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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - being overly generous can become rude?

62 replies

HappyMamma2023 · 30/08/2025 13:52

We've just had a family holiday away. Me, husband, toddler, Mum, my brother and BIL. My Mum offered to pay for the accomadation out of some inheritance from our Dad who passed away a few months ago. It was a very nice cottage.

It was a lovely holiday except BIL refused to share the cost of things and insisted on paying for everything himself.

Eg. BIL did a large supermarket shop over £100 and refused us paying half. At a family meal out BIL jumped up before the meal had ended and paid for us all even though we'd agreed beforehand we would pay this time as a thank you to Mum. Again at the chippy BIL tried to pay for us all over £40 and then got in a huff when my husband declined and said we'd pay for ourselves.

It seems like a silly thing to be arguing about but we are more than happy to pay our share and he seemd to huff and puff putting the shopping away or after the meal and said to my brother we weren't being grateful despite refusing any contribution.

This was our only holiday and it was spoilt a bit with BIL sulking and being quiet. Brother and BIL have another holiday planned.

YABU - just be glad you've saved some money
YANBU - it is rude to constantly refuse to share the cost of things

OP posts:
LeafyLou · 31/08/2025 10:44

I would just automatically transfer money into his bank account as you only need a mobile number for this. Then you can say after transferring, “Thanks so much for paying but I’ve just transferred X money into your account to cover our share.”

ParmaVioletTea · 31/08/2025 10:49

The issue seems to be that you just don’t like him. You’re very defensive and judgemental. Accept with grace - you’re showing yourself up to be quite narrow minded and judgemental.

Original poster
HappyMamma2023 · 31/08/2025 11:11

LeafyLou · 31/08/2025 10:44

I would just automatically transfer money into his bank account as you only need a mobile number for this. Then you can say after transferring, “Thanks so much for paying but I’ve just transferred X money into your account to cover our share.”

I didn't know you could do this with a phone number. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyMamma2023 · 31/08/2025 11:28

ParmaVioletTea · 31/08/2025 10:49

The issue seems to be that you just don’t like him. You’re very defensive and judgemental. Accept with grace - you’re showing yourself up to be quite narrow minded and judgemental.

Am I being judgemental? Or just fed up at having our offers of paying alternatively or going halves declined repeatedly and then having a sulky BIL in a huff because we didn't say thank you enough? How many times should you say thank you for something?
I wouldn't say I'm narrow minded either. This was just one part of a holiday which we enjoyed and had some very happy memories.
Money became an issue whilst on previous holidays before BIL we've all chipped in as a family and it hasn't been a big deal.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 31/08/2025 11:51

Blushingm · 31/08/2025 05:33

So he’d bought a full shop and a meal and offered to get the fish and chips……but you said ‘no we will get ours’. So you paid for your dc, dh and yourself but didn’t offered to get your DB and his DP or DM, just your own? Well I think you’re very rude.

This.

It comes across a penny pinching. I know it isn't, OP, because you were trying to pay your way and not keep accepting his money, but there were better ways of going about it, it was badly done.

BIossomtoes · 31/08/2025 11:56

Maybe stop repeating the offers when you know full well they’ll be declined. You’ve made money an issue, not him.

pinotnow · 31/08/2025 12:03

I also think it's relevant to know how well you know him (apologies if I've missed this info) - does he always do this or is it your first trip with him? Is he pretty well off and would feel uncomfortable allowing others to pay for him, especially if you also have kids and he doesn't. Also, did you speak to your brother about it so he could perhaps have had a quiet word and said there's no need to pay for everything and Happy and her dh would like to get the next meal?

PoppyRoseBucky · 31/08/2025 12:04

Hm, I can, in a way, see why it would be a little overwhelming/much if someone keeps trying to pay for everything, despite being able to afford to pay your own way or contribute in an equal fashion.

However, I don't necessarily think of this as him being "rude" or "controlling" as some PP's have tried to claim it. I think it could be a cultural difference and it may be how he feels comfortable and like he's contributing towards a free holiday and showing gratitude.

I think some PP's and the OP are reading too much into it and too negatively rather than seeing it as generosity and kindness. That doesn't mean you have to necessarily accept it but I don't think it's fair to run around calling someone who may just be following cultural norms and trying to be generous "playing Billy Big Bollocks," etc.

I think it was rude of the OP to not pay for the fish and chips for everyone. Now that is rude.

Some people really don't enjoy quibbling over the bill or getting out calculators over who owes what, especially fi they feel they can afford to cover it. I'd take it in the spirt that it's intended and stop trying to read too much into it and put a negative spin on it.

It doesn't sound like he was lording it over everyone and using the fact that he'd paid to control or dictate the holiday in any way.

PinkArt · 31/08/2025 12:10

Where is your brother in all this? Why has anything reached the point where it's becoming an issue between his husband and his sister? Did your brother want it to be his families contribution to the holiday, or was BIL acting separately to him?
It sounds like the BIL just wanted to do a nice thing for his grieving extended family though. If I was the highest earner on a free holiday, I'd want to cover a lot of the day to day costs too as my way to contribute and say thank you. He should have stepped back when it became apparent this was causing an issue but it sounds like it came from a good place initially.

PinkArt · 31/08/2025 12:13

Where is your brother in all this? Why has anything reached the point where it's becoming an issue between his husband and his sister? Did your brother want it to be his families contribution to the holiday, or was BIL acting separately to him?
It sounds like the BIL just wanted to do a nice thing for his grieving extended family though. If I was the highest earner on a free holiday, I'd want to cover a lot of the day to day costs too as my way to contribute and say thank you. He should have stepped back when it became apparent this was causing an issue but it sounds like it came from a good place initially.

Kurkara · 31/08/2025 12:54

If I had my holiday accommodation paid for in full by my MiL I would feel indebted to her. And if I noticed that the family tradition of everyone chipping in meant she was paying on top of that for her own food and shopping I would absolutely start jumping in and paying for everyone before any bills could be split.
You not paying for your mum's panini sticks out to me. It's lovely that your BiL has paid for so many of her meals and supplies on this holiday that she generously gave you all.

RoverReturn · 31/08/2025 13:01

Sounds like the issue is that BIL wants to be profusely thanked forever more?

Annoying.

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