Lack of bereavement support .

[Crosorbled]

To not understand why many friends and work colleagues fail to support you when you are very recently bereaved. Apologies if this is the wrong section, first time posting.

Perhaps they're wary of being intrusive? What kind of support are you thinking of?

AIBU is not a place for a gentle discussing. You will get kinder replies if you ask MN to move this to the bereavement board.

Sorry for your loss.

I think the biggest problem around bereavement is people just don’t know what to say or do.

They don’t want to ‘upset you’ so they do nothing.

reach out to- tell people what you need. Close friends and family I’m sure will be glad to help but do often they just don’t know how.

Take care.

I’m sorry you aren’t getting the support you want from friends and colleagues, I worked with men, who sadly, hadn’t dealt with bereavement themselves so didn’t help me at all when I lost close family. Hopefully posting here will get you support, if you want to talk about it.

@Crosorbled

I am sorry for your loss. It sounds recent.

Have you sought out support from your GP / a counselling service / bereavement charity?

I think bereavement is a very personal matter and so it is unrealistic to expect colleagues to support you with that. Not because they are horrible people - just because it is an unrealistic expectation.

A lot of people can be very awkward / uncomfortable around death.

I also found that until you have actually experienced a bereavement yourself, you probably have not developed that particular depth of empathy / experience.

I am sorry again for your loss.

I am sorry for your loss. I am sure you will get support on here.

Having had multiple bereavements in recent years I totally agree with you.
I lost a grandchild soon after birth and very few mentioned it, it really has been hurtful.People struggle with dealing with the bereaved generally and the work setting seems to complicate it.

Friends perhaps but it’s not up to colleagues to provide support. I’m so sorry for your loss. Look for bereavement counselling or support groups perhaps.

I think it can be tricky in the workplace - colleagues often don't broach the subject as they don't want to upset you. There's still a stigma about getting upset at work and not being 'professional'. Your friends should definitely be supporting you though. I'm sorry for your loss 💐

Because they don't want to make things awkward for you/push boundaries/put you on the spot and might think that now you are back at work you are ready to concentrate and be publicly and professionally 'back to normal'.

It of course depends what kind of support you mean, whether it was initiated by you, your relationship with them, etc. But people would be hesitant out of consideration, usually, not out of lack of care.

I'm going through the same as you and do agree with you to some extent

In the first few weeks of bereavement, there's lots of support and help. But that does tend to drift away after a few months. I don't think it's because people don't care. I just think they have to carry on with their lives and in some cases, aren't always certain whether saying something it's the right thing to do.

How long ago was the bereavement?

I think everyone needs something different, which makes it hard. For me, I didn’t want people to bring my loss up at work. I just needed to get on.

Because in England we are rubbish at talking about death! (speak from experience- DH)
People will say nothing or say the wrong thing
But I would agree that at work it’s a bit more difficult- I wouldn’t have expected my colleagues to offer a lot of support- in fact the best thing they could have done is be ‘normal’ with me

These are all examples of employer support it's perfectly reasonable to expect:

https://www.sueryder.org/grief-support/what-to-do-when-someone-dies/money-and-work-after-a-bereavement/employer-bereavement-support/

I think grief is such a personal thing that support is very much an individual thing that needs to be tailored to the person.

DH just lost his mother and I’ve noticed how differently his siblings are grieving.

With one of them there are very precise unwritten rules around how everyone needs to behave around grieving and how everyone needs to behave towards her and how everyone must grieve in a certain specific “right” way including her siblings - they are not getting it right for her at all and that causes a lot of arguments, friction and distance with her. She genuinely does not seem to realise that her grieving siblings do not have the emotional capacity to meet these very prescriptive ways of being, it is very isolating for her.

Another sibling is very clear on her process, has a good understanding that it is unique/separate process and seeks support by being very clear on what she needs and then is discussing how she is feeling and asking for time to meet up and speak about it, she is also respectful of a need to be flexible around when that time can be and if it needs to be shifted around because people have their own stuff going on.

DH for the first time ever in his family dynamic ls does not have the emotional capacity to step in to save his siblings from how they are feeling which is a long standing family dynamic set up in their family that he never sought out. During this very sad time and he has found himself needing to pull back a bit to process his own grief.

From time to time he needs to sit looking at photos and memories of his mother and sit with the grief and at other times he needs to step out of the grief and do normal family activities.

It is incredibly difficult for outsiders to know what support a person needs unless they are asking for that support themselves as grief is unique and even if a person is clear that doesn’t mean that it is possible to give them the level of support they need.

Sometimes that has to come from professionals who are more able to meet a person where they are at.

My mother has recently died and I’ve just been completely amazed at the number of reasonably close friends who haven’t messaged or said anything to me about it all (they all know). Equally I’ve had some absolutely wonderful letters from people who have surprised me.

I just cannot imagine expressing my sorrow to someone I know who has sugceeed a bereavement.

What do you want them to do? Everyone is different so you have to communicate to people what they can do to support you because another person would think it wasn’t appropriate for them. Always best to let the bereaved person take the lead. A friend has just lost their spouse and he wants contact from friends but also to talk about other things to distract him, this isn’t another person’s choice

Thank you for your very kind responses .

My sister died suddenly a few months ago . Most work colleagues and friends did not ask how I was and I have had to initiate contact with many of them . I feel I have very good relationships with them and support them in time of need . I felt very disappointed and hurt . I tried counselling, but was told it should not take place until 6- 12 months after bereavement.
I was just trying to understand why friends did not even send a simple message , that would have been appreciated .
Your responses have been really helpful in helping me to understand people’s feelings around bereavement.

My bereavement, counselling, started six months after the death of my partner.
I do feel this was probably helpful as my emotions had settled quite a bit and I was able to think about moving.

I came into work while waiting for my elderly parent to die. I organised their death plan, and we had a sibling rota. We all gathered for the last moments. The death happened to be on my day off. A much younger report's grandfather had died. They took a whole month off. I had to chase up cover for them and organise continuity, while dealing with funeral arrangements.

How we respond to a bereavement is such a personal thing. I really don’t think it’s a case of colleagues not caring, they just won’t know what to say to be helpful. Because some people don’t want to discuss it at work, they may want to take the lead from you to avoid overstepping boundaries.
Sone people return to work for the normality and structure. So discussing a bereavement can be counterproductive.
It’s also your workplace so not really the place for detailed conversations (I mean this in the kindest way). Try and be explicit about what you need and your friends should be the ones who you turn to for more support.
Also bereavement counselling is always from 6-12 months. You have to process the initial emotions first before you’re ready to open up and move forward. If you want to talk more, Samaritans are always a good and confidential option.

The support I received from friends, family and colleagues when my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and then died very quickly, was overwhelming. I'm sorry you haven't experienced the same and I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️.

I did find bereavement counselling helpful and it was through the local cancer charity.

I lost so many friends when my husband died. Looking back I was unable to be a good friend to others at the time so that may have played a part. But it still felt absolutely brutal. One friend who completely cut me out of her life was my bridesmaid and it still hurts 7 years after my husband's death.

I think a lot of people don't know what to do and I remember a spate of clickbait type articles on "what not to say to people who...." which I think made people feel even less confident talking to people in such situations. It's better for people to try to help even if they miss the mark.

What do you want them to do op?