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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants DD to sleep over - AIBU?

77 replies

raffathegaffa · 31/08/2025 21:51

Next weekend my DH’s step mum has organised a family get together for her partner (my DH’s DF). It’s a big birthday and they’ve only invited a handful of close family, but we will be driving 2.5 hours there with 3 children and 2 of those are under 2. They’ve very kindly paid for us to stay in a hotel for the night with the 2 youngest but here is where the problem is - my MIL is obsessed with my DD sleeping over. The gathering is being held at MIL’s brothers house so him and his wife will be in the house (so no family relation of ours whatsoever, but still lovely people although I can’t say I really KNOW them) and then my DH’s brother is going and he’s taking his son so my DD’s cousin (similar ages and they do really get on)

So I’ve had some issues recently with sleepovers, mainly because of some things that happened to me when I was my DD’s age but also just from becoming more aware and this idea that you can just never be sure about anyone. My DD is 8 and her cousin is nearly 10 and recently if my DH has taken her to stay with his actual mum (so not stepmum) her cousin will want to sleep over and he let them share a double bed knowing that I wasn’t comfortable with it. But basically I’ve said I don’t want them sharing a bed anymore or having sleepovers unless they sleep in their own bedroom. I don’t know if I’m weird for not being comfortable with it but i think it honestly stems from a few things that happened to me when I was a child and I never felt able to tell an adult because I thought I’d get into trouble. I don’t actually think her cousin is doing anything inappropriate but he is very grown up for his age whereas my DD acts a lot younger and I suppose I just worry about children’s games etc. Also, it’s not just the bed sharing with the cousin thing , I just don’t know who exactly is in that house adults wise and I would just rather take her back to the hotel with us! But after I text her saying I would prefer DD to stay at the hotel with us , she rang my DH and basically didn’t accept me saying I didn’t want my DD to have a sleepover at her brothers house - she just kept pushing him to let our DD decide and I could hear her on the phone saying it would be a shame if I didn’t let her sleep over etc and it’s because im worried not because my DD doesn’t want to.

Not to drip feed but there is a bit of a backstory with step MIL basically not appreciating any of my wishes. DD also has severe allergies and there have been a few near misses where she has done silly things like scrape the almond chocolate off a magnum for my daughter and then rinse the ice cream under the tap so it was “no longer nut contaminated” and just generally always wanting things her way and being really weird about my parenting style as she thinks I’m really over protective (she doesn’t have any kids of her own but she always seems to have loads of advice on how to raise my kids so dunno if this feeds into it)
. She has always made me feel really small and kind of backed me into a corner and made me agree to do things her way because I was only 19 when I met her and 20 when I had my DD so I was very young. I’m nearly 30 now so I feel more confident at speaking out when I’m not comfortable with something.. she has never had a sleepover at this set of grandparents house mainly because I never used to trust them with the allergies and they really didn’t take them seriously but now she’s a bit older I do trust them to take her on days out etc but I’m just still not comfortable with a sleepover in a house I’m unfamiliar with and possibly bed sharing with cousin again …so I guess really I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable in not letting her sleep over?

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 31/08/2025 21:53

I couldn't be comfortable with the bed sharing option either. They're not siblings, no from me.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 31/08/2025 22:01

YANBU to not allow your DD to sleep in the same bed as a ten year old boy. I would not be happy with this and would say no.

I would try to be breezy in responding but very firm, 'no thank you, we're all staying at the hotel tonight for some family time together - thanks for offering though.' And repeat.

And tell your DH how you feel - no more sleepovers.

myplace · 31/08/2025 22:04

Absolutely not unreasonable. Protect your DD. Anyone that tries to undermine that is a safeguarding risk, frankly.

LargeChestofDrawers · 31/08/2025 22:04

YANBU. Say a flat no and do not back down. They can say you're over-anxious if they want, but to hell with it. Sharing a bed with a 10 year old boy is not really on - it'd be different if there were other kids there too and they were all on blow up mattresses - one each - but not just her and him in one bed. I'm guessing they want her there to keep him entertained.

Could you collect her just before bedtime? Is that logistically possible? So a semi-conpromise?

fruitypancake · 31/08/2025 22:05

No way, trust your instincts. She does not need to sleepover and you don’t need to give an explanation. They can still have fun together and enjoy seeing each other

harriethoyle · 31/08/2025 22:06

I really hope you tore your DH and your mum a new one for letting your DD share a bed with her male cousin…

Robin67 · 31/08/2025 22:08

If she is not trustworthy of basic allergy precautions, she is not safe to look after your daughter without adult (sensible, intelligent adult) supervision

MigGril · 31/08/2025 22:13

I consider myself fairly lax on sleepovers, but it would still be a no from me in this situation. I'd be very worried about the allergies also, we couldn't leave DS with MIL because she didn't seem to be able to figure out how to give him the right inhaler when he needed it. Their health and wellbeing isn't worth the risk.

Original poster
raffathegaffa · 31/08/2025 22:31

Thank you all for the replies so far - I’ve felt “right” in my way of thinking but my DH said he always had sleepovers with his cousins growing up and used to share a bed with his female cousin til he was 11 or 12 and nothing ever happened and he thinks I’m over reacting and basically says it’s me who has to have the word with his family. She called me and I didn’t pick up because it wasn’t a convenient time for me to talk about it but I’m going to call her this week at some point and explain but I’m just worried about insinuating that I think they’re all paedos or something. She is a bit obsessed with my DD’s cousin because he’s the eldest grandchild and the one she’s always looked after the most and is probably her favourite so if I also insinuate something weird about him I know she won’t be happy so I’m just wondering how to word it in the best way. I’m really annoyed I’m being put in this position to be honest, I’ve already said no and I don’t feel it’s fair that I need to give a reason other than that I don’t want her to sleep over because she’s my daughter and I need to protect her! I’m obviously fuming about her sharing a bed and I’ve even had to have conversations with my DD about body autonomy because of it and now I’m worried about giving her a complex or that if anything inappropriate ever has happened she’d be too scared to tell me! I’m just annoyed that they’ve all put me in this position!

OP posts:
skelter83 · 31/08/2025 22:34

A male and female cousin of those ages should absolutely not be sharing a bed. I’m pretty relaxed about sleepovers and expected to tell you to chill out but that is totally not ok. Stand your ground. I wouldn’t have any children of opposite sex sharing at those ages either.

NuffSaidSam · 31/08/2025 22:37

Tbh I would have done what MIL suggested and asked DD what she wanted and then gone from there.

If she'd said no, then problem solved.

If she'd said yes, I would have tried to find a compromise, like maybe you/DH stay with her and the other looks after the babies in the hotel room. Or if you trust BIL more then put him in charge rather than MIL.

It's a tricky one because obviously things can and do happen on occasions like this and it's good to be cautious, but also for many, many, many children they're a fun and lovely part of childhood and it would be a shame to deny her that on the grounds that there is a miniscule chance something untoward might happen.

Original poster
raffathegaffa · 31/08/2025 23:02

NuffSaidSam · 31/08/2025 22:37

Tbh I would have done what MIL suggested and asked DD what she wanted and then gone from there.

If she'd said no, then problem solved.

If she'd said yes, I would have tried to find a compromise, like maybe you/DH stay with her and the other looks after the babies in the hotel room. Or if you trust BIL more then put him in charge rather than MIL.

It's a tricky one because obviously things can and do happen on occasions like this and it's good to be cautious, but also for many, many, many children they're a fun and lovely part of childhood and it would be a shame to deny her that on the grounds that there is a miniscule chance something untoward might happen.

Thank you. I may suggest that DH stays with her in the house and I stay with the babies at the hotel. For us it would have been easier if we could’ve all stayed at the house with the babies instead of them since it’s easier for 2 adults to stay in a hotel rather than 2 adults taking a child, a toddler and a baby. We could’ve put them to bed and then relaxed for the evening rather than having to clock watch and drag them to a hotel probably late whilst one of us stays with DD at the party. I can’t be bothered at all right after the summer holidays it just feels like it’s always on everyone else’s terms and no one takes our younger children and their needs into consideration.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 01/09/2025 09:01

where she has done silly things like scrape the almond chocolate off a magnum for my daughter and then rinse the ice cream under the tap so it was “no longer nut contaminated”

you don't have to go into detail about the bed thing; you have a valid reason not to let DD stay over right here...

FairyBatman · 01/09/2025 10:57

You are absolutely not unreasonable.

I won’t allow my DS 8 to share a bed or bath with his cousins 7 and 9 any more. It’s not just the risk of something happening but it’s also about teaching healthy boundaries, for them as much as for him.

With the allergies thrown in too it would be an absolute no.

Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 01/09/2025 11:04

You are her mum. Just say no, it's not happening. You are getting too bogged down with this, and you really don't have to explain reasons to anybody. Stand your ground. So what if they don't like your decision. They'll get over it.

Blissker · 01/09/2025 11:11

YANBU. Trust your instincts.

My children grew up having mixed sex sleepovers with family friends (separate beds). Our friends stopped them around 10th birthday on advice from school. Obviously we respected their wishes - if both sides aren't completely comfortable then it doesn't happen.

It seems ridiculous to have her stay over with your husband - such an unnecessary complication to have you dealing with baby and toddler solo in a hotel room to satisfy MIL's random whim. What does it add to her life really? A better solution might be that you all go to the hotel this time, and DH and DD go up and stay another weekend instead (if that works for your family).

smallpinecone · 01/09/2025 11:14

Trust your instincts and say no OP. Stand firm.

It’s inappropriate to be sharing a bed at that age.

No idea MIL is so keen for a sleepover anyway. They’re totally unnecessary.

Scentedjasmin · 01/09/2025 11:34

I see their point. They just want her to have a sleepover. But I also see your point. You're not being over anxious, you are basing your decision on your actual experience as a child. That is a very valid and strong reason. I would explain to them directly, maybe via email that, you are not comfortable with her sharing a bed with an older male, even a close relative. Also state that her allergies are extremely important and there are very few people who you would wish to put that level of responsibility upon, given the life threatening nature of her condition, particularly given the risks of cross contamination etc. don't give too many reasons or info though as they will try to overcome those objectives. Just reiterate that you would feel more comfortable if she stayed with you and her siblings.

Nobumsonthetable · 01/09/2025 11:35

Stop tying yourself in knots OP. You don’t have to explain a damn thing, you’re her mother, you’ve made the decision, end of story.
If this woman calls, all you need to say is, Janet, the answer is no and I won’t be changing my mind. Please stop pushing this, you are really starting to cause upset.

millymoo1202 · 01/09/2025 11:39

Why are you allowing someone who isn’t even related to any of you dictate what happens to your child. A simple thanks but no thanks we’re all staying in the hotel. Just shut it down

OhNoNotSusan · 01/09/2025 11:42

i doubt your 8 year old would want to share a bed with her 10 year old male cousin.
just say no

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 01/09/2025 11:46

Sorry mil but we are happier if dc stays with us. No need for further discussions
.

Lavender14 · 01/09/2025 11:54

I don't think yabu either. I also would say no under those circumstances. And tbh I'd actually go back to her directly and say, dear mil I'm not sure why you felt the need to go to dh to ask again about dd having a sleepover. Dh and I are a partnership and decide things together. Dd will not be having a sleepover at this time and our joint decision will not change so there is no need to discuss it further.

caramac04 · 01/09/2025 12:01

Absolutely no need for a sleepover. Better to be a little over protective than the other way around.
Chances are your dd would be safe but I wouldn’t want the cousins sharing a bed and I’d not be comfortable with people I’m unfamiliar with having contact with my daughter when I’m not there.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 01/09/2025 12:04

@raffathegaffa cant believe your dh thinks it is at all appropriate for your dd to share a bed with a curious boy!! or your step mother!!! she actually sounds not very sensible!! having dealt with child sa cases, this would be a big no no from me if not a bright red flag!!