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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being oversensitive?

67 replies

DandyDenimScroller · 29/08/2025 09:06

Massive backstory so as not to drip feed.
DH brother and his now wife do not like me, the reason being because dh sent BIL a pic of me in a dress showing off that he had a girlfriend. SIL thought it was me messaging her DP and upon first meeting was outright rude and we had an argument.
Myself and DH tried to fix it as MIL was upset .
Went to a restaurant, paid for them and their 2 kids and thought everything was fine and we could be atleast civil.
Went on holiday all together paid for by FIL and it was awful. They were rude and stayed away from us and I couldn't wait to go home.

On our wedding day she wore black and I tried hard to include them. In the end I wish I hadn't bothered so much trying to make them happy on OUR wedding day.
Lots of other things but at the moment I'm in the car (passenger) typing on my phone.
In the end I just couldn't be bothered with them and stayed out their way to keep them happy and hadn't seen them since their wedding day 1 year ago.
We are on our way home from our yearly holiday with PIL and they stayed in a local pub for 2 days (their kids stayed with the rest of us and so they could play with our DD)

My father passed away a week ago and they said nothing about it. No, sorry for your loss or anything like that.
FIL mentioned my dads order of service in front of MIL and them and still they said nothing. I was left alone with BIL and had to start a conversation otherwise I would probably have been moaned at to MIL.Mentioned I'd got a job as DD is old enough and starting school. Said it was to help my mum with house costs if any and still nothing.

When saying goodbye I said to FIL I appreciated what he was trying to do when he mentioned about my dad but it's obviously not going to happen (a friendship) between bil and sil. But now I'm second guessing Myself that I'm being oversensitive. AIBU? Didn't really help that both their children said I was evil (for no apparent reason) but they are 7 and 10 but still.

OP posts:
Original poster
DandyDenimScroller · 29/08/2025 14:07

DH just tells me to ignore them and not give them any headspace which is easier said than done. And to just do what they do an ignore them, which I have done previously. Any time I think I'm getting somewhere with them they go back two steps and I just can't be bothered with them at all now.

OP posts:
Original poster
DandyDenimScroller · 29/08/2025 17:07

MIL has replied simply saying this is all very sad I can't really say anything else.

Well she could have told her pfb to not be a cunt but hey.

OP posts:
noidea69 · 29/08/2025 17:11

she sounds delightful.

How was the initial issue not smoothed out?

Cynic17 · 29/08/2025 17:25

I'm sorry about your bereavement, OP.

So your brother in law and his wife don't like you - so what? Why does it matter to you? I'm pretty sure you don't. Ike them much, either. I'm also sure many of us could say the same - or that we don't like our in laws. It makes no difference to our real lives - it's not necessary to see them very often and, if you do, just be civil and keep conversation bland. It's simply not possible go like everyone we meet in life - just concentrate on your friends and the people who really matter to you.

Crazycrazyfrog · 30/08/2025 00:01

DandyDenimScroller · 29/08/2025 17:07

MIL has replied simply saying this is all very sad I can't really say anything else.

Well she could have told her pfb to not be a cunt but hey.

If I were in your shoes, I’d count this reply as a win. You know she favors BIL, you know her desire is for one big happy family (even if it’s an illusion, even if it’s reliant on you all laying flatter than a doormat to enable it to happen) - but her text says it’s sad (factual) and she doesn’t go on to beg or guilt you back into your door mat role (yet).
I agree that it’s lacking any acknowledgment of the real issue (SIL and BIL) or and action that she plans to take to fix it but that was and is probably never going to happen. That’s just not who she is and she’s not likely to change now after one text from you.

CutiePieOk · 30/08/2025 00:04

You need to step back from them and live your life your way.
they are not very nice and have shown that
dont give them anymore headspace
at Family events be polite but that's it

CutiePieOk · 30/08/2025 00:04

You need to step back from them and live your life your way.
they are not very nice and have shown that
dont give them anymore headspace
at Family events be polite but that's it

Original poster
DandyDenimScroller · 30/08/2025 07:50

noidea69 · 29/08/2025 17:11

she sounds delightful.

How was the initial issue not smoothed out?

Well I thought it was when we took them out to the restaurant. But then I remember sil made a comment about my age as I'm older than dh then we had to go.on holiday with them and they were just awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
DandyDenimScroller · 30/08/2025 09:44

I'm so fucking angry now. Why the fuck does MIL allow her bratty kid and bratty grandchildren to be such vile cunts. As far as I'm concerned they're dead to me now.

OP posts:
Original poster
DandyDenimScroller · 30/08/2025 10:15

I want to divorce DH because of this but he refuses to leave and if he does he will take dd with him and use my mental health issues against me. So now effectively I'm trapped.

OP posts:
Original poster
DandyDenimScroller · 30/08/2025 18:36

Dh is going to speak to his parents tomorrow

OP posts:
Original poster
DandyDenimScroller · 02/09/2025 08:35

Well it gets better. BIL insists he said sorry about that when we were alone talking. And has counter attacked with apparently me saying something to their youngest child about his parents that has really upset him. MIL is sticking with BIL narrative so whatever we say will be denied as truth as PFB can do no wrong. My DH has given it some thought and now realises they are not nice people at all, but will speak with MIL to find out what I have allegedly said to their son.

OP posts:
KimHwn · 02/09/2025 08:47

This is all unnecessary drama, OP. They have all- your BIL and SIL, your ILs, and also your spineless DH- have treated you terribly for years and years. It's shocking. Let them argue between them about who said what, but disengage. Draw a line in the sand. No more engagement, no more messaging.
I'm so so sorry about your Dad. They were arseholes not to acknowledge it. I do think that maybe you are directing your frustration and grief at this situation a bit, maybe. Losing a parent is horrible, horrible, and it often happens that we focus on other people's bad behaviour and obsess about it a bit because it's easier than living in our grief. I'm not saying that you're overreacting- in fact, I think you've been underreacting until now- but shift your focus from this. They're not worth it.

Well1mBack · 02/09/2025 09:15

You're in the angry stage of grief and have been keeping the peace with these horrible people for years and this is clearly the straw that's broken the camels back.

However, please just focus on your grief for your dad (I'm so sorry btw) and concentrate on yourself, your own family and supporting your mum. I think from what you said it's not entirely unexpected that bil and sil would deny their behaviour towards you to his mum, especially if he is PFB and can do no wrong. She's always going to choose him so there's no point in trying to persuade her. Just go grey rock, don't engage, don't ask after them in your PILs presence, don't let your child engage, stick to your own wee family unit and look after yourself.

I totally understand the desire to burn all bridges now and go on a total rage but it's better not to let them take up the headspace. I say this as someone with grief who also went through this with a family member, a shitty one at that. Grey rock grey rock grey rock. X

Original poster
DandyDenimScroller · 09/11/2025 16:26

UPDATE FOR ANY OF THOSE WHO CARE!

Trying to not be outing but idgaf.
Nasty Bil and Sil (assuming it's down to sil being a bossy cow who always has to get her own way) have moved into their first bought home together and it's all gone tits up. No heating or lights, broken stuff and need a lot of repairs. On top of that their car (MIL old one) which they were supposed to have paid for but that never happened has broken and another huge bill. Guessing she wanted to move in straight away before Christmas but anyway, bil is stressed and moody.
DH was told by MIL on their weekly video calls to not make any comments that could set bil off. I shouted out in the background " yeah dh, you know how bil can dish it out but can't take it ".

Anyway they have both got their karma in the form of their old shitty house and 'paid for car' that need repairing, although me and dh know that FIL will no doubt pay for most of it.
For those of you who haven't RTFT I don't care if I sound like a nasty bitch. Those 2 and their bratty kids have been utter cunts to me. MIL and rest of the family may not stand up to this intolerable cry baby and his bitch of a wife but now after everything I don't care.

MIL blocked me briefly but I would say the relationship now is a lot cooler than it was before. I used to message her most days, but now I don't.

OP posts:
moderate · 10/11/2025 15:42

DandyDenimScroller · 09/11/2025 16:26

UPDATE FOR ANY OF THOSE WHO CARE!

Trying to not be outing but idgaf.
Nasty Bil and Sil (assuming it's down to sil being a bossy cow who always has to get her own way) have moved into their first bought home together and it's all gone tits up. No heating or lights, broken stuff and need a lot of repairs. On top of that their car (MIL old one) which they were supposed to have paid for but that never happened has broken and another huge bill. Guessing she wanted to move in straight away before Christmas but anyway, bil is stressed and moody.
DH was told by MIL on their weekly video calls to not make any comments that could set bil off. I shouted out in the background " yeah dh, you know how bil can dish it out but can't take it ".

Anyway they have both got their karma in the form of their old shitty house and 'paid for car' that need repairing, although me and dh know that FIL will no doubt pay for most of it.
For those of you who haven't RTFT I don't care if I sound like a nasty bitch. Those 2 and their bratty kids have been utter cunts to me. MIL and rest of the family may not stand up to this intolerable cry baby and his bitch of a wife but now after everything I don't care.

MIL blocked me briefly but I would say the relationship now is a lot cooler than it was before. I used to message her most days, but now I don't.

Previously you felt trapped by DH. Do you still feel that way?

ldnmusic87 · 10/11/2025 15:47

Just ignore them in the future, what an overreaction they had.

101WaysToFail · 10/11/2025 16:01

Welp, this is a lot of angst for someone who apparently dgaf. You sound unhinged OP!

Original poster
DandyDenimScroller · 11/11/2025 07:41

101WaysToFail · 10/11/2025 16:01

Welp, this is a lot of angst for someone who apparently dgaf. You sound unhinged OP!

You would too if you had to put up with all that from those two pricks.

OP posts:
Original poster
DandyDenimScroller · 11/11/2025 07:45

moderate · 10/11/2025 15:42

Previously you felt trapped by DH. Do you still feel that way?

Show quote history

DH is very much on his mums side as he doesn't want her upset. I just don't care anymore. I'm still not sure what will happen for Christmas day as there was talk of the cunts going for Christmas day as they don't have an oven. Tbh as it's my first Christmas time without dad then I'm quite happy to stay at home with mum and my sister and nephew. However dh wants to see his parents and if they're there then our ds should see his cousins as they are nice to him.

OP posts:
Goditsmemargaret · 11/11/2025 07:48

You're dead right OP but I'd have nothing to do with any of them. I was supportive and generous to my ILs then when my parents died they didn't as much as send me a text or a card or say anything when I saw them. I'm done with them. Horrible people.

BeenThereBackThen · 11/11/2025 07:52

Wait, so all of this is because your DH sent his brother a picture of you in a dress?

What?…

Did he make it 100% clear to both brother and SIL it was him sending it, not you?

They both sound unhinged tbh. Unless there is more to the story, these people sound like they have some serious issues and it’s nothing to do with you.

Is DH family quite toxic overall, tbh it doesnt sound like it, so it’s just BIL and his wife.

Do you live far enough to ignore them and not engage apart from when totally unavoidable? I’d do that. Who needs this crap.

Zempy · 11/11/2025 07:58

Yeah, I still think you have a DH problem…

Fuckish · 11/11/2025 07:59

OP, you sound totally unhinged — kindly, as you refer to MH issues and problems in your marriage, seek some support. I’m very sorry you lost your dad, but your level of rage and malicious pleasure that their new house has major problems is off the scale for what sounds like a personality clash and a rather ludicrous misunderstanding about a text years ago.

BeenThereBackThen · 11/11/2025 08:02

Well, i don’t think OP sounds unhinged. She sounds like someone who’s utterly fed up with being treated like shit, for
no reason and is not giving a crap anymore.

Good on her.