Lack of bereavement support .

[Crosorbled]

To not understand why many friends and work colleagues fail to support you when you are very recently bereaved. Apologies if this is the wrong section, first time posting.

I feel like a part of me was taken away, can't focus on anything like cleaning or looking for work as I'm unemployed, I left my old job to look after my mum 😥

I think it’s hard because people don’t want to over step or say the wrong thing. Also if people have not experienced certain loss like loss of a parent or child they can not ever understand the impact. And those who have often distance themselves to protect themselves from being engulfed in their own grief

Sorry to hear you’re struggling Forlilacshaker.

Yes I've struggling every day unable to focus on anything 😥

To be honest my family seemed to be carrying on their own life's, like nothing happened to be honest, 😥

I think it's difficult because people want different kinds of support during the grieving process. Some want to talk about it, others prefer not to have it brought up to avoid the emotions of it. Some people want to offer support but don't want to intrude, others just don't know what to say or do, others distance themselves because of their own losses and how your loss triggers memories of theirs.

There's generally an understanding that bereavement comes with secondary losses, the loss of friendships and people from your life who walk away or prove not to be friends at all. In my experience though, it often brings new people in who prove to be true friends. It can be surprising who falls into which category.

I do think people sending a message to you would have been the least they could do but who knows why they didn't? I usually try not to make assumptions about why people do what they do and just lean into those who have shown they are there.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Some people are selfish and don’t want to potentially offer themselves up to be the ‘shoulder to cry on’ (not that you expect it by the way, I’m speaking from personal experience) - people don’t want to be ‘inconvenienced’ as cruel as that is.

You will get through this, and you’ll remember the lack of support should they ever met with tragedy!

Thank you Crosorbled😌

I'm very sorry about your DSis.
Bereavement can be extremely lonely.
Fine and understandable that people may need different things but you'd think that a minimum would be a simple 'Sorry for your loss / sorry about your sister - I'm happy to listen if you would like to talk / how are you coping etc.' This is enough to open the door in case you want to talk, and if you turn out to be the type of person who prefers distraction to emoting, it doesn't lay it on too thick either. I think it's very poor that people can't even manage the bare minimum of expressing condolences.
I had counselling immediately after a bereavement - I absolutely needed to talk while in the depth of the grief. I don't understand having to wait for bereavement counselling. If it would help you, I would seek out another kind of counsellor.

Workmates are generally not counsellors and people at work are not our friends.

And even among our friends, many do not have the emotional capacity to counsel someone or hold space for someone who releases traumatic information to them.

So people often do not ask how someone is for that very reason - they cannot deal with it, do not know how to handle it or simply do not want to discuss it and do NOT wish to open the door to the other person discussing their feeelings.

They can have extremely good reasons for not wanting to do this.

It can also just be that they don't know what to say.

I have mental health/counselling training and experience and will always ask someone if they are ok, offer a kind word if they look stressed/down or I have heard they have had bad news - because I know how that my training means I am unlikely to make a massive misstep and I know what resources to search for and how to do it if the person needs more help than my shoulder.

But I always tell other people NOT TO DO THIS if they are not sure they can cope with it.

If a co worker asks how someone is doing and they start to tell them something raw, or real it can quickly become extremely distressing to the person who only wanted to be kind. Shutting down a grief stricken person because you cannot deal with their pain is actually more traumatic to the person than just not asking them anything in the first place.

Not to mention, grief can make people unreasonable and selfish - which is entirely and completely understandable and normal - HOWEVER the person without counselling/grief counselling training might react badly to comments the grieving person makes too.

If in doubt, say nothing is far better than saying the wrong thing or having someone trauma dump on the wrong person.

I do think it is reasonable to expect a "Sorry for your loss" from co workers - but though it is reasonable to expect it, many won't give it anyway and though some are being selfish, many have very good reasons. You do not know what they are going through either.

I should have said this earlier - I am sorry for your loss. Please contact a counsellor to help support you through this enormous loss.

I never ask people how they are doing following a bereavement. It's kind of a stupid question. I do ask how they are going with everything they've been dealing with lately. I just feel stupid asking, "How are you>" Well, duh, how you do think they are? That's not to say there aren't other ways to ask that are more insightful to their circumstances, but a lot of people don't know how to do that.