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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite housekeeper for Christmas?

59 replies

SpiltLatte · 01/09/2025 19:35

We have a live in house keeper/PA who is brilliant, I couldn’t manage without her. She lives in our house but her bedroom has its own corridor with her own bathroom and a staircase directly down to the kitchen (which hasits own door to outside) so it’s kind of like a little flat.

Last year at Christmas she went home to spend it with her parents. She had a miserable time and came back quite depressed. I won’t go into it but it’s not a great relationship.

so this year I’m thinking of asking her to stay here for Christmas and spend it with us as part of the (very small!) family. DH thinks this is weird and will come across as such. Is it?

OP posts:
Smallsalt · 01/09/2025 19:37

I think it's very kind of you and if you have the kind of relationship where you would both feel comfortable it's a lovely idea.

Jesswebster01 · 01/09/2025 19:37

I think it's a nice idea just make it a casual suggestion so she doesn't feel obliged to say yes

Badlypaintedrose · 01/09/2025 19:37

Depends - will she have to work as your housekeeper during that time? If not, will it be strange when she goes back to being the housekeeper?

or maybe you could just make it clear that she doesn’t need to leave at Christmas, could spend it alone in her flat or invite people over etc?

MidnightPatrol · 01/09/2025 19:38

I think that’s lovely - pitch it as ‘if you aren’t seeing your parents we’d love to have you join us’ so if she wants to say no she can easily.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 01/09/2025 19:40

As long as you're able to adapt to treating her as a friend on an equal footing, and not as an employee.

Arlanymor · 01/09/2025 19:41

I think it’s a lovely idea on the surface - but how you explain it is key. Is she coming as a family friend or is she expected to work? Hopefully the former and as @MidnightPatrol has said, make it a nice casual suggestion which she can accept or not. But you do need to be clear about the not working aspect

MeganM3 · 01/09/2025 19:42

It’s not weird to invite her. It’s nice. Just be sure there’s no pressure on her to accept, and it’s absolutely fine if she decides not to join you.
Also make clear it’s not for her to work, just to be your guest. If that’s what you’re suggesting.

Lovely to offer though - it’s always nice to be invited to things isn’t it.

TheChosenTwo · 01/09/2025 19:43

I think it would be a lovely gesture and I’d do it as a pp suggested, “if you’re not planning on going home to your parents for Christmas this year you’re more than welcome to join us or even just stay here if you want.”
we’ve often had additional one off guests join us for Christmas.

Iloveeverycat · 01/09/2025 19:45

I think that is a lovely idea

OneKhakiFish · 01/09/2025 19:47

It's not weird, it means your thinking of her. It's nice to be nice

PashaMinaMio · 01/09/2025 19:47

You are very kind to be thinking about this.

I’ve had a live in housekeeper. She had a 2 bed flat in another wing. Big house blah de blah. Many years ago. We never mixed socially.

Depends on your relationship to date but no way would we have invited her into our Christmas.

Having said that could you invite her for something specific? Christmas lunch for example? Would she help cook it and together you enjoy the camaraderie?

It’s only one day so even if she goes away, would she return for Boxing Day or do you give her a few days off?

Original poster
SpiltLatte · 01/09/2025 20:00

God no I would never ask her to work it! I would hope she would know that but I’d make it very clear just incase.

The lines are already blurred really to be honest, she’s very much become a family friend and we often binge watch Netflix series etc in an afternoon when we’re both meant to be working 😂

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 01/09/2025 20:02

PashaMinaMio · 01/09/2025 19:47

You are very kind to be thinking about this.

I’ve had a live in housekeeper. She had a 2 bed flat in another wing. Big house blah de blah. Many years ago. We never mixed socially.

Depends on your relationship to date but no way would we have invited her into our Christmas.

Having said that could you invite her for something specific? Christmas lunch for example? Would she help cook it and together you enjoy the camaraderie?

It’s only one day so even if she goes away, would she return for Boxing Day or do you give her a few days off?

Even ‘camaraderie’ cooking together blurs the lines - a guest, is a guest, is a guest.

Nousernamesavaliable · 01/09/2025 20:05

Your going to get mixed reply here.... the ones that dont have live in nanny's will tell you ( me) that's a very lovely idea, shows you appreciate her and like her after all christmas is about family and friends as long as she is not expected to lift a finger. The ones with, will tell you no dont do that, she will begin to feel different and take advantage.
At the end of that day she is actively raising your children in your absence. Personally I would do the most i can to ensure she is aware of her worth and just how much I/ we appreciate her.

Zov · 01/09/2025 20:09

Not weird at all. Do it. Nice thought. Smile

Although....... You do sound like you have already gone a bit far mixing business with pleasure with her, and that may not end well. Or maybe it will, and she will be forever like a family member - like in the movies! 😄

Arlanymor · 01/09/2025 20:11

Nousernamesavaliable · 01/09/2025 20:05

Your going to get mixed reply here.... the ones that dont have live in nanny's will tell you ( me) that's a very lovely idea, shows you appreciate her and like her after all christmas is about family and friends as long as she is not expected to lift a finger. The ones with, will tell you no dont do that, she will begin to feel different and take advantage.
At the end of that day she is actively raising your children in your absence. Personally I would do the most i can to ensure she is aware of her worth and just how much I/ we appreciate her.

Sorry but to me that honestly sounds quite patronising - assuming that she will take advantage. It’s not Downton Abbey, people can have work and social relationships that don’t conflict. I have a friend who is a live-in nanny and she would never dream of taking the piss. She knows what boundaries are. Which is helpful given she is part of raising children who also need to know what boundaries are. Maybe some people on here have been burned by ‘nannies gone rogue’, but I bet it’s not the majority by any stretch of the imagination.

Original poster
SpiltLatte · 01/09/2025 20:17

Just to add she doesn’t take care of children ☺️

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 01/09/2025 20:21

SpiltLatte · 01/09/2025 20:17

Just to add she doesn’t take care of children ☺️

Yes sorry - I mentioned children because of my response to the PP.

Sauvignonblanket · 01/09/2025 20:26

Maybe invite her for Christmas dinner and go from there - saying spending Christmas makes it sound like she has to be with you from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day night, which might be too much. Then if she accepts, gauge what she'd like to be involved in.

DiscoBob · 01/09/2025 20:29

Definitely invite her to Christmas dinner. There's a chance she might not want to but it's a nice gesture. Make it plain that she won't be expected to work.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 01/09/2025 20:31

It sounds fine if your husband is up for it, and it doesn’t sound like he is?

ScholesPanda · 01/09/2025 20:36

I think you're being very kind OP, but in balance I think I wouldn't. Not unless you usually eat together (I know some people do).

It will change the relationship I think. It crosses a boundary.

DeeKitch · 01/09/2025 20:54

Lovely offer - make sure to tell her she’s invited as a friend not employee x

GypsyQueeen · 01/09/2025 20:59

I would not have someone like this at my dinner table at Christmas.
If she insists on staying on over the Christmas break could she not work?
I just think it could be awkward and therefore possibly ruin your Christmas, which is not fair on you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/09/2025 21:09

I must be a bit clueless going from the replies but I’d have thought the default would be that she stays for Christmas? If she’s “live in”
then surely she lives there, ie it’s currently her home?

So would she need to be invited to stay for Christmas?

But I think it’s worth a conversation to say “would you like to celebrate Christmas with us” so she knows she’s included in festivities.

My only nearish experience is having au pairs, and yes they went home for Christmas but we never assumed they wouldn’t be there at any given time.

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