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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if I should get revenge anonymously?

84 replies

ClatterHatters · 30/08/2025 12:09

I posted on this site some months ago about some awful bullying that happened to me in secondary school. I’m glad I did because everyone was so supportive. 😊

One poster suggested I somehow get revenge on them anonymously. This is something I myself had thought about before I even posted on MN so this poster was hardly making a brand new suggestion to me as such.

However, whenever I’ve thought about getting revenge - in this day and age with everything so traceable etc - even an online anonymous message can to some extent be traceable - and CCTV everywhere etc. To be honest I’d have the hassle of constant worry that I was going to be caught if I instigated a vengeful act.

Also if I’m being honest - if I ever got found out it could look like I didn’t have a happy or successful life now if I was trying to get my own back with regard to a traumatic incident that happened to me decades ago.

AIBU to ask what others think ?

OP posts:
Tink3rbell30 · 30/08/2025 18:38

I get where you're coming from 100% as I always think why should people get away with treating people so badly? There should be consequences for them.

Maddy70 · 30/08/2025 18:41

Gosh. Why? You are reliving your bullying by even thinking about revenge. Move on. You're an adult now stop giving it headspace

Original poster
ClatterHatters · 30/08/2025 19:17

Boomer55 · 30/08/2025 16:53

The best revenge in anyone is to be happy abd lead a good life.

Forget your schooldays, and make your adult life as good as possible.

Ah thank you so true ❤️

OP posts:
CrowMate · 30/08/2025 19:23

You’d just be inviting them back into your life again, whether through occupying more of your head space or directly as a consequence.
Don't allow this to happen. Imagine how it would feel and impact you to be caught.
It would be great if you could find a way to leave them behind. I’m so sorry they’ve had this impact on you.

AntiBullshit · 30/08/2025 19:24

Be the bigger person and walk away and leave them to their life

IfHeWantedToHeWould · 30/08/2025 20:55

Don’t contact them. By all means write a letter or an email but don’t send it. They won’t care. If anything all you would achieve is giving them power. I doubt they even think of you.

Saying that I’m not sure what being the bigger person achieves, I would like to fuck up a couple of people, just enough. However what you can do is make sure you have boundaries, don’t allow anyone to treat you badly. Don’t allow poor behaviour. Prioritise you.

Emmz1510 · 31/08/2025 20:23

You are a good person and no matter what this person did to you I don’t think you would feel good taking revenge. Revenge comes from a place of anger and as long as you dwell on that, the person will occupy more space in your mind than they deserve to.
The best revenge is to live well, as they say.

Northernladdette · 31/08/2025 20:37

Is it worth possibly getting a criminal record over or making a fool of yourself?
You need to let this go……,

Original poster
ClatterHatters · 31/08/2025 20:40

Northernladdette · 31/08/2025 20:37

Is it worth possibly getting a criminal record over or making a fool of yourself?
You need to let this go……,

No exactly - totally agree

OP posts:
BuildbyNumbere · 31/08/2025 20:56

You are lowering yourself to their level … get on with your life.

Lolalovesroses · 31/08/2025 21:12

Do not get revenge. Just move on and try and enjoy your life. Most bullies have their own demons that they are dealing with. The person may have changed, realised their error. You’d just feel guilty and anxious. There’s nothing to be gained from thinking about them.

vivazeboo · 31/08/2025 21:23

People like this will usually get what's coming to them - my high school bully walked into the sea a couple of years ago, he made my life hell so I wasnt sad about it..

TY78910 · 31/08/2025 22:05

Two wrongs don’t make a right OP. I wish you to find peace in the future x

ThisPeachBear · 31/08/2025 22:10

I was bullied for the last 2 or 3 years of secondary, it was intense. My bullies were a school year older but it did not stop when they left as they had recruited others to their campaign that were still in the school. When I left at 16 and went to college one of the bullies apologised and asked to be friends, as they had no one else. I of course refused but accepted that apology. Almost 30 years on there are points I still struggle with my self-esteem, I would say maybe an impact of their actions. However, I still see the main bully about in the community. As an outsider looking in her world does not appear to be as enriching and fulfilling as mine, that is revenge enough in itself.

OP do not seek revenge because the likelihood is in one way or another they will have received their consequences for the way they made you feel. Enjoy what your life is now, don’t let them control your thoughts or world anymore.

CatDad13 · 31/08/2025 22:14

ClatterHatters · 30/08/2025 12:09

I posted on this site some months ago about some awful bullying that happened to me in secondary school. I’m glad I did because everyone was so supportive. 😊

One poster suggested I somehow get revenge on them anonymously. This is something I myself had thought about before I even posted on MN so this poster was hardly making a brand new suggestion to me as such.

However, whenever I’ve thought about getting revenge - in this day and age with everything so traceable etc - even an online anonymous message can to some extent be traceable - and CCTV everywhere etc. To be honest I’d have the hassle of constant worry that I was going to be caught if I instigated a vengeful act.

Also if I’m being honest - if I ever got found out it could look like I didn’t have a happy or successful life now if I was trying to get my own back with regard to a traumatic incident that happened to me decades ago.

AIBU to ask what others think ?

It's tempting and I understand why you feel this way.

Yes, you might get some satisfaction from it. Just be aware that it won't undo what they did to you and how it affected your life. Revenge doesn't correct or change the past. It's a stand alone action that may not bring the closure you're seeking.

You have to do that for yourself and you will ❤

CJsGoldfish · 31/08/2025 22:20

ClatterHatters · 30/08/2025 12:16

Thank you. Yes I’d feel guilty.

No I haven’t considered contacting them directly for a discussion - I feel if anything this would play more into their hands

Show quote history

This makes it sound as though you think they're waiting for you to contact them decades later. They're not and you'd likely only be more upset if they don't remember you or say they hadn't thought of you for decades.

You are giving this way more space than it deserves. You need something else to focus on because obsessing over this is only going to prolong having to look at what is really going on

SchnizelVonKrumm · 31/08/2025 22:29

As pp have said, be the bigger person here. I didn't see the previous thread so don't know the background, but either the people in question are still nasty bullies (in which case, how sad for them. The best revenge would be to live a good and happy life) or they've grown up and changed since secondary school (in which case why try to punish them now for something they did as kids and may deeply regret?).

FluffySnugglyBlankets · 31/08/2025 22:59

I understand why you'd feel that way but is it really going to help you in the end? Sometimes it's better to leave things in the past. I admit to being very human and knowing one of my worst bullies went through a nasty divorce, I feel they deserved it and don't care if they are miserable.

Also, if anyone came out of the woodwork decades later and it was anything other than friendly, I'd assume they were having mental health issues and would involve the police.

mezlou84 · 01/09/2025 05:58

You are giving them power over you decades on. I bet they don't give it a one second thought. Axe them from your life, see if you can get counselling from somewhere even if it's just writing down your feelings.
You are right to be upset and angry with what happened and I am sure they feel bad for what they did as a child but feelings of revenge are bad for you.
You are constantly making yourself feel bad and feel guilty at revenge and it's not worth the extra damage to yourself with worry about what would happen if you get caught. It would always play on your mind, though I understand reasons why you want revenge.
Put yourself in a good place, give them no more power and take back the power. Get a new hobby, join friends for coffee, see if there are some groups where you live that you could join. Every minute not used on them is a win for you. You can win by being you. You are worth it, you are worth not dragging yourself down, you are worth being you, don't turn yourself into someone you're not. Just asking this question proves you're above this and ready to make the time for you.

PollyBell · 01/09/2025 06:24

What happened to me in school or when I was younger stayed there, I am a grown up now so I moved on

Bluenan · 01/09/2025 08:53

I was bullied at senior school decades ago for 3 yrs. I still remember her name and what she looked like. Now when I think what a good life we have, I feel sorry for her. What a miserable life she must have had to have to bully someone to feel good about herself. Let it go OP, it’s wasted energy.

Original poster
ClatterHatters · 01/09/2025 09:45

mezlou84 · 01/09/2025 05:58

You are giving them power over you decades on. I bet they don't give it a one second thought. Axe them from your life, see if you can get counselling from somewhere even if it's just writing down your feelings.
You are right to be upset and angry with what happened and I am sure they feel bad for what they did as a child but feelings of revenge are bad for you.
You are constantly making yourself feel bad and feel guilty at revenge and it's not worth the extra damage to yourself with worry about what would happen if you get caught. It would always play on your mind, though I understand reasons why you want revenge.
Put yourself in a good place, give them no more power and take back the power. Get a new hobby, join friends for coffee, see if there are some groups where you live that you could join. Every minute not used on them is a win for you. You can win by being you. You are worth it, you are worth not dragging yourself down, you are worth being you, don't turn yourself into someone you're not. Just asking this question proves you're above this and ready to make the time for you.

Thank you - excellent advice

OP posts:
Mamm3333 · 06/09/2025 08:24

A short while after we left school my school bully came into the bar where I worked in and I served her drinks all evening, lager and lime. Then when it was closing time I served her up a glass of lime with a dash of lager…it was petty revenge of me but also a little funny watching her face after that first sip.

I have seen her more recently and we spoke. She’s no longer a bully to me and I’m no longer a timid girl. People change even if they haven’t - you can. Get your revenge through your own success and achievements whatever they maybe x

Original poster
ClatterHatters · 07/09/2025 07:22

Mamm3333 · 06/09/2025 08:24

A short while after we left school my school bully came into the bar where I worked in and I served her drinks all evening, lager and lime. Then when it was closing time I served her up a glass of lime with a dash of lager…it was petty revenge of me but also a little funny watching her face after that first sip.

I have seen her more recently and we spoke. She’s no longer a bully to me and I’m no longer a timid girl. People change even if they haven’t - you can. Get your revenge through your own success and achievements whatever they maybe x

Thank you - yes you’re quite right x

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 07/09/2025 07:27

Homegrownberries · 30/08/2025 16:04

"One poster suggested I somehow get revenge on them anonymously."

Of all the advice you got that's the one lunatic you chose to listen to?

Which makes me think the OP would benefit from therapy.