Are our finances unreasonable?

[Velmy]

My partner and I (not married but we'll get around to it) live together and have done for some time. We have our own accounts, current and savings etc.

We're currently renting while we decide when we want to settle down. Both early 40s, both full time professionals.

We split rent and all bills/weekly food shop 50/50, he sends me a lump sum to my bills account every month. I earn about 20k more than him, but we both earn a lot to the point that it's negligible.

Aside from that, we don't keep track of anything. We don't take turns buying takeaways or paying for nights out. I might buy a piece of furniture, he might buy a new TV. If I can't find my card I take his and vice versa. If it's a holiday I want to go on, I'll pay, and vice versa. He doesn't drive, so I buy/tax/insure my own cars. He buys all the sound systems, TVs, games consoles we both use. He pays for both our travel insurance, I get health through work. If we're clothes shopping together it's whoever gets their card out first.

We wouldn't have a clue who's up, who's down, who owes who what... everything is just ours and we love it like that. We've never, ever had a crossed word about money. I realise we're quite fortunate in that it's never tight, but we've gone nearly ten years without falling out over it.

Whenever I see joint finances being discussed on MN, it seems to be rigidly 50-50 or people contributing a percentage based on what they earn if there's a disparity. I did suggest that a while back but he said he couldn't be arsed 😅

Is this a reasonable way to deal with finances?

YABU - Stop being so chaotic, work out what you're contributing or just get a joint account!

YANBU - If it isn't broke, don't fix it...but for God's sake don't split up! 🤣

YANBU - for now. It works fine as you are both high earners with no dependents.

But you do need to have a discussion about future plans - kids, house purchase etc.

Particularly if you have DC, which usually results in a salary change for the woman, as well as a whole series of new child-related costs, it’s really important to understand how money will be managed and allocated and be on the same page.

Not unreasonable at all. I cant see how partners work it any other way. It does sound like you arent struggling at the moment though. It might be worth having a conversation about how you'd manage if you were.

Because you both have lots of money to spare and no children
Throw in one of you not being able to work or having a child then it wouldnt work

No children and won't be having any. We borrow my nephews a lot though :)

The house purchase will be something to think about to be fair, he recently received a large inheritance which he intends to put towards the house. I'll be putting in a lot less.

Sounds good, I’d get married though.

I think it would matter to you if you were on a low wage. Sounds like with your salaries it’s just irrelevant

I'm on the other side of the fence than most of MN. I don't get the idea of even having separate accounts. If you are together, then be together. You're a family, not flatmates! Doesn't matter who earns more or less, everything is pooled together and expenses are family expenses, not mine and his. Btw, i am the higher earner (by a lot) and still don't mind.
And yeah, I realize I am a minority and have different values than most on here. No wonder the divorce rate is so high. Nobody goes "all in" anymore, I guess.

When you’re rolling in money it is easy to look down on those who need to budget and track expenses/shares to make ends meet.

I would still advise doing a budget of some sort and ensuring you are saving for your future non working old age,

I disagree. We are in a similar position and also have a young child.

We’re slightly older than OP and have been together for around 20 years.

We’ve never had a joint account for anything. We’ve also never had a single argument about money.

We don’t really budget other than putting huge chunks into pensions each month. We’d also have no idea who has spent what or if it’s anywhere near 50/50 over the last 2 decades. I don’t think either of us care to be honest.

We would be fine if one of us was suddenly unable to work. My partner was extremely ill for almost a year a while back. He was still able to do a small side gig he has from home, but it was less than min wage. Obviously had to make some big cutbacks/lifestyle changes but we're not particularly material so it was fine.

Keep telling him he owes me one!

More power to you, OP; that just sounds like two people working as a team rather than a pair of business associates conducting transactions and keeping score.

My other half and I are pretty much the same - although I earn about three times as much, we just don't care even though we keep separate accounts (I used to have a gambling problem a couple of decades back so it was the safest option, and it just kinda stuck because it works). If one's short, the other covers it...usually me, but it doesn't really matter. After all, who wants to see their partner struggle?

The only thing we've made absolutely sure of is the accounting for the house; it's strictly 50-50, but that was only to keep my in-laws at bay.

We've lived through real struggles, we've had times when we didn't know how we were going to heat the house...so now that we've got plenty of money, we just appreciate it for what it represents: the removal of a source of stress, so that we can live happier lives. Any suggestion that we should re-introduce that stress by keeping score seems bonkers to me.

We certainly don't look down on anyone. We've both been on the bones of our arse at various points in our lives and we appreciate what we have.

I currently have a much larger pension that my other half, which will be something to think about.

Like others have said, you currently have the luxury of not needing to worry about 'fairness' or running out of money. That's quite rare.

Other people need to budget or monitor who pays for what because otherwise, essential bills don't get paid, there's nothing left for annual and irregular expenses like Christmas, holidays, car repairs etc or someone is missing out due to their partner's spending choices, eg DW can't replace her only bra, which is falling apart, while DH has daily coffees, Pret lunches and a fully funded golf/cycling/motorsport hobby.

You've already identified the disparity in your pension arrangements, which could be offset by your DPs inheritance, which he says he's going to put into the house you buy, but you need to think about what things will look like when you're retirement age and his income drops massively or if you split up and he wants to take back the money he put into the house.

That might mean one or both of you do start to care about who pays for what. For example, what pension arrangements does he have and could/should he be saving more. How would you feel at retirement age if he has little or no pension but wants to continue spending money on 'stuff' that he can no longer afford?

Sounds fine. We don’t do it that way because we’re in a completely different situation.

I'm always surprised to hear about people in high paying jobs without strong critical thinking skills, empathy or dare I say much common sense!

If it works for you both, then I see no reason to change it.

My DH and I are a bit like this, albeit it has evolved over the years (we have children too so that’s a major additional expense).

The one sticking point we haven’t quite worked out the answer to is ‘planning for the future vs ‘spending today’. It’s quite difficult to plan for the longer term when you have no idea what your collective financial position is…!

This was works for you and that’s fine. You have lot of money so don’t have that massive money stress hanging over you in the way that lots of people do. Because money or the lack of it isn’t a stressor in your life you can be more free with it. You’re very lucky. If money is a big stressor, as it can be for many, and the source of arguments, because let’s face it, not having enough money is incredibly stressful, you’re more likely to want to keep a track and keep things “fair”.

We aren't dissimilar op and we did have kids. When I didn't work I did keep a note of what I spent and dh wrote a cheque at the end of the month. We've never had a joint account, never counted who puts what in. But, it's because we've always had more than enough and have never had a cross word because our attitudes to money are the same.

However, in the early days the house was mine and it was written into a prenup with a clause about the division of capital appreciation from a certain point.

All of it is fine when you're affluent.

The problems occur if one person suddenly has to cut back on work and it's the arrival of a child/children that tends to throw a bomb into it. That is presumably not relevant to you based on your OP.

You should probably go through a few worst case scenarios with a financial advisor.

You say you both earn mega bucks and neither of you have to worry about money. With this much financial freedom picking up the treat bills are negligent to both of you.

All sounds amicable.

I assume children won’t be an issue if you don’t have them by now. If it works that’s fine. Ive always found 50/50 splits a bit odd myself but then you aren’t married and earn a similar amount so you have the luxury of making it work.

It sounds good but are you saving a good amount into a pension, have 6 months of emergency savings, investing for the future etc? If you’re doing well, make the most of it and set yourself up, especially if you’re planning on having a family in the future.

my DH and I didn’t do this when we were working in high paid jobs, and although we have still done well, we could have such a bigger nest egg if we had started investing 15 years earlier. Learn from my mistakes!

Yanbu, if you are both kind hearted and generous and love each other then this chaos is fine. It is the fact that you are affluent that allows the chaos to be fine - if you had to live on a strict budget it would be more of a problem but it's not like that, and you are effectively very close to how it would be if all money was held in common anyway.

BUT - life happens. At any point a twist of a card that fate has dealt you could bring up problems where there are none now. Your happy chaos would not be robust in a situation of redundancy, cancer, unplanned pregnancy etc. However, if you prioritise getting around to getting married asap and officially moving over to a system for all financial resources to be held in common, you will not see any significant differences while life continues on its happy course, but you will have a setup that is well prepared for whatever storms may be ahead.

If it works for you then what anyone else does is irrelevant. Dh and I don’t have a joint account: he pays some bills, I pay others. However, unlike you we do have an annual budget (with a buffer!) as we had specific goals we wanted to achieve eg dh retired at 53 and I only work for a few months per year.

You “keep telling him he owes you one”? Weird comment if you really don’t care about money…