Grandparents role....

[Justcallme83]

Just wondering what the expectation would be for grandparents that see their grandchildren two to three times a year.....

Obviously mountain climbing isn't on the agenda due to age, but generally, if everyone's in the same house for a period of 4 to 5 days is it typical for them to engage, put them to bed, get up with them sit and play ect or as the parents be as hands on as if you were at home

I’d say parents would do the same as at home, but would ask grandparents if they would like to read bedtime story, play a game, etc - ie invite them. I’d expect grandparents to engage and be interested, but I’d expect parents to come up with ideas that might work.

Would depend on the age but I wouldn’t expect grandparents to put my children to bed. I’d expect to be as hands on as at home especially if they only see the children 2-3 times a year. Depending on age of grandparents (my mum was almost 80 when my eldest was born) I expect interaction, talk to them, play with them, read with them. I wouldn’t expect them to do hands on care.

I agree with @Talipesmum they need some help to learn about grandkids, their personalities, their routine, their habits. Also about your parenting boundaries as the parenting style changed a lot.
I would say they should provide interest and you should provide activities. And you should be realistic in your expectations depending on ages both children and grandparents.

We see grandparents a similar amount due to distance.
We were just as hands on as when grandparents are not around, they did engage and play with the kids, but not anything like taking over mornings and bedtimes.

These are all really great inside, sadly my parents have both passed away so I don't have much of a comparison, from what I recall when my siblings had children my parents would offer to babysit so that my sister / brother could have a night out, offer to take them out in the day just to give you a little bit of a break, or sit with them on their lap and engage. And I'm not getting that much from my partner's parents, but maybe my expectations aren't realistic. So thank you everyone🩷 baby is two for those who asked.

I wouldn’t expect grandparents to be doing any of the parenting bits so putting them to be, getting up with them- no.

But I would expect grandparents to engage with them/get involved playing, if they weren’t going to do that then I wouldn’t really see the point in visiting, however not instead of me/dad, just as well as. So we’d still be just as “hands on”, just with some extra hands added in.

You'd be mountain climbing if they were younger?!

I think it's very difficult for GPs to find the line between being engaged and interfering, especially if they're paternal GPs and don't see a lot of DIL/GCs.

I wouldn't expect anything, but I'd do lots of offering. Would you like to do bedtime story? etc, and if there were things I wanted of them, like babysitting, I'd ask rather than wait for them to offer.

@Justcallme83 - I think some grandparents do that but I’d imagine they’d be around more than 2-3 times a year. Some do a day or more a week childcare. My mum would have loved to babysit but I wasn’t at all comfortable with it so I only asked when really desperate. My youngest was about 12 when I took my eldest to a music lesson, gone a couple of hours, and she (dd) sent me a photo of my mum sleeping on the sofa. Fortunately at that age it was just having someone in the house but it seemed the kid was more in charge than the grown up. Don’t forget a 2 year old is very hands on which gets harder as you get older. Honestly grandparents really vary a lot. I’m sorry your parents aren’t around to enjoy your little one.

I’d also add that I think when they only see them twice a year, they may not feel comfortable taking them out or watching them overnight alone to be honest- especially at just two when they won’t have that bond.

2/3 visit a year grandparents are more just some extra hands during playtime than practical help/respite I would think.

Don’t think I’d expect a great deal from grandparents the dc only see 3 or 4 times a year, tbh. Are the dc comfortable with them?

I really just wanted to sense check. I was of the mindset. It takes a village to raise a child, but that might be an outdated view.
I think part of it might be the fact that my parents have passed and I really want my child to have a great bond with the family she does have left and from observing. It's just not there but I'm sure it will come in time.

I agree it takes a village, but grandparents you only see 2-3x a year are not your village. It’s hard to really build that bond with such little contact time to be honest because they aren’t truly present or involved really, I am sorry about your parents I can only imagine how hard it must be.

I'd expect them to just want to do the fun stuff. I don't think it's unreasonable for grandparents who have already spent their time parenting their children to not want to parent their grandchildren. If they want to do things like bedtime that's a bonus.

I wouldn’t expect grandparents to get up early with them nor do the bedtime routine unless they specifically asked to. I would expect them to engage during the daytime which could mean sitting on the floor playing with them but equally could be doing baking, pottering in the garden or taking out for a walk

Just spend time with them ...play the games they want within reason, teach them new things, read to and with them, talk to them, watch films together if they are old enough. Maybe take them out to the park, beach, cinema etc.

It isn't an outdated view, it is just that these Grandparents aren't your village.

I grew up in the 60s and my Grandparents didn't visit us often at all as, for a number of reasons, it made more sense for us to go to them when my parents were able. I don't have any memories of them babysitting us or playing with us (other than cards, as we got older). As people we saw twice a year, we didn't have that sort of relationship. They cooked for us and no doubt enjoyed seeing us and seeing their children (our parents) and catching up with us all, but they never took over the parenting.

Having lost your parents, and having your in-laws far away, you need to develop relationships with other people to form your village, as my parents did, and as we did when my parents died relatively young.

I think it really varies from grandparent to grandparent.

My Mum (in her early 60s when she became a grandparent, in her late 70s now) did a lot of the hands on care with my brother's DC, she lived next door and knew the kids very well. She did far less with my kids when she saw them (we lived far away so only see her a few times a year). TBH I found it quite hard work having her to visit because she was like another child wanting my attention and was no help at all with the DC. However, she would babysit when we visited her so I think it was mainly about wanting to do things her own way in her own space - she didn't like doing childcare in our house.

My MIL (10 years older than DM) has always done lots with the kids when she visits, e.g. she would play games with them or watch TV or read books. Basically, she would do lots of fun stuff and the kids loved the attention so it would really help us. When she got tired she'd go to her room for a snooze. We didn't expect her to babysit or take them out. And now as teenagers they all adore her even though they are now all more capable than her. You get what you put in.

No to be honest I would not expect them to come in and “do parenting”, such as bedtime. If they only see the kids 2-3 times a year I would assume that you carry on with normal routine - they could do the fun stuff, play time, read a book, perhaps they might want to cook a meal or lay the table. Babysitting would also seem unlikely if they don’t have that much of a bond.

Growing up, I only saw my maternal grandparents once a year.

They absolutely did not do bedtime/bathtime, babysitting, reading a story or playing.

What they did do was: buy lots of stuff they knew my parents wanted to get me but couldn't afford, go on lots of outings with us all as a family and spend lots of time talking to me. They cleared their diary so I wasn't jostling for attention from GCs they saw more frequently. My grandmother also crocheted loads of clothes for me when I was little.

So I'd go home with a memory of having a superfun time, being spoiled rotten and having a whole new wardrobe of clothes that GPs had bought/made for me.

I was way more bonded to them than the UK grandparents I saw more often who had a tendency to drone on about how amazing my cousins were.

I wouldn’t offer to babysit 2 y.o. whom I saw only 8 times. I’m not particularly baby skillful, I only had one child and 2 is a tricky age.

That said OP I get being disappointed and hoping for something different. My expectations of my ILs weren't even that much compared to my peers that get regular childcare from theirs. I just hoped for regular visits and them maybe taking them for the odd outing once they were school age.

When the GP only see the children a few times a year it’s not reasonable in the same way for them to take over as if they lived locally and saw them once a week. Especially if they are young.

Or maybe the grandparents want to have a chat with their OWN child instead

I think their age plays a massive part. My DM did loads with my DC when they were little (she was 60 when first was born). She was be able to take over entirely in emergencies and have all 3 for the odd weekend. However my brothers DC came along 10 years later and she didn't have as much energy. She could no longer get on the floor and play (and at 55 my hips already complain about that) for instance.
But she was quite local and saw my DC at least weekly.
My MIL is not local but still had them in bed with her in the mornings when we went away together to give us a break and did have them for the odd overnight. But again age has caught up with them.
My DC love both sets.