Are our finances unreasonable?

[Velmy]

My partner and I (not married but we'll get around to it) live together and have done for some time. We have our own accounts, current and savings etc.

We're currently renting while we decide when we want to settle down. Both early 40s, both full time professionals.

We split rent and all bills/weekly food shop 50/50, he sends me a lump sum to my bills account every month. I earn about 20k more than him, but we both earn a lot to the point that it's negligible.

Aside from that, we don't keep track of anything. We don't take turns buying takeaways or paying for nights out. I might buy a piece of furniture, he might buy a new TV. If I can't find my card I take his and vice versa. If it's a holiday I want to go on, I'll pay, and vice versa. He doesn't drive, so I buy/tax/insure my own cars. He buys all the sound systems, TVs, games consoles we both use. He pays for both our travel insurance, I get health through work. If we're clothes shopping together it's whoever gets their card out first.

We wouldn't have a clue who's up, who's down, who owes who what... everything is just ours and we love it like that. We've never, ever had a crossed word about money. I realise we're quite fortunate in that it's never tight, but we've gone nearly ten years without falling out over it.

Whenever I see joint finances being discussed on MN, it seems to be rigidly 50-50 or people contributing a percentage based on what they earn if there's a disparity. I did suggest that a while back but he said he couldn't be arsed 😅

Is this a reasonable way to deal with finances?

YABU - Stop being so chaotic, work out what you're contributing or just get a joint account!

YANBU - If it isn't broke, don't fix it...but for God's sake don't split up! 🤣

We’re just the same. We have seperate accounts and both just pay for stuff. Been married 10 years and it works for us.

I think it’s up to you really, it’s your money and if you’re both happy with the arrangement then why not!

I fully understand why some people split everything 50/50 and have separate account - my sister does it with her DH and works well for them. However, both my DH and me have always been very relaxed about it. When things got serious between us and he moved in with me, we set up a joint account, everything goes in and comes out of there and we don’t keep track of anything, besides our overall monthly spend. We both earn around the same and have no plans for kids so less complicated I suppose.

While we work hard for it and appreciate money, we both value other things above it and the idea of quibbling over making everything equal just doesn’t appeal to either of us. I’d parrot what the others have said about getting married though, just to have that extra security…it’s a cliche and very unromantic but it’s worth it I think.

Not true. This is exactly how me and my now husband have done it. We have never been high earners so never did big purchases but at times I have earned more and paid a chunk off the mortgage and at times he has earned more. I have had two mat leaves and now work part time and we have never had a big discussion about money (just about what days I would go part time). Then again, we love each other and are kind. So that helps.

Sorry, OP, but this is definitely how your post comes across, so I’d take pause and consider why rather than brushing it aside.

I’m not sure why you need validation on how your deal with your finances together? People deal with them in all different ways for all kinds of reasons.

DH and I are both high earners and also never bothered tracking anything. But having a wedding, then twins, buying a house and renovating it soon meant that money was sometimes rushing out of our accounts faster than we could save. Sounds like your spending so far is piecemeal, it’s the big things that end up mattering.

So are people who have big discussions about money and/or track even spending aren’t kind or don’t love each other?

Until more recently we have managed our finances in a similar manner for almost 40 years including through the child rearing years, redundancy, cancer and retirement. Half of the time we were not married. Due to age we now have a joint account for household bills, have utilities in joint names and use a family email address, so if something happens to one of us sorting that sort of thing out will be far easier.

I am not sure things would have worked if monies had been really tight as any spending or paying discrepancies would have been amplified, especially for whoever was the lower earner at the time. There could also be issues if the property is not owned jointly when living together if you split up. You also need to have some sort of shared values around finances. So whilst it can work, it’s not without risk.

We work like that now, when we were younger and broke we split everything pro rata to earnings, now we are pretty comfortable, have got rid of the joint account, and don't really stress about who pays what for what. I think if you don't have to budget to make ends meet it's fine.

You have no money worries and all your extra spending above bills etc is negligible and not for essentials so you've no issue.

It would be different if things were right. I can tell from some comments you've made that if things were tight, you'd have an issue then and wouldn't be so carefree.

This. It's barely an achievement when there is lots of money to go round

It’s not unreasonable now because you are equals and have equal input into your joint lives. What will be problematic will be when you are no longer ‘equals’ in that your contributions are not identical; eg one of you is taking on more a home / marriage / kids. You need to discuss how you’ll manage finances when / if that happens… you may find he doesn’t want to pay ‘more’ than you because he’s never had to before; but if you would like to take a longer maternity leave or stay at home with a child and reduce your income; he might not want to financially contribute to you doing that. So equal is good for now but you do need to know what his thoughts are and yours for future if your set up changes.

I hope that when you were on mat leave and part time working that you (as a household) still kept up your pension contributions even when you were the lower earner; otherwise no it’s not fair! X

🙄🙄

You're making this bigger than it needs to be. Discuss it and decide what's best for you both. Either an entirely joint account, or contribute whatever % you both agree into an account. Isn't it all swings and roundabouts?

YANBU. Our set up is pretty much the same as yours. We've been together 34 years married for 23 and have never had joint finances. He pays for more stuff b because he earns more. No bill splitting, no spreadsheets, no drama. Works for us.

I didn’t know which way to vote…YANBU to carry on how you are. But I think YABU in regards to thinking it’s easy breezy for everyone. You may have been on the bones of your arse at one point but your not now and you can spend how you want etc. Me and my ex kept everything separate because he had financial issues which meant it was easier for us to not combine, bills were in proportion to salary and then they came out my account he transferred me it each month. We alternated food shops etc one of us would grab a meal but it came out of our own money pot as such not a shared one, but when your on the edge about money I think the ease around it changes

What in the OP suggests a lack of these?

I think your way sounds perfect and you sound financially well matched.

I find some of the stories on here tough - with women funding their own maternity leave from savings as if their pregnancy has nothing to do with their husband. It makes me wonder why people bother marrying as it’s not a partnership.

Issues with joint finances arise when 1 party isn’t pulling their weight (at work or at home) and is essentially taking advantage of the other. Tends to be with female breadwinners who are under immense financial pressure and also do the majority of childcare and housework whilst the husband potters around with a hobby business or undemanding 9-5. (I’m sure it can work the other way though).

It doesn’t sound like this would ever be an issue for you and your partner especially with similar salary levels and no plans to have children.

But I would get married.

It sounds like you’re fairly intelligent and well educated if you have such a high income, so surely you know that the answer to this is that if it works for you, and you’re both happy with the arrangement, then it’s fine?
This just sounds like a dig at people who do it differently to you. A lot of people don’t have the privilege to be as free with finances as you both are, because they’re working to strict budgets.

YANBU. You are acting like a married couple who love and trust each other imo, which isn't a bad thing if you're definitely getting married anyway. I'd probably be a tad warier than you are whilst unmarried.

I think people who go 50/50 with their married partners are nuts, actually. I can't imagine marrying someone and keeping a tally/things so separate. Causes so much inequality and problems in the majority of cases.

Of course it works. Because you have lots of money.

DH and I are the same, we have our own accounts, spend what we want when we want. No big analysis, but broadly “fair”: I pay mortgage, he pays school fees. I pay DC1s rent, he pays DC2s rent.

it works well for us, but clearly wouldn’t if we had financial concerns

It’s absolutely fine as long as you’re both naturally on the same page financially. It doesn’t work if one is a spendthrift / yolo and the other is a long term planner, or if either feels they are being taken advantage of. It’s what DH and I have always done.

Yea we never did ‘you pay for this I pay for that’. Partly as my DH was a high earner - I mean 20 times what I earned. So it was a bit pointless!
But you can do what you do as you earn well. If you didn’t and you had to budget, it would be a different system.

The reason you can’t see the issue is twofole

1. Theres plenty of money to go around, you’re the high earner and essentially if you split youd bithbve ok

2. You haven’t had children, lost out career and pension wise, had to work part time to fit around the kids and everything that comes with them whilst his life carries on as normal eith a free housemaid, nanny and project manager “because he works full time”

Thats the difference.

It's absolutely fine if it works. And it clearly has done so far, since you both have enough not to need to worry.

But I'd give the pension situation some thought. You mention a disparity, will DP have enough coming in for the two of you to be able to continue with the current financial model? If not, he still has a couple of decades to do something about it, so I'd have the discussion now.

That’s how we do things - we’re married and have kids.

But it only works because we have similar approaches to money (so no one feels taken advantage of), and enough money that no one is ever going to go short.