To be obsessing about third baby at 41?

[MsPossibly]

Is it hormones? I can't think about anything else. DD is 8 DS is nearly 6 so there'd be a massive age gap.

Financially we could do it. House-wise and marriage could do it. I always thought I wanted 3 but for whatever reason haven't TTC in the last 5 years. Now it feels like I might regret it all my life. Do I just need to let these feelings pass and get back to enjoying my lovely kids at lovely ages, or do I give in to the madness?!

I had these feelings and had ds at 41 while dds were 7 and 9. It’s been the best decision we made for all of us as the older ones love him to bits.
If we hadn’t had the 3rd I would have spent the rest of my life wondering what if, he definitely completed our family.

Give in to the madness. You want another baby and you can afford it. Just stop taking contraception and see what happens. If it never happens, you know you gave it a chance.

Obviously, don’t stop contraception without letting your DH know!

I had a surprise third child at 41.5 years old. The age gap is 7 and 5 years. She is amazing and has made me really appreciate the early years again. She didn’t take me away from the older two then. But now they are 7, 13 and 15 it’s very difficult to do days out that everyone enjoys. Life is also harder, more expensive and more tiring than with two. I have no regrets about her, however if someone aged 41 with two kids asked me should they have another one I’d probably say no!

I am 39 and having similar thoughts. I am worried about being haunted by regret.

Do it! My friend tiny bit younger just had her third a lovely boy and her two big kids love him so much and are so helpful

I’m 45, I didn’t try hard enough to persuade my husband to have a third, and I regret it deeply. I know I always will. Please go for it, OP! If you have always wanted a third child, then it’s not just your hormones talking. This is your last chance and you should take it.

Do it! I still have pangs for a third and also still carry regret, even though I know we made the right decision with sticking to two. It was definitely head versus heart and I went with head. But it is so hard!

What if it does? Regret is part of the human condition. Why is this particular regret seen as so unbearable?

In a similar thought process OP. Mine are 3-5 and couldn't TTC for a year, at which point I'll be 38 (and him 46).

I won’t deny that my 3 year long TTC journey was ABSOLUTELY shit (my previous two took 16 and 12 months respectively, but even so I wasn’t expecting to be in it for quite the long haul that I was), and the MCs put a proper downer on my wedding anniversaries those years (this year we spent our 14th anniversary having the MC confirmed in EPU), but my daughters pulled me through a lot of the tough times and were a great distraction. And seeing their excitement about being big sisters and DH joking about names and throwing himself into looking at 7 seater cars makes it all worth it! I have no illusions that it will be tough (I’ve never had a newborn whilst having to do the school run before!) but I’m looking forward to the challenge.

I know someone pregnant with their 10th. She's a fantastic mother. They are all well cared for and supported.

Go for it op :) x

Agree with all of this. It’s def your hormones and it will pass.

Nobody can say whether there will be regrets forever if you don't do it, or regrets if you do. All I can say is that I woke up one morning with the clear sense that I didn't want another baby, it was the menopause.
Talk to your husband again, reflect on your family and consider carefully all the possible outcomes
Good luck!

I had my 3rd at nearly 42, there’s a 16yr age gap between my first and third 😂 I’m now nearing 50 and I’m knackered plus youngest dc is “spirited”
no regrets but wish I’d tried a couple of years earlier. I’m in early peri so u do need to think about that too, good luck whatever u decide!

I wouldn’t risk it, primarily due to the level of risks (due to your and DH’s ages) of miscarriages, pregnancy/birth complications and/or DC3 having additional needs / health conditions.

Also don’t think the age gaps would be ideal. @DysmalRadius experience with 3 DC with the youngest after a large age gap sounds great. A friend had a different experience: her two elder DC (who had said they wanted another sibling) found it really difficult from the start, and this continued through to the elder DCs’ young adulthood.

My friend says it seems to do with the demands of parenting and (for the older DC) being in a house with a baby, toddler and so on, reducing her and her H’s resources for the older DC, which they resented. Her DC3 was well and an ‘easy’ DC too.

The idea that any DC will be ‘a team’ is wishful thinking. It’s uncertain how well DC of any ages will get on. That age gap could be more like being an only child for DC3.

If you are sure that you and your would both be happy with a third then I would say go ahead and try.

I ummed and ahhed for a while before having DD3 at 36, so a bit younger than you but not massively. I'm so glad we did. She's 23 now and great friends with her older sisters, who are 30 and 26.

Don't worry too much about the naysayers on here. Go for it if you want to, and if you think you would regret not doing.

The older ones are independent enough that they can go off together, we divide and conquer, or we stick her in a seat and all go together. I'm lucky that our friends have kids of all ages so everyone has someone to play with, but the bigger ones dote on her and include her in a lot of their stuff by choice.

I'm also a lot more chilled - the large-ish gap has give me perspective on the things that are worth stressing about so in that sense it is easier.

Also, one thing that I did think about a lot was that their childhoods (and the potential logistical challenges that go with it) are a relatively short time in terms of their lifetime relationships. They'll be adult siblings (hopefully) for way longer than they'll be kids so I wanted that for them all as well.

But you don't know that it's definitely hormones or that it will pass. Mumsnet told me the same when I asked should I have a third at 38. It wasn't. I yearned for that child, that person who I felt was missing from our lives. I always carried an ache that I wasn't finished habing children and once I had the third, everything felt complete and like the door to that part of my life was finished. Certain aspects of life such as wanting to have sex, falling in love, wanting a baby, bonding with your newborn are connected with chemicals firing around our body, yes, but we aren't just machines with different settings bleeping. These hormones exist within a context of real human emotion and inter-relational structures. Maybe there really is a very valid space in OP's family for a new child, and trying to make that a reality may be deeply important to her on a level beyond chemical reactions.

But you don't know that it's definitely hormones or that it will pass. Mumsnet told me the same when I asked should I have a third at 38. It wasn't. I yearned for that child, that person who I felt was missing from our lives. I always carried an ache that I wasn't finished habing children and once I had the third, everything felt complete and like the door to that part of my life was finished. Certain aspects of life such as wanting to have sex, falling in love, wanting a baby, bonding with your newborn are connected with chemicals firing around our body, yes, but we aren't just machines with different settings bleeping. These hormones exist within a context of real human emotion and inter-relational structures. Maybe there really is a very valid space in OP's family for a new child, and trying to make that a reality may be deeply important to her on a level beyond chemical reactions.

Does your husband want it? Would your kids be ok with another sibling?

I know. Answers to threads like these are so reactionary! It’s all “yes, it’s hormones, ignore!”, “what about abnormalities/disabilities!”, “what about when you’re in your sixties?” and people assuming that just because they wouldn’t want to means everyone who does is mad. I am already caring for a child with Down’s syndrome (born when I was 33 - that extra chromosome can pop up at any age…) so the “fear” of still having caring responsibilities as I hit 60 doesn’t phase me, as I will have those responsibilities regardless. To be perfectly honest, no I probably wouldn’t have chosen this at 43 in a perfect world (I was 39 when I miscarried our little surprise), but life and long TTC stints happen, and I’m overjoyed I’ve finally got here, and know enough 40+ parents to know I’m not alone.