To have gone from a people-pleaser to the complete opposite

[Coffeeicedcake]

For all of my life, I've tried to fall in with what others want, keep everyone happy, not rock the boat etc - until now, in my early 50s, it's like I've had a personality change. I speak my mind more, suit myself more and what I actually want. I think I used to want to be liked... now, I couldn't care less, although I'm still pleasant and polite to others.

Anyone else have a personality makeover like this?

You answered your own question!

That’s great! Any examples?

You sound like Melani and the We Do Not Care Club 😁

Yep, kicked in around 45 for me. It is fantastic.

I no longer give much of a fuck about most things. Some things matter, most things don't and I am now pretty clear on what shit is my problem and what isn't.

It is like my mind cleared and all the noise went away. Lovely.

It's lovely

I feel so much more peaceful. I just get on with the things I enjoy and enjoy my own company more.

It feels like I've been indoctrinated by MN and Tik Tok. I think TT gets a bad rap on here. My algorithm is unceasingly positive and motivational with many videos that really make me think about dealing with emotions and personal growth and many specifically for women.

Ooh and I swear any wrinkles have improved because I don't even bother making the right social facial expressions any longer just to be polite 😂

I wish it had come earlier in life as wasted too much time,effort and energy on wrong people.

I’m actually enjoying confrontation with CF and watch them squirm and backtrack is highly rewarding 🙂

Still remembering though how hard it was to say “no” to people especially the nearest and dearest who took a huge advantage.

No fucks given now to anybody. Don’t care I’m not popular in certain circles

Yep same! Particularly the work context - I fear I may have recently shot myself in the foot. But I’m still not sorry I stood up for myself.

For me, people pleasing wasn’t required but it was how I’d been groomed/conditioned from childhood and it’s a survival instinct. Trouble is, you are suddenly an adult and you don’t realise you don’t need to do it to keep safe. And you also don’t realise it’s a form of manipulation, trying to control people’s feelings.

it’s also all about self worth, you believe or are led to believe that your worth is tied to your usefulness or compliance.

Me too. Probably the only positive from menopause. Very liberating!

Same! Came from a family of older brothers and a mother who insisted I ran after them and my father. Made me a people pleaser. Zero fucks given in work to disrespecting people! Cannot be arsed with lazy,.selfish men and will tell them to buck up!

hmm I could do with some of this. Think an exacerbation of ADHD symptoms with peri and therefore failure of usual coping mechanisms plus the increasingly complex needs of kids, parents and life/work means I am more sensitive to everyone’s bloody needs because it’s now much longer and harder work trying to keep everyone else on the road..

It’s a middle class thing I think.

I was really quiet and timid and a people please as a child/teen/young adult as I grew up in an abusive household and was badly bullied at school.

As I got older, I developed more confidence after 40. For me it was a combination of counselling, becoming more 'radicalised'' as a feminist and starting to see through all the bullshit that society puts women and girls through, being older and wiser as well as caring less and less about my appearance or what men think of me.

At 54 I have long run out of fucks to give. Bliss.

I have cut off from my life several toxic people in the past few years and I have learned to stand my ground. I am friendly and polite only to people who deserve it, basically people who are also friendly/polite/straightforward towards me.

I'm in my 30s but even at this age I don't care about pleasing others as much. I think as you get older you've already established a lot in your life so you not as worried about not pleasing people because you have a lot of what you need under your control.

I also think that at some point you realise that pleasing other people isn't worth it if its at the expense of upsetting yourself (within reason of course).

Besides my age (peri), I think one thing that has helped me is when my last relationship ended a couple of years ago. Looking back, a lot of it was his wants, needs and superior attitude. I was devastated at the time, but then became angry at how he'd treated me at times and how he ended it. In a way, it's made me stronger.

If no one else has said it yet look on instagram for the we don't care club.
So funny and just sums up how we all seem to get!!

Yes this!!
For me it’s from my parents and childhood, and treading on egg shells to keep the peace to make sure my mother wasn’t pissed off at my dad. Also trying to be funny to make them both laugh so everything was ok.
God I cringe at some of the stuff I’ve said/done and how I’ve acted when I’ve just basically said what people want to hear. It’s made me act like such a victim at times as well. No more!

Yup, menopause again! I was such a people pleaser but am much more assertive now. I’m cross with myself for doing it for so long and wonder what on earth I was doing! I also used to tie myself in knots about my appearance - I was never thin enough, toned enough, had a nice enough nose or whatever and now..again I couldn’t care less! Looking back at photos I wish I’d appreciated more how great I looked then!! I’ll certainly never be that skinny again, but who cares?! DH loves that I’m more confident that way so…🤷‍♀️

God I wish I could bottle some of this at work.

I really need to tell my line manager I am not prepared to change my current working pattern simply because she's bad at planning and staff resourcing but worried she'll take it badly. How do I do this oh wise ones?!!

Yes. I am unrecognisable. I please myself and I feel fortunate that I came to this realisation in time to educate two girls on putting themselves first and being their own biggest fan and champion. I am in my forties, and I was pushed into this by coming out of a situation that was the result of my people pleasing. I almost people pleased myself to death.

With people pleasing often comes over explaining.
You only need to say you're not changing and why it doesn't work for you.

You don't need to enter into the part about it being down to her bad management.

Yes, I think there comes a time in everyone's life where the phrase, 'can't please everybody so you gotta please yourself,' happens.

I was definitely a people pleaser and it exhausted me my whole life. Now I’m 54 and I don’t care and it’s so liberating. As you say, it just happened. One day I realised if people needed so much pleasing & placating at my expense, they’re probably not worth it. It would have been lovely to have this confidence earlier in life.

That is the best compliment I’ve had thank you, my parents left school at 15 with no qualifications and they groomed me to think my worth was linked to what I did for other people , so if I’m middle class I’ve done ok.

What absolute rot.