AIBU - being overly generous can become rude?

[HappyMamma2023]

We've just had a family holiday away. Me, husband, toddler, Mum, my brother and BIL. My Mum offered to pay for the accomadation out of some inheritance from our Dad who passed away a few months ago. It was a very nice cottage.

It was a lovely holiday except BIL refused to share the cost of things and insisted on paying for everything himself.

Eg. BIL did a large supermarket shop over £100 and refused us paying half. At a family meal out BIL jumped up before the meal had ended and paid for us all even though we'd agreed beforehand we would pay this time as a thank you to Mum. Again at the chippy BIL tried to pay for us all over £40 and then got in a huff when my husband declined and said we'd pay for ourselves.

It seems like a silly thing to be arguing about but we are more than happy to pay our share and he seemd to huff and puff putting the shopping away or after the meal and said to my brother we weren't being grateful despite refusing any contribution.

This was our only holiday and it was spoilt a bit with BIL sulking and being quiet. Brother and BIL have another holiday planned.

YABU - just be glad you've saved some money
YANBU - it is rude to constantly refuse to share the cost of things

I’d be incredibly grateful and he wants to offer so he feels he’s helped out

We had family members that never ever let us pay, to the extent of sneaking off and paying the bill secretly.

They meant to be generous but it felt patronising.

We ended up going out to dinner with them less than we would have otherwise.

You think he was rude to want to pay? Interesting take on someone’s (supposed?) generosity. I think he was rude to sulk, I mean, get over it! Does he have more disposable income or wanted to treat you? Would he expect you to pay next time?

Yes, it's the getting huffy, or regularly secretly paying that's rude/patronising rather than the offering to pay.

Some people are inclined to be over generous just as childhood conditioning (I am) - but if someone says no they say no.

Given he was sulking he's being controlling and rude.

I couldn't ever see generosity as rude. But did he really act in a huff and be genuinely pissed that you and your husband paid for that thing? That part is rude and weird.

Yes. He told my brother we were ungrateful he offered to pay for the chippy. And that we were ungrateful he paid for shopping and meal despite us offering to go halves. And we did say thank you after.

I think you've summed it up well. It seemed patronising.
My BIL does earn more than us, but we are definitely not struggling to pay for things and want to pay our way and didn't expect him to pay for so many things.
It seemed to reduce our enjoyment because we felt like we owed him the entire holiday.

Yes it felt a bit controlling. It made us feel like we owed him money the entire holiday especially when he said he thought we were ungrateful.

Absolutely there are people who do it as a power move. It’s about one upping everyone and making them feel small and themselves big. Only you know if your sister and him decided they wanted to cover these costs to say thank you to your mum for her generosity in booking the holiday, or if it was a dick wagging exercise.

I have family (my side) who are very much like this, all very Mr Big Dick about paying and then make comments about everyone else’s ability to pay. My stepdad even gave me his credit card details once “just in case” I needed them to buy my mum a birthday present. I was a 40 year old professional woman with plenty of money, who could buy my mum whatever I wanted. 🙄 But some people like to think very highly of themselves.

Now dh’s family 😂 gosh, I wish someone would put their hand in their pocket. We do all the hosting. All the buying of food and drink. A whole house full at Christmas, for a week. Every occasion happens at our house. I can remember one time, 3 years ago, when BIL bought us a round of drinks to say thank you. That may or may not have been the year they contributed 2 bags of crisps to the food for the week for 7 of us.

Are they British OP?

In some cultures this is the norm
so could be that or be could just want to pay his way

Is he Irish? Iv literally seen fights over people beyond to pay the whole bill?

Sometimes if people earn quite a lot more or have a lot more money it can feel uncomfortable splitting it.
I very often pay or pay more if I’m out with my close friend who’s struggling for money. I just want it to be one less thing she has to find the money for and I love her company, enjoy the time together and want to pay.

Did you split the fish and chips or did you pay for it all?
Because I'd be annoyed if someone insisted on splitting a fish and chips I'd offered to pay for. Did you pay for your mums share?

It's either one of two options in these situations (providing you put up a reasonable protest"

1. they are being kind and generous. Fine feel free
2. it's a bit patronising, in which case more fool them I'll enjoy my free fish and chips 🤷🏼‍♀️

I get both sides. You feel uncomfortable that he's made you feel indebted to him. He wanted to do a nice thing and felt like it wasn't appreciated. Is he generally reasonable ? If so a good talk may be enough to fix the awkwardness.

Preposterous he could say offering to pay your own way is being ungrateful. It's the opposite.

If someone offers you something and you can afford it yourself, the default should be 'oh no, don't worry, I'll get it.' Or 'oh no, you got the shopping so it's our turn'.

So yeah he's a knob end.

Money is such an emotive issue and I can totally see why you are pissed off. If he’s doing it to be the “big man” and expects fawning gratitude and thanks, when you don’t even want him to pay, that’s not nice and honestly? A bit odd of him!
On the other side of this though is mine and DHs families - both sides. We would both need a lie down if either side ever offered to pay for anything 🤣🤣🤣

We're British and BIL is Spanish

He's Spanish

It was an outside food hall type place and Mum got herself a panini.
The fish & chips total was for 4 adults, our toddler and 2 kids our young cousins (not related to BIL). We paid for our meals and the cousins. It would have been over £40 all together but it was cheaper paying for ours and brother and BIL paying for themselves.
Admittedly we should have offered to buy Mum's lunch.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. Perhaps if he didn't want to go halves on things we could have taken turns with him paying one day and us another, but he was insisting to pay for everything even though we can afford it. Made us feel like we owed him the whole holiday.

I do exactly the same. It feels so weird to me that anyone wouldn’t just say thank you.

I actually hate it when people offer to buy things and don't take no as an answer. I find it really awkward. Obviously it's all circumstantial and is great fully accepted but sometimes it feels like you are being forced into accepting it wether you want to or not. Also it makes you feel like you can't pay your way or people feel you can't.

Edited to add -

If me and my friends or family go out, maybe I'll pay for transport, someone else will pay for the first drink. Or family will treat us to a takeaway or vice versa so it's not that we don't accept it. It's just sometimes it's forced and feels very uncomfortable

I had a friend who dod this and, whilst initially viewing it as kind and generous, it did become annoying. the group dynamics became unbalanced as people felt like they owed Mr Generous. The same friend would often comment on the earnings of people in the group during 1 on 1 chats eg - "we need to cover xx's meal because they only earn min wage." Or he'd buy all drinks on a night out, we'd then feel obliged to drink according to his pace (he'd constantly show up at the table with rounds of drinks and shots) I used to feel guilty refusing them!

He was a genuinely lovely guy and had no idea how insulted or pressured our mutual friends felt when he insisted on paying. It was just his way. Meanwhile the others would chat amongst themselves about how annoyed they were not to be "allowed" to pay. It got very awkward and eventually - after we gently spoke to him about it - the generous guy has drifted apart from the rest of the group because he couldn't understand why we weren't just grateful. Such a shame.

But if he was happy to keep paying they didn't owe him did they?
If he was a genuinely lovely guy it's a shame you couldn't just accept it.

But you didn't pay for his fish and chips so how can you say you felt you owed him?

He probably felt awkward, he's on a free holiday at your mother's expense, you have DC and they dont, he earns more than you. I would feel awkward splitting a £40 fish and chips with family anyway, let alone on a free holiday