AIBU to not really sympathize with a ‘shocking secret’ in my partner’s family?

[Nightrainrocketqueen]

I’ll try to keep this short.
Basically, my partner’s aunt and uncle lost a child to illness many years ago—before either of us were born. I can’t say I’m particularly fond of his aunt; she’s done some spiteful things within the family and tends to act like the “CEO” of it all. His uncle, on the other hand, has always been polite to me, although a bit quiet.

They live in a tiny village on the outskirts of a city where we live and work. One day at work, I happened to mention to a colleague who lives or parents live in said Village, that my partner’s aunt and uncle live there as just as casual conversation. My colleague responded along the lines of, “Oh yeah, I know of them. He’s very odd.” I didn’t think much of it at the time but later mentioned it to my partner. He went a bit quiet and sheepish and confided in me as to what that comment could have been in relation to;

Apparently, back in the early '90s (either before my partner was born or when he was very young), his uncle was arrested after several complaints of flashing at women in parks. He was taken to court, placed on some sort of sex offenders register (or whatever the equivalent was back then), and sentenced to community service or similar. According to what my partner was told by his dad, the incident caused a massive scandal within the family and made his aunt and uncle outcasts in the village for a while.

His dad—who is the aunt’s brother—was livid at first and apparently went straight round to confront him. The uncle's explanation was, “I’m not coping,” referring to the loss of his child years earlier. And that was sort of… it. It was brushed under the rug. The family now seems to tiptoe around his uncle a bit . My partner was told explicitly that it’s not something to ever be discussed and that was the end of it.

Of course, I do have sympathy for the grief they experienced, and I understand mental health struggles. But I still think what he did was really wrong. As a young woman, it makes me feel incredibly uneasy. Women should be able to go about their lives without this kind of behaviour—regardless of when it happened. I also feel for the victims, who likely never got closure. And I can’t help but think: what if he hadn’t been caught? Where could it have escalated? What if a vulnerable or intellectually challenged woman had been involved? It’s disturbing.

Ive come here because I can’t talk about this with anyone as;
A) I’m not supposed to know—it was a family secret,
B) I want to respect my partner.

But I’m really struggling with how to feel about it. From a young woman’s point of view, it just doesn’t sit right with me. I don’t buy the “grieving parent” excuse—it was still a sexual crime.
Am I being heartless?

What do you think that dragging this all out into the open will achieve exactly?

Gently, I think you could drive yourself mad going over all the what-ifs and if-onlys. They didn't happen, and they haven't happened since (as far as we know).

It's totally grim, and I'm with you that there isn't an excuse for this kind of behaviour (lots of people lose children, tragically, but most don't take up sex offending to deal with it). However, all you can reasonably do now is distance yourself from them (not hard, you're hardly living in each other's pockets) and leave it alone.

It's not your secret to reveal.

@Orangepate what are you on about?
@Nightrainrocketqueen has come here to discuss something very upsetting, precisely because she feels she cannot, and quite possibly doesn't want to, drag it all out into the open, as you put it.

@Nightrainrocketqueen you're not being heartless at all, you've stumbled into something of emotional complexity and been told that you can't talk about it.
But you probably need to talk about it in order to come to terms with it. If I were you I'd probably book some counselling sessions where I could talk freely in order to make sense of it for myself.

My instinct are like yours; they must be very damaged but does that mean that crimes of a sexual nature that will have damaged others can be excused? Not really. Then where does that leave you? You must be feeling really uncomfortable to say the least.
You have my good wishes and my sympathy. I don't think you can just shut this down and pretend you don't know.

He was caught and punished. There’s no point in going over what could have happened. Either tell your husband or mind your own business. It appears your dislike for the aunt is influencing this decision. If you liked her would you consider saying anything? I doubt it.

That is not my intention at all I just wanted to talk to someone about it as I don't know how I should feel

Not at all if anything its made me like her more and understand why she has these funny ways

He's already been tried, convicted and served his sentence 30 years ago. That's closure. He's not even a blood relative of your partner. If you don't like him, and his wife, don't mix with them.

How many women get convicted of sexual offences because they were grieving or stressed etc? It’s a bullshit excuse imo and one we see played out today when predators get minimal or suspended sentences.

Your gut is telling you this is all wrong because it is and no amount of ignoring it or trying to rationalise it away is going to work because it can’t be done.

Thanks however where have I stated im going to blast it out? , I won't even discuss with my own mother because it's not her business whereas this is anonymous hence why I have came here

Having read many many files of ex-offenders, all rapists have flashing on there somewhere. It isn’t treated as ‘serous’ and it should be. Families that sweep this stuff under the carpet are typically not safe families. They prioritise face over safety.

I’d be worried. Especially if I wanted children who might ever be around him.

I do sympathise with you. But I would be relieved to know especially if I was planning to have children.
He may have reformed but also I wouldn’t want to leave children with him/to have too close contact.
Also you know this is a family that keeps secrets, so I might be concerned about that. And would want to be sure there are no more lurking before I got married or had children.

He's your partners uncle ( by marriage) so not even a sibling of his parents. There's no need for you to have any kind of relationship with him, if your uneasy.
I think there are two options really. Accept that his crime was in the 90's, that he paid for it 30 years ago and remain civil. Or you can decide to go no contact. It's your decision to make.

Feel however you want. I mean, you're not the jury deciding whether to declare him guilty of a crime. You're a grown up who understands both the messiness of family dynamics and the fact that this family member of your DH's was committing entry-level sex crimes against women and girls. That both things can be true that he was suffering after the loss of a child, and that he was exposing himself for kicks. That there might be a relationship between the two things without the one in any way excusing the other. It's not that the family succeeded in covering it up, either he went to court and was put on a register. They just don't talk about it.

Tbh this is my thinking on it as well.

In a way I'd say better the devil you know - I'd be glad you now know this is something he's done as really it speaks to his values/misogyny and that he has dangerous proclivities even if he's not actively behaved in this way for some time.

I would have a conversation with your partner about it and discuss their feeling on it and I'd also reflect on the seriousness of your relationship. If this is someone you see yourself having kids with or marrying and becoming a part of his family then if he feels the same he needs to be open with you about the family dynamics you'd be marrying into and personally I would never be comfortable with having children around this man nor would I want to be in the same room as him. Your partner has grown up around this from before he could really understand and consent to whatever relationship he was expected to have with his uncle. But you are coming in with fresh eyes and no blood ties to this man so you're able to look at it all more objectively. I would want to know that your partner is happy to go no contact with them and I'd not want to see him again. As others have said this is not a normal outworking of grief. Its an outworking of sexual deviance and a need to have power and control over others and to seek pleasure in others distress and inability to consent to the behaviours. If the family are expecting you to just play happy families then I'd be very deeply worried about their ability to safeguard any potential children you may have from him. Or if they'd support you if he began to act in a way that made you uncomfortable.

Do you have a relationship with this man? If so can you just keep your distance?

Otherwise I don't think you need to make a thing of it now. It doesn't really affect you and while there's no excuse for that behaviour they clearly suffered something unthinkable so just leave them alone. If he were doing it now it might be different but it doesn't sound like he is.

OP I completely see your point!

His offence was something that we know now is a step on a path towards being a rapist. If he hasn't become a rapist, then that's all well and good, but 1 how do you know? and 2 does he harbour these tendencies still?

Rhetorical questions which nobody can answer, but it's not like he went on a bit of a bender because he was grieving and committed criminal damage or something. That I could see was connected. And all that time ago, people will have given him the benefit of the doubt.

You don't have to. I suppose you just have to keep quiet, but inside you can feel whatever you want to about it.

YANBU

I ld just distance myself from these people and not mention them in passing again.

It was a long time ago, it was found out and reprimanded. It's not for anyone to police either of them for this particular historic wrongdoing. I ld continue to let sleeping dogs lie, but I ld also not rate either the Aunt or her husband, serious judgment issues there.

Well it's a very odd way of dealing with the loss of a child, that's for sure. Not really a vaild excuse in anyone's book. But he's paid the penalty and hopefully, presumably has behaved himself since and had some sort of therapy/tretment. I'd be wary that anyone with those sorts of tendencies was ever fully rehabilitated, and my fear would be that they were merely masking or suppressing unsavoury urges, as opposed to no longer having them at all.

I certainly wouldn't want to be alone with him or leave any children alone with him, but other than that I can't see any point in making a song and dance about it now. You are not being heartless to feel as you do, that's vaild. But what do you expect you can do about it? Just give them both a wide berth. You don't like her anyway and he's a pervert.

You now know your partners Uncle was (is) a sex offender (against adult women? Or alao girls?). He sex offended in a ruralish(?) area but in parks so a high risk of being traced by being recognised. That could have been a self-harm element or an indication of him seeking an extra thrill from the risk.

Your partners Dad was livid but had to accept that his sister was going to keep on living with him.

His Dad made sure your partner was aware of the sexual offending.

You did not like his Aunt and this is not showing her in a better light.

If you have children you need to make sure that both you and your partner are aware of safeguarding around grooming and sexual abuse as his direct family history may indicate weekness in this area of parenting.

Do you feel disappointed in him? This seemingly, pleasant and polite relative has a dark side you never knew about. Also, maybe slightly vunerable as you now know he was a flasher to young women, like yourself. Also perhaps your partner should have warned you that you shouldn’t be alone with him?

2 separate things. Lots of people have terrible experiences but don't go out flashing because they are suffering.

No, you are not being heartless. I don’t see how grieving the loss of a child could “turn” someone into a sexual predator.

This. This thread is very outing, OP.

There is no right or wrong way for you to feel about this. You also now cannot 'unknow' it. For what it's worth, I think you should not overthink this, he did wrong, was convicted and paid his dues - that is closure. It was a long time ago. Unless you yourself have experienced the death of a child you cannot know what that is like. Grief can drive you mad - literally. Keep your distance if that makes you feel better, keep talking to your other half (or counselling) and try to leave it be.

No way on earth I'd be socializing with someone like that, nor would they be allowed anywhere near any kid in my family, and I'd be happy to tell everyone why.