Why is MIL like this?

[Chunkychips23]

Advice/rant

I’ve posted before about my MIL, who seemed to be replaced with a crueler, meaner version of herself when I had my first baby.

Things somewhat improved and I forgave her and moved forward. I didn’t hold a grudge although I knew I’d never get an acknowledgment or an apology from her. DH finally admitted that she was vile towards me and apologised on her behalf.

I’ve recently had my 2nd baby and things started off a lot better. She’d pretty much stopped with her weird behaviour and criticisms. She came over 24hrs postpartum even though I did ask just for that first day at home to recover, decompress and spend some time with both my children. I’d had a long labour which ended up in a Cat 1 due to haemorrhaging, narrowly avoiding a transfusion. I felt a bit pressured into having her over, but she said she’d come for 2hrs and go. She stayed the whole day and insisted on going for lunch, wanting to take my toddler and newborn, whilst I stayed home to recover. I said a firm no to my brand new baby going for a pub lunch, who I was exclusively breastfeeding. She took it well - previously that would have caused a meltdown about how she’s being left out and I’m blocking her from bonding.

Anyway, that was a tad annoying, but she was at least pleasant to me. She’d been over weekly to spend time with the kids, often without DH present and we’ve been getting along. It’s almost been like pre kids where she and I would happily spend time together DH. She’s not been helping with the kids which is fine, I don’t expect other people to, but she does post on social media saying how helpful she’s been and that I couldn’t do it without her, which was a bit annoying, but ok.

As time has gone by though, she’s started getting weird again. She’s become fixated on the fact I’m breastfeeding again. Little comments have started about how she thinks I should wean early and she desperately wants to give my baby solids. I caught her trying to give me 12wk old ice cream because “baby was staring and wanted it” She denied it, but there was chocolate ice cream on my babies romper. Then there’s the comments about how baby is really hungry as breastfeeding doesn’t fill them up enough and I nearly starved my 1st born because he was so small. I didn’t. He just small. Even now several months after being weaned, he’s still little. She’s still blaming breastfeeding.

MIL is now claiming she’s being left out again. I’m not sure how she is, as she’s coming over twice a week, gets to spend time with the kids with and without me (less so with baby though due to breastfeeding and I don’t trust her now) We’ve taken the kids to her house, been on day trips and meals out etc. I don’t know what she’s complaining about.

We had our wedding anniversary on Friday and my mum looked after the kids for a few hours. MIL has made it very clear she doesn’t like babysitting anyway, so we didn’t ask her. On our way back, my mum text to say my PIL’s had turned up. DH knew nothing about this. MIL said she didn’t want to feel left out on our anniversary. It’s our bloody wedding anniversary, I don’t see why she’d need to be included in that?! My baby had refused the bottles of expressed milk I’d left, so my mum had to cup feed him. No biggie, infant feeding was part of her long medical career, so she managed it fine. MIL sat there with a smug look on her face and said “well that’s why you should formula feed” I just ignored her. Despite cup feeding, he hadn’t had enough milk, so I went to feed him. She refused to hand him to me saying she was having cuddles as he’s her grandson too. I asked again politely to pass my baby back so I could feed him and she held on tighter and said no. I just said “I’m not asking” and had to snatch him back. He was screaming for me at this point.

Later on, DH posted some old pics on social media and of our wedding. His mum shared it with the caption “my son is the best husband” and then commented under his “I love our crazy life. Love you so much” It was literally a post about our marriage, not about her. I asked DH about this and he again said “yeah it’s weird, but she’s so scared about being left out” She has a tendency to invite herself to things anyway. DH arranged for dinner with friends we’d not seen in ages, she invited herself along. My birthday lunch, she tried to invite herself to. His birthday dinner with his friends (he’d already gone for dinner with her on his actual birthday) she turned up too. Even years ago now, when we arranged to go meet the celebrant for our wedding, she invited herself to that. It’s not like she’s never included unless she invites herself. She spends more time with and has way more access than most mothers of adult children do. She even tried coming to the hospital 45mins after I was out of surgery, with a cannula in and several drips. I told DH I’d get him kicked off the ward too if she came in. PIL’s in that situation whilst I’m naked and recovering is highly inappropriate, no matter how excited they are to see a new grandchild.

I could maybe understand the intensity if DH was her only child and these were her only Grandchildren, or even his only children, they’re not! She has other kids and lots of grandchildren, but for some reason it’s me that bares the brunt of it. She’s actively involved in all of their lives, so it’s not like she’s missing out on anything. DH is her favourite child and favourite son though, so I don’t know if that’s part of it?

I just want everyone to get along, but I don’t like feeling like MIL sees herself as integral to my marriage and motherhood. I’ve never blocked her from coming over, even when she was being a bitch with my 1st baby. DH gets just as annoyed, but really struggles to enforce boundaries.

It got better last time, but she’s gradually getting worse again. I don’t know what to do or say. I’m prepared to kick her out of my house if she starts getting nasty again, but it’s starting to make me feel anxious when we’re due to see her.

AIBU to feel the way I do and she’s just trying to be involved, just too pushy?

I'd get off social media for a start. What does it add to your life? Nothing, except extra drama.
Sounds as though you need to be very frank with the mother in law.

I think your husband needs therapy tbh.

Your husband needs to gradually reduce contact with her (I don’t mean cut contact), she will get used to it eventually as she will have no choice

I felt my chest tightening reading your OP. I don’t think you even know how much she’s manipulating you. You’re describing her actions but you’re still trying to do the right thing, be a nice person, not upset her. She doesn’t mind upsetting you - repeatedly! She knows exactly what she’s doing and she sees you as irrelevant collateral damage, if she thinks about you at all. Taking the high road gets you nowhere with people like this. They will just continue to take advantage of you and actively ignore what’s right/wrong to get what they need.

Just say no. She’s your DH’s mother, not yours. Let her tantrum, let her cry, tell your DH to deal with her. This is your life, your house, your children, your friends, your anniversary well before any of those things are hers. She’s secondary, which she knows but can’t handle. That’s not your problem. It’s hers. If your DH can’t stand up to her, that’s not your problem. It’s his. But for him you wouldn’t even know this woman who is taking so much from you.

My batshit MIL (who I’ve posted about before many time under almost 16 years of name changes) refused to hand my precious newborn back to me for a feed when she was crying. She was 8 days old. It happened once and once only. She tried many, many ways in the early years to ensure her primacy in my family. I was firm and always polite. You have to be consistent and hold your boundaries at all times - one slip and she’ll be right back in there. It’s the only way the message will get through.

I’m sure your husband is a lovely man but he needs to grow a pair where his mother is concerned or he’ll end up with a second divorce. Even reading your posts makes me anxious never mind having to live them!

She’s a psycho bitch. But stop giving her the means and opportunity.

I think there are two separate issues here:

1. Her ability to respect boundaries.
2. Her attitude towards breastfeeding.

In terms of the first issue, it feels like things are improving (she didn’t push to take the baby with her when you said no), so it sounds like there is some reflection and work from her. You just need to stay in touch with what feels ok and what doesn’t and keep the communication going in a firm but polite way. It sounds like you’ve been able to do this in a way which works.

The second issue is the hostility towards breastfeeding. Perhaps it is a strong word but it sounds like it. Part of this is generational. She may not have breastfed her own children and generally if she did, this will have been for a shorter period. Generationally between the 50s and 80s, formula milk was very popular and breastfeeding waned. There are, for those from older generations, associations with lower class families too. Breastfeeding was seen as something mothers did if they couldn’t afford to pay for formula milk.

They also have different generational views on introduction of solids. It was common for babies as young as 3 or 4 months to have a little introduction to something else other than milk (very small amounts). This was standard advice. Even now, if you look into it, if a baby is larger and hungry, it is generally acceptable to introduce a baby to a very small amount of solids at 4-5 months old. As a baby I was introduced to solids at 4 months old (very small amounts) and this was not harmful and was standard practice. If your baby is smaller though, this will probably be less appropriate.

I think it’s every woman’s choice how she feeds but I wouldn’t dismiss her perspective and concern that your baby is hungry. Some mothers have a plentiful milk supply. Others, unfortunately do not, and where the milk supply is less, it is often advisable to supplement with formula milk. I have seen some mums so focused on breastfeeding that they have been oblivious to the fact their babies were managing but not thriving. Once, in hospital, I saw a midwife begging a breastfeeding mother to give her baby formula milk as she was not producing enough milk and the baby cried all the time.

I would say in terms of the second issue to step back and see this is a generational parenting difference but also be open to the feedback that your baby may be hungry and may need to have the breast milk supplemented in some way. Her concern may be genuine. I have no strong opinions either way about how a baby should be fed, but it has been painful to watch a discontented baby who you know is that way because they’re hungry all of the time as their appetite isn’t sated.

This is the most batshit thing I've ever heard.
She would have got a whack if she refused to give me my baby back (after baby safely in crib in another room ofc).
You've put up with so much I feel awful for you
Ban her from the home, agree to meet in public spaces. Shes nasty and too much.

You have a dh problem

She sounds absolutely crackers.

She sounds absolutely crackers.

Goodness me.

Just no. And no. And no.

That.

How on earth is she able to do that if you do not have any dh problem…

He’s a major wet lettuce. Teach him the standard mn phrase; that doesn’t suit, or better yet, get him to stop telling her where you/he are going. Do you not see how completely ridiculous he’s being? He’d rather upset you than her. Why is that?

I’m appalled that she wouldn’t give you back the baby. She would not be in my house after pulling that little stunt.

Wonder why he and his first wife separated! 🤷‍♀️

Yanbu to be fed up with her behaviours and intrusion.

Your husband is totally responsible for continuing to feed her information and failing to protect you. He's your problem.

Her concern is not genuine. My baby is 80th centile. She remarks every time she holds him how heavy he’s getting. My toddler was and is still small and has been weaned for several months. I’m short and petite, so he’s likely taken after me.

If there were any concerns over feeding, my mum is medically trained and qualified, with decades of experience to offer breastfeeding advice/support, so she’d be the first person to point it out a problem.

MIL has stated many a time that breastfeeding is disgusting and selfish, with mothers these days just doing it for show. Even before I’d even given birth, she tried to discourage me from breastfeeding my 1st. Some of it I feel stems from her lack of understanding about it, things such as cluster feeding and comfort feeding. But the fact she bullied my SIL into stopping breastfeeding, getting in her head, suggests it’s mostly her personal opinion.

If there were weight gain or feeding issues with either the of my babies, I’d act upon it. I’m really not precious how a baby is fed. Fed is fed xx

It’s easy to say “you have a DH problem”, and you do, but waiting for him to see the light will take years. And a load of professional therapy.

I’m still backing @Lafufufu’s low road whilst simultaneously telling your MIL where she can get off.

I want to add on to all the posters saying your DH would rather upset you than her (and they’re right, of course) is that the way you get your DH to stop being a wet lettuce is to make him fear upsetting you as much as his mum does. I don’t suggest you rant and cry. But you can easily say things like “no, this was supposed to be just us, if your mum is coming too I don’t want to go”, or “you’ve invited your mum again, without asking me? Well I’m taking the kids to my mum’s without asking you” and do it.

You won’t need to do it more than two or three times before you find your DH suddenly finds the power of speech when talking to his mum. And if he doesn’t, and just kicks off at you - well, your MIL will the reason but not the cause for you issuing him with an ultimatum.

Once someone shows you who they are believe them! She will never change!

I would cut the visits to once a week, max. Not for the whole day either. A few hours and then “sorry MIL we have plans now and have to head out let me help you to your car.” I would also be very busy in case of pop ins. Get a ring doorbell so you can see her coming, then get your coats on before answering the door and say you are leaving for a baby group etc. Meet her somewhere like a cafe that you can leave when you want or start visiting her in her home so you can leave when you like. As others have said tell her nothing. I’d go as far as being vague with your husband about plans until the day of the plans if he keeps telling her everything. Sympathies OP she sounds unbearable

I think you need to shift your conversations with your husband about her behaviour to focus less on what a pain in the arse she is now, to what a monumental nightmare she’ll be in old age, and use that as the reason for him to start getting a firmer grip on his enmeshment with her. Otherwise the arguments you’ll be having won’t be about her breaching boundaries but about her thinking she can move in with you.

She’s awful but he’s the one who needs to deal with it otherwise you’ll be painted as a witch and he’ll be stuck in the middle.

And he should seriously talking to your FIL about this too.

My previous MIL was like this. It was a huge factor in my divorce.

10 years have gone by and I am still utterly overjoyed to no longer have her as my MIL.

My current husband's brother's wives find my current MIL hard work (she can be very pushy). But I still find her a dream in comparison to my old one. New MIL is just pushy, but not emotionally manipulative. She's a nice person who also cares about my wellbeing, she just also wants what she wants. But if she really thought she was deeply upsetting me or being a problem in our marriage - she'd back off. Because that's what sane, normal people do.

The really big difference is my current husband just says no to her himself and doesn't leave me to deal with it.

Honestly, I'd get divorced again in if I had another MIL like that again. I don't love anyone enough to have to deal with the level of stress involved in dealing with their emotionally manipulative mother who deliberately stamps all over boundaries.

Sometimes I wonder why MILs have this personality transplant when they have grandchildren, and if it will one day happen to me... I just can't imagine being that selfish, but who knows ?!

She’s already decided she’s living with us, based on a promise DH made when he was 8yrs old! Even DH agrees that’s batshit and will be sticking her in a home 😂