Page 2 | AIBU - being overly generous can become rude?

HappyMamma2023 · 2025-08-30T12:52:48+00:00

We've just had a family holiday away. Me, husband, toddler, Mum, my brother and BIL. My Mum offered to pay for the accomadation out of some inheritance from our Dad who passed away a few months ago. It was a very nice cottage. It was a lovely holiday except BIL refused to share the cost of things and insisted on paying for everything himself. Eg. BIL did a large supermarket shop over £100 and refused us paying half. At a family meal out BIL jumped up before the meal had ended and paid for us all even though we'd agreed beforehand we would pay this time as a thank you to Mum. Again at the chippy BIL tried to pay for us all over £40 and then got in a huff when my husband declined and said we'd pay for ourselves. It seems like a silly thing to be arguing about but we are more than happy to pay our share and he seemd to huff and puff putting the shopping away or after the meal and said to my brother we weren't being grateful despite refusing any contribution. This was our only holiday and it was spoilt a bit with BIL sulking and being quiet. Brother and BIL have another holiday planned. YABU - just be glad you've saved some money YANBU - it is rude to constantly refuse to share the cost of things

ChiliFiend · 31/08/2025 00:24

I think everyone who says you are being unreasonable has not experienced this in the context you describe. I have - once - and it felt like a power grab; like the person wanted us to feel indebted to him. Of course it's lovely to offer to pay but you should also sense when your companions would prefer to pay once they feel accepting any more would be taking the piss. The fact he was sulking is very telling that it was a power/status thing rather than pure generosity.

Brandyb · 31/08/2025 00:36

mindutopia · 30/08/2025 15:49

Absolutely there are people who do it as a power move. It’s about one upping everyone and making them feel small and themselves big. Only you know if your sister and him decided they wanted to cover these costs to say thank you to your mum for her generosity in booking the holiday, or if it was a dick wagging exercise.

I have family (my side) who are very much like this, all very Mr Big Dick about paying and then make comments about everyone else’s ability to pay. My stepdad even gave me his credit card details once “just in case” I needed them to buy my mum a birthday present. I was a 40 year old professional woman with plenty of money, who could buy my mum whatever I wanted. 🙄 But some people like to think very highly of themselves.

Now dh’s family 😂 gosh, I wish someone would put their hand in their pocket. We do all the hosting. All the buying of food and drink. A whole house full at Christmas, for a week. Every occasion happens at our house. I can remember one time, 3 years ago, when BIL bought us a round of drinks to say thank you. That may or may not have been the year they contributed 2 bags of crisps to the food for the week for 7 of us.

Edited

This is a great point.

It does seem to be a power play, why not just offer and then be gracious if not accepted. BUT. It's actually a much more acute dilemma when you find yourself constantly hosting with no offer to share expenses.

I'd accept at times and then others say, "no, it's our turn" and see what happens. If he doesn't accept, that's getting trying. It's not his holiday to bestow upon you, it's a joint venture with your mum that he's a guest of, and you want to hold some of the reins.

DeathStare · 31/08/2025 04:51

HappyMamma2023 · 30/08/2025 22:48

It was an outside food hall type place and Mum got herself a panini.
The fish & chips total was for 4 adults, our toddler and 2 kids our young cousins (not related to BIL). We paid for our meals and the cousins. It would have been over £40 all together but it was cheaper paying for ours and brother and BIL paying for themselves.
Admittedly we should have offered to buy Mum's lunch.

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So at this point, your BIL had paid for a supermarket shop and a meal. He then offered to pay for fish and chips, and you insisted on paying but not for him and his husband?

If I've understood that right, I think you were unbelievably rude. Either graciously accept his offer to pay for everyone getting fish and chips or you pay for everyone. Paying for everyone except him and his husband- after he had paid for stuff twice - was really rude and a real snub. In his shoes I'd have thought you were ungrateful too - and it's not about expecting swooning thanks, but paying for everyone getting fish and chips except him and his husband? Just no.

SpiritAdder · 31/08/2025 05:02

Where was this holiday?

He was just doing the Spanish hospitality. Your reactions of no, no, we can pay our own would be considered rude and a message to BIL that he isn’t part of the family but a barely tolerated interloper. You didn’t say no, no we can pay towards the cottage to your mum did you? Or feel she “ruined” the entire holiday by paying for the cottage herself?

I cannot fathom how BIL “ruined” your holiday simply acting like any family member would.

I think youhave a chip on your shoulder about paying your own way and you don’t view BIL as a full family member. I also agree with death stare above that you were incredibly rude to not pay for their fish and chips.

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 31/08/2025 05:24

Admittedly we should have offered to buy Mum's lunch.

This jumps out a bit. Along with the fact that you didn't just offer to pay for BIL and DB's lunch - because of some small saving? Tbf I can imagine finding that sort of hesitancy/quibbling irritating when you're in the middle of a free holiday.

Blushingm · 31/08/2025 05:31

SpiritAdder · 31/08/2025 05:02

Where was this holiday?

He was just doing the Spanish hospitality. Your reactions of no, no, we can pay our own would be considered rude and a message to BIL that he isn’t part of the family but a barely tolerated interloper. You didn’t say no, no we can pay towards the cottage to your mum did you? Or feel she “ruined” the entire holiday by paying for the cottage herself?

I cannot fathom how BIL “ruined” your holiday simply acting like any family member would.

I think youhave a chip on your shoulder about paying your own way and you don’t view BIL as a full family member. I also agree with death stare above that you were incredibly rude to not pay for their fish and chips.

Edited

This

Blushingm · 31/08/2025 05:33

So he’d bought a full shop and a meal and offered to get the fish and chips……but you said ‘no we will get ours’. So you paid for your dc, dh and yourself but didn’t offered to get your DB and his DP or DM, just your own? Well I think you’re very rude.

Dancingspleen1 · 31/08/2025 05:49

HappyMamma2023 · 30/08/2025 22:48

It was an outside food hall type place and Mum got herself a panini.
The fish & chips total was for 4 adults, our toddler and 2 kids our young cousins (not related to BIL). We paid for our meals and the cousins. It would have been over £40 all together but it was cheaper paying for ours and brother and BIL paying for themselves.
Admittedly we should have offered to buy Mum's lunch.

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If I did a food shop on a holiday someone had kindly treated the family to there is no way I would expect people to split it and quibble about paying me back. I can understand why your BIL did this.

The update about the fish and chips scenario makes you sound a little petty quibbling about what you should pay for.
Your BIL had already paid for some stuff at this point and you didn't include his meal or even offer to pay for your Mums despite her paying for the holiday.

Ponoka7 · 31/08/2025 05:52

Blushingm · 31/08/2025 05:33

So he’d bought a full shop and a meal and offered to get the fish and chips……but you said ‘no we will get ours’. So you paid for your dc, dh and yourself but didn’t offered to get your DB and his DP or DM, just your own? Well I think you’re very rude.

He'd forced the situation of him buying the shop and the meal. Then wanted gratitude. If you aren't happy with someone paying, but they insist, you don't owe any gratitude. The OP has lost her Dad, the Mum has paid out of inheritance, that's a very different situation. The BIL has now caused awkwardness, when it could have been simple. He's wanted to play big bollocks. It sounds as though he couldn't take a back seat and appreciate what this holiday meant and the focus not being on him.

Dancingspleen1 · 31/08/2025 06:10

'He's wanted to play big bollocks. It sounds as though he couldn't take a back seat and appreciate what this holiday meant and the focus not being on him.'

Interesting take on it. Another is he's been invited on a free holiday and wants to show kindness and generosity to a grieving family. He's also Spanish which makes a difference.

ParmaVioletTea · 31/08/2025 06:14

As an in-law, not the son of your father, he probably wanted to show his gratitude to your mother for her generosity for the holiday.

You were being awkward and ungracious. It is a form of kindness and generosity to accept someone else’s generosity with a good grace.

Your reaction suggests you are defensive and touchy about your ability to pay. That’s your problem, not your BiL’s.

Original poster

HappyMamma2023 · 31/08/2025 08:18

SpiritAdder · 31/08/2025 05:02

Where was this holiday?

He was just doing the Spanish hospitality. Your reactions of no, no, we can pay our own would be considered rude and a message to BIL that he isn’t part of the family but a barely tolerated interloper. You didn’t say no, no we can pay towards the cottage to your mum did you? Or feel she “ruined” the entire holiday by paying for the cottage herself?

I cannot fathom how BIL “ruined” your holiday simply acting like any family member would.

I think youhave a chip on your shoulder about paying your own way and you don’t view BIL as a full family member. I also agree with death stare above that you were incredibly rude to not pay for their fish and chips.

Edited

I've not said this ruined our holiday, it was just one part of it which we wish had been different.
For what it's worth this was a British seasode homiday was BIL was a buest of like we were so no need for Spanish hospitality when he wasn't hosting.

OP posts:

Original poster

HappyMamma2023 · 31/08/2025 08:23

For those saying we were petty paying for our own fish and chips. The examples I've given the food shop and meal are just 2 of several occasions BIL insisted on paying and declined any contribution. By this point we didn't bother asking to pay for my brother and BIL's as there's only so many times you can say let us get this one and be declined. We felt at this point BIL had paid for so much it was easier just to pay ourselves instead of offering and it being rejected as we owed him so much already.

OP posts:

Pottedpalm · 31/08/2025 08:29

I would love to know where you got 4adult and several child portions of fish and chips for around 40!

Original poster

HappyMamma2023 · 31/08/2025 09:06

Pottedpalm · 31/08/2025 08:29

I would love to know where you got 4adult and several child portions of fish and chips for around 40!

Suffolk. Beautiful area for a family holiday, lovely countryside and the people are friendly.
It was 2 x fish and chips, brother had chips and curry, toddler and I shared some chips and the kids had a Happy Meal type mini sausage and chips.

OP posts:

pinotnow · 31/08/2025 09:19

For what it's worth this was a British seasode homiday was BIL was a buest of like we were so no need for Spanish hospitality when he wasn't hosting.

Assume 'buest' is 'guest'? Christ, I bet he is glad he married into your family...How embarrassing and what a poor account you're giving of British 'hospitality'.

pizzaHeart · 31/08/2025 09:32

I agree that unless you were on the receiving end you wouldn’t get how annoying it was. It completely destroys my enjoyment of doing things together. I like to pay for myself. I don’t want to owe or to be grateful to someone for something I can manage myself and I absolutely hate this feeling when you are frantically trying to think who should get the bill instead of quietly enjoying your cup of coffee.
And I absolutely get your complain about this being your main holiday. You often treat yourself on a holiday more than usual and he basically took away the quiet enjoyment of it.
Im not British by the way so I don’t think it’s entirely cultural.
BIL didn’t pay out of goodness of his heart - it was about showing off and wanting your gratitude. I blame your brother for this actually, he should gave his partner a friendly advice how to behave with his family.

Blushingm · 31/08/2025 09:32

Ponoka7 · 31/08/2025 05:52

He'd forced the situation of him buying the shop and the meal. Then wanted gratitude. If you aren't happy with someone paying, but they insist, you don't owe any gratitude. The OP has lost her Dad, the Mum has paid out of inheritance, that's a very different situation. The BIL has now caused awkwardness, when it could have been simple. He's wanted to play big bollocks. It sounds as though he couldn't take a back seat and appreciate what this holiday meant and the focus not being on him.

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No where does it say he expected huge amounts of gratitude

OP declined his offer and only paid for her own - she should’ve accepted his offer or paid for everyone’s…….its petty to just pay for a little bit. Mum paid for hols, bil paid for all shopping. Just pay for all the chips! Makes it awkward to make everyone split the bill - the bil, the mum and the chippy owner

Original poster

HappyMamma2023 · 31/08/2025 09:33

I'm surprised YABU is in the majority. Does no one think that BIL repeatedly refusing our offer to pay, alternate paying for things or at least go halves as rude? His generosity lost it's sheen with him being so bossy about paying for things and then going in a huff and saying we were ungrateful even though we said thank you.
He didn't need to show us Spanish hospitality as he wasn't hosting us, he was a guest invited like we were on a holiday arranged by Mum. Had we be in Spain I think the dynamics would have been different and we would have accepted him paying for more as he was hsoting, but we would still try and pay for some things to keep it even and show we appreciated it.

OP posts:

childofthe607080s · 31/08/2025 09:40

The correct thing is to say thank you and are you sure

his generosity lost its sheen because you seem determined to undermine it

Anywherebuthere · 31/08/2025 09:46

I know what you mean OP. Excessive generosity from people begins to feel like a burden. And you feel forcefully indebted to them even though you are perfectly capable of paying your way.

I'm always happy to host/pay for people but I wouldn't sulk and ruin it if they refused my offer.

Ponoka7 · 31/08/2025 10:27

@Blushingm the OP has said he was huffing and puffing about not getting enough gratitude. It should have been simple, Dad died, Mum decided to use inheritance for a family get-together, which is quite usual. Everyone chips in for their own food. One person, an in law, has spoilt it. It wasn't appropriate, it wasn't needed and it certainly wasn't wanted, he wanted to shift the focus on how great he was. The focus was being together after the OP's dad dying.

DiscoBob · 31/08/2025 10:29

HappyMamma2023 · 30/08/2025 22:53

I think you've hit the nail on the head. Perhaps if he didn't want to go halves on things we could have taken turns with him paying one day and us another, but he was insisting to pay for everything even though we can afford it. Made us feel like we owed him the whole holiday.

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Well that is not generosity. It's controlling and weird. What a fucking arse!

Ponoka7 · 31/08/2025 10:30

@childofthe607080s they did say thank you, but it wasn't enough.

BIossomtoes · 31/08/2025 10:31

DiscoBob · 31/08/2025 10:29

Well that is not generosity. It's controlling and weird. What a fucking arse!

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It’s only controlling if you let it be.