To be weirded out by my future SIL?

[WatermelonSponge]

Hey everyone, name change as my other info put together with this would be quite outing.
So,
I’m going to give as much information as possible so apologies as this is a long one.

I’m a little bit concerned about my future SILs obsession with my fiancé (for ease I’ll just call him DH).
My DH is the eldest sibling and SIL the youngest, they didn’t have the most loving parents growing up and my DH had a lot placed on him as the oldest and was often beaten/belted/punished in place of his younger siblings, which he took without protest to protect them. His mother ended up leaving his dad and moving in with another unsavoury man and essentially emptied the whole house and left the kids behind. It had a huge emotional toll on all of the children.

My DH being the eldest remembers it very clearly being around 12/13 at the time, his brother was maybe 8 and his sister around 4.
DH is a really wonderful man, but the abuse and abandonment took its toll and he had a very wild time between his teenage years and mid-20s, drinking, taking drugs and getting into trouble with the police.
Despite this he always looked out for his younger siblings and was there for them, albeit not very sober or in a position to do much for them.

He moved out, or more like was kicked out, somewhere around age 16 and lived with friends and their families, passing girlfriends and on campus when he went into HE, so managed to find somewhere to lay his head but it was turbulent and he’s not really had a true home since before his mum left. In the same vein he’s lived with his siblings since around this age either and during this time contact was sparodic but he always tried his best to be there. His sister became pregnant as a teen and her dad kicked her out, DH lived very far away but stayed in touch via text but didn’t meet his niece until she was around 3/4.

After a big blow out with his dad in his mid-20s which led to a short arrest/stay in a county jail he decided he couldn’t continue like he was and instead completely became a bit of a recluse. His dad and him ‘made up’ and he moved in with him and they just co-existed with DH being an emotional punching bag.

Anyway, that’s just a bit of background.

Fast-forward a few years and he and I met in a supermarket whilst I was on holiday in his country, we hit it off right away and he asked for my number. We went on a date whilst I was there but I was going back home shortly after we met but honestly we both knew it was special so we agreed to keep in touch.
We were LD for a year or two and between us we decided him moving here would be the better option. His sister had come to visit him and his dad for the first time in a few years with her youngest child so he thought it was a good idea to tell the family our plans. Well, he told his dad and he was all for it and said it’d be good for him, but when he told his siblings his sister was NOT happy in the slightest.
She left the room and starting drinking then contacted me and advised me this was a terrible idea, he wasn’t over an ex gf, he would ruin my life as he was bad news, he wouldn’t ever love me right and I deserved better etc etc whilst crying in the car. She told me they were all taking bets on how long it’d take him to mess up his ‘new life’ and she bet within the first 24hrs of landing here.

I was a bit bewildered, I’d never spoken to her before this as she lived with their mum about 6 hours away from him with her children, and apart from her texting every now and again or visiting their dads house he didn’t have much contact with her anymore. He said the limited contact was as she liked to dredge up the past whenever they got together and she would just try to rehash all the pain of the past which he remembers much more vividly. He also mentioned that she just liked to talk about herself and her trauma for days and days and stop him sleeping so she can ‘trauma dump’.

I explained to DH what had happened and it turned into a big argument between them with her calling me all sorts of names and him ignoring her for the rest of her visit. He apologised and told me if I had any reservations then he understood, but he loved me and we could extend the time frame if I needed longer to decide. I reminded him I too had a very dysfunctional family so I understood difficult dynamics and we should go ahead as we’d planned.

4 months later he came to the U.K as a test stay to see if he’d be able to settle here, everything went really well and he loved being here with me and we decided to make the move more official.
In his 6 months here he had fallen out with his father who he realised was still very abusive, but needed to return to his home country to apply for a spousal visa and didn’t have a place to stay, so he asked his mum and sister if they would put him up whilst he applied.
They were happy to have him and said yes, so he went back and with the expedition we had his acceptance answer within a week which was brilliant and we felt so lucky.
He FaceTimed me to give me the good news and we started saying how excited we were when his sister started throwing a wobbly in the background complaining how I was stealing her big brother and I was taking time away from her at that moment and she needed this time with him alone.

I brushed it off and explained I’d talk to him when he went to bed and he said he loved me and he couldn’t wait to be home - that further set her off and she said that he WAS home. I gave him a funny look which he shared and repeated what he said and hung up.
He called me later that night and his sister was there, despite earlier I was very nice and tried to ask her lots of questions about her and ‘bond’ with her which she took to, but whenever he and I would talk about life here she would get upset and try and drape herself on him and talk about how much she loves and misses him and doesn’t want him to leave. That she is his keeper and he’s always going to be her favourite person, even above her children, and whilst he was visibly uncomfortable he just put up with it. I smiled, though weirded out a smidge, and said it was lovely they were close and I wish I’d had that sort of relationship with my family.
She then spent until 5am in his bedroom before he asked her to leave so he could sleep as he was confirming his flight back the next morning for 2 days time so he could be back for Christmas with me. Cue more dramatics and a full-on breakdown (despite her knowing this was always the plan regardless of Visa application status as a visa isn’t needed to simply visit from his country to the UK) and she went outside to smoke to ‘calm herself’. He followed her out and told me he’d call me back. That took about 4 hours.

When he called back she was passed out in his bed so he was on the couch about to sleep but wanted to talk to me first and apologise for how she acted. He explained that he didn’t know what her issue was, but that he’d told her off and he’d be home soon so this would be less of an issue. I said it was ok and I loved him and he needed to sleep.
After that every time he was on his phone updating me or simply wanting to talk she would show her distaste and come up with something he needed to do right there and then, even his mum seemed a little embarrassed. When he got past airport security I selfishly did a sigh of relief that dealing with that was finally over, I was apparently wrong.

Over the next two years she would switch between sweetness and light with us to out and out spiteful. Going between calling up DH and refusing to talk if I was around which lead to him hanging up which then had her sending me a bizarre barrage of text messages on every platform I had telling me I had stolen her best friend/favourite person/the best man she knows, to then changing her tune and trying to flatter me and say how much I’ve changed him for the better and how grateful she was that we found one another?!

In the end I told DH I needed to block her for my sanity as she was being truly bonkers, he agreed it was for the best and when she brought it up at the next phone call she went ballistic when he confirmed why. He then told her he didn’t want to deal with her behaviour and he wouldn’t be talking to her again until she got some help, he blocked her and we got on with life.

We got engaged and then I fell pregnant quickly, we were over the moon! He was so excited to be a dad that he told his family right away and unblocked his sister to share the good news too despite my reservations.

She texted and congratulated us and told us she was going to renew her passport and visit for when the baby arrived. I was nice and said that’d be lovely and we’d let her know when the time was right, DH said she could but maybe in time not right away as we’d be finding our feet as new parents. She looked upset but held her tongue and said that was fine.
After this I unblocked her too hoping that the good news would bring us closer and things could be calmer. Instead it became all about how much she’d missed her brother and how brilliant he was and how lucky I am to have a man like him and when she was here all the things she wanted to do with him like go out drinking and find herself a British man so she could stay forever.
I agreed he was wonderful but he would have a newborn so I doubted going out getting hammered was going to happen and that he had changed a lot since they were younger and her tales of him weren’t quite who he was now, she took offence to this and told me to her he would always be hers first and her best friend. I just ignored her message and changed the subject.

DH has been busy at work the last few months and we’ve been saving harder for or baby’s arrival so he’s not really spoken to anybody back home, and a few days ago I woke up to about 8 very long, very angry messages from his sister.
I didn’t even read them, I just passed the phone to DH who then rolled his eyes and told me to ignore them.
When she saw I’d read them and not replied she became angry and carried on sending them, to the point I had to respond as she was spiralling, talking about going and sleeping in his bed in his old bedroom and crying whilst typing her messages. I ansked her to take it up with her brother not me and she again asked why he wouldn’t talk to her and insinuated that I was stopping him or that he was dead and I was hiding his death from her and others.
I was absolutely outraged, I told DH what she’d said and he texted her too annoyed to speak nicely and asked her to stop and he’d call in a few days time, but she just went on and on and then sent him some very long very weirdly OTT message about how she was a mini version of him and she was proud to be and it was her and him forever.
She then said she needed to cut him out of her life and told him not to call her, he just sent a simple ok and left it at that. I’ve now re-blocked her on all platforms as I really don’t need this stress with me being due to give birth in a few month, but I don’t even know what to think of all of this.

As a child from an abusive household I can absolutely appreciate that their childhood had a very profound impact on their lives, especially hers being to young and the only girl who was then thrown out as a teenager. However her behaviour is totally out there and I don’t understand it at all.

DH pulls her up on the truly awful stuff but brushes over the more mid-level aggression she likes to dish out to people around her as he knows she had it rough, I guess it’s him protecting her as he’s always done, but honestly I’m a little creeped out by her behaviour. I’m not sure what her obsession is with him, I guess he is probably the only positive male presence she’s had in her life? Still though, it all seems very OTT when she’s saying it’s crushing her to have him not talk to her all the time and be so far away when they really didn’t speak much or ever see each other when they lived in the same country but now he’s doing well in life and is happy she’s gone a bit mad.

I guess my AIBU is should I be this weirded out by her behaviour and what the actual F should I/we do about it?! It’s gotten to the point I would really rather her not be in our life at all, but I’d never ask that of DH. He’s said he doesn’t want to talk to her as she’s lost the plot, but I find myself defending her and trying to act as if she isn’t batshit crazy because if she ever becomes more stable then to her I’ll always be the one who stopped them talking despite it being of his own free will.

Again, apologies for the long first post, I’m just lay here with pregnancy insomnia with a lot on my mind and wondering if I’m over or under reacting.

I wish mumsnet would bring back the laugh react 🤣

It sounds as if she has serious MH problems but that is not the responsibility of you or of your DH.

I don’t think your inconsistency is helping. She needs a consistent message that her behaviour is abnormal and unreasonable. Stop making excuses for her and blocking/unblocking her. If you decide to block her, leave her blocked. Your DH needs to be consistent too. Ideally, since she told him she needs to cut him out of her life he ought to stick with that.

If he weakens, has contact with her again and she then says or does things that are unacceptable, she needs to be pulled up on them every time, preferably by your DH.

It's up to your DH how much contact he wants to have with her but you don’t need to be part of it. If she comes to visit I would not ever let her stay in your home. If you have to see her just be polite but distant. You don’t want her developing a weird or obsessive relationship with your child.

Your DH and you are creating your own new family. He needs to put his energies into that. His sister is an adult and he needs to accept he is not responsible for looking after her any more. His new responsibilities, to you and his child, have precedence.

Jesus wept if this is real it’s a shit show and you guys all need some serious professional help. Before the baby arrives and is as affected as you both are.

AIBU?

met a man a few years ago abroad, he had difficult childhood. He has two younger siblings. Since he has moved to the UK his youngest sister erratically messages and is upset at him being with me. insert a couple of examples.

We are delighted to be pregnant and expecting his child.

AIBU to have concerns regarding their relationship moving forward?

OP

I don’t understand all the comments about the length of the post.

I read it all (properly and not skim reading) in about five minutes and I appreciate posts that contain all the relevant information so you don’t have lots of questions and are waiting for the OP to respond.

Lots of people don’t use the “read all” function and on so many threads you get repeated questions that have been answered or people making up scenarios when the OP has already given information that rules them out.

I have been told my posts are quite long in the past but most people said they appreciated I wasn’t drip feeding and had addressed any expected questions, it means my threads aren’t full of the same repeated questions and are easier to engage with. It also only takes me around 10 minutes to write a relatively long post but I appreciate that’s not the same for everyone.

I wonder how many people that complain about the length of posts actually read books or even magazines or newspapers? Are we becoming so addicted to social media that our attention spans are reducing and we aren’t focusing on anything longer then a few paragraphs because that’s what we have become used to now?

There was a post the other day where the OP had gone to a restaurant and her friends had walked out during the meal after the starters.
The thread ended up full and the OP posted the relevant information in multiple replies but they kept getting missed so she was asked the same questions repeatedly and people were making suggestions about what happened when she had already said that wasn’t the case.
If the OP of that post had explained a bit more information in the OP then that thread could have been over in a few pages! Also if people are using the “read all” function then it’s the equivalent of reading a long OP.

I just realised this is quite lengthy but it has only taken me a few minutes to write and no one ever has to read something that they feel is too long and wasting their time.

I find it really frustrating when people post just to comment on the length of the OP, I’m surprised they haven’t worked out it’s just giving people more to read, if they found the OP to be full of irrelevant information then why add more? Especially when multiple people post the same.

Is it just me that feels like this or does anyone else? I didn’t want to derail the thread but there had been so many comments mentioning the length of the OP we were already past that stage.
I also wanted to stick up for OP because she has spent time writing this and asking for help and just been criticised and I know how upsetting and frustrating that can be when you have an issue that matters to you.

I’m not saying that it’s always useful to write a long OP. I find some frustrating that contain unnecessary information like “it was a Tuesday and raining. I was wearing a yellow cardigan and had just come back from the post office”
It wasn’t the case in this instance and didn’t warrant the criticism.

Offer to pay for therapy for DH and/or SIL (sounds like they all need it tbh)
Block her.
Don't tell her when the baby arrives
Don't give her your address
If she does arrive, NEVER leave your child alone with her
Line up a solicitor phone number for the inevitable restraining order

Congratulations on the pregnancy OP.

SIL does not sound well, as others have said, keep her blocked.

Leave DH to deal with her, but set boundaries on what he can share about you and the baby, and any visits.

Easy for people to say don't give it headspace, but it's not so easy when you're living it and it's also affecting someone you love and live with.

Goes without saying, but don't ever leave her alone with the baby, not even when she's seemingly well.

Good luck.

I think you were utterly foolish for not running from this toxic family, and even more stupid to be running after her trying to give her chances. She is mentally unhinged and I can’t imagine why you would even entertain her being in your life, around your child? You are also making and indulging a lot of drama- what’s the need to not keep her blocked?

Tell your dh that he can do what he wants with her, but she isn’t allowed in your life. Problem solved

Why on earth would Op and her p be paying for therapy for the batshit sister even if they could afford it ??
OP needs to block her on everything and hopefully her p will do the same. He has no responsibilty to her and her kid, I feel sorry for her most of all, what a toxic mother, she's recreating a similar situation and messing her d up in the process.

Can I just say as I refreshed this whilst in my office this reply actually made me a little bit emotional (bloody hormones and lack of sleep!) so thank you for your point of view here.

I know my OP was long but after the 10th ‘DIDN'T READ, TOO LONG’ I was about to give up and call it a day as there are some that just seem like miserable PITAs (pain the the arses, for those who don’t like me shortening 🙂) who have little else to do.
This matter is having an impact on my life, I’m quite pregnant and I wanted to know if anybody had similar issues in the past. Yes some details have been changed as my family is also bonkers and I know some use MN, but I started writing at 3:30am so please excuse small things like timelines that may seem a little inconsistent. Some have had some really nice and well meaning advice and others have given me things to think about even if they’ve been blunt, which I appreciate too.

I’m big on writing, even though others may find it tedious to read, hence why I mentioned it’d be long in the first 5 lines of the post. If people don’t heed the warning when it’s a legitimately long post then I don’t know what to say.

Anyway, thank you for your POV, it did make me smile.

I did. I can skim read quickly. It’s not that difficult. Thanks for sharing where you got to in the post though.

OP, she is an absolute nightmare. She is clearly extremely damaged and needs significant long-term therapy. Ideally, you would both block her and keep het out of your lives until she’s a bit more settled.

I didn’t have time to read all that. But the reality is that this is the dysfunction you are choosing to bring into your life by marrying him. You can’t expect it to change. You either want it in your life or you don’t. I come from a dysfunctional family and I am NC with all of them. I choose not to bring that into my marriage and my family life. Your partner does choose to have this dysfunction in his life, so you get it too. You can walk away or you can accept this is your choice. You can’t complain about it or expect it all to change.

That said, I also had a LDR before getting married (I was the one who moved to the Uk). I cannot stress enough how important it is to live together before you get married. Dh and I spent nearly 3 years living in different countries before we got married, but we spent huge chunks of that time together. 2-3 months at a time and we were together in the same country for the first nearly year of our relationship. Do NOT jump into a marriage or children without living together. If he cannot come here without a spousal visa, you find a way to go there for a year.

Try it out first. See what the relationship is like when you are dealing with household finances and taking the bins out and cleaning up each other’s mess. Frankly, I wouldn’t be jumping into anything with a man who had no place to live and presumably no job (and no ability to legally work in the UK). When I came on my spousal visa, I wasn’t allowed to get a drivers license or work and I made Dh ineligible for any benefits. I worked remotely for my employer in my previous country and was paid there. Make sure he is similarly financially secure with work and savings if you’re going to do this. You and he will not get any benefits, so make sure the numbers work before you jump in.

Hi thanks for replying!
Yes it’s really his sister, I’ve spoken to both his mum and dad in the past, and his younger brother, and whilst I don’t really like them based on what they’ve put DH through I try to be neutral.

DH is from the USA (west coast) so no real need to come over here for a passport, he had more than enough money from his reclusive years that he didn’t need to be here and we did toss about the idea of me moving there, but I have nieces and nephews which I see regularly and we ultimately decided he would move here as he had little there for him.

I’d never even thought people may come up with that link though, but yes she does sometimes act like a jilted lover which DH winces at when I’ve said it’s a bit strange. Like me he just thinks he’s been the only purely positive male in her life who didn’t want anything from her but to be safe from harm, she’s been in and out of bad relationships too and has two children which her mum mostly raises now, it’s a very difficult dynamic but her children seem happy from what I’ve seen.

I think you need to go NC with his sister for your own sanity and to protect your child, so they're not being exposed to this toxic behaviour. Whatever childhood trauma she has is going to take years of therapy to unpack if she ever will. If having her own children and not wanting to fuck them up, hasn't prompted her to progress (therapist has advised her to go NC with your DP, yet she's still bombarding you with abusive messages years down the road), then I'm not sure she's ready to properly engage with therapy.

You've already tried to set sensible boundaries with her and she's broken them each time. I'd be having a serious discussion with your DP before the baby is born, as to what contact he is planning on having with his sister going forward and whether he is expecting the baby to meet her. I would say no to her coming over to visit, especially if she's planning on staying with you!

You need to safeguard your baby. You therefore cannot allow her to visit your house.
She is incapable of not causing drama, arguments, and upset.This won't change.
She won't moderate her behaviour just because a child is in the home.
You cannot allow this in your childs home. You must prioritise your child's physical and emotional wellbeing.
You can't dictate what contact DH has with her, but I strongly advise that you have none - block, and never unblock.

Don’t bother responding to any more people saying how long your post is. It’s getting boring now. Literacy in this country is not great which I think explains all the comments.

Honestly @WatermelonSponge I’d block her again and leave it at that. You’re just enabling her to carry on - and so is your DH. But only he can decide that he also should block her, which maybe he will conclude as his therapy continues.

All these stress hormones are not good for you, especially while pregnant so please look after yourself and put her out of your mind (I know that’s hard but try not to feel guilty about doing so).

Set your own strong boundaries. Also, sorry to mention this (it is clear you have both had tough lived and have done a lot of work to unpack) but if your DH shows any sign of becoming violent or abusive himself you must address it right away (I’m hoping you both get through this as it sounds like you have every chance and have a good relationship where you can talk openly)

Thank you so much for your well meaning advice, I appreciate it.

In regards to any abuse between them it’s never something I’ve thought of but I very much doubt, I think it’s simply as PPs have said and he’s her only past sense of stability and now he’s been ‘taken away’ though I’ve never tried to do so she’s angry. It’s been similar with previous gf’s when they’ve taken up time that she wanted from him - but she was lovely to them when things were going well for her (work, relationships, new baby etc).

DH and I have spoken this morning and I’ve explained my concerns in a more well put together way and he admitted he’s had concerns about her behaviour for some time and it was his mistake letting her back into our lives (along with his parents) and he will talk to her and explain she cannot act like this and be part of our lives so for now we will have to cut contact. He’s actually very level headed about it and knows that his future is here with me and the baby and to truly heal from his own past he can’t carry her trauma with him too. I think his therapy is helping him a lot more than we realised.

Again, thank you.

I think a lot of people just read short Twitter posts and use TikTok a lot. So they can’t concentrate or focus on large bits of prose any more. That combined with poor literacy and a tendency to berate the OP, explains the reactions here. It’s a sign of the times.

Obviously BLOCK and keep blocked for good but what is VERY CONCERNING she has children?!
I think your DH should try to get them help via social services or similar, can you imagine the emotional abuse and frankly trauma they are subjected to from being around her... Please try to help them.

This. I’d like to comment as i
met my husband in a similar way and he also had an emotionally abusive childhood. But this is far too long and rambling. Sorry, I can’t comment as I am not really sure I understand all of this.

I thought the same. Lots of things don’t add up.

Thanks for the reply, we’ve had a discussion this morning and he’s going to have a firm discussion with her and set some concrete boundaries regarding any future contact. I have faith he can and will do this as he doesn’t want what has happened to them all spilling onto our lives here or affecting the baby.

We’ve decided when the baby comes we’ll likely visit where he’s from after a few months and we can always meet up for a few days out (where she and their mum live) and if not we can still have a nice holiday and show baby where their dad is from - even if they won’t understand or remember it!

I asked ChatGPT to summarise. It still isn't short:

OP’s fiancé (DH) had an abusive childhood and often protected his younger siblings, including his sister (future SIL). He later lived a turbulent life before turning things around, meeting OP, and moving to the UK.

SIL has shown increasingly bizarre, obsessive behaviour toward DH:

-Initially told OP he was “bad news” and would ruin her life.

-Becomes hostile whenever DH focuses on OP, saying OP has “stolen” him.

-Swings between praising OP and sending her abusive messages.

-Clings to DH emotionally, drapes herself on him, declares he’s her “favourite person,” sometimes above her own kids.

-Sends dramatic texts about crying in his bed, calling herself his “mini version,” and accusing OP of hiding his death when he doesn’t respond.

-Has meltdowns whenever DH prioritises OP, the baby, or life in the UK.

DH has repeatedly blocked her but sometimes unblocks to share big news (engagement, pregnancy). SIL quickly reverts to intrusive, possessive behaviour. OP finds this creepy and stressful, especially while pregnant, and has blocked SIL again.

AIBU? OP wonders if she’s right to be so unsettled, what they should do, and whether it’s unreasonable to want SIL out of their lives given her obsessive fixation on DH.