AIBU to not really sympathize with a ‘shocking secret’ in my partner’s family?

[Nightrainrocketqueen]

I’ll try to keep this short.
Basically, my partner’s aunt and uncle lost a child to illness many years ago—before either of us were born. I can’t say I’m particularly fond of his aunt; she’s done some spiteful things within the family and tends to act like the “CEO” of it all. His uncle, on the other hand, has always been polite to me, although a bit quiet.

They live in a tiny village on the outskirts of a city where we live and work. One day at work, I happened to mention to a colleague who lives or parents live in said Village, that my partner’s aunt and uncle live there as just as casual conversation. My colleague responded along the lines of, “Oh yeah, I know of them. He’s very odd.” I didn’t think much of it at the time but later mentioned it to my partner. He went a bit quiet and sheepish and confided in me as to what that comment could have been in relation to;

Apparently, back in the early '90s (either before my partner was born or when he was very young), his uncle was arrested after several complaints of flashing at women in parks. He was taken to court, placed on some sort of sex offenders register (or whatever the equivalent was back then), and sentenced to community service or similar. According to what my partner was told by his dad, the incident caused a massive scandal within the family and made his aunt and uncle outcasts in the village for a while.

His dad—who is the aunt’s brother—was livid at first and apparently went straight round to confront him. The uncle's explanation was, “I’m not coping,” referring to the loss of his child years earlier. And that was sort of… it. It was brushed under the rug. The family now seems to tiptoe around his uncle a bit . My partner was told explicitly that it’s not something to ever be discussed and that was the end of it.

Of course, I do have sympathy for the grief they experienced, and I understand mental health struggles. But I still think what he did was really wrong. As a young woman, it makes me feel incredibly uneasy. Women should be able to go about their lives without this kind of behaviour—regardless of when it happened. I also feel for the victims, who likely never got closure. And I can’t help but think: what if he hadn’t been caught? Where could it have escalated? What if a vulnerable or intellectually challenged woman had been involved? It’s disturbing.

Ive come here because I can’t talk about this with anyone as;
A) I’m not supposed to know—it was a family secret,
B) I want to respect my partner.

But I’m really struggling with how to feel about it. From a young woman’s point of view, it just doesn’t sit right with me. I don’t buy the “grieving parent” excuse—it was still a sexual crime.
Am I being heartless?

I am not sure what you want to happen, or who is requiring you to feel sympathy.

Your partner and his family seem to feel ashamed of the uncle - this is a dirty family secret, they're not asking you to see him as a victim and you're fairly low contact as a result, unless I've missed something.

You're basically correct - his "I did it because of the grief" excuse is bullshit. But the only escalation at this point is to go no contact completely - is that what you want? If it is you have to be clear about it and about your reasons - is it because you perceive him to still be a danger, or just because what he did was so distasteful?

This. I would steer well clear of him. Grief is a bullshit excuse.

I think it's okay to have a negative opinion of him privately, but I'd leave it at that. If it comes up between you and your partner again, I'd tell him that it's changed how you view certain members of the family, and that will inevitably influence future interactions (and your level of comfort with his uncle), but you won't mention it.

You could have heard the details of this 'secret' from anyone in the area, and your partner can't really dictate how you feel about things. Regardless of the uncle's excuse and whether or not it had anything to do with his behaviour, it's unpleasant, and I wouldn't feel completely at ease with him, with that in the back of my mind.

(And I most definitely wouldn't allow any children or future children to spend time alone with him. I'd try to keep all interactions with him civil but at arm's length, in fact. I'd be rather annoyed at partner for not mentioning this before, as well, though I see how it's awkward to bring up.)

I understand your unease and revulsion. I'd feel the same.

Personally, I would just conclude that I personally wanted no contact with these people. When/if paths really had to cross at any point then it would be in very short doses only and any children I had would not be left unsupervised anywhere near them.

That would be it for me.

I do absolutely have sympathy for anyone who has lost a child, but personally I can't see how that prompts him to then start flashing himself at women.

I think you need to move on o/p.

he’s been caught and dealt with. If he hasn’t offended since all you can do is distance yourself.

similar in my family. Big family secret with cousins, that apparently everyone knew except me and my side/immediate family. I was furious when I found out, as the offender was protected and never reported. They knowingly put other people at risk.

however now the offender is dead and the victims don’t want to drag it back up by reporting when he won’t face any consequences anyway. So I don’t speak to those people at all, and I never will.

Obviously it's one of those disturbing revelations that is going to make you feel shocked and unsettled.

But in all honesty, not your circus , not your monkeys.

Over analysing some aunt and uncle in your husband's family isn't really a healthy past time. It's a little over obsessive. And if you're honest with yourself - are you really concerned about the victims of his rumoured flashing from a past time ? Or are you invested in family drama/gossip ? (It's much easier when it's not your own to revel in stuff like this )

Seeing as he's not closely in contact with you and you have no facts or current information: id forget it and get on with your life.

His family's way of dealing with things is so typical of families in times gone by. Stick your head in the sand, don't say anything to anyone and pretend none of it happened. It's very old fashioned, but very much typical of that generation.

It's his wife's problem to deal with if she's married to a pervert.

I don't see why you should have to 'keep his secret'. The first time I was flashed by a strange, adult man I was 11. Should I keep his secret too? Maybe he was really sad that day, maybe he'd had a loss, maybe his MH was suffering and exposing himself to young girls made it feel better... but who cares?

The guy is damaged and rather than dealing with it appropriately he chose to damage others. You are absolutely right to be repulsed, to want to keep your distance and (imo) to tell people why if you feel compelled to.

If he didn't want people to know him as a sexual abuser he shouldn't have sexually abused people. If his wife didn't want to be married to a known sexual abuser she should have left him. Ditto the rest of the family.

You are not wrong OP

I think there are lots of people who would lose a child and wouldn't sexually assault people "in their grief". You can sympathise with their grief whilst also not agreeing with their behaviour or accepting it as a valid excuse.

I don't think I'd let this preoccupy me, although I can understand it is quite shocking info that your absorbing right now. He's done the crime and done the time, i'd just make a mental note of his character and move on after you've processed it.

Exactly this!

I would not let my children anywhere near a sec offender, no matter how long ago the crime occurred.

If he hasn’t offended since

The high recidivism rates of sex offending are matched by the low conviction rates. All you can say that that he hasn't been caught and convicted since.

OP, our extended family has a ‘secret’ a bit like this and at the time it also went to court and was in the local papers. It obviously affects your relationship with the person but for me, I have now put it in a mental box with the justification that he was (thankfully) caught and did his time (plus faced the public humiliation). He’s not a danger to anyone (he’s very elderly and in poor health now) so I’ve made my peace with it and basically don’t view it as my business.

Obviously this is new information for you and means that if you have to see him, it’ll alter how you view and interact with the uncle but ultimately you’ll drive yourself a bit nutty if you think about the whats and ifs too much.

You're not heartless at all, I imagine it was quite a shock. You can feel whatever way you do feel about it but give yourself time to process it.

Honestly, I would just talk about it with your mum. Having gossip/ bitch sessions with a trusted friend or family member is cathartic.

I agree - how many men experience loss and manage to avoid becoming a pervert? 'I wasn't coping...' what with - the emasculation of crying or feeling vulnerable? - so a bit of casual misogyny is just the ticket to repair you then? Toxic wanker.

Me too. Plenty of people sadly lost children and don’t become sex offenders. The aunt chose to stay with him too, I could never. “He was tried and punished!” Well boo bloody hoo. Once a sex offender, always a sex offender. I’d not be in their company ever again.

To be fair you have published it to the population of the globe and the there is every chances of someone reading it who knows about it given the specifics.

You say you can't talk to anyone about it but it makes you quite identifiable given the unusual circumstances

Can you find the details of the court case, you might find a lot more details of what happened and under what circumstances. It seems not to have been worthy of a custodial sentence. Before judging too much I would want the full details, was he going through a literal mental breakdown, was he medicated for his grief or self medicating and drunk. Sometimes knowing half the story is worse than knowing the whole thing, on the other hand you may find the family are playing it down. Also what did the child die from and how traumatic were the circumstances? I think it's a big jump to say he might be a danger to children, although sensible to take precautions as with all men.

Yes take precautions as with all men, but I definitely take more precautions with someone who is a convicted sex offender!
Bloody hell.

I don’t think you are heartless.
I would have a conversation with your partner, it’s wrong to keep it secret from you - once you became a part of the family you should have been warned about this person and his past. I think not telling you have made things much worse tbh as now you are suspicious what else you haven’t been told.
Secondly I would distance myself from them even further.
Thirdly I would restrict significantly them seeing your children or discuss it for the future. And I would mean it,
Added : and I don’t buy this stuff about mental breakdown after death of their child. He could focus on fundraising or volunteering or even drinking would be better.

You usually have no idea if a man is on a sexual offender register. And it's only hearsay here, unless the op finds out more, her DP was told something as a child and there is some village gossip about them being odd. Just saying I would want to find out more if I were becoming part of the family.

Yes, this ^ but also sexual offenders often tend to also be very complex characters who are particularly skilled in manipulating others around them. Paedophiles don't just groom children for example, they often groom the adults around the child in order to gain trust and access.

Unfortunately getting caught may have led to him being more careful in how his tracks are covered rather than never repeating harmful behaviours.

@Nightrainrocketqueen well it isnt that much of a secret if people in the village still remember names from over 30 years ago!!

I would be completely creeped out. If someone's reaction to grief is to flash women in parks there is something VERY wrong with them. I don't buy grief as an excuse. He sounds like a foul perv.

I agree.

It is in the past. You really should not listen to gossip. Uncle was punished, end of. It's not your business.

Nightrainrocketqueen Im wondering whether you may need to prepare any responses if this subject ever comes up again with your work ‘Collegue’?

I think it's really easy and understandable to believe that he's a sexual deviant and is only not re-offending (assuming he isn't) because of the fear of getting caught.

If this were a member of my family, I would have the same reaction as many others on this thread - I'd be apalled and wouldn't want him around children. I'd be furious because women are still under attack in so many ways in society, and we shouldn't have to be afraid just for daring to leave the house.

But if you want me to give a more detached and objective view, I would say that although flashing is a low-level "entry" crime that features in the history of many rapists and other sex offenders, we don't know the full facts. I can't imagine the grief of losing a child, I just can't. It is possible that he was deliberately self-sabotaging, trying to harm himself and ruin his life because he felt it was worthless or because maybe he subconsciously blamed himself? We don't know. You'd have to know more about the circumstances of what he did, why he did it etc to be able to get the truth. And 30 years on there's absolutely no change of finding any of that out.

I am not saying what he did was OK. But understanding why someone acted the way they did and excusing it are two different things. People sometimes do awful and terrible things out of grief. Just because one person copes doesn't mean other does.

The thing is though, you don't know if any of that applies. Maybe it was just a terrible reaction to grief. But maybe he is just a sexual deviant that could have been dangerous if left unchecked. You'll never know. So in your shoes I'd probably assume the worst and act accordingly ie/keep children away and as a woman, not be alone with him.

Just as a point of reference, a man flashed at me in the woods when I was a child, I was sexually abused by a family member in my early teens, and then raped as an adult. So I'm not saying any of the above from a place of not understanding.