To be weirded out by my future SIL?

[WatermelonSponge]

Hey everyone, name change as my other info put together with this would be quite outing.
So,
I’m going to give as much information as possible so apologies as this is a long one.

I’m a little bit concerned about my future SILs obsession with my fiancé (for ease I’ll just call him DH).
My DH is the eldest sibling and SIL the youngest, they didn’t have the most loving parents growing up and my DH had a lot placed on him as the oldest and was often beaten/belted/punished in place of his younger siblings, which he took without protest to protect them. His mother ended up leaving his dad and moving in with another unsavoury man and essentially emptied the whole house and left the kids behind. It had a huge emotional toll on all of the children.

My DH being the eldest remembers it very clearly being around 12/13 at the time, his brother was maybe 8 and his sister around 4.
DH is a really wonderful man, but the abuse and abandonment took its toll and he had a very wild time between his teenage years and mid-20s, drinking, taking drugs and getting into trouble with the police.
Despite this he always looked out for his younger siblings and was there for them, albeit not very sober or in a position to do much for them.

He moved out, or more like was kicked out, somewhere around age 16 and lived with friends and their families, passing girlfriends and on campus when he went into HE, so managed to find somewhere to lay his head but it was turbulent and he’s not really had a true home since before his mum left. In the same vein he’s lived with his siblings since around this age either and during this time contact was sparodic but he always tried his best to be there. His sister became pregnant as a teen and her dad kicked her out, DH lived very far away but stayed in touch via text but didn’t meet his niece until she was around 3/4.

After a big blow out with his dad in his mid-20s which led to a short arrest/stay in a county jail he decided he couldn’t continue like he was and instead completely became a bit of a recluse. His dad and him ‘made up’ and he moved in with him and they just co-existed with DH being an emotional punching bag.

Anyway, that’s just a bit of background.

Fast-forward a few years and he and I met in a supermarket whilst I was on holiday in his country, we hit it off right away and he asked for my number. We went on a date whilst I was there but I was going back home shortly after we met but honestly we both knew it was special so we agreed to keep in touch.
We were LD for a year or two and between us we decided him moving here would be the better option. His sister had come to visit him and his dad for the first time in a few years with her youngest child so he thought it was a good idea to tell the family our plans. Well, he told his dad and he was all for it and said it’d be good for him, but when he told his siblings his sister was NOT happy in the slightest.
She left the room and starting drinking then contacted me and advised me this was a terrible idea, he wasn’t over an ex gf, he would ruin my life as he was bad news, he wouldn’t ever love me right and I deserved better etc etc whilst crying in the car. She told me they were all taking bets on how long it’d take him to mess up his ‘new life’ and she bet within the first 24hrs of landing here.

I was a bit bewildered, I’d never spoken to her before this as she lived with their mum about 6 hours away from him with her children, and apart from her texting every now and again or visiting their dads house he didn’t have much contact with her anymore. He said the limited contact was as she liked to dredge up the past whenever they got together and she would just try to rehash all the pain of the past which he remembers much more vividly. He also mentioned that she just liked to talk about herself and her trauma for days and days and stop him sleeping so she can ‘trauma dump’.

I explained to DH what had happened and it turned into a big argument between them with her calling me all sorts of names and him ignoring her for the rest of her visit. He apologised and told me if I had any reservations then he understood, but he loved me and we could extend the time frame if I needed longer to decide. I reminded him I too had a very dysfunctional family so I understood difficult dynamics and we should go ahead as we’d planned.

4 months later he came to the U.K as a test stay to see if he’d be able to settle here, everything went really well and he loved being here with me and we decided to make the move more official.
In his 6 months here he had fallen out with his father who he realised was still very abusive, but needed to return to his home country to apply for a spousal visa and didn’t have a place to stay, so he asked his mum and sister if they would put him up whilst he applied.
They were happy to have him and said yes, so he went back and with the expedition we had his acceptance answer within a week which was brilliant and we felt so lucky.
He FaceTimed me to give me the good news and we started saying how excited we were when his sister started throwing a wobbly in the background complaining how I was stealing her big brother and I was taking time away from her at that moment and she needed this time with him alone.

I brushed it off and explained I’d talk to him when he went to bed and he said he loved me and he couldn’t wait to be home - that further set her off and she said that he WAS home. I gave him a funny look which he shared and repeated what he said and hung up.
He called me later that night and his sister was there, despite earlier I was very nice and tried to ask her lots of questions about her and ‘bond’ with her which she took to, but whenever he and I would talk about life here she would get upset and try and drape herself on him and talk about how much she loves and misses him and doesn’t want him to leave. That she is his keeper and he’s always going to be her favourite person, even above her children, and whilst he was visibly uncomfortable he just put up with it. I smiled, though weirded out a smidge, and said it was lovely they were close and I wish I’d had that sort of relationship with my family.
She then spent until 5am in his bedroom before he asked her to leave so he could sleep as he was confirming his flight back the next morning for 2 days time so he could be back for Christmas with me. Cue more dramatics and a full-on breakdown (despite her knowing this was always the plan regardless of Visa application status as a visa isn’t needed to simply visit from his country to the UK) and she went outside to smoke to ‘calm herself’. He followed her out and told me he’d call me back. That took about 4 hours.

When he called back she was passed out in his bed so he was on the couch about to sleep but wanted to talk to me first and apologise for how she acted. He explained that he didn’t know what her issue was, but that he’d told her off and he’d be home soon so this would be less of an issue. I said it was ok and I loved him and he needed to sleep.
After that every time he was on his phone updating me or simply wanting to talk she would show her distaste and come up with something he needed to do right there and then, even his mum seemed a little embarrassed. When he got past airport security I selfishly did a sigh of relief that dealing with that was finally over, I was apparently wrong.

Over the next two years she would switch between sweetness and light with us to out and out spiteful. Going between calling up DH and refusing to talk if I was around which lead to him hanging up which then had her sending me a bizarre barrage of text messages on every platform I had telling me I had stolen her best friend/favourite person/the best man she knows, to then changing her tune and trying to flatter me and say how much I’ve changed him for the better and how grateful she was that we found one another?!

In the end I told DH I needed to block her for my sanity as she was being truly bonkers, he agreed it was for the best and when she brought it up at the next phone call she went ballistic when he confirmed why. He then told her he didn’t want to deal with her behaviour and he wouldn’t be talking to her again until she got some help, he blocked her and we got on with life.

We got engaged and then I fell pregnant quickly, we were over the moon! He was so excited to be a dad that he told his family right away and unblocked his sister to share the good news too despite my reservations.

She texted and congratulated us and told us she was going to renew her passport and visit for when the baby arrived. I was nice and said that’d be lovely and we’d let her know when the time was right, DH said she could but maybe in time not right away as we’d be finding our feet as new parents. She looked upset but held her tongue and said that was fine.
After this I unblocked her too hoping that the good news would bring us closer and things could be calmer. Instead it became all about how much she’d missed her brother and how brilliant he was and how lucky I am to have a man like him and when she was here all the things she wanted to do with him like go out drinking and find herself a British man so she could stay forever.
I agreed he was wonderful but he would have a newborn so I doubted going out getting hammered was going to happen and that he had changed a lot since they were younger and her tales of him weren’t quite who he was now, she took offence to this and told me to her he would always be hers first and her best friend. I just ignored her message and changed the subject.

DH has been busy at work the last few months and we’ve been saving harder for or baby’s arrival so he’s not really spoken to anybody back home, and a few days ago I woke up to about 8 very long, very angry messages from his sister.
I didn’t even read them, I just passed the phone to DH who then rolled his eyes and told me to ignore them.
When she saw I’d read them and not replied she became angry and carried on sending them, to the point I had to respond as she was spiralling, talking about going and sleeping in his bed in his old bedroom and crying whilst typing her messages. I ansked her to take it up with her brother not me and she again asked why he wouldn’t talk to her and insinuated that I was stopping him or that he was dead and I was hiding his death from her and others.
I was absolutely outraged, I told DH what she’d said and he texted her too annoyed to speak nicely and asked her to stop and he’d call in a few days time, but she just went on and on and then sent him some very long very weirdly OTT message about how she was a mini version of him and she was proud to be and it was her and him forever.
She then said she needed to cut him out of her life and told him not to call her, he just sent a simple ok and left it at that. I’ve now re-blocked her on all platforms as I really don’t need this stress with me being due to give birth in a few month, but I don’t even know what to think of all of this.

As a child from an abusive household I can absolutely appreciate that their childhood had a very profound impact on their lives, especially hers being to young and the only girl who was then thrown out as a teenager. However her behaviour is totally out there and I don’t understand it at all.

DH pulls her up on the truly awful stuff but brushes over the more mid-level aggression she likes to dish out to people around her as he knows she had it rough, I guess it’s him protecting her as he’s always done, but honestly I’m a little creeped out by her behaviour. I’m not sure what her obsession is with him, I guess he is probably the only positive male presence she’s had in her life? Still though, it all seems very OTT when she’s saying it’s crushing her to have him not talk to her all the time and be so far away when they really didn’t speak much or ever see each other when they lived in the same country but now he’s doing well in life and is happy she’s gone a bit mad.

I guess my AIBU is should I be this weirded out by her behaviour and what the actual F should I/we do about it?! It’s gotten to the point I would really rather her not be in our life at all, but I’d never ask that of DH. He’s said he doesn’t want to talk to her as she’s lost the plot, but I find myself defending her and trying to act as if she isn’t batshit crazy because if she ever becomes more stable then to her I’ll always be the one who stopped them talking despite it being of his own free will.

Again, apologies for the long first post, I’m just lay here with pregnancy insomnia with a lot on my mind and wondering if I’m over or under reacting.

Same here. Couldn't make it through to the end.

Now I think of it I wonder if the original post was written by the SIL?

I've had a similar experience (probably worse, actually). You're welcome to pm me to discuss, but I don't want to put it into the public domain. Good luck

For those clamouring for a TLDR version, see below. @WatermelonSponge , would you say this is a fair summing up?

DH is the eldest sibling; SIL is the youngest. Their childhood was abusive: DH often took punishments to shield his siblings, their mother abandoned them, and DH was left without a stable home. In his teens and early 20s he drank, used drugs, and got into trouble, but he always looked out for his siblings. As adults, contact was sporadic. SIL had a teen pregnancy, and DH supported her as best he could from afar.
When DH and I met and decided he’d move to the UK, SIL reacted badly. She told me he was “bad news,” that I deserved better, and bet he would ruin things within 24 hours of arrival. DH and I argued about it, but he reassured me, and we continued.
Later, when he stayed briefly with SIL before moving, she became jealous whenever he spoke to me, clung to him, and said he was her “favourite person, even above her children.” She had dramatic breakdowns when he planned to leave. DH found it uncomfortable but tolerated it.
Over time, SIL alternated between sweetness and hostility. She sent me messages accusing me of “stealing” him, then praising me for improving his life. Eventually I blocked her, with DH’s support. He told her he wouldn’t speak to her until she sought help.
When we got engaged and I became pregnant, DH unblocked her to share the news. At first she was polite, but quickly shifted back to possessiveness: saying she missed him, that I was “lucky” to have him, that she wanted to drink and party with him, and that to her he would “always be hers first.”
Recently, after little contact, she sent us a barrage of angry, dramatic messages, some accusing me of hiding his death, others declaring herself a “mini version” of him and that it would be “them forever.” She then cut him off herself. DH calmly accepted this, but I’ve re-blocked her for my sanity, as I’m due soon.
I recognise their traumatic childhood has shaped her, and DH has always tried to protect her. But her behaviour feels obsessive and inappropriate, especially since she wasn’t close to him in adulthood until he became settled and happy. DH says he doesn’t want contact because she’s “lost the plot.”
My dilemma: I feel creeped out by her behaviour and worry about the impact on us and our baby. Part of me thinks we’d be better off without her in our lives, but I don’t want to push DH. Still, I don’t understand her obsession and don’t know how to handle it. AIBU to be this unsettled, and what should we do?

but also the possibility of any sexual / abusive relationship between them given their incredibly chaotic upbringing and the current dynamics which seem more like an upset / traumatised ex

This is the first thing I thought of. And it’s something that I think you need to consider more seriously.

OP, here is the red flag from your post:
''because if she ever becomes more stable then to her I’ll always be the one who stopped them talking despite it being of his own free will.''

When you find yourself acting to your own detriment in case it makes you look bad, you are walking on eggshells.
This whole scene is a lot of drama. Stop trying to work it all out and see a therapist asap. You're about to bring a child into this situation and their needs must come first.

Some points (not the really important ones, like we’ve never argued over her behaviour) are a little off but yes it embodies the main points, thanks for that! :)

Thanks for the reply.

I’ve been to therapy in the past, actually it’s the therapist who DH is seeing currently (though I don’t know if he’s mentioned who I am to her and even if he did I don’t think she can discuss me on a more known level), and I’ve put this sort of thing into action with my own family but yes I think I need to be more assertive in this instance to for both mine and my child’s benefit.

TL:DR, anyone?

YABU just off the length of the post.

Anyway, it’s been really lovely having some truly helpful and well-meaning replies on here which have made me look at previous progress I’ve made and try to apply it to this situation too.
Its also helped me consider different possibilities regarding what is happening in her head and what we can do to safeguard our future here, I may come back later but it seems the little snipes are coming out again and I have more than enough on.

Thank you to all who wrote genuine replies and to the miserable arses who have nothing better to do than be horrible to someone obviously upset, I hope you have the day you really deserve.

Are you always so horrid?

You can edit a post without having 'subscribed' to Mumsnet - there is a time limit for editing

Honestly OP, you need to cut this woman out of your lives. I would not trust her to do something violent because she is so clearly mentally ill.

The absolute last thing I would do is facilitate her visiting.

Loads of us have had traumatic childhoods but some want to perpetuate the drama and some of us relish the calm and quiet. Relish your calm and quiet. She needs far more input than you can imagine.

I managed it, OP used punctuation and paragraphs.

Her behaviour is unpredictable and unacceptable. She is can adult who needs to take steps to deal with her childhood trauma. The fact that you and your fiancé are still in contact suggests unboundaried dysfunction all round. Go no contact and stop making excuses for her. Patience and compassion cannot fix her, stop believing it can. She needs professional help and you and your fiancé need to focus on yourselves and your baby.

He's her father figure and she's the jealous stepchild in this situation. She desperately wants him to pick her over you as all children do when their parent meets a new partner. He can't live up to her expectations as they are totally unreasonable. Her therapist is probably pushing NC as she knows that she will always be disappointed with what your partner is willing to give in their relationship. She's very damaged and seems to have made this relationship with her pseudo-father-figure, the basis of her self-worth.

I’m afraid I lost the will to live halfway through that wall of text. Far far too long. You could have fitted most of that in a single paragraph without any drip feeding needed.

Some of SIL's earlier behaviour sounds like her trying to make sense of what happened when they were children, thinking that because your H is the oldest he'll have more knowledge or a better understanding of the situation and/or be able to guide her in overcoming the trauma and moving on as he seems to have done. If they had just recently reconciled with the mother, SIL might have been afraid of being abandoned again and desperate to understand what happened to avoid a repeat. But he was a child too at the time; if he's told her what he experienced and she's still asking the same questions there's not much he can do; her mum or dad will be much better placed to help.

Her clinging and not wanting him to go abroad make sense from her perspective; she's had a lot of loss and rejection in her life - it seems that she has a relationship with her mum and dad now, but not her middle brother and if I'm understanding right she also had to give up her child she had as a teen? (Watch out for unresolved feelings around your baby if that's the case.) Anyway, she'll have placed a disproportionately large value on having her oldest brother in her life again, which makes his leaving the country, getting married, having a baby, etc. seem monumental.

She may have a personality disorder and she almost certainly has unprocessed trauma, but some of the hot-and-cold behaviour and the extreme emotions (positive and negative) and lack of inhibition could also be because of heavy drinking. Impossible (and inappropriate) to armchair-diagnose, but she may need to get sober and then get a professional diagnosis and therapy/medication if she needs it. But your husband isn't well placed to be her daily support as he's far away. It's great that she's seeing a therapist now but she has to follow through on that and do the (very difficult) work for herself, not because anyone else is pressuring her to do it.

Also, it sounds like boundaries are eroded in your husband's family; what you've written about his sister and sometimes mother always being in the background when the two of you talked while he was back waiting for his visa sounds really strange; he could have just taken his phone somewhere private to talk with you. No longer immediately relevant I know, but I just want to stress that it's completely OK for him to push back and tell SIL what behaviour is unacceptable, and to disengage when she refuses to stop - and that includes telling her she can't contact you directly and that she can't come visit if that's what you need him to do. And it's completely OK for you to tell him what you need.