Grandparents role....

[Justcallme83]

Just wondering what the expectation would be for grandparents that see their grandchildren two to three times a year.....

Obviously mountain climbing isn't on the agenda due to age, but generally, if everyone's in the same house for a period of 4 to 5 days is it typical for them to engage, put them to bed, get up with them sit and play ect or as the parents be as hands on as if you were at home

Neither sets of grandparents ever did anything to help us but they were both older. Both still expected drinks and meals to be made for them.

They would hold the DC from time to time but neither ever did anything practical like wiping a runny nose, changing a nappy, taking them to bed, playing with them or offering to baby sit, neither did they ever get up with them and let us have a lie in.

I gather from the post you are disappointed/aggrieved and probably best to lower your expectations.

I dont have expectations of grandparents of either side they do what works for them which i agree with, people use 'it takes a village' rarely when they want help more when they want others to help them a village works both ways

But we have children because we want too we dont check with grandparents first so why should we expect anything of them?

My DC only see my dad and step-mother about that often because they're in the US.

They have always played with the DC, will help prepare/plate food, will read books on the sofa, took infants for short pram walks, etc. But when the DC were young my DH or I were still flying the plane and doing almost all of the care-routine; we instigated games we knew our DC liked, figured out what they would eat and when, took initiative on planning outings/activities, did the actual bath and putting in bed, etc. Our DC have a good relationship with my parents but DH and I actively fostered that and it wasn't about them helping us, it was about us helping them and our DC to enjoy time together. They see each other infrequently so I want to make sure that time is focused on enjoyment not me getting a break or my parents doing the un-fun tasks of parenting. We see DH's parents far more often and they have a different role because of it.

As our DC have gotten older (with more margin for doing things differently than mum and dad do and the ability to express what they want or don't want) it's easier to leave them and my parents to it for longer, including an overnight without DH and I (but with tween/teen siblings) on this summer's visit. They also facetime and trade photos/videos regularly which helps the relationship.

Gd is 16 months and I only see her 3 or 4 times a year. I stayed for 4 days last week, read her her bedtime story on 2 nights, brought her downstairs when she was getting a bit upset in her cot and dd wasn't moving. Played with her lots. My other dd has a ds and she is not so keen on me getting involved so I don't.

I'm sorry both of your parents have died, that must be hard.
Can your in-laws spend more time with your little one? As the don't see each other often it will be hard for them to be comfortable and also for your 2yo to be comfortable.
could you suggest things that they can do instead of waiting for them to offer? They might not want to step on your toes or interfere.

But if they only see them two or three times a year the bond won’t be there. I’d expect more from grandparents who you see regularly, but there won’t be a familiar bond if you see them so rarely.

It depends on the grandparents! My FIL lived in Spain for a time, so although we Facetime, seeing him in person was probably twice per year. He's never been a :hands-on' grandad, and was never interested in playing/putting my son to bed/reading to him. My FIL lives back in the UK now, about 70 miles from us, my son is a teenager, and his Granddad's interest in him is still fairly superficial. The polar opposite of my parents, who live closer and are very 'hands-on' Grandparents. Are the Grandparents the type of people who want to play/read stories etc? If so, then ask - Mary would you like to read Tom, is bedtime story tonight. Suggest helping at bedtime etc.

It depends on the grandparent. My mum 75 has my son for the day, takes him out to all sorts of places, has him for sleepovers, bakes with him, and picks him up from school x 1 a week. She will soon take him to swimming lessons. He's 6. She's always done this. She will actively offer to have him stay.
My DH mum 70 will have him for the day, won't even take him to the park around the corner but will do lego and activities in the house. They watch quite a bit of tv. Never overnight. My DH dad 71 and step mum 76 will have him for the day, do activities at home and in the garden, and have him overnight occasionally for us to go out but we generally have to ask to make it happen. If it's your in laws is it a surprise to your DH they aren't overly engaged? My DH fully expected the limits his mum puts on engaging with our DS. We are grateful for all the help but there are differences between the 3 households.

Just another perspective for you to consider.
My eldest DC is 38. My youngest is 18 with two more DC in between. I have been a mum that has cooked and cleaned, wiped noses, looked for lost school work,wiped tears ect ect for 38 years solid.
I am tired and need a rest.
I'm not really in the market to be a full-time grandparent at this time. It might sound harsh but I don't want to now start bringing up grandchildren. I don't want to be responsible for anymore little people. Sometimes I think adult children expect too much.

@Orchid2025 I'm in a similar position, oldest 34, youngest 17 with 2 in between and whilst I'm always happy to help my dc with my gc I'd rather do the fun stuff! If the parents are around they do the putting to bed, changing nappy/taking to the toilet etc whilst I'll play with gc, read bedtime story etc.

It also depends on the relationship outside the visits
We visit one set every 6 weeks ISH. But outside that there is 3 x a week video calls, where they sing silly songs, read stories. Ask what she is up to etc (and have done since before the age of 1).
So when we are there they play, they sing, read silly poems, read stories. And my parents do early mornings- they get her a cup of milk and read stories to let us rest. But it works due to their relationship as they see her on video regularly. They also will do a bedtime normally on the last night when we go out for dinner!!

If you only see each other a few times a year, both sides might feel pressure — parents hoping for help or bonding time, grandparents wanting to enjoy but not necessarily “parent” again.

Not all grandparents are cut from the same cloth.

My kids are grown now but when they were little, my mum and stepdad were full-on engaged. They would take them on holiday, or come and housesit and look after them if we were away with work, if we holidayed together they would pitch in with all kinds of things and loved reading them a story and putting them to bed.

My dad and stepmum never babysat, not even once, not even when I was desperate and begged them, just for a couple of hours. Not interested. When we were in their company, the kids were mostly ignored. They were seen as a chore to be avoided.

DH's parents found the children entertaining and would play with them but didn't do any of the caring stuff.

Zero expectations of what grandparents do. It’s up to them.

I think given the lack of regular contact I wouldn't expect my kids to be comfortable enough with them for their grandparents to be putting them to bed etc. I'd expect them to play with and have fun with the kids but no parenting as such.

My Mum was very hands on.
My PIL had to be asked to do anything - like read a story at bedtime, never looked after DD without us being there and were very hands off.
Nice people but not very involved GP.

I really feel for you OP. My parents are incredibly hands on and do so much for my little one - and they actively enjoy it and wouldn't have it any other way. My in laws are a very different kettle of fish, equally lovely but not hands on at all. We have been on holiday with both sets, and my parents would actively ask to do bath and bed, and would take my little one out in the day for ice cream or a walk etc, would happily make her food and basically be extra parents to her. My in laws would maybe read one story if I asked them to 🤣 So I don't think that you're wrong or outdated, but I just think that all grandparents are different and unfortunately your in laws may prefer to play a less active role.

If the children only see the gp two or three times a year they aren’t going to be happy being cared for by virtual strangers. Until they are around 5 they aren’t going to remember them clearly and be happy to be alone with them. As they get older they will probably be happy to be left alone with grandparents or go out with them, but until they develop a relationship with them that would be difficult.

Maybe invite your in-laws to help out? Ask whether they!d like to read a bedtime story etc. Maybe they don’t want to intrude.

People do climb mountains, you know that right?

Agree, my dad has done plenty of mountain climbing with my kids!

I think it depends on different factors, how old they are, younger grandparents obviously have more capacity to help, also on their personality, some people would love to help, but wouldn't do so without being invited for fear of interfering, have you had these kind of conversations with them?

I personally think parents should be the ones doing the parenting, perhaps asking for support to nip off for a shower or something, but ultimately their child is their responsibility. My parents helped with babysitting occasionally, but if we were visiting it was still on us to do the caring.

My brother now has a couple of little ones of his own and he has a very vocal belief that when gp or other relatives (me!) are around its “our turn”. Like they had children and we should be grateful and do our bit. Don’t get me wrong, I adore those children, but I’ve done my bit (mine are much older, I’m past that point!) and I do begrudge the expectation. It wouldn’t be so bad, but he also likes to critique the care on offer too 😵‍💫😂. He’s a cheeky fucker, no one has the guts to say anything though as the fallout isn’t worth it.

My husband, in his 70s, has no problem taking the kids up mountains, and we both cycle with them. We find it much easier to develop a bond with the grandkids when the parents aren't around, because we don't want to step on their toes or do things they'd do differently. If your children don't get to spend time with them alone then they're not going to be close - but they can have a different role to the one you envisaged, perhaps.

One thing I learnt when raising my kids is don’t “expect” anyone to engage with your kids.
if they do, it’s a bonus

everyone is different, including GP. Not enough is made of fact that most parents are great at parenting, and enjoy parenting at specific age ranges. I, for instance, am bored silly by kids under 2. But I love them when they get to terrible twos. I’m fine with younger teens but bolshy 18-20 years is hell. 😱

what matters is how motivated I am to help. I don’t have gc yet, may not ever. 😢at this rate 🤣. But I do have great nieces. I offer emergency cover to support there normal grandparent care day when GPs are on holiday etc. BUT currently it is a bore frankly. But that’s partly cos I have nieces in their home. Mine not childproofed. So I’ve nothing to do when there but “play”. Never much been good at that. But I can’t wait till they’re old enough to do some crafty things, baking, taking them to cultural things etc and even just chatter way. In meantime I do hands on parenting to build that relationship

my mum died young- only briefly nana to my very young kids. My dad was around but completely un interested. Couldn’t even remember birthday fgs. My ILs lived hundreds miles away. Old school. We saw them maybe 3 times per year, they’d never do parenting, but, my very elderly 80plus FIL would get himself down on floor and play with kids for hours. He loved babies , and he dotted on them as they got older. My ILs wrote to kids randomly, spoke on phone (pre mobile video call days), would send random parcels. So, not parenting. It was their own “thing” and ritual with the kids. Not close. But kids knew they cared deeply for them.

your ILs will do what they want to do, and feel most equipped to do, at each different stage of your kids lives. Don’t expect them to parent, they are not the parent. If they do parenting tasks, bloody brilliant. But always encourage the relationship in the way they want to and leave it flexible to change over the years. My niece and nephew (30s now) hardly knew their gran ((not my parent) when they were small kids as she lived so far away, but as they got older formed an incredible bond with her, becuase she was always interested in them, and was engaged in what they were doing. She’s 90now and frail and they speak to her Weekly, Visit often, and are very close.

there is no standard. It has to do with distance. Age of both kids and GP, in terms of stage they’re at. And just generally what the GP enjoy, don’t get worn out by etc etc.