To have gone from a people-pleaser to the complete opposite

[Coffeeicedcake]

For all of my life, I've tried to fall in with what others want, keep everyone happy, not rock the boat etc - until now, in my early 50s, it's like I've had a personality change. I speak my mind more, suit myself more and what I actually want. I think I used to want to be liked... now, I couldn't care less, although I'm still pleasant and polite to others.

Anyone else have a personality makeover like this?

Menopause and the hormone thing plays a part but its not the whole story I think.

There's something also about becoming an older woman which is very liberating. Younger women are valued by large parts of society on the basis of how attractive they are/amenable they are to men. When you get past a certain age you are no longer seen as a sexual commodity and no longer constantly being evaluated on the basis of how you appear to men.

It's like a window has opened onto a whole new world and you can see life with a totally different perspective. It's bloody great. I wouldn't go back to being young and constantly worrying about how I compare to other women for all the tea in China.

Me too! My sister says "who are you and what have you done with my sister?" I do try to be diplomatic but I don't stay silent anymore if there's something I disagree with and feel strongly enough about.

Yep, 53, menopause and cancer = zero fucks to be given ( unless it’s my partner, parents, kids or close colleagues).

Now you mention it, I've got that way too. Unfortunately so have some of my friends and we're all falling out with each other, which isn't a great thing. We all need friends, even opinionated, self-obsessed, grumpy ones.

I resonate so much with this.

I say whatever someone wants to hear, so I feel like I'm lying all the time.

It makes me feel safe somehow? But I feel like I don't even know myself.

Yep! I had a minor midlife crisis a few weeks ago and bleached my own hair. Loads of it broke off and now I look like Leeloo from the 5th element’s grandma.

A couple of years ago I’d be beside myself. But it’s just hair. Meh. It’ll grow.

It’s my favourite part of menopause. Behold, my field of fucks it is utterly barren.

my boundaries are totally fixed and will not be trampled over. Even my boss gets away with nothing - fucking twat! 🤣

Are you me ?!!

Yes, I also used to stay silent... now I can't hold it in!

I’m a sensitive person who used to get (and still could ) traumatised and haunted by tragic or sad things happening to strangers far away or people I know and love. I used to be a news junkie and believe I had to know about and feel for every tragedy in the world.

i don’t do any of this more. I now choose to live in my own bubble of friends, family, pleasant people and my interests. I’m a different person - relaxed, happy, optimistic, I sleep well. The rest of the world is unaffected by my giving zero fs. It took a long time for me to understand that.

Sorry if that sounds selfish but I prioritise me and mine nowadays.

For me personally it was/is a mixture of hormone loss (we lose the caring hormone don’t we as we are too old to have children) but I also “did the work” as in my case it was driven by trauma from childhood and parental enmeshment. The hormone thing probably makes it easier to implement the strategies I learned though.

Safe from what? That’s probably the thing to work out, safe from the fizzy feeling in your stomach perhaps? Safe from someone being annoyed at you? But you can’t control other people’s feelings.

I was a people pleaser for years. Since my late thirties I’ve gradually morphed into someone who couldn’t actually give one tiny actual fuck.

It’s led to some quite extreme, traumatic life changes (going NC with family members) so it’s not all easy, but so much better once I was out the other side.

I've never gone out of my way to be horrible but I haven't ever really been a people pleaser either. I do nice things for people, of course, but it's because I want to, not because I feel a duty.
Embrace a new free you!

I’ve found that a bit as well. It seems to go in hand with therapy and menopause. ‘Stopping the people pleasing’ , ‘putting in boundaries’ ‘putting me first’ seem to be the main phrases.

I get it, I say ‘no’ a lot more often too. But compromise and empathy for friends seems to have gone out of the window with some. If it’s the case they don’t want so many friends (as some have said on this thread) then fine. Though at least one of my friends is wondering and upset why others are now ghosting her (due to her lack of compromise and ‘put myself first’ attitude).

I had a similar radicalisation: not because of age, but because of 2020. Before that, I was a stickler for rules and laws, believed everything I was told, believed that rules and laws were all for a good reason, hardly ever broke a rule in my life, and I was a people pleaser as well.

Then 2020 happened: we were told to follow mindless and pointless rules which had clearly been improvised on the spot ("Don't go out for more than an hour" said Gove, which became gospel, and it was never actually a rule), and the scary thing was, everyone believed them, completely failed to question them, and like sheep, tried to enforce everyone else following them as well. Doorstep clapping? Everyone's doing it, so I'd better. Rainbow in window? Everyone's doing it, so I'd better. And now it's everyone's putting a flag up, so I'd better.

Now I'm much more selective about which rules I follow, and who I take information from, especially if a huge message is rammed down our throats. I now think that the more a message is pushed, the more likely it is to be contrived and false. And with this, I am much less of a people pleaser than I used to be. Good luck in persuading me about any future "emergency", for which we must all follow roolz like sheep.

Same OP! It’s fantastic if you’ve had a lifetime of people pleasing!

Yep. I’ve had many years of looking after my DH and kids, now I realise I’m nearer to the end than the beginning, so it’s time for me.

Don’t do for an adult or
emerging adult what they can do for themselves. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. If you put up a boundary and someone tries to break it- recognise that. Your boundary should be enough.

Definitely identify with this - I feel it is my reward for all the less positive menopause experiences!!

I’ve read about the science behind this (can’t give a link sorry) and it is hormonal. The nurturing hormones reduce significantly post menopause. Hence so many women divorcing men who they have mothered for ages.

Not bringing joy to my life? Off you fuck
Being a Negative Nelly for no reason? Off you fuck
Asking for advice then doing the complete opposite then whinging? Off you fuck

I've just cut off a friendship of 50 plus years due to his bizarre behaviour which left me in a bit of a situation 5 hours from home... you think you know someone 😬

I can now see why some people are reclusive and have animals

Most people can Fuck off to Fucksville and when they get there they can fuck off a bit more

I definitely feel this - I hit midlife and left a dull, safe marriage so now I’m supposedly a strong independent woman who doesn’t care what anyone thinks. The reality is every time I speak up for myself or put in boundaries it just seems to make things harder 🙄 It’s all very well to give no fucks but people don’t like it and after a lifetime of pleasing everyone it’s hard not to care about that. I want to say IDGAF but I still do more than I should or want to. I’m 52 so I think if the hormones were going to help me it would have happened by now.

Time and energy levels. I keep the dwindling energy reserve for my own life and those closest to me. I don’t have much to splash around anymore, both are a precious resource.

My tolerance is in minus figures for any kind of sexism or misogyny. I call it out immediately and swiftly these days, and I don’t hold back. Same with the emotionally backward and the intellectually stunted. My life is just too short to waste. Fearless. It feels great! After years of putting up with other people’s crap.

I don't get why so many of you seem to have led lives where 'people pleasing' is required of you. I wouldn't say I'm a particularly bolshy person but don't think I have ever had to do stuff I really don't want to (maybe apart from some work situations). Possibly because I have reasonable parents and inlaws and no children?