Are our finances unreasonable?

[Velmy]

My partner and I (not married but we'll get around to it) live together and have done for some time. We have our own accounts, current and savings etc.

We're currently renting while we decide when we want to settle down. Both early 40s, both full time professionals.

We split rent and all bills/weekly food shop 50/50, he sends me a lump sum to my bills account every month. I earn about 20k more than him, but we both earn a lot to the point that it's negligible.

Aside from that, we don't keep track of anything. We don't take turns buying takeaways or paying for nights out. I might buy a piece of furniture, he might buy a new TV. If I can't find my card I take his and vice versa. If it's a holiday I want to go on, I'll pay, and vice versa. He doesn't drive, so I buy/tax/insure my own cars. He buys all the sound systems, TVs, games consoles we both use. He pays for both our travel insurance, I get health through work. If we're clothes shopping together it's whoever gets their card out first.

We wouldn't have a clue who's up, who's down, who owes who what... everything is just ours and we love it like that. We've never, ever had a crossed word about money. I realise we're quite fortunate in that it's never tight, but we've gone nearly ten years without falling out over it.

Whenever I see joint finances being discussed on MN, it seems to be rigidly 50-50 or people contributing a percentage based on what they earn if there's a disparity. I did suggest that a while back but he said he couldn't be arsed 😅

Is this a reasonable way to deal with finances?

YABU - Stop being so chaotic, work out what you're contributing or just get a joint account!

YANBU - If it isn't broke, don't fix it...but for God's sake don't split up! 🤣

I’ve been married for 35 years now. Retired now and comfortable. Me and dh ended up earning around the same amount.
We always pool everything and buy what we want. We discuss big purchases but not everyday ones. It was exactly the same when I was on maternity pay, working part time and we were paying a lot for childcare.
We would never have considered doing it differently and it works perfectly for us. I am always surprised when people don’t do it this way but each couple needs to find what works for them.
But I don’t see a problem with what you are doing.

YANBU when its not about the %, the detail it becomes about the approach, the character - and as there is no gold digger characters, no 'penny pinching' on either side, no 'you pay for it, i want you to do it' , I want you to buy me X, can you pay for Y - lopsided...

So no id say you are in a good place.

We do it the same way, and we have young children. It broadly works out as fair, or fair-ish. We’re in the brutally expensive childcare years though. Neither of us have taken a substantial salary cut, although there is a bit of a difference in salary, but not too much.

We do have half arsed financial planning chats, remortgage chats, etc. Both pay into a pension. We’ve been together for well over a decade and it works for us. I don’t think I’d like the joint account approach, but that seems to work really well for some

If I was your partner and putting more into the house, then I would want to protect that.

But otherwise if your finances work for you and there are no issues, then I wouldn’t worry.

DH and I are the same and always have been. We have a joint account we both pay into for the house and bills (pretty much pay the same in now that he roughly earns as much as me). We don’t earn a great deal each, but are comfortable with the lifestyle we lead and operate the same when it’s outside of household expenses, we just get on with it…. The only reason we don’t have joint accounts is because I buy way more trainers than DH and that’s not his responsibility!! 😂

Hubby and i same as you, now age 60,together 35 yrs, no issues, keep going as you are, and the person who said about looking down on others obviously has a chip on their shoulder, we same as you, worked every hour god sent to get into a half decent financial situation, good on yas x

Do either of you have critically illness insurance? Life insurance? Who currently owns what property? Wills etc??

With your partner's recent illness - did they claim ESA / PIP, and if not, why not? Were their NI contributions covered during this time?

What is happening re pensions for the both of you, as there are tax benefits to maxing these out if you are higher tax payers?

Very like my relationship. Have been together over 20 years - unmarried but will do it sometime. Bought house 18 years ago and legally set out how much of it we each owned (based on contribution). We do have two kids and over the years our finances have fluctuated between the two of us. We have joint and separate accounts and are named beneficiaries on Insurance and pensions. Having blurred boundaries has never been an issue with us.

I’ve been married for 25 years and we have 2 teen DCs and we still run our finances like you - all money is family money. At different stages in our life together we have both earned more than the other. I went PT for a long time when the kids were small and he now earns about a third more than me.

I find it so weird both on here and on RL to hear of couples who keep a mental note and pay each other back for things etc.

I actually have a similar relationship with money with my closest friend in that we both just buy things - dinners, drinks, theatre tickets etc and know that it will all even itself out without rigidly taking turns.

We do our finances like this, just share and muddle through and it’s fine.
we are married and we both don’t covet wealth so to speak, so no risk of anyone buying a £4K handbag or men’s equivalent. It’s worked fine for 20 years.

You don’t need to split hairs, it sounds fine.

We do the same as you and always have. When he earned more, when I was a SAHM and not earning, a couple of years ago when I received an inheritance and it went straight into our joint savings, and through everything we have to face financially in the future too. Everything we have is just ours and always will be, it works for us. We’ve never had a cross word over it either. I hope it’s always that way.
I have a credit card that I use for spends I don’t want him to see - presents for him for example.

YANBU stop stressing the small stuff it’s working beautifully and by the sounds you’re both super happy leave it alone is my advice

If that suits you both then that’s great. Personal I prefer keeping everything separate and having one joint account that everything mutual is paid from and money is put into the account commensurate with each others disposable income and topped up in the same ratio if it falls short. Has always worked well for me and gifts treats etc are paid by individuals from personal money.

Sounds like a stealth brag to me. Very smug.

It’s working because you haven’t actually made any commitments to each other, in your own words you haven’t yet ‘settled down’ despite being in your forties.
When you commit to a house contract you’re going to have to physically say whether the property is an equal share or you both own proportions of it. You say DP has inheritance and he will contribute more, so will he own a larger share with a declaration of trust written up? You have a bigger pension so will you instead of contributing a big deposit, pay off the remaining mortgage on retirement?
I think your big salaries has clouded your judgement and you’re very naive about your future plans that it just all works itself out, you need to make sound financial plans and decisions.

It sounds like you've got a good balance. If one or the other was controlling or a skinflint, it wouldn't work.

For us, we are skint people. DP earns not much over minimum wage, I am disabled. His wages go into MY account. Our benefits and my PIP also go into MY account. However, due to my disability, it's easier for DP to do the shopping, so he usually has my card. He cannot access my online banking. I keep a close eye on my account, in fact I get notified every time money goes in or out of it.

He has an account that I transfer money to for a direct debit that goes out monthly. He also has bits of money put in it from time to time, but not regularly.

He asks what money we have. If he wants to spend above the norm, he asks if we can afford it.

I am very much in charge of our money and I need that for my anxiety. He sees a large number in black as a challenge to spend!

This works for us! It wouldn't work for everyone!