To be weirded out by my future SIL?

[WatermelonSponge]

Hey everyone, name change as my other info put together with this would be quite outing.
So,
I’m going to give as much information as possible so apologies as this is a long one.

I’m a little bit concerned about my future SILs obsession with my fiancé (for ease I’ll just call him DH).
My DH is the eldest sibling and SIL the youngest, they didn’t have the most loving parents growing up and my DH had a lot placed on him as the oldest and was often beaten/belted/punished in place of his younger siblings, which he took without protest to protect them. His mother ended up leaving his dad and moving in with another unsavoury man and essentially emptied the whole house and left the kids behind. It had a huge emotional toll on all of the children.

My DH being the eldest remembers it very clearly being around 12/13 at the time, his brother was maybe 8 and his sister around 4.
DH is a really wonderful man, but the abuse and abandonment took its toll and he had a very wild time between his teenage years and mid-20s, drinking, taking drugs and getting into trouble with the police.
Despite this he always looked out for his younger siblings and was there for them, albeit not very sober or in a position to do much for them.

He moved out, or more like was kicked out, somewhere around age 16 and lived with friends and their families, passing girlfriends and on campus when he went into HE, so managed to find somewhere to lay his head but it was turbulent and he’s not really had a true home since before his mum left. In the same vein he’s lived with his siblings since around this age either and during this time contact was sparodic but he always tried his best to be there. His sister became pregnant as a teen and her dad kicked her out, DH lived very far away but stayed in touch via text but didn’t meet his niece until she was around 3/4.

After a big blow out with his dad in his mid-20s which led to a short arrest/stay in a county jail he decided he couldn’t continue like he was and instead completely became a bit of a recluse. His dad and him ‘made up’ and he moved in with him and they just co-existed with DH being an emotional punching bag.

Anyway, that’s just a bit of background.

Fast-forward a few years and he and I met in a supermarket whilst I was on holiday in his country, we hit it off right away and he asked for my number. We went on a date whilst I was there but I was going back home shortly after we met but honestly we both knew it was special so we agreed to keep in touch.
We were LD for a year or two and between us we decided him moving here would be the better option. His sister had come to visit him and his dad for the first time in a few years with her youngest child so he thought it was a good idea to tell the family our plans. Well, he told his dad and he was all for it and said it’d be good for him, but when he told his siblings his sister was NOT happy in the slightest.
She left the room and starting drinking then contacted me and advised me this was a terrible idea, he wasn’t over an ex gf, he would ruin my life as he was bad news, he wouldn’t ever love me right and I deserved better etc etc whilst crying in the car. She told me they were all taking bets on how long it’d take him to mess up his ‘new life’ and she bet within the first 24hrs of landing here.

I was a bit bewildered, I’d never spoken to her before this as she lived with their mum about 6 hours away from him with her children, and apart from her texting every now and again or visiting their dads house he didn’t have much contact with her anymore. He said the limited contact was as she liked to dredge up the past whenever they got together and she would just try to rehash all the pain of the past which he remembers much more vividly. He also mentioned that she just liked to talk about herself and her trauma for days and days and stop him sleeping so she can ‘trauma dump’.

I explained to DH what had happened and it turned into a big argument between them with her calling me all sorts of names and him ignoring her for the rest of her visit. He apologised and told me if I had any reservations then he understood, but he loved me and we could extend the time frame if I needed longer to decide. I reminded him I too had a very dysfunctional family so I understood difficult dynamics and we should go ahead as we’d planned.

4 months later he came to the U.K as a test stay to see if he’d be able to settle here, everything went really well and he loved being here with me and we decided to make the move more official.
In his 6 months here he had fallen out with his father who he realised was still very abusive, but needed to return to his home country to apply for a spousal visa and didn’t have a place to stay, so he asked his mum and sister if they would put him up whilst he applied.
They were happy to have him and said yes, so he went back and with the expedition we had his acceptance answer within a week which was brilliant and we felt so lucky.
He FaceTimed me to give me the good news and we started saying how excited we were when his sister started throwing a wobbly in the background complaining how I was stealing her big brother and I was taking time away from her at that moment and she needed this time with him alone.

I brushed it off and explained I’d talk to him when he went to bed and he said he loved me and he couldn’t wait to be home - that further set her off and she said that he WAS home. I gave him a funny look which he shared and repeated what he said and hung up.
He called me later that night and his sister was there, despite earlier I was very nice and tried to ask her lots of questions about her and ‘bond’ with her which she took to, but whenever he and I would talk about life here she would get upset and try and drape herself on him and talk about how much she loves and misses him and doesn’t want him to leave. That she is his keeper and he’s always going to be her favourite person, even above her children, and whilst he was visibly uncomfortable he just put up with it. I smiled, though weirded out a smidge, and said it was lovely they were close and I wish I’d had that sort of relationship with my family.
She then spent until 5am in his bedroom before he asked her to leave so he could sleep as he was confirming his flight back the next morning for 2 days time so he could be back for Christmas with me. Cue more dramatics and a full-on breakdown (despite her knowing this was always the plan regardless of Visa application status as a visa isn’t needed to simply visit from his country to the UK) and she went outside to smoke to ‘calm herself’. He followed her out and told me he’d call me back. That took about 4 hours.

When he called back she was passed out in his bed so he was on the couch about to sleep but wanted to talk to me first and apologise for how she acted. He explained that he didn’t know what her issue was, but that he’d told her off and he’d be home soon so this would be less of an issue. I said it was ok and I loved him and he needed to sleep.
After that every time he was on his phone updating me or simply wanting to talk she would show her distaste and come up with something he needed to do right there and then, even his mum seemed a little embarrassed. When he got past airport security I selfishly did a sigh of relief that dealing with that was finally over, I was apparently wrong.

Over the next two years she would switch between sweetness and light with us to out and out spiteful. Going between calling up DH and refusing to talk if I was around which lead to him hanging up which then had her sending me a bizarre barrage of text messages on every platform I had telling me I had stolen her best friend/favourite person/the best man she knows, to then changing her tune and trying to flatter me and say how much I’ve changed him for the better and how grateful she was that we found one another?!

In the end I told DH I needed to block her for my sanity as she was being truly bonkers, he agreed it was for the best and when she brought it up at the next phone call she went ballistic when he confirmed why. He then told her he didn’t want to deal with her behaviour and he wouldn’t be talking to her again until she got some help, he blocked her and we got on with life.

We got engaged and then I fell pregnant quickly, we were over the moon! He was so excited to be a dad that he told his family right away and unblocked his sister to share the good news too despite my reservations.

She texted and congratulated us and told us she was going to renew her passport and visit for when the baby arrived. I was nice and said that’d be lovely and we’d let her know when the time was right, DH said she could but maybe in time not right away as we’d be finding our feet as new parents. She looked upset but held her tongue and said that was fine.
After this I unblocked her too hoping that the good news would bring us closer and things could be calmer. Instead it became all about how much she’d missed her brother and how brilliant he was and how lucky I am to have a man like him and when she was here all the things she wanted to do with him like go out drinking and find herself a British man so she could stay forever.
I agreed he was wonderful but he would have a newborn so I doubted going out getting hammered was going to happen and that he had changed a lot since they were younger and her tales of him weren’t quite who he was now, she took offence to this and told me to her he would always be hers first and her best friend. I just ignored her message and changed the subject.

DH has been busy at work the last few months and we’ve been saving harder for or baby’s arrival so he’s not really spoken to anybody back home, and a few days ago I woke up to about 8 very long, very angry messages from his sister.
I didn’t even read them, I just passed the phone to DH who then rolled his eyes and told me to ignore them.
When she saw I’d read them and not replied she became angry and carried on sending them, to the point I had to respond as she was spiralling, talking about going and sleeping in his bed in his old bedroom and crying whilst typing her messages. I ansked her to take it up with her brother not me and she again asked why he wouldn’t talk to her and insinuated that I was stopping him or that he was dead and I was hiding his death from her and others.
I was absolutely outraged, I told DH what she’d said and he texted her too annoyed to speak nicely and asked her to stop and he’d call in a few days time, but she just went on and on and then sent him some very long very weirdly OTT message about how she was a mini version of him and she was proud to be and it was her and him forever.
She then said she needed to cut him out of her life and told him not to call her, he just sent a simple ok and left it at that. I’ve now re-blocked her on all platforms as I really don’t need this stress with me being due to give birth in a few month, but I don’t even know what to think of all of this.

As a child from an abusive household I can absolutely appreciate that their childhood had a very profound impact on their lives, especially hers being to young and the only girl who was then thrown out as a teenager. However her behaviour is totally out there and I don’t understand it at all.

DH pulls her up on the truly awful stuff but brushes over the more mid-level aggression she likes to dish out to people around her as he knows she had it rough, I guess it’s him protecting her as he’s always done, but honestly I’m a little creeped out by her behaviour. I’m not sure what her obsession is with him, I guess he is probably the only positive male presence she’s had in her life? Still though, it all seems very OTT when she’s saying it’s crushing her to have him not talk to her all the time and be so far away when they really didn’t speak much or ever see each other when they lived in the same country but now he’s doing well in life and is happy she’s gone a bit mad.

I guess my AIBU is should I be this weirded out by her behaviour and what the actual F should I/we do about it?! It’s gotten to the point I would really rather her not be in our life at all, but I’d never ask that of DH. He’s said he doesn’t want to talk to her as she’s lost the plot, but I find myself defending her and trying to act as if she isn’t batshit crazy because if she ever becomes more stable then to her I’ll always be the one who stopped them talking despite it being of his own free will.

Again, apologies for the long first post, I’m just lay here with pregnancy insomnia with a lot on my mind and wondering if I’m over or under reacting.

It's difficult because this isn't happening in the UK, so obviously she needs to cut contact from her parents and have intense therapy. That isn't your concern. She's very damaged and like their Mum, she sees your DP as abandoning her and you being the reason. You're not going to want to hear this but he's still over emeshed and very damaged himself. I'm not saying that it isn't going to work out, but it's really early days and it's going to be you who has to protect your child from being the next in line for generational trauma. Keep her blocked and don't compromise at all, you aren't going to fix this. Like his sister, he shouldn't be in contact with his parents. You only do that if there's apologies and acknowledgement of the hurt they've caused and how they've let them down. You can't run away from his history and I'd be wary of that's what he's tried to do and it's very convenient for his Dad. The focus should be on building a life here and your baby. I'll be honest this doesn't bode well.

Well because I love my fiancé despite his dysfunctional family, mine is bonkers too, do I deserve to be alone despite being well adjusted and genuinely a decent person?

I don’t have much involvement with his family and step back but I like to give people more chances than they deserve I suppose.

There are likely cultural issues at play - 4000 miles sounds like Egypt / Israel.

There is a lot of trauma in the family and going NC isn’t likely to solve both of your situations.

The horse has bolted - but you’re expecting a child and they will be raised by parents such unresolved and traumatic pasts.

Something about his role in his family dynamic and how he presents is a re-creation of something in your family dynamic. The sister is just one part of that. It isn’t a surprise you come from trauma and chose someone who also came from trauma.

Regardless of how his sister behaves you need help to identify your position, your part in the dynamic and how you can parent well. The sister is a side show.

@WatermelonSponge I really hope she is getting help, if not for her for her kids. My mum had depression and possibly a PD all her adult life, compared to your partner's situation our lives were stable, and as you say it's draining to day the least.
I hope things improve for you all 🤞🏼 It sounds as though your partner has tried to do his best for his siblings.

How did your partner get a spousal visa for the UK years before you were even engaged? You need to be married for one of those.

Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it. DH has been in therapy himself over the last year or so (the one I saw myself actually as she was great!) and has been dealing with a lot of his trauma which is why I know as much as I do as he’s unpacked a lot, but yes he’s not dealt with his family well in that time.
We’ve been together for about 4.5 years now give or take and for someone who has been through what he has he’s done brilliantly and I’m very proud of him though he has a ways to go.

Hey there, I read it all. Sometimes it’s helpful to vent and get it all out - hopefully it’s been cathartic. Sounds like a very difficult situation with DPs sister.
Firstly - congratulations on your pregnancy! DH sounds lovely and devoted to you, wishing you and your little family every happiness.
As pps have said, sounds like your DP is her attachment figure, the person who has been there and made her feel safe. After that childhood, it would be hard for her to see him go and she’s fighting tooth and nail to keep him.
Your DP cannot fix her, neither can you, hopefully she can get therapy that will help her to work her way through her nightmare childhood.
I would focus on your little family and keep her as far as possible until (if ever) she resolves her issues.
Let your DP make his own decisions, support him in what he wants to do. Don’t encourage him to see her through misplaced guilt. Let him know you’re there to support him. He sounds like he’s centring you and your baby - as he should, but some might have been more conflicted about his family and it’s good that he doesn’t try to pander to his sister, which might make you feel confused and resentful.
Personally if she ever comes over, I would meet them at a holiday venue if at all possible because I personally wouldn’t want her to know where I live or to have to work against feeling guilty about the jealousy my home might inspire in her.
Not your circus, not your monkeys, as I’ve heard people say here. Don’t let her issues affect your lovely new family x

I would tread carefully on howuch energy you are investing into this relationship, because getting a spousal visa is difficult especially with a criminal record.

Not true, you can get a visa if you are both single, have been in a relationship for 2 years, intend and are free to marry and meet the threshold which we do.
They do it on a case by case basis and understood why we were long distance, some of the dates are a little skewed on here in case it’s picked up by my family but yes he’s here legally.

Some people who’ve been through trauma can’t settle into calm ‘normal’ lives sadly.

Your DH needs to focus on his new family and give her a lot of space until she’s doing better unfortunately

No Op, you don’t

Do not let this woman anywhere near your baby

I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this before and I know it sounds really outlandish, but are we sure she’s his sister and not some wife/partner from his home country and that he’s legitimately wanting a relationship with you and not using you as a springboard into the UK?

(I’m an immigrant too OP so please don’t be offended if this sounds like a daft question, but you wouldn’t be the first nor last person to be used for their passport)

Sounds like a very dysfunctional brother sister relationship, do you think there was more to it? At the very least a huge crush?

Edit: Or as said above a jilted gf or wife.

I don’t understand why you’d even share the news with any of his family.
They sound awful and appear to have proven time and time again how awful they are.
I wouldn’t want his sister in a 10000 mile radius of any child I had. She sounds unhinged.

I appreciate your partner needs to make his own decisions about his own family, but the minute you put a child into the equation, you get a very big say on how much input they have.

She is completely unhinged and unpredictable. Definitely need to block her and go nc.
Your dp needs to understand he needs boundaries and that it's completely ok to reinforce those boundaries every time his sister over steps.
If she does insist on visiting, do not let her stay in your house, make sure she's in a hotel or airbnb. And never leave her alone with your baby, obviously.

Not to be rude, but you can’t honestly be expecting people to read all of that?

That's not a spousal visa then. Its an unmarried partner visa. And that visa before February 2024 required 2 years of living together before being eligible.

Also read it all - it is long - but hoping it helped you OP to write it all down.

Agree with others that you should have no hesitation blocking the SIL and leaving the contact to your DH. Do not invite her to stay with you. If she visits the uk, she needs to stay elsewhere. I think she does need psychological help but suspect she won’t accept any.

I only read half of that, but it’s very clear that your SIL is the way that she is because of past trauma, she has not grown up emotionally and sees your DH as a surrogate parent. Having had her own child very young she did not have a chance to process all that she went through and grow into her own adult self like perhaps your DH was able to do in his ‘wild’ years.
I am quite worried about what sort of parent she is, actually.
Anyway, my advice is that you and DH are very kind and understanding, and also very firm. She needs therapy. I strongly suggest that if she comes to visit you, she stays in a hotel.

when you choose a partner, you are also connecting yourself to their family, history and any other baggage.
yes some may go no contact but that doesn't remove the existence of those family members or their past history they are still affected and influenced by everything which has gone before or continues to happen around them.
it sounds like for whatever reason your DH and his sister's relationship is dysfunctional. From what you've said, I would be considering whether he became a father figure to her (which could explain why she is so distraught about him leaving) but also the possibility of any sexual / abusive relationship between them given their incredibly chaotic upbringing and the current dynamics which seem more like an upset / traumatised ex.
i would proceed with extreme care, especially as you are now bringing a baby into this situation. As a PP said, things can unravel when your relationship is tested and a new baby and the reality of life together could do that. Watch for any changes or concerning behaviour.
Keep an open mind, prioritise yourself and the baby, focus on your relationship rather than the wider issues, but stay alert and tread with care. You haven't chosen an easy path with a partner who you met quickly, know has a lot of troubled history, has relied on you for a visa to leave his past behind / enter a new country. You also say you don't have the best family background either. A lot of this gives red flags / rings alarm bells especially once the baby is brought into the mix.
Take care and good luck OP.

Has anyone mentioned the mumsnet classic BOUNDARIES yet?
That's all you need. Block her on everything, change your phone number if needed. Don't answer unknown numbers unless you're expecting something like a doctor or job interview call back. Leave all the contact with her to DH.

Suggest DH limits contact to her to something like once a month or week. I'm sure he could set up his phone and emails so her messages go to a different folder and he checks when he can.

Also agree with never letting her in your house. Keep her away from baby but if DH insists the keep it to short public places visits only.

Honestly block her. Let DH know that you have chosen not to have that kind of crazy in your life and that you don’t want her around the baby either. He can choose to respond to her messages or not, but she isn’t to come to your home and isn’t going to have any contact with your kid until your kid is old enough to understand the situation.(ie Adult)