Grandparents role....

[Justcallme83]

Just wondering what the expectation would be for grandparents that see their grandchildren two to three times a year.....

Obviously mountain climbing isn't on the agenda due to age, but generally, if everyone's in the same house for a period of 4 to 5 days is it typical for them to engage, put them to bed, get up with them sit and play ect or as the parents be as hands on as if you were at home

But i had to be happy to allow them to do things their way. If I wasnt happy with what my DM or MIL fed them then I wouldn't have asked her. Its ok to ask for help, but not to dictate how that help is undertaken (as long as safe). So my MIlL gave sweets etc. I was fine with that. Its a treat.

I’m sure in a 4 day visit there is plenty of time for that!

They see them 2-3 times a year, why on earth would they do bedtime. Your child is 2, so barely even remembers who they are so why would they want them to do any hands on care stuff anyway.

Also can you imagine them coming and doing all this stuff- there would be an issue with not doing it according to the DIL!

Whatever everyone agrees on. I would say that these are the sort of grandparents we have. They talk to them, watch them play, say ooh lovely, wow, at the right times, maybe watch a movie or read a book. That’s about it. Our parents have never put ours to bed (except the very few times they ever have babysat for an evening), or taken them for a day out, or had them for a sleepover. Visits mostly consist of them watching them play and sitting on their phones (the grandparents, not my children). My eldest is 12, so not little, but they just have never been very hands on or confident with them.

We had a similar situation and would visit for up to 5 days at a time due to distance. GPs liked to do bedtime but we did the rest of the parenting. Nephew came along 10 years later, not such a great distance involved so they only stayed for weekends but far more frequently. BIL & SIL completely opted out of all parenting and left everything to GPs, even the time he fell off a high stool in the kitchen and bumped his face. DH and I were there and dealt with it, his parents didn’t turn a hair as ‘Granny was there’. Still makes me cross 10 years on!

I'd expect (or hope!) that they might take them out for an hour to a park or something. Jigsaws etc at home, colouring.

Definitely no putting to bed.

It's tough if you only see them a few times a year as that really close relationship isn't as developed.

Age 2 is still very young. If the grandparents don’t spend a lot of time day to day with you, they’re probably not confident in doing bedtime / baby sitting. Maybe suggest that next time you visit, you and DH could go out for an hour together at a non difficult time of day, keep it easy. And then the following year, maybe a little bit longer? We don’t have any grandparents nearby though we saw both sets more like 4/5 times a year, and we didn’t leave them for evening babysitting till they were a bit older. Got way easier when they were primary school type age, we could leave them with grandparents on a visit while we went out for the evening occasionally.

I would also add that I had some non local grandparents who I only saw a few times a year and I was very very close to them, I loved them lots, it wasn’t a standoffish type relationship. They never did bedtime or anything like that but I loved them, and was loved by them. It doesn’t have to be that super local type relationship to be v special. Just wanted to add that as there are sometimes echos that the only way to be really close is to live round the corner and do lots of babysitting and, from the point of view of the grandchild, that wasn’t the case for me. Or for my kids now come to that.

If they're only seeing grandchildren so infrequently then I would agree with some of this

Suppose it depends on the child and how hands on the grandparents are - even a park trip would be out of the question for my DCs and ILs (they wouldn't know how to handle tantrums/upset as they don't know them well enough to know what calms them etc.)

My ILs don't see my DC very often at all - when MIL last stayed she went into my DDs (2yrs) room in the morning and it really distressed her and caused a lot of upset as she doesn't really know who she is...

I'd add my grandparents were by all accounts terrible parents who my DPs would never have left in sole charge of a child.

However they managed to be absolutely excellent grandparents. My DM not having to see them much probably helped her cope with them.

Do they know you're happy for them to do it. Just reading posts on mumsnet the MIL / DIL relationship sounds like a minefield My MIL comes to stay with us a handful of times a year and loves taking them out / babysitting etc, but I make it clear there are no expectations / recriminations, that I trust her with them unsupervised and when she's here, she can take them out whenever she wants, but if she's too tired / doesn't want to look after them she doesn't have to ( they are still young, and exhausting). From how she was at the start vs now, I think some of that has had to build her confidence as she was nervous of overstepping at first and causing offence.

Hello, I can see where you are coming from, and reading between the lines you are a bit disappointed.

My parents haven’t passed away but due to my moms declining health my dad is full-time carer for her and they live 2 to 3 hours away. So they can’t give us the support we wish, or come on holiday with us.

In my head, the in-laws would be much more involved as they are young and active, have enough money and live two hours away. However, they only see my child 2 to 3 times a year. We went away with them like you are- they were happy to join in, but in my head, I’d imagined they’d want to take him out for a couple of mornings and perhaps give us a rest, but it was clear they didn’t want to do that.

So perhaps lower your expectations.

I agree I hoped my child would have a better bond with my husband‘s parents, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. Perhaps manage your expectations now.

If they only see them 3 times a year, you can’t expect them to know the children, their preferences, and their routines well enough to be as hands on as it seem you want them to be. Four months is a long time in a child’s life, there’s a possibility they’ll barely remember these new visitors let alone be happy for them to put them to bed or take them out.

This. My DP see DC maybe 4-5 times a year and don't have a great relationship with them tbh. PIL who see them more often are a bit better but certainly don't do much childcare or do anything to follow DC's interests. It's a shame really, they could have certainly made more effort to connect, but you can't force people to behave in a certain way.

Nope.

Have you done much ‘it takes a village’ for any relatives such as nieces, nephews, younger cousins, friends DC etc?

Maybe instead of asking on the internet, maybe you should ask the grandparents.
They may be holding back and not wanting to overstep boundaries.
Have you asked?
Could you bath the baby/take little one to bed/read a story, take for a walk to the park etc?
Asking costs nothing.

My own parents, who were in their 70’s, were so hands on it put us to shame. Building swing sets, hosting overnights, doing the school run. My mother would still carry DS18 and 6ft5 around on a purple velvet cushion but for osteoporosis and being 89. She is DS’s most favourite person and he treats her like she’s made of gossamer.

MIL, same age, couldn’t do the physical stuff but was ace at a cuddle and read and a banging sausage sandwich.

Conclusion: it’s not what you do but how much effort you give.

Parenting as normal here.

DS sees his grandparents (on my side) only a few times a year and they’re hands on in that they’ll play, read to him, take him out to the park, etc.

My mum will often tell me to go back to bed in the mornings when we stay over and she’ll sort him out with breakfast which is lovely, or she’ll send DH and I to the pub in the afternoon! DS adores his grandma despite the distance. Bedtime is on me/DH but the grandparents are always demanded in by DS for a cuddle.

I wouldn't expect to get them up or put them to bed. But I would expect them to spend time during the day. Reading a bedtime story would be nice and if they were already awake then maybe look after the kids (depends on age). But I wouldn't expect them to wake up because of the kids.

I think it depends on the grandparents and their inclination tbh. My parents want to see gc and buy presents but not have to take on any additional responsibility for them. My in laws can't do enough for my child and his great grandparents are the same although obviously they are less able due to age which they actually forget at times. I think it's really down to them the type of grandparent they want to be. And that can be hard to watch when you have an idea of what you want your child to have.
I agree with pp who said that they aren't around enough to be your proper village though.

People will say on here have no expectations but my mum was babysat by her grandparents, me by mine and my mum and Dad had my children overnight to allow me to go a night out or when I was ill. I fully expect and want to do the same for my children, but we are a very close family and support each other which I’m so grateful for

I disagree. I only see my grandmonsters 2-3 times a year, in their home, where we have our own bedroom. Up until 3 years ago, I saw them daily, when they were younger, I had them in my home by 6 am , fed breakfast, got them to school and picked them up after school and had them for an hour or two to allow our daughter and son in law to work the long hours that they did back then. Now, they are teens. I fly to Canada 2-3 times a year for two weeks (I actually fly on Saturday) I make smores bars, taught my granddaughter to make sushi, have lunch on the table for my daughters lunch break as she comes home for her hour as she works a two min drive away, I have dinner most nights ready, and the kiddos LOVE it because I cook what they like, things their parents never make. I send my daughter and her husband on a hotel night when I am there everytime, and the kids and i stay up late, eating snacks, and watching shit movies. It is something I enjoy and so do they. But we have the type of relationship that I can just be mum and potter around and clean and cook. I would never go in my daughters bedroom, or any of her drawers that have anything like bills or mail in. I know my boundries and my daughter called me today on her lunch break and asked me to make lasagna for dinner on my arrival night and what did I need for her to have in to do it LOL. I facetime my grands at least 3x per week, and they call me if they are having a problem that they don't want to discuss with mum and dad (anything safeguarding I would tell in a heartbeat)