MIL wants DD to sleep over - AIBU?

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Next weekend my DH’s step mum has organised a family get together for her partner (my DH’s DF). It’s a big birthday and they’ve only invited a handful of close family, but we will be driving 2.5 hours there with 3 children and 2 of those are under 2. They’ve very kindly paid for us to stay in a hotel for the night with the 2 youngest but here is where the problem is - my MIL is obsessed with my DD sleeping over. The gathering is being held at MIL’s brothers house so him and his wife will be in the house (so no family relation of ours whatsoever, but still lovely people although I can’t say I really KNOW them) and then my DH’s brother is going and he’s taking his son so my DD’s cousin (similar ages and they do really get on)

So I’ve had some issues recently with sleepovers, mainly because of some things that happened to me when I was my DD’s age but also just from becoming more aware and this idea that you can just never be sure about anyone. My DD is 8 and her cousin is nearly 10 and recently if my DH has taken her to stay with his actual mum (so not stepmum) her cousin will want to sleep over and he let them share a double bed knowing that I wasn’t comfortable with it. But basically I’ve said I don’t want them sharing a bed anymore or having sleepovers unless they sleep in their own bedroom. I don’t know if I’m weird for not being comfortable with it but i think it honestly stems from a few things that happened to me when I was a child and I never felt able to tell an adult because I thought I’d get into trouble. I don’t actually think her cousin is doing anything inappropriate but he is very grown up for his age whereas my DD acts a lot younger and I suppose I just worry about children’s games etc. Also, it’s not just the bed sharing with the cousin thing , I just don’t know who exactly is in that house adults wise and I would just rather take her back to the hotel with us! But after I text her saying I would prefer DD to stay at the hotel with us , she rang my DH and basically didn’t accept me saying I didn’t want my DD to have a sleepover at her brothers house - she just kept pushing him to let our DD decide and I could hear her on the phone saying it would be a shame if I didn’t let her sleep over etc and it’s because im worried not because my DD doesn’t want to.

Not to drip feed but there is a bit of a backstory with step MIL basically not appreciating any of my wishes. DD also has severe allergies and there have been a few near misses where she has done silly things like scrape the almond chocolate off a magnum for my daughter and then rinse the ice cream under the tap so it was “no longer nut contaminated” and just generally always wanting things her way and being really weird about my parenting style as she thinks I’m really over protective (she doesn’t have any kids of her own but she always seems to have loads of advice on how to raise my kids so dunno if this feeds into it)
. She has always made me feel really small and kind of backed me into a corner and made me agree to do things her way because I was only 19 when I met her and 20 when I had my DD so I was very young. I’m nearly 30 now so I feel more confident at speaking out when I’m not comfortable with something.. she has never had a sleepover at this set of grandparents house mainly because I never used to trust them with the allergies and they really didn’t take them seriously but now she’s a bit older I do trust them to take her on days out etc but I’m just still not comfortable with a sleepover in a house I’m unfamiliar with and possibly bed sharing with cousin again …so I guess really I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable in not letting her sleep over?

I’m surprised at them sharing a bed, I don’t think that’s appropriate at all. You’re her mother, you get to decide. MIL sounds pushing and in the habit of getting her own way

Your MIL is a walking collection of red flags. Why is she so specifically obsessed with just your daughter staying there without her siblings or a her parents. That's weird. Sharing a bed at that age with an older boy is really not safe. Her ignoring the girl's nut-allergy could get her killed.

What the hell is your husband thinking? This has nothing to do with your own past. As the parents' it's your duty to worry about these things till they are old enough to assess the risks themselves. Your husband is slacking off in his duties. I would be pissed, too, in your shoes OP.

do not compromise

it is a flat no! Kids dont "need" sleepovers IMO until secondary school onwards
(unless their parents/close family in the same house)

I agree with you bed sharing. Times are different now. I only ever stayed at my childhood best friends and literally it was my house neighbour and hers. That’s how close we were. I wasn’t allowed to stay until I was like high school age either. I personally don’t allows my DD12 sleep overs. Only person she feels remotely comfortable with is my mum. She tried to stay at my sisters a couple months back and spent the evening crying so I had to get her. She had her friend stay over Saturday for the first time. They did share a bed but they are girls both same age. I asked first if this was okay with her mum as my DD has a triple bunk and would have made the top one up for her but her parents were fine. They had an all nighters playing Roblox lol! It’s a personal preference but I’d never ever forgive myself if something happened to her at a sleepover. She can have her friends here if their parents allow it. Xxx

I don't think it's at all appropriate for an 8 year old girl to be sharing a bed with a 10 year old boy, and I base that opinion on things that happened to me with a slightly older cousin when I was her age. Not traumatic in the long run, given that it was 65 years ago, but definitely something I never told adults about. It just makes me (like you, apparently) aware that these things can happen. Children are much more aware of sexual matters at age 10 than they were in my childhood.

What about buying her a blow up bed/sleeping bag? She'll love the novelty of using it. But I'm with you, I wouldn't want them sharing a bed or a room.
Or would there be room your you and your husband to stop on the sitting room, either on a airbed or the sofas.

This is on your DH, you've told him no, what part of that doesn't he understand? He should be supporting you in your decisions as a couple rather than telling you to speak to his DM, I would not be calling her, he would be!

In this case, no is a complete sentence.
You’re not being weird, you can never truly trust anyone, they already disregard your wishes and important safety information re: your daughter. Just say no and keep saying no.

Remember, you are well within your rights to say no. You don’t even have to justify yourself to them in detail… in fact, it can be stronger if you can put it simpley without giving lots of excuses/reasons. It gives them less to argue back on.
I know it can be hard to be assertive in this way though, and I’m sorry that you’ve got to deal with it. Perhaps practice what you’re gonna say beforehand, and make sure you don’t use any words that weaken it like ‘a bit’ or ‘might’ or ‘just’.
How about something like “We’re all going to stay at the hotel, so it’s a no to the sleepover. I can tell you’ve been excited to spend time with her, but we’re all looking forward to the party and we’ll have good quality time together then”.
Good luck x

This.

YOUR HUSBAND LET YOUR DAUGHTER SHARE A BED WITH AN OLDER BOY.

HIS SM BULLDOZED YOUR RULES ABOUT DD'S ALLERGIES.

Their judgement is ... Flawed. Yours is the only fully functioning set of instincts and common sense here.

Some people just don't get it do they and will argue the toss until they wear you down. You don't need to give an explanation, just say you're a family and all spending a night in a hotel together is what families do. You'll won't settle the whole night worrying about her staying somewhere else and she's not old enough to look after herself. My DD stayed overnight with her dad when she was 9, I only found out afterwards that his girlfriend and her son (also 9) stayed too & the kids shared a bed - they didn't even know each other & even if they did it was out of order. God did I kick a stink up about that, his girlfriend called me a pervert - stupid woman! I spoke to child protection at work & they backed me up. Dd was horrified at sharing a bed with an unknown boy & rightly so. I just let her talk, and supported her.

Not her baby. Not her choice. End.

Even if there wasn't so much else wrong with this proposal, the answer is no - because you, his mother, have said so. But based on everything else, I wouldn't be leaving her alone with the baby at all.

I'd just politely message her and say no thanks. You owe her no more than that and she will try to badger you into it. How do I know this? A lifetime of reality based experience.

No is a full sentence.

You literally respond with, 'I said No and that's the end of it'.

It's uncomfortable, she may sulk, she may kick off but you don't get into a back and forth. It's just very simple. You said no.

Doesn't matter who is at the house, whether your kid wants to, whether it's an unreasonable or reasonable request - you said no.

She's an adult, let her deal with it.

To your DH you simply smile and say - I said no. That's the end of it.

I think you are not being unreasonable about the bed sharing at all. I also think you are not being unreasonable about being worried about your lack of trust for MIL upholding your wishes.
I wouldn't correlate this with you not being OK with sleepovers in general because it doesn't sound like you have a problem with sleepovers in general.. you habe legitimate specific concerns.
I would never say I have a problem with sleepovers but I would not be happy with the set up you describe either!!
Kids of different genders should not be sharing beds, particularly over the age of about 5.
It's totally normal to have boundaries regarding the context of sleepovers your child does. I don't think that's just coloured by your own negative childhood experiences.. I think most people would feel as you do about this!
You can't let your kids have sleepovers with people you don't trust to keep their word regarding what you've asked of them.

Your children, your rules and MIL can want what she wants but doesn’t mean she gets it. Stand your ground, I wouldn’t be happy with the bed sharing arrangements either and I totally understand why you feel that way. Your DH needs to support you and respect his wife’s choices.

Absolutely. It's really not good that he's not backing her up on this. If I were the OP I would show him this thread.

A sleepover is big business. Its important to stay safe and only do this with someone you completely trust.

Agree, I would show him this thread too!

Er, no??

Sleeping with some random cousin, no thanks

I don't think you need to apologise for not letting your daughter stay overnight in a house where you don't know all the people and you aren't happy with the sleeping arrangements.

What do we all think of people who shrug and laugh "oh you'll be fine"? She probably would be fine, the cousin is probably fine, your MIL is probably a harmless ignoramus, but that isn't the point. There is nothing unreasonable in wanting positive confidence that your daughter is in a secure, appropriate environment.

Smile graciously and stick to your guns. DD will be staying where you decide.

Also, she's eight. Eight is quite old enough not to be expected to share a bed with a person of the opposite sex.

No way would I let my dd who is 8 so same age as your dd .,sleep in a bed /bedroom alone with a 10yr boy - family or not

Thanks all for the responses, I’ll update how it goes on Saturday when she tries to tell me she’s sleeping over again 🙃

You don't need a reason. It's a boundary you have decided to put in place and that's it.

There is absolutely no way I would allow my daughter a sleepover with people she doesn't know well and absolutely never without another friend of her age there.