DH just said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore

[Iris10000]

I am feeling awful. DH has been short/sarcastic and generally not very nice with me recently. We have 6 month old baby and I know I have not made enough effort to be a wife and I admitted that to him (but I did so much for the household and kids that not much energy was left and I know that’s a poor excuse - see link below). I said I believe, with effort, we could build a good relationship again. We also have 4 year old DD. I asked him tonight to talk before he put his usual earphones in to watch football YouTube. He said he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He said I have not shown him affection since the arrival of the baby and driven him into depression. I feel totally crushed and in shock. Are there any resources I can access cheaply? I really don’t want to spend hundreds on counselling now knowing he will financially screw me over.

For context this was him few months ago and I was blind and didn’t see things were brewing: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5353978-to-expect-dh-to-support-me-financially-on-maternity-leave-and-increase-the-share-of-mental-load

PrancingBean

When my marriage ended, I was terrified. Had no idea how I would function. Now, quite a few years on, I have no idea why I thought I deserved such fuckery.

Op I’d guess this is kind of similar to most women and something most women should read. Do not blame yourself over this, this is either a mid life crisis, a breakdown, depression or he’s just a crazy (insert choice of bad word here). Putting one foot in front of another in any circumstances with kids that age is an amazing feat, and him doing this now is insane. I hope things work out for you, make sure you start concentrating on you and your kids, do nice things for yourself, listen to music, grab a magazine, have nice showers etc. Cry it out where you can and when they can’t see (I went to bathroom then put on concealer, lied about hayfever if it helps). I’m so sorry op x

By staying with him you’d be teaching your DD that this is the best she can expect from a man in her life. Would you really want your DD to marry a man exactly like her father and then accept the same treatment that you are?

I would get in there first and file for divorce. I don't see how the situation is going to get any better and it sounds like there's potential for some back and forth about whether to split up or not. If he's interested in another woman he may try to play you off against one another to stroke his ego.

I would confide in your sister as it sounds like she's got your back, hopefully she can help you find a good solicitor. Relate may have some useful resources for counselling if you do decide to divorce and how to handle co-parenting, explaining the situation to your kids.

Good luck, I'm sure your future will be much brighter without this self centred arsehole

staying together will be way more damaging to your kids than splitting (ask how I know). The marriage is dead - start looking forward xx

Oh op.
Im not going to advise you on what to do. Because deep down you know.

I left my ex when my boys were young, a bit older than your children though. I’m not going to say it wasn’t tough or hard for them but to stay together - (he wanted to) would have broken me and my children would have had an unhappy mum and that’s no way for them to grow up.
They are both young adults now with lovely girlfriends and they treat them well. I honestly think I did the best for them by leaving an unhappy relationship. They had me at my absolute best - happy and no tension in the house.
It was really hard but I got through. Emotionally and financially it’s not easy but I’m in a much better place now all these years on.
you cannot control his feelings only your own.
i hope you are ok. be strong for yourself and your children and lean on your friends and family, they will help you.

But a loving relationship is exactly what she isn't witnessing! Far better for her to witness her mother moving on with strength from a non-loving relationship imo. It sounds as though you will be much better without him, even if moving on is always initially hard.

@Iris10000 YABU to want to save this marriage. He is awful. You say about your eldest not seeing a loving relationship but do you really want them to see a man that walks all over you and treats you like shit?

Just tell him "Ok. When are you moving out?"

You'll be much happier without him.

“she will never witness a loving relationship…”

She’s not witnessing one now, though, is she? If he’s decided to nope out now that the realities of family life are becoming apparent, that’s on him. You have a chance to start again, build your own lovely life and show your daughter that she doesn’t have to settle for someone who doesn’t respect her or treat her well.

And maybe you’ll find someone to pattern a healthy loving romantic relationship with, maybe not, but either way she won’t grow up thinking your current relationship is the best she can hope for.

Sounds like you may be getting a lucky escape tbh.

I am terrified that her mental health will be affected and that she will never witness a loving relationship and will not be able to build her own in future.

But growing up with you together she won’t see that. She’ll see her mother ground into oblivion my a shitty man who disrespects her.

And I’ll be my house he’s having an affair.

You are clearly the main parent so I can’t imagine custody would be problematic. Get some legal advice and get separated. Clinging on to a dead relationship will make things worse.

Ohhhh
He's got someone else lined up to replace you but is trying to manipulate the narrative to make you the baddie who caused the breakdown of your marriage.
It's a story as old as time.

Make plans to be alone & principle carer of your children.
I doubt he'll want 50/50 custody - that would be far too much work for him. But you should push for every other weekend and at least one night during the week. You might think that being apart from your children will break you but, trust me, you will need that time for you.

He's a needy man baby. You have a small baby to look after but instead of stepping up and taking some of the load he wants more attention 😭
Did his mum treat him like a prince who could do no wrong? It's often the way with these types. Have never been taught to think about others because they've always been looked after by a woman and expect it to continue.
I promise you, your life will be so much easier without him in it, it's not like he contributes anything, just whinges about his needs.
I echo what other posters have said about you modelling good relationships to your DC. Now is your chance to teach them that they shouldn't put up with this behaviour. Yes there will be a period of adjustment and hopefully the man baby will step up with his own kids but I wouldn't count on it and that will be on him.

my main worry is damaging the older DD. I am terrified that her mental health will be affected and that she will never witness a loving relationship and will not be able to build her own in future.

Sad to say, OP, she is not witnessing a loving relationship at present. Your selfish, unloving, waste-of-space husband is giving your DC a bad example of what marriage should be. You will be doing them an immense favour by bringing them up as a single mum or, one day I hope, in a truly fair and loving relationship with someone better.

You are quite clearly more than capable of coping alone. He's a man child. Get rid of him - if he wants more attention, he can give it to himself instead of putting the burden on you. What a prat. Fwiw I had a partner like this too. Took me far to long to leave.

You are so right about his mum!

Let this be a warning to women with sons!