Am I being oversensitive?

[DandyDenimScroller]

Massive backstory so as not to drip feed.
DH brother and his now wife do not like me, the reason being because dh sent BIL a pic of me in a dress showing off that he had a girlfriend. SIL thought it was me messaging her DP and upon first meeting was outright rude and we had an argument.
Myself and DH tried to fix it as MIL was upset .
Went to a restaurant, paid for them and their 2 kids and thought everything was fine and we could be atleast civil.
Went on holiday all together paid for by FIL and it was awful. They were rude and stayed away from us and I couldn't wait to go home.

On our wedding day she wore black and I tried hard to include them. In the end I wish I hadn't bothered so much trying to make them happy on OUR wedding day.
Lots of other things but at the moment I'm in the car (passenger) typing on my phone.
In the end I just couldn't be bothered with them and stayed out their way to keep them happy and hadn't seen them since their wedding day 1 year ago.
We are on our way home from our yearly holiday with PIL and they stayed in a local pub for 2 days (their kids stayed with the rest of us and so they could play with our DD)

My father passed away a week ago and they said nothing about it. No, sorry for your loss or anything like that.
FIL mentioned my dads order of service in front of MIL and them and still they said nothing. I was left alone with BIL and had to start a conversation otherwise I would probably have been moaned at to MIL.Mentioned I'd got a job as DD is old enough and starting school. Said it was to help my mum with house costs if any and still nothing.

When saying goodbye I said to FIL I appreciated what he was trying to do when he mentioned about my dad but it's obviously not going to happen (a friendship) between bil and sil. But now I'm second guessing Myself that I'm being oversensitive. AIBU? Didn't really help that both their children said I was evil (for no apparent reason) but they are 7 and 10 but still.

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. I can imagine it may make you feel rawer about minor things. To be honest, it all sounds like a storm in a teacup. You’re only in one another’s’ lives by pure chance, Thetes no particular reason why you need to like one another. Just don’t engage.

Yes this is what I'm thinking but it's to keep the peace for MIL. But regardless of any bad feelings I'd have said I'm so sorry to hear about your parent.

Your husband should be doing ALOT more to smooth this all over.

Sorry for the loss of your dad.

He just says I shouldn't worry about them and to just ignore them and that we shouldn't upset his mum which is fair enough. I have said though any future holidays and they go I'm not going at all. His brother has a temper and we don't want to set him off as "you know how he gets".

They sound like awful people. I can't see how all this can still be from the photo of you your DH sent to his brother, I'm betting they would have found any other reason to not like you.

So based on everything you've said, her wearing black to your wedding, obviously speaking badly of you in front on their DCs etc it's no surprise they didn't acknowledge your loss.

They are nasty, unpleasant people behaving how nasty unpleasant people behave.

Disengage, grey rock, live your lives without even thinking about them.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

She thought it was me messaging her DH and flirting with a man in a relationship with 2 children. I accept we will.never be best friends but I feel this is the final straw and I'm fed up of having to be the bigger person all the time for the sake of MIL and FIL. I don't know that they have spoken badly to their dc about me but their kids are wishywashy with me. Some days they were OK but other times would ignore me. Myself and their younger dc were talking I can't remember what about but he said something about heaven and I said yes if you believe in jesus you go to heaven, he then said you won't go to heaven as you're evil. When I asked why he thought that, he just said you just are and couldn't/wouldn't give a reason as to why. This was after I bought them both an ice cream of their choosing but hey they're kids. For the rest of the holiday I stayed out their way and didn't engage with them unless they did which I'm not sure was the right thing to do but I was passed caring by then.

What hurts the most is that they are so lovely with our DD but can't be civil to her mum. But I guess they do that to annoy me.

What exactly does keeping the peace for MIL entail?
Because from reading your posts it seems like acting like a doormat and you’re the only one who’s bothered about trying to keep the peace. BIL and SIL don’t care.
Stop making the effort, stop starting a conversation. Stop tolerating rudeness from children. Sit there in silence, or, better yet, let mil start the conversation if she’s so worried about people needing to talk.

I’d also reconsider whole family get togethers or holidays. It’s not enjoyable for anyone and hardly a positive family relationship to model to your children. Tell mil that she needs to have a strong word to BIL and SIL, if they wish to commit to a fresh start then you and DH would be open to that, otherwise, going forward it’s best to have separate family get togethers.

Your husband is enabling this behaviour and his parents too.

I would take a massive step back froM it all.

I’m sorry about your dad.

It seems a massive overreaction to still be behaving like this off the back of a mistake with a picture. I suspect that you just aren’t compatible as friends but they should still have the manners and decency to be civil to you. Clearly they aren’t, so I just wouldn’t bother with them or expect anything from them. That way they won’t be able to hurt you further by not acknowledging the important things that happen to you.

SIL is very strict and before they were married, MIL and FIL were worried about any fall outs incase she stopped them from seeing their kids. BIL would at times call in tears and they would say that they don't know why he doesn't just leave her. They had their children very young and PIL say she did it to trap him.

Will, so would i. I said it to our awful next-door neighbour with whom we are in an extension-related feud of his making when he lost his mother. But some people can’t cope with death at all, and have no idea what to say, so ignore it, or are terrified to mention it in case it ‘upsets’ you.

I’m sorry for your loss and I’m say this quite frankly with you.
they treat you like shit because you allow them to. Why on earth are you running after and begging for people to speak to you when they treat you SO badly. And why are you pandering to your pathetic MiL trying not to ‘upset’ her when she’s behaving just as bad as them.
Aren’t you even angry that they have the audacity to not even utter a word of sympathy for your loss?
Their kids are also awful but clearly have learnt from their parents, you want kids who call you evil to be around your kids?
these children are watching you being ignored and they will treat you the same as well.

Stop being such a doormat in your own life. You don’t need to accept being treated like absolute garbage. You don’t need to do it for poor old MIL sake. They ALL clearly don’t have a problem with treating YOU like this.

We had this with my own BIL. And I went NC, dh backed me up.
he was furious that BiL treated me badly. I know the type of people they are. Ignoring them won’t work, they will find other ways to treat you badly.

Just stop being a doormat.

Tell your husband you’re done with their bollocks and you’re not seeing any of them anymore.

He can contort himself all he wants but you aren’t.

Which is all very sad and frightening for MIL and FIL, I’m sure. However, it’s not your problem and it’s not your job to solve it for them.

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/8v8a0y/dontrocktheboat/

Everyone has become so scared of rocking the boat that they have become boat steadiers (see above link). You need to save yourself, and your immediate family and leave them to it.

SIL is batshit - there is no reasoning with her, nothing you do will ever be enough and she is raising her kids to treat you poorly which is no example for your children to see and I have to wonder how long before they treat your children poorly?

Don’t be a boat steadier!!

Yes I am angry but I wasn't sure if it was because of the fact I'm grieving. MIL is lovely for the most part but just wants an easy life.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Can you see how that statement of MIL is problematic? I'm sure he was fully complicit and willing in the creating of his children.

Is your MIL really made happy by you sacrificing yourself for your psycho SIL?
Either way, the solution is the same: extricate yourself.

No, your MIL isn’t lovely. She’s happy to sit back and participate in people treating you badly.
whats the difference between you and your SIL? You are both IL to the family, you both have children, why is she top of the pecking order? Please start standing up for yourself - and it should start with your useless husband.

Sorry for your loss.
I'm just very confused that this has all come from a text sent by your husband? Either there is more to this or she's a bit delusional.

Surely she can see that the photo came from your husband's phone? I wouldn't have taken them out to dinner to apologise for her delusions.

I think they're a lost cause I'm afraid. She sounds a bit out of touch with reality.

And also, even if there was a misunderstanding (though again, hard to see how it arose), surely once your DH had explained, everyone involved would just apologise and laugh about it being ridiculous.

Admittedly, sending your brother a photo to prove you have a girlfriend is the kind of thing a 14 year old might do, rather than an adult man.

Thanks all. I have sent a message to MIL saying that their lack of acknowledgement has cemented it for me and I will no longer attend any family get togethers and it's just better to keep them happy and for me to keep my peace. I said I didn't appreciate their kids calling me evil but my DH says they're kids they don't know any better. Bit weird really as I've just remembered yesterday the eldest found an amazon tablet in the bushes of a playground and has taken it for himself. Theft is ok it seems to inlaws and the kids parents 🤣 she hasn't replied yet but they are probably still on their way home.

In regards to the picture of me being sent. DH was 23 and I was his first and only girlfriend and tbh we can't remember if it was his phone or mine we sent the pic from. We were just messing around being silly on lunch break at work and obviously the winding his brother up too far which I fully accept hence the grovelling.

So sorry about your dad, OP. To not comfort you with words at least at such a painful time for you was incredibly unkind of them.

I think the only thing you can do is remain civil but detached at family gatherings.

Firstly, sorry for the loss of your dad OP.

I don't think you're being oversensitive, but I think you need to ask for more support from your DH. It sounds as if you're largely trying to cope alone with the problematic dynamic of his family - no wonder you're self-doubting and second guessing.

She's seen my message but not replied. Not surprised really as he is PFB but she could still be sorting things out from holiday. Oh well. I'm quite happy to be the villain in this narrative if it helps them feel better about themselves.