DH just said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore

Iris10000 · 2025-08-29T21:09:41+00:00

I am feeling awful. DH has been short/sarcastic and generally not very nice with me recently. We have 6 month old baby and I know I have not made enough effort to be a wife and I admitted that to him (but I did so much for the household and kids that not much energy was left and I know that’s a poor excuse - see link below). I said I believe, with effort, we could build a good relationship again. We also have 4 year old DD. I asked him tonight to talk before he put his usual earphones in to watch football YouTube. He said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He said I have not shown him affection since the arrival of the baby and driven him into depression. I feel totally crushed and in shock. Are there any resources I can access cheaply? I really don’t want to spend hundreds on counselling now knowing he will financially screw me over. For context this was him few months ago and I was blind and didn’t see things were brewing: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5353978-to-expect-dh-to-support-me-financially-on-maternity-leave-and-increase-the-share-of-mental-load

mumofoneAloneandwell · 29/08/2025 22:16

The first comment on your other post was correct

Tell him that I said that he is a weak, twattish man baby and that you, the op, are better off without him.

He can do weekends as a parent and you'll have some free time to find yourself again ❤️

RhaenysRocks · 29/08/2025 22:18

Lovely, unless he wants to work on things, there is not much point doing anything other than preparing yourself emotionally and practically for being a single parent. That means getting armed with his financial info as much as you can, finding out what you could claim on UC and thinking about what shared residency of the children would look like..with the very young one it's unlikely that 50/50 would work. Don't head in the sand this. Be proactive and quietly determined.

PrancingBean · 29/08/2025 22:36

When my marriage ended, I was terrified. Had no idea how I would function. Now, quite a few years on, I have no idea why I thought I deserved such fuckery.

I’m absolutely not telling you to LTB. I didn’t. He told me that he didn’t want to be with me (and had met someone else.)

I’m just saying, you deserve so much better than this.

Turns out my biggest fear was mostly financial. It often is. It’s a good place to start. Once I knew I could manage financially, I had a safety net for the emotional stuff. And that took time. And therapy. But I’m thriving now. You will be too.

Think about what you actually want from life. What will make you happy. How can you thrive? Because this man is actively bringing you down. You feel awful because he’s making you feel awful.

you deserve better and I send you all the good wishes I can muster.

Heronwatcher · 29/08/2025 22:36

Honestly this is going nowhere. I know it’s difficult but best thing is to focus on splitting up in a civilised way and becoming functional co-parents to your kids. You sound like you’ve got a good job, 2 kids and so every chance of building a lovely life for yourself and your kids.

Luddite26 · 29/08/2025 22:45

I remember your last thread and thought you deserve better.
Let him go. He's not worth even giving a fuck about.
Yes it's going to be hard but you are worth more than how he drains you.
You might have a lot to go through but it will get sorted and you can rebuild your life. If you stay together he will drain you forever.

The most precious things are your children and your own worth.
I wasted 17 years with 1 bastard and lost all my 30s to coercive control. You can't get time back you shouldn't sleepwalk through your life in a bad relationship.

I'm sorry you are going through this when you have a new baby.

Original poster

Iris10000 · 29/08/2025 22:54

I am not worried about myself. Financial side is a concern but my main worry is damaging the older DD. I am terrified that her mental health will be affected and that she will never witness a loving relationship and will not be able to build her own in future. This is the only reason why I wanted to work on things rather than split up but the decision has been made by DH. In his view divorce doesn’t affect young kids.

DH has been very friendly with a female work colleague and I saw messages popping up on his phone. He has also become obsessive about his mobile and would take it everywhere. There might be nothing there.

OP posts:

SunnySideDeepDown · 29/08/2025 23:00

I’m wondering if this ends up being a great move for you longer term OP. I suspect in 5 years time you’ll be thankful he’s (obviously cheated and) leaving. It gives you a chance to be the mum you want to be fully and, in time, meet someone who will respect you if this is what you want down the line.

Divorce isn’t ideal for kids but you can’t be blamed for your husband leaving you over 6 months of hardship. You can’t force him to be a good and loyal husband, clearly he lacks morals.

UninitendedShark · 29/08/2025 23:06

He’s clearly had his head turned at the very least. More fool him. You can’t live like this and I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. He’s a selfish arsehole and you’ll be well rid. Divorce isn’t great for kids but neither is having a their dad be awful to their mother. That’s on him, not you. Good luck and hang in there.

Original poster

Iris10000 · 29/08/2025 23:08

To be honest I am extremely sad but surprisingly I feel relieved. Relieved because he has changed, he doesn’t like my family and banned me from talking to my sister about anything to do with our marriage as she “undermines him”. He has become a loner and is not happy when I go out with my mum friends (not very often anyway). He is over-reliant on his parents, who have very recently become hostile towards me.

OP posts:

IsItTheBlackOneOrTheRedOne · 29/08/2025 23:11

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You do really need to tell him to fuck all the way off. He is not on your side

PrancingBean · 29/08/2025 23:14

Iris10000 · 29/08/2025 22:54

I am not worried about myself. Financial side is a concern but my main worry is damaging the older DD. I am terrified that her mental health will be affected and that she will never witness a loving relationship and will not be able to build her own in future. This is the only reason why I wanted to work on things rather than split up but the decision has been made by DH. In his view divorce doesn’t affect young kids.

DH has been very friendly with a female work colleague and I saw messages popping up on his phone. He has also become obsessive about his mobile and would take it everywhere. There might be nothing there.

I get this. My kids are young adults now and my biggest worry has always been their well-being. Always will be. But, in my case, they weren’t witnessing a loving relationship. I hope that I’ve demonstrated that it’s ok to say “enough.” You’ll never stop caring about how your children feel. But it’s absolutely ok to focus on how you’re feeling as well.

Superhansrantowindsor · 30/08/2025 07:15

My parents split when I was an adult. It would have been better for everyone if they had split when I was a young child.
This must be a very difficult time for you op but you will get through it. You sound like a lovely person. Lots of women on mumsnet have been through this and can offer you good practical advice but also support.
You and your dc deserve better.

PollyBell · 30/08/2025 07:18

How many more red flags do you need? And you think thia is healthy for your children?

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 30/08/2025 07:23

You're not showing your DD a loving relationship, so no concerns there.

You sound great OP and massively underappreciated. He doesn't deserve you.

Bikergran · 30/08/2025 07:29

While he is at work, find out everything you can about all his financial situstion, including, if possible, account names and numbers, pension providers and reference numbers etc. How much he earns, what savings he has etc. Write it all down and hide it, then take it with you when you go to get advice. That way you will know if he is lying when he makes his financial declaration for a divorce.

Luckyingame · 30/08/2025 07:32

You don't need this specimen in your life, OP.
Your daughter will be fine, better off in a long run if you kick IT to the kerb now.
Friendly with a female colleague, the childish twat.

endofthelinefinally · 30/08/2025 07:37

Find your marriage certificate and keep it safe. You will need it.
Read the divorce board and the relationships board on here. In particular the advice about "getting your ducks in a row".
You need to find and copy every single piece of financial and property paperwork.

beAsensible1 · 30/08/2025 07:37

Iris10000 · 29/08/2025 22:54

I am not worried about myself. Financial side is a concern but my main worry is damaging the older DD. I am terrified that her mental health will be affected and that she will never witness a loving relationship and will not be able to build her own in future. This is the only reason why I wanted to work on things rather than split up but the decision has been made by DH. In his view divorce doesn’t affect young kids.

DH has been very friendly with a female work colleague and I saw messages popping up on his phone. He has also become obsessive about his mobile and would take it everywhere. There might be nothing there.

You are catastrophising here. Staying with your horrendous and bullying whiny husband sets a worse example.

sort your finances so he can’t rinse you and leave the bastard. And make him share those saving the little shit

thepariscrimefiles · 30/08/2025 07:38

Iris10000 · 29/08/2025 22:54

I am not worried about myself. Financial side is a concern but my main worry is damaging the older DD. I am terrified that her mental health will be affected and that she will never witness a loving relationship and will not be able to build her own in future. This is the only reason why I wanted to work on things rather than split up but the decision has been made by DH. In his view divorce doesn’t affect young kids.

DH has been very friendly with a female work colleague and I saw messages popping up on his phone. He has also become obsessive about his mobile and would take it everywhere. There might be nothing there.

He's obviously having an emotional affair at the very least with his colleague and probably a physical one as well.

From your previous post and what you have said here, he isn't a good husband or father. He is lazy, selfish and doesn't contribute his fair share financially.

You will struggle at first, but in the long run you and your children will be fine without him. You have a good, well paying job and he will need to pay child maintenance.

Speak to a solicitor. Men who are having affairs often blame their wives for driving them into another woman's arms due to lack of affection and sex. You only gave birth six months ago. It is natural to concentrate on your baby. He is blaming you and you should tell him to fuck off. Please don't feel guilty. You haven't done anything wrong, but he definitely has.

ShoeeMcfee · 30/08/2025 07:40

I recognise that feeling of relief, OP. Honestly, splitting up is difficult but the rewards are massive. Sending you best wishes x

Earthbound4 · 30/08/2025 07:41

Another self absorbed blubbering baby of a man.

How did you get to the stage of reproducing with this turd? 💩

LoudSnoringDog · 30/08/2025 07:42

Just read your other post and this one. Seriously your life will be better without this pathetic excuse for a human being.

NOTANUM · 30/08/2025 07:48

Your last point is the real one. It’s terrifying starting alone but the fact he won’t let you confide in your sister and his parents have been fed lies is the way this will continue.

As they say here in MN, get your ducks in a row while he’s infatuated with this new woman. Don’t waste energy on proof etc., he’s a bad ‘un anyhow. But he’s more likely to get out while he lusts over another woman (pig).

Bloatstoat · 30/08/2025 07:49

Iris10000 · 29/08/2025 22:54

I am not worried about myself. Financial side is a concern but my main worry is damaging the older DD. I am terrified that her mental health will be affected and that she will never witness a loving relationship and will not be able to build her own in future. This is the only reason why I wanted to work on things rather than split up but the decision has been made by DH. In his view divorce doesn’t affect young kids.

DH has been very friendly with a female work colleague and I saw messages popping up on his phone. He has also become obsessive about his mobile and would take it everywhere. There might be nothing there.

The more you share, the worse it all sounds. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it will be hard right now but so, so worth Iit in the long term.

Please don't worry about your DD (I know, you will anyway!) - what she is seeing with a marriage like this is not a good view of a relationship, you taking action to ensure you are treated well by someone you are supppose to be in partnership with IS a positive role model. Relationships ending is hard on everyone, particularly children, but sometimes staying isn't good either. My parents are still married, my dad has had significant addiction issues over the years, is abusive and absolutely not a good relationship model. It took me a long time and therapy to get to a place where I could have a healthy relationship. Friends of mine with divorced parents have often had a much better experience. Staying together is not a guarantee of her future happiness, and you matter too.

JayJayj · 30/08/2025 07:54

From your updates I would say he is cheating and trying to blame you.

Of course you won’t have been as affectionate, you had a baby 6 months ago. It’s difficult.

Has he made sure to do his share of childcare and cleaning so you could recharge and have something in you to give him? I bet the answer is no.

You can’t pour from an empty cup.

I am so angry on your behalf. He sounds like a selfish man