To have gone from a people-pleaser to the complete opposite

[Coffeeicedcake]

For all of my life, I've tried to fall in with what others want, keep everyone happy, not rock the boat etc - until now, in my early 50s, it's like I've had a personality change. I speak my mind more, suit myself more and what I actually want. I think I used to want to be liked... now, I couldn't care less, although I'm still pleasant and polite to others.

Anyone else have a personality makeover like this?

Agree, or justify it . Just state the facts, what age does and how she reacts is all on her, you can’t predict or control that. You arent there to manage her emotions.

Think menopause and hormones play a part. Something to do with dwindling oestrogen and a corresponding lack of nurturing instinct. For me, it's also simply just getting older and not having as much time left as I've already had. It has to be about me and what I want to prioritise. I'm with you. Don't really care what people think, especially when those people are rightly focused on their own lives and probably don't think about you much at all. Enjoy yourself.

"My field of fucks lies fallow". Priceless! Has made my day and I'll quote you everywhere.

Me too. It started in my 40s, escalated during menopause and now I'm in my early 60s, I have no fucks left to give. It's liberating!

My fucks ran out at about 40.
I also no longer provide "reminder services".
Birthdays, medicine taking, "remind me to call blah blah when we get home" 🙄 what am I your brain extension?
Can't be bothered with explanations either.
"I just don't want to, but you go ahead". 😉

I think you're right

I think it’s a lot to do with being brought up with parents who didn’t value my opinion and were very narrow minded and strict. I felt as if my opinion or input was an inconvenience or a burden and I should be seen and not heard. It’s taken me nearly 50 years to stop with ‘oh I’ll just have what you’re having’ mentality and find myself a voice and it is liberating. I have found my voice and have strength in my convictions and don’t waste any more of my life on shit I don’t want to do or people who don’t put in the effort I do. I’m done with chasing other people’s happiness. Fuck that. Oh and menopause is totally the reason and I bloody love it. I think it’s the most amazing result of all the shit.

For me it’s definitely about the upbringing. I remember being praised for being a ‘compliant little girl’ ugh… growing up like that and being chastised for falling even slightly out of line takes it toll in later life. Only since getting into my 50s have i realised that being agreeable all the time doesn’t make you a great and interesting friend. I’m still working on this mind you.

Happened to me around the time I turned 40. I really stopped giving a fuck about what most other people thought. Before that I was saying yes to any old shit.

I wish I was in this position. Instead I have become really grumpy and tetchy.
Part of it is because I have a DD with a tricky medical condition. Part of it is menopause. All in all I am not easy to live with.
I cant afford to give no fucks either.

It’s an age thing , and in my case working with a team who have made me much more assertive.
My partner is not a people pleaser either so I think it must rub off.

Same here!!

Snap. Very mature for my age. Well yes as you two parents have the emotional maturity of a toddler then you’ve kind of forced me into stepping up.

Same here! It’s perimenopause/menopause. I just don’t give a damn any more. I don’t exist to please other people. It’s great!

Oh I agree, all my fucks have been given away or used up. I no longer possess a single fuck. I do think I should possibly acquire a fuck or two but I won't be giving anything away.

I said to my mother who was then in her 80s, 'do you know, I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore' she said 'how do you think I feel, I truly don't give a shit'. It's a bit mind blowing thinking about giving less of a fuck than I do now, what will happen?

Yes OP. Isn't it great though.

I couldn't say boo to a goose for most of my life. Gradually I began to woman up, but I am at the peak now.

I often think to myself that I am really not a very nice person anymore, but it's more that I actually don't give a shit about other peoples drama and that I am not now always everyone's shoulder to cry on.

Just this week: I told everyone who uses and abuses me to arrange and host everyone for Christmas, that I am not available. And I have booked for myself and my dc and their partners and we are going out for the day. So I will spend it with only those I want to spend it with, and not those I am obliged to. And I have no remorse. I don't even have any feelings about it apart from relief.

And people can say what they like, as the saying 'what someone else says or thinks about me, is none of my business' is just so apt.
.

I have become like this. Chronic people pleaser wanted people to not think badly of me etc, now I don’t really give a shit.
I don’t go out of my way to be horrible to people I am still kind and empathetic (I hope) and I don’t act that way to my children as I’m their mother and I will help them until I die but everyone else can fuck off.

Aren't you all grumpy? I am on HRT but still grumpy.
A lot of my friends are grumpy too and snap for no reason. As do I.

Me too. I have become as crusty as fuck.

Same here. Still unpicking all that shit as best I can. People pleasing has really got me into trouble in life. It goes with a deep rooted anxiety and a need for safety, so I have absolute sympathy for all people pleasers.

People-pleasing needs to be seen as massive emotional red flag especially for women, it’s a symptom of not feeling happy with yourself or like you are acceptable just by being alive, which is really a hard way to live. By its nature you can never do enough of it (even though in reality, it’s pointless and self defeating). I hate seeing young women especially being praised for those types of behaviours, makes me side-eye those adults getting their own needs met by it.

How have you attempted to unpick/resolve it if you don’t mind me asking? I’ve tried counselling and it helped a bit but only to the point of telling me again and again what I sort of knew (be yourself more, say no more etc)

Read The Let Them theory by Mel Robbins and listen to her podcasts. Life changing

I am the same, my thoughts are I have been through a lot supporting others. This is now my time to give zero fucks