her so we ensure we never miss. She feels that we should get ‘everyone’ a card and forces this!

Oh god we also get this too.

‘don’t forget to wish x good luck with his new job/back to school/happy holidays/safe journey’

its a generation thing, not a mil thing.
My mum does this too, and my nan does it to my mum.

I am very glad that my own mum doesn’t do this! I’d feel more comfortable telling her to do one 🤣

Have some fun with it, everyone forced into signing cards should put fake names, make it a family tradition.

E.G

Happy Birthday Cornelius, hope the haemorrhoids are better this year! Lots of love from Bob & Mildred.

This would irritate me too, but ultimately, I agree with your husband, pick your battles, this one just doesn't seem worth it.

I would sign Minnie Mouse or Claudia Winkelman and see if she notices…

I’d say no again and tell her it will be embarrassing for them because it goes against what you agreed between yourselves.

That sort of logic is the only one my mum seems to understand.

Cards are dying out a lot now, but that’s harder for the older generation to accept. Last couple of bereavement's, i’ve had flowers sent by local florist and she writes on the little card thing, but I haven’t bothered to send a card. Largely as I’ve already messaged the friends anyway and also flowers are sufficient. I do still birthday cards (via funky pigeon as i’m 250 miles away and its easier than buying a card and posting) and I get family cards but i’d like to stop altogether as a what’s app would do!

Oh gosh mil, I'm a bit embarrassed about this. Are you aware that younger people don't really send cards anymore? We do it all electronically, then we can have a bit of a chat. Anyhow, happy to sign this as you've gone to all the effort, but let's make this the last one.

It’s not a hill to die on. My mil is the same - I sign as and when - it makes her happy, fine.

Agree it’s not a MIL thing.

I have been married 24 years, I have never had a card from MIL.

I care for her now, very advanced dementia. Her comfort is getting me or my children to write or draw cards for people. Often me.

She keeps going back to my best friends mums funeral, I did the eulogy for her. Her mum was a card writer. We used to laugh, oh a card from aunty Angela. Spring, Easter, birthday, anniversary. December. Christmas. New year. Halloween. she signed them from everyone. Children, grandchildren, pets, neighbours.
Oh how I would love one now.

I think this is a harmless little quirk and I would just smile and accept it.

I can see how this may be annoying to you, but I would not call it controlling. You can choose to sign it or not, it is up to you. But I have to add, if this is the worst thing you get from your MIL, you are a very lucky person.

But she just keeps on bringing them and asking you? Sympathy - the woman must have the hide of a rhinoceros.

My family are shite at cards - we’ll do birthdays and Christmases if we remember in time, but that’s it. I’ll usually try and send cards and weirdly can’t throw them away. They all go in a box upstairs - I genuinely don’t know why.

My DH’s family are proper card senders. We even get Easter cards from the all. Easter. I didn’t even know they existed until I got together with him. MIL used to buy cards for him to sign but gave up after a while - I did a concerted push on sending cards for a year or so and every time she gave one to him to sign it was “Oh, I’m sorry you wasted money on a card, we’ve already sent one.” Then I phased out the unnecessary ones when she gave up.

Do whatever works for you, OP! It does sound quite bonkers

I can very honestly say that shes done much worse and more hurtful things but thats a story for another day. This is why im surprised this annoys me so much.
I suppose I see it as controlling as it’s her way of manipulating us to do what she thinks should be done. We say no we’re not doing that and she makes us in a passive aggressive way.

I am sorry you have an unpleasant MIL @Twointhehand1. Of course, none of us know what the other person is going through and I apologize for assuming. I am not a MIL yet, but have three grown kids and I can say I "make" them do things sometimes I know they do not like doing, and signing cards is one of them. 😩 It is true that us old(er) people like things done is certain way that we see as proper, and I see how it may be annoying to young folks.

I'd see it as a challenge to see what wacky names I could creatively sign without her noticing.

I agree that it is controlling OP.
If it wasn't about cards, it would be something else.

Presumably she stands and watches as her son signs them too and then takes them off to post/hand deliver them so you can't write a silly message in them without offending her.

I wonder if you could say just sign them on our behalf to her so you are taking you/your DH completely out of the 'exchange'?

It’s a generational thing entirely. MIL was obsessed with cards and there would often be the suggestion we should send a thank you card in return for getting a card. Nonsense.

She also harassed us not to forget to send cards because ‘otherwise we would forget’. Except DH never does. She never rang BIL/SIL who never sent cards, because she considered them organised people. 🤷🏻‍♀️

An elderly man I know says he still sends cards for his dearly departed dw's family. He says it's all a code to check in who's still alive!!