Advice/rant
I’ve posted before about my MIL, who seemed to be replaced with a crueler, meaner version of herself when I had my first baby.
Things somewhat improved and I forgave her and moved forward. I didn’t hold a grudge although I knew I’d never get an acknowledgment or an apology from her. DH finally admitted that she was vile towards me and apologised on her behalf.
I’ve recently had my 2nd baby and things started off a lot better. She’d pretty much stopped with her weird behaviour and criticisms. She came over 24hrs postpartum even though I did ask just for that first day at home to recover, decompress and spend some time with both my children. I’d had a long labour which ended up in a Cat 1 due to haemorrhaging, narrowly avoiding a transfusion. I felt a bit pressured into having her over, but she said she’d come for 2hrs and go. She stayed the whole day and insisted on going for lunch, wanting to take my toddler and newborn, whilst I stayed home to recover. I said a firm no to my brand new baby going for a pub lunch, who I was exclusively breastfeeding. She took it well - previously that would have caused a meltdown about how she’s being left out and I’m blocking her from bonding.
Anyway, that was a tad annoying, but she was at least pleasant to me. She’d been over weekly to spend time with the kids, often without DH present and we’ve been getting along. It’s almost been like pre kids where she and I would happily spend time together DH. She’s not been helping with the kids which is fine, I don’t expect other people to, but she does post on social media saying how helpful she’s been and that I couldn’t do it without her, which was a bit annoying, but ok.
As time has gone by though, she’s started getting weird again. She’s become fixated on the fact I’m breastfeeding again. Little comments have started about how she thinks I should wean early and she desperately wants to give my baby solids. I caught her trying to give me 12wk old ice cream because “baby was staring and wanted it” She denied it, but there was chocolate ice cream on my babies romper. Then there’s the comments about how baby is really hungry as breastfeeding doesn’t fill them up enough and I nearly starved my 1st born because he was so small. I didn’t. He just small. Even now several months after being weaned, he’s still little. She’s still blaming breastfeeding.
MIL is now claiming she’s being left out again. I’m not sure how she is, as she’s coming over twice a week, gets to spend time with the kids with and without me (less so with baby though due to breastfeeding and I don’t trust her now) We’ve taken the kids to her house, been on day trips and meals out etc. I don’t know what she’s complaining about.
We had our wedding anniversary on Friday and my mum looked after the kids for a few hours. MIL has made it very clear she doesn’t like babysitting anyway, so we didn’t ask her. On our way back, my mum text to say my PIL’s had turned up. DH knew nothing about this. MIL said she didn’t want to feel left out on our anniversary. It’s our bloody wedding anniversary, I don’t see why she’d need to be included in that?! My baby had refused the bottles of expressed milk I’d left, so my mum had to cup feed him. No biggie, infant feeding was part of her long medical career, so she managed it fine. MIL sat there with a smug look on her face and said “well that’s why you should formula feed” I just ignored her. Despite cup feeding, he hadn’t had enough milk, so I went to feed him. She refused to hand him to me saying she was having cuddles as he’s her grandson too. I asked again politely to pass my baby back so I could feed him and she held on tighter and said no. I just said “I’m not asking” and had to snatch him back. He was screaming for me at this point.
Later on, DH posted some old pics on social media and of our wedding. His mum shared it with the caption “my son is the best husband” and then commented under his “I love our crazy life. Love you so much” It was literally a post about our marriage, not about her. I asked DH about this and he again said “yeah it’s weird, but she’s so scared about being left out” She has a tendency to invite herself to things anyway. DH arranged for dinner with friends we’d not seen in ages, she invited herself along. My birthday lunch, she tried to invite herself to. His birthday dinner with his friends (he’d already gone for dinner with her on his actual birthday) she turned up too. Even years ago now, when we arranged to go meet the celebrant for our wedding, she invited herself to that. It’s not like she’s never included unless she invites herself. She spends more time with and has way more access than most mothers of adult children do. She even tried coming to the hospital 45mins after I was out of surgery, with a cannula in and several drips. I told DH I’d get him kicked off the ward too if she came in. PIL’s in that situation whilst I’m naked and recovering is highly inappropriate, no matter how excited they are to see a new grandchild.
I could maybe understand the intensity if DH was her only child and these were her only Grandchildren, or even his only children, they’re not! She has other kids and lots of grandchildren, but for some reason it’s me that bares the brunt of it. She’s actively involved in all of their lives, so it’s not like she’s missing out on anything. DH is her favourite child and favourite son though, so I don’t know if that’s part of it?
I just want everyone to get along, but I don’t like feeling like MIL sees herself as integral to my marriage and motherhood. I’ve never blocked her from coming over, even when she was being a bitch with my 1st baby. DH gets just as annoyed, but really struggles to enforce boundaries.
It got better last time, but she’s gradually getting worse again. I don’t know what to do or say. I’m prepared to kick her out of my house if she starts getting nasty again, but it’s starting to make me feel anxious when we’re due to see her.
AIBU to feel the way I do and she’s just trying to be involved, just too pushy?