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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be getting a bit pissed off about people saying how sad it is to rely on MN for support?

88 replies

Flamesparrow · 31/05/2008 11:04

Tis a genuine query, not expecting everyone to back me up

I have seen a few times in the various suicide discussing threads how "sad" people find it that there are real bonds formed on MN.

I have no idea if they mean in a worrying weeping way or the way of that's so sad from when I was a teen.

Some people find rl relationships easy. Fabulous, turn to those people for support.

Some people however don't. Being around other people and talking about real feelings is, quite frankly, f*cking terrifying to some people.

I do have a rl and rl friends, but the bonds I have made with "strangers" online are much stronger than many of my rl friendships. One poster in particular I have "known" for nearly 5 years, we have never met, and yet if she was alone and in trouble, I would take out a loan to get to her.

Life has evolved. We no longer live in a society with extended families and a community feel. Most of us live little insular lives with very little in the way of that village style support system. With that evolution has come the world of online communities.

There is nothing sad about having friends you don't physically "know". Yes, people could be lying to you about who/what they are, but you know what, people lie in rl too.

I guess my point is, to those who log on for a bit of distanced chat, that is fine, it is your life and you want the physical relationships, but just because others are doing life a different way to you, it doesn't make it sad.

OP posts:

soapbox · 31/05/2008 12:54

I think it depends on how you use mn.

For some people it seems to suck them away from RL - so much so that their perception of RL changes. The internet is a much lazier form of communication - bored with the conversation or not hearing what you want to hear - well there is always another thread or person around to talk to. RL involves much more persistence and more compromise in views and more tactfully put responses!

If you use MN to complement RL then that is fine, if you use it as a replacement for RL then I think it is time to prise yourself away and make some RL friends.

meridian · 31/05/2008 13:11

I think internet friendships, via mumsnet or other chat mediums can be very meaningful. I know so becuse I met my best friend on an WBS chat forum 12 years ago, and He and I have been married for 7 years.
I am quite intraverted at times, and find that it is sometimes easier to express my thoughts and feelings through my computer... I had a bout of depression 2 years ago and Mumsnet and some fabuolous ladies helped me to blither on about it and see that it wasn't so bad to be on ADs.

THe ladies of the Arts and crafts thread have opened my eyes and helped me bring a piece of my self back, that I could do more than just being a SAHM. I have a small etsy shop and have taken commisions for my jewellery and art work, small time yes but the support and friendship of mumsnetters has helped me to reclaim a bit of my craftyness as it were.

Also I'm American and though I have been here for 10 years I still find it very tough to make friends easily and don't always feel I fit in properly, i'm not very outgoing, and being on here is a way to connect with people I might not know otherwise...

maidamess · 31/05/2008 13:14

Well said dittany

lou031205 · 31/05/2008 13:16

Flamesparrow, I started a thread last night that you may be referring to. First of all, I want to apologise for the offense it has obviously caused you.

I would never call anyone 'sad' for using MN for support. What I was getting at is what you said in your post

By Flamesparrow on Sat 31-May-08 11:21:51
I do find it very sad that rl has become so insular/segregated/i dunno the word I want I want supportive rl communities back....

This is exactly my point for posting. I acknowledged that I realise that for some people, real relationships have followed from their posts on MN.

BUT I still stand by my thoughts that I think it is sad that for some people, an internet forum is their first, and perhaps only, point of call in a crisis.

As someone who is socially shy myself, I know that it can be hard to reach out in RL. But imagine being one of those people who think of themselves as 'thread killers', because they either haven't got an established persona on MN, or their handle isn't memorable.

Yeah, everyone knows Cod, Lulamumma, Marslady, etc, but what about others? What if one of those had only MN as their support network, and the only people on-line at their time of need were visciously caustic.

No-one on the MN community has an obligation to any other. In fact, although some have established relationships outside of MN, anyone can name-change at will. That is a very fragile existence.

I was just expressing my genuine concern as to the extent an internet forum can be relied on in the general sense.

I reiterate, if it IS the biggest form of support for an individual, I would have a thread a day or more, to save a life, I really would. But, I do believe it is sad, and shouldn't be. Perhaps it just indicates what our society has become.

Mamazon · 31/05/2008 13:16

When i first got my pc i thought people who were into these chat room things were sad.

but i use MN to offload all the crap in my life that i wouldn't feel comfortable discussing in real life.
i know i am going to get honest, ubiased and reasoned advice from people from vairous standpoints and levels of experiance.

Admitedly i haven't made any close RL relationships with anyone from MN, but that has been my choice. however there are a couple of ladies here whom i would consider a friend.

lucyellensmum · 31/05/2008 13:20

I am fascinated by the internet chat thingy. I have a "friend" who i chat to over the internet. It is chat full of sexual innuendo, or sometimes we bypass the innuendo. He is MUCH older than me and i will never ever meet him in real life. But i do consider this person a friend and tell him loads of personal stuff, he is like a buffer. I am willing to bet that if i met him in RL i would think him a bit of a wally!

As for the support i get on Mnet - its funny, sometimes i think Mnet is just a voice box for my own emotions and worries and that i am not talking to real people, a bit like my "friend", but then you have people like OJ who has i am sure touched all of our hearts and we realise how real this all is. It would certainly be sad indeed to remove the support people have reached out for, because it is not considered "real".

copingvquietly · 31/05/2008 13:20

if i didnt have mn i would be totally lost right now.am i sad then?it must be great to have loads of people to turn to during your day.i dont have that.its not my fault.

tiredemma · 31/05/2008 13:23

Copingvquietly- I think that it was meant in the way that it is sad if you dont have RL support/friendships- not that you are sad- do you understand what I mean?

lou031205 · 31/05/2008 13:23

Copingvquietly, I say it again. I do not think YOU are sad, I think IT is sad that society has become so isolating that people don't have a community to turn to.

Also, my specific issue is not with general or even specific support. I just get worried when I see 'live crisis' threads, which will have a catastrophic impact if handled badly, such as potential critical illness, or impending suicide attempts.

LyraSilvertongue · 31/05/2008 13:28

I think it's sad if your only friends are on MN. Then you really need to shut down the computer and go out and start having a real life.
It's not sad at all to have friends on here in addition to real life friends. I've got four good friends on here and I'd hate to lose touch.

copingvquietly · 31/05/2008 13:29

ok sorry i get it now.im very tired.sorry

dittany · 31/05/2008 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyraSilvertongue · 31/05/2008 13:31

Lucyellensmum, is that a good idea? Does you DP mind?

lucyellensmum · 31/05/2008 13:32

then should we not be happy that there is now another medium that people can turn to for support, where before they would be left stranded.

If only we all lead perfectly happy lives that didn't need us in need of support. I think emotional problems make people uncomfortable, so you might not want to tell your friends as you would worry they would perceive you differently. MN is as anonymous as posters want it to be and that is a great safety net.

dittany · 31/05/2008 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucyellensmum · 31/05/2008 13:33

Lyra - My DP is fully aware of it and i often ask this person for business advice and relay it to DP. If i felt i couldnt tell DP about it, i wouldnt do it.

lou031205 · 31/05/2008 13:33

CVQ - I'm glad you understand what I mean, even if you don't agree, because I would hate anyone to think that they are being called sad .

Psychomum5 · 31/05/2008 13:35

I honestly think that until we walk a mile in the shoes of some of the women here, who are in such need as to use MN as their primary support, we really should not knock them.

judge not lest ye be judged, so I read in a very good book, this morning in fact at footy!

I am lucky that I find it rather easy to make friends.....far too chatty at times in fact, but I could not knock MN for the suport it gave me two years back when I needed it.....I am however very sorry that some women find this their only form of support.......but in a sorrowful way rather than the 'sad' teenage way flame refers to.

some women find it extremely hard to trust people in real life, and also, real life is just not there 100% of the time.....MN is however....there seems to be at least one person online all the time....maybe not a caring person sometimes, but at least, a voice to answer if you are that low in the middle of the night that you just need to 'hear' someone else.

Pan · 31/05/2008 13:36

I arrived here after googling 'highly sensitive children', and got alot of understanding and illumination on that first thread of mine. esp. jabberwocky. Got other advice re dd on schooling, swearing (others not her), carrying on shoulders, 'difficult' friends of her's and lots of other stuff I'v forgotten about.

No, not sad. We live in a highly devisive and impersonal world in lots of ways compared to yesteryear and MN and other forums are a sort of adjunct to a deconstruction of how we live.
agree with soapbox though re balance twix RL and MN.

lou031205 · 31/05/2008 13:36

dittany, I agree, and I was so glad that somebody did rally round, who could. I just think that it is a bit scary that you can have 50 or 60 helpless strangers watching with baited breath the decision making process of a suicidal individual.

I speak as one who has one relative who committed suicide, and one that I got to in time.

FAQ · 31/05/2008 13:37

"Then you really need to shut down the computer and go out and start having a real life."

Sadly for many that's easier said than done. Single parents, or those who have DP/H's who work odd hours meaning that going out in the evening is hard, especially if they don't know anyone to babysit - bit of vicious circle - they can't go out as they don't anyone to look after the children, but they probably need to go out to meet people who would be happy to babysit.

Psychomum5 · 31/05/2008 13:38

oh god.....flame didn;t mean it being 'sad' in the teenage way, she wrote it like that as part of her post........I worte wrongly there......sorry

lou031205 · 31/05/2008 13:38

Psychomum5, that is an excellent book, and I would not want to be seen to be sitting in judgement. One of the reasons I posted my thread in chat, so that I could get opinions to help me work out what the issue is, but the thread will disappear in 90 days.

dittany · 31/05/2008 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onlyjoking9329 · 31/05/2008 13:41

as one who has relied on MN for support i am not sure its sad, thing is you see i do have lots of real life mates who are very supportive and always will be, but because they are closely involved with our family they have there own emotions and feelings about stuff and there are lots of things that i don't want to tell them cos i know it would upset them. my mates go got bed at night when i am awake and i know they say ring me anytime, i just wouldn't. i use mumsnet as a sounding board and to think out loud, you see i can talk one to one to a mate and just get the one view, which would most likely agree with whatever i said, but come on mumsnet and people are happy to give different view points and i value that cos i don't want to be blinkered.
MN is truely amazing ,am i sad?

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