Lack of bereavement support .

[Crosorbled]

To not understand why many friends and work colleagues fail to support you when you are very recently bereaved. Apologies if this is the wrong section, first time posting.

People tend to shy away from death, it's an uncomfortable subject for many.
Having experienced several devastating losses, deaths, l tend to say to people" It must be very difficult for you, and I'm here if ever you want to talk"
I also make a point of keeping in touch because l can remember how alone l felt in my grief.
I am very sorry for your loss.
I also found bereavement forums, podcasts and books helpful.

A lot of people have not experienced much death and and I think they honestly feel awkward about mentioning it.

I lost my mum at 16 and my brother at 21 so I know how valued contact and expressions of sympatht are. I always send bereaved friends a message and a card and offer practical help if needed.

Well in the nicest way possible no you chose to do that, you could have been off as well? Is that what you needed, more time off? Perhaps one to explore, why you did that and how that’s showing as resentment.

What you’re describing is hurtful. I’m sorry that you’ve had that experience with friends and colleagues. It’s particularly poor from friends.

I tried counselling, but was told it should not take place until 6- 12 months after bereavement.

I have a friend who works as a bereavement counsellor and I know that is the approach her organisation take. The rationale as she described it is that grief is a normal and natural process and as such, it's a normal and perhaps even necessary stage of grieving to feel utterly shit for weeks/months after a death. They would only take referrals where a person is in crisis.

I'm sorry your colleagues and friends weren't sympathetic or even vaguely solicitous. I lost a close family member in quite traumatic circumstances nearly a decade ago and didn't have really have anyone checking in with me after the funeral. I'm not sure how I would have felt about people raising the matter in a work related setting. For me, work was a bit of an escape and I was glad to have somewhere I could go and not talk/think about it.

@Crosorbled I am very sorry for the loss of your sister.

💐

My sister died suddenly too.

Am here if you ever want to PM.

I took what I needed and was fine. However the junior took more than was allowed in policy, but I had seniors who buckled and let them. This left us underfunded and too short-staffed to be able to support other staff who were having difficulties. I would have given them the time off, but limited the paid time to the actual policy limits (two days bereavement and whatever annual leave they had left). They would have then had to negotiate unpaid leave or gone off sick, which would have left us properly resourced.

I'm sorry. When my sibling died I found similar from people, yet when my parents died some of the same people were amazingly supportive and compassionate. I felt disappointed and hurt too by people's reactions in the aftermath of my sibling's death.

I've heard other people say similar about sibling bereavement - that people just seem unable to understand it or expect you not to be grieving.

The bereavement board on here is a supportive place. Marie Curie also offer a telephone bereavement support service - it's not counselling, but it might give you a space to talk and feel supported, especially as you're not able to access counselling yet. www.mariecurie.org.uk/services/bereavement-support-service

Have you tried contacting CRUSE OP? (Sorry if this has already been suggested, not read the full thread).

They would be afraid of a miss-step, they're not counsellors, they don''t want to have to deal with your pain as they have their own lives and sorrows, they find the subject distressing - there are lots of reasons.

Work colleagues don't owe you anything, they just want to get on with their job. Sometimes people do make the mistake of thinking work colleagues are their friends, but it's rarely the case.

Friends should send a sympathetic message and ask if there is anything they can do.

I agree with others, it used to be that polite conversation didn't involve sex, religion or politics but know I think the only real taboo is death.

Grieving is so individual, people don't want to offend. I was reading about a woman grieving her husband (40s accident) and she listed things not to say. She particularly hated people who said 'Tell me if you need anything?' because she said she didn't know what she needed and it was said to make them feel better not her. And 'Please accept my condolences' because it was generic, box ticking and didn't mean anything.

It's not that people don't care, I thinks it's more that people don't know how to act or what to say.

My mum died 6 months ago, the first weeks I thought I would cope but after 4 months the emotions got on top of me, I lived with my mum my whole life because she was scared of being on her own, I miss her so much, I'm 49 years old and no children or husband, my family carry on as normal, I feel like they are cold hearted because they never want to talk about how much they miss mum,

@ForLilacShaker

I am so sorry for your loss. You can talk about your mum here if you would like to.

💐

Broke my heart, thank you for understanding 😊

I have a colleague who was widowed young and she made it clear that she didn't want us to mention it at work as she didn't want to get emotional. Work was her "professional space" where she was dealing with people ("customers") who didn't know her personal circumstances and she wanted to keep it that way in order to be able to function. A word from one of us might have tipped her over the edge and led to her "losing it" which she was trying to avoid.
Sorry for your loss.

Sorry you’re going through a rough time. I think it depends what kind of support you need or are hoping for from colleagues. I took a few weeks off after a sudden bereavement, but my CEO, Deputy and two of the SLT had also had similarly sudden losses so were very understanding. When I did go back to work it was full on but I realised it took about 10 months to feel my brain was switched back on. Is it that you’re seeking emotional support from colleagues - which they are unlikely to be able to provide - or understanding of how hard it is to get back into work?

I lost my DH suddenly. I could only cope at work by not thinking about it. I had to call someone a few days after and he (he’s met my DH a few times) asked his he was and while I was perfectly all business before he asked I just couldn’t speak and cried when he asked. So I’d rather my colleagues, after initial acknowledgment, just carried in as usual. Friends similar actually. I had a long planned lunch reunion with four of five friends and I told them please do not cancel. I needed something to take my mind off it. I didn’t, at that raw time, want to go over it all. I had small children at the time and could only hold it together in public if the subject was avoided. After a few months I was able to talk about it but certainly didn’t want to talk about it at work.

My sister received a terminal diagnosis 5 weeks prior to her death . I carried on working , so it was also during that time that I would have appreciated support from work colleagues / friends . A few supported me , but I can see that others may have been uncomfortable and not sure what to do or say .
I feel sad for all of you on here who have experienced similar and felt isolated. It can be a lonely time.

I'm so sorry. I think there are lots of things that your employer could have done to make you feel more supported and less lonely through that period and since your sister died.

People who haven't experienced a situation like that just can't even begin to understand how it affects someone or how traumatic it can be. So some of the non-reaction may also have been people who just didn't get it at all and thought it was like in films where there was some temporary sadness and then jollity and bucket lists.

Some people do want work to continue like nothing has happened and that's their choice, but not everyone is the same and line managers should talk to the person and do what's right for them instead of assuming. There's absolutely nothing wrong with needing or asking for support from work if you're not a "pretend everything is fine" person.

The pain does get easier to carry in time. 💐

And often other people are dealing with their own tragedies and worries and simply do not have the capacity or the training to hold space for other people's grief. Don't expect this from your co workers as they are not your friends.

Expect kind messages and maybe offers of cooked meals from friends, or something similar practically, but if they don't offer it is often just that they do not know what to say or do.

People have a way of thinking they will make things worse if they bring up the death, not realising that the silence is often worse for the grieving person.

And of course it's ok to see a counsellor to discuss how you are feeling right now, of course you don't have to wait six months. Yes, that is often the suggestion, but it's not right for everyone.

I would definitely approach a grief counsellor and say you know it's not 6 months yet but you need support now. A counsellor who does not respond positively and offer you a session where you can at least discuss this after hearing that is not a counsellor you want in your life anyway.

I am very sorry for your loss OP.
Please phone the Samaritans for support 24/7

As my username suggests I also lost my sister and it was sudden. She had a stroke, was recovering then ten days later had a second stroke and died. So I completely understand what you have been going through.

And awful as it sounds I think the suddenness does make it different, not worse but definitely different to someone who has seen their elderly grandparent decline over years.

I was really surprised at the people who stepped up and those who didn't, it was an eye-opener.

That said, I had never been through a close bereavement before and had no idea how hard it would hit me. I suddenly had a new understanding of what friends had been though and even apologised to one good friend that I could have been a better friend to her during her bereavements. As she said, you're now in a club that nobody wants to be in, and that meant I suddenly got it.

Again, with siblings I think people really don't get it. This is someone that all of your childhood was with, your memories of them are so integral to your life. My parents must have got about 40 sympathy cards, I got 4 or 5 which included one from my parents' cleaner!

I had some counselling 4 or 5 months later but it wasn't bereavement counselling, more that there were a lot of things going on in life at that time and I was overwhelmed. It's now 18 months later and at the moment I don't feel I need bereavement counselling but wouldn't shut the door on it entirely.

I'm so sorry for your loss, take care of yourself

Thank you. You all for understanding, I never thought it would be this hard, I just wish my family were more understanding 😔

It’s often the most random people who can be unexpectedly supportive , like a man who swims regularly at my local sports centre. He regularly asked me how my sister was while she was dying & offered to go for a coffee and listen to me talking further about my sister. He’s always positive and upbeat and is friendly to everyone . I didn’t accept , but appreciated the offer.
I guess this experience has made me think more about those who are dealing with ill relatives or friends / grieving & to ensure I offer support if possible.

I would love to have someone to talk to, it's nice that you all understand 😥