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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be getting a bit pissed off about people saying how sad it is to rely on MN for support?

88 replies

Flamesparrow · 31/05/2008 11:04

Tis a genuine query, not expecting everyone to back me up

I have seen a few times in the various suicide discussing threads how "sad" people find it that there are real bonds formed on MN.

I have no idea if they mean in a worrying weeping way or the way of that's so sad from when I was a teen.

Some people find rl relationships easy. Fabulous, turn to those people for support.

Some people however don't. Being around other people and talking about real feelings is, quite frankly, f*cking terrifying to some people.

I do have a rl and rl friends, but the bonds I have made with "strangers" online are much stronger than many of my rl friendships. One poster in particular I have "known" for nearly 5 years, we have never met, and yet if she was alone and in trouble, I would take out a loan to get to her.

Life has evolved. We no longer live in a society with extended families and a community feel. Most of us live little insular lives with very little in the way of that village style support system. With that evolution has come the world of online communities.

There is nothing sad about having friends you don't physically "know". Yes, people could be lying to you about who/what they are, but you know what, people lie in rl too.

I guess my point is, to those who log on for a bit of distanced chat, that is fine, it is your life and you want the physical relationships, but just because others are doing life a different way to you, it doesn't make it sad.

OP posts:
Piffle · 31/05/2008 13:43

I made a very good rl friend from a previous suicide thread. But for those of us isolated by our mental health or circumstances, online communities are vital for support.
antone not in need of it can call it sad, I call it immensely valuable at times. Luckily I speak retrospectively as I am fine now, but seeing others where I have been compels me to offer support to unknown people.

lou031205 · 31/05/2008 13:45

Support is fantastic on here, I agree. I'm not sure people are understanding that I don't have an issue with MN being used as support, or for advice, guidance, etc.

I just know that there could be a day when someone posts, even perhaps having known that MNers have really helped a previous poster in such a situation, and then when that help doesn't come, it could be tragic.

My relative had 'cried for help' many times. The coroner in her death inquiry, recorded an open verdict because he couldn't be sure that she intended to follow through. She may have tied the dressing gown cord, but thought twice, then slipped. We will never know.

What if someone was to take some pills, post on MN because they were sure someone would recognise them, and no-one does?

I know it is only hypothetical, but it is possible.

Psychomum5 · 31/05/2008 13:45

I also find that many of us, if we are lucky enough to have RL friends, also gravitate towards friends with similar 'mindset' to ours, as they are the people with whom we have most in commen.

it then means that we can become 'blinkered' (to use a word from OJ) in our outlooks, and sometimes quite horrible with it too, sad to say, so for that very reason, MN is invaluable, as it opens your mind to other points of view, and also, makes you see that your life is maybe not as tragic as you might think too!!!

onlyjoking9329 · 31/05/2008 13:47

the other thing is that in my situation, i cannot get out of the house 24/7 if i am really lucky i get to go to the chemist to pick up steves drugs, i have to go as i have to sign for the morphine. imagine how you would feel if you never went out and you were no longer able to converse with your DH, it is good to talk and on MSN & MN there is always someone to talk to.

LyraSilvertongue · 31/05/2008 13:47

FAQ, I didn't mean necessarily in the evening. There are lots of ways to make friends during the day.
I don't make friends easily, it's always taken me ages when I've moved to a new area so I know how hard it is. But you have to make the effort if you don't want to be completely isolated.

lou031205 · 31/05/2008 13:49

But OJ, you are not asking MNers to tell you what to do in a real-time scenario. I have hung on your thread the last few days, I prayed for you last night, and you were the first person I thought of this morning. Yet we have never talked on here.

My issue is with REAL-TIME threads, which require an immediate response which will affect someone's course of action.

lou031205 · 31/05/2008 13:50

OJ, have just read your last post, I hope you will see from mine that I am not talking about everyday threads/ posts, or support threads. Just those which could have tragic outcomes if the responses aren't right, or action is not what was expected.

PeachyWontLieToYou · 31/05/2008 13:55

I have a few RL friends but my life makes it hard- dh being out in the evenings, Sn ds's, being far away from fasmily. Those friends I have are those I amde many years- even deades ago. When I had a life.

I make friends, but my lack of ability to go out often, or get together in the evenings when other people are free, often scuppers them. I'm also a bit phone phobic- totally awful at making calls, and if I do ds4 screeches or ds1 kicks off after it rings and so I end up hanging up.

So I often rely on MN for support. And I dont feel abd about it, becuase I also try to give lots of support back.

I would cope without MN, but I'd be seriously worse off I think.

FAQ · 31/05/2008 13:56

yes but even in the day it can be hard. Before I moved to the house I'm in now I dragged myself to several toddler groups every week, went to the soft play etc, all sorts - but never made a single friend from it.....

LyraSilvertongue · 31/05/2008 13:59

I know FAQ, I've been there too.
I had no friends when we moved here and I felt isolated for ages. But I made a big effort, invited people back to our for playdates and gradually started making some friends. it takes an effort but it can be done, even by someone shy like me.

LyraSilvertongue · 31/05/2008 14:00

Peachy, I'm not greaty on the phone either. i can't understand why some women spend hours in the evenings gabbing on the phone.

PeachyWontLieToYou · 31/05/2008 14:02

oh i know faq
its just that in my life, people i know are usually out in the day so want to sociaslise when h is at work

even if someone willing to cope with ds's, lack of car as he needs it, blows that.

FAQ · 31/05/2008 14:03

I was isolated here for about 5yrs - despite inviting people over etc etc.

And I'm not "shy" - in fact I never bloody shut up and will talk to anyone!!!! I just find it very hard to make friends.

lou031205 · 31/05/2008 14:06

Thank you dittany. My brother, I fear, will not get over his loss. He will move on, but I doubt he will have another relationship. He was only 26

Lizzylou · 31/05/2008 14:08

I don't think it is sad to rely on MN.
I have felt the loneliest I have ever felt in the past few years since I became a Mother. There are some very caring and helpful posters here.
I have been here since 2005 and have yet to feel "part of MN", feel like a newbie really as I dip in and out of MN. But I often feel moved by people's situations and learn from others' experiences.

hunkermunker · 31/05/2008 14:09

I think it's sad that people limit themselves to geographically close friends, actually.

I love having friends all over the country - people I'd never have met otherwise, but who share my values, my sense of humour and who I know I could ring for a chat or email if I have a question I know they can answer.

I have loads of RL friends too - I don't find it hard to make friends - I do find it hard to find time to see them all though!

FAQ · 31/05/2008 14:14

"I do find it hard to find time to see them all though!"

I bet you were always the most popular girl in the class at school weren't you

spicemonster · 31/05/2008 14:21

I'm a single parent and I honestly think that I would have gone mad if it hadn't been for the fact that I can interact with other people over the internet. I am not keen on talking on the phone so being able to chat (or even just read what other people are posting) is brilliant.

I have loads of RL friends (and was never the most popular girl in the class ) but I can't go out in the evenings very often.

I think MN is better than watching telly - at least you're participating and not sitting passively consuming.

hunkermunker · 31/05/2008 14:24

Popular enough on the surface - but never let anyone close. Nobody knew the "real" me - I was too quirky and self-aware to let anyone in.

I also work a lot now so I only have two days a week in which to see everyone and do all the chores, which means I am often booking months ahead to make time to see the people I want to see (August still OK? ).

FAQ · 31/05/2008 14:26

August fine - but not first week I'm in Great Yarmouth with ShelleyLou that week

hunkermunker · 31/05/2008 14:27
Grin
anorak · 31/05/2008 14:27

I started this thread to prove that mumsnetters are actually real people...

FAQ · 31/05/2008 14:29

anorak - all that thread proves is that a lot of MN'ers are just very weird people

UniversallyChallenged · 31/05/2008 14:31

Mums have always felt lonely/alone at times - when you think of all those women who resorted to a "lunchtime sherry" in the 60s/70s (are you reading this mum ) to cope with their lives. At least now we have a forum to put our angst and communication with real people in similar situations.

FAQ · 31/05/2008 14:33

or should I say it just proves that lots of MN'ers are pissheads

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