AIBU to not really sympathize with a ‘shocking secret’ in my partner’s family?

[Nightrainrocketqueen]

I’ll try to keep this short.
Basically, my partner’s aunt and uncle lost a child to illness many years ago—before either of us were born. I can’t say I’m particularly fond of his aunt; she’s done some spiteful things within the family and tends to act like the “CEO” of it all. His uncle, on the other hand, has always been polite to me, although a bit quiet.

They live in a tiny village on the outskirts of a city where we live and work. One day at work, I happened to mention to a colleague who lives or parents live in said Village, that my partner’s aunt and uncle live there as just as casual conversation. My colleague responded along the lines of, “Oh yeah, I know of them. He’s very odd.” I didn’t think much of it at the time but later mentioned it to my partner. He went a bit quiet and sheepish and confided in me as to what that comment could have been in relation to;

Apparently, back in the early '90s (either before my partner was born or when he was very young), his uncle was arrested after several complaints of flashing at women in parks. He was taken to court, placed on some sort of sex offenders register (or whatever the equivalent was back then), and sentenced to community service or similar. According to what my partner was told by his dad, the incident caused a massive scandal within the family and made his aunt and uncle outcasts in the village for a while.

His dad—who is the aunt’s brother—was livid at first and apparently went straight round to confront him. The uncle's explanation was, “I’m not coping,” referring to the loss of his child years earlier. And that was sort of… it. It was brushed under the rug. The family now seems to tiptoe around his uncle a bit . My partner was told explicitly that it’s not something to ever be discussed and that was the end of it.

Of course, I do have sympathy for the grief they experienced, and I understand mental health struggles. But I still think what he did was really wrong. As a young woman, it makes me feel incredibly uneasy. Women should be able to go about their lives without this kind of behaviour—regardless of when it happened. I also feel for the victims, who likely never got closure. And I can’t help but think: what if he hadn’t been caught? Where could it have escalated? What if a vulnerable or intellectually challenged woman had been involved? It’s disturbing.

Ive come here because I can’t talk about this with anyone as;
A) I’m not supposed to know—it was a family secret,
B) I want to respect my partner.

But I’m really struggling with how to feel about it. From a young woman’s point of view, it just doesn’t sit right with me. I don’t buy the “grieving parent” excuse—it was still a sexual crime.
Am I being heartless?

It is very much her business if she is ever thinking of having a child with her partner. The whole family are hiding the facts they have a sexual predator in the family even if by marriage. In such circumstances where the family think this is OK under no circumstances would any child of mine be left alone unsupervised with any member of that family. If her DP does not see the issue I would reconsider the relationship.

That may be so but Op needs to be very careful any children are kept well away as he is clearly a sex offender. Personally I think this stuff needs to be out in the open to protect children. A relative of mine hid the fact her husband was on the register for looking at photographs of child rape. I cannot tell you how angry it made me because it put my children at risk. I am still angry about it and with her tbh.

There is zero chance of any kids being left alone with him, they hardly ever see the aunt and uncle anyway.

There is no feeling you 'should' have about this. It is a disturbing thing to discover, and you will feel disturbed by it. I honestly think giving it time and space will help you process your thoughts and feelings about this - don't expect it to all fall into place immediately. It's a lot to take in.

It’s grim and of course it would change the way I thought about him.

If he hasn’t reoffended in all this time, then there probably isn’t any reason to think he will.

But I would keep my children away from him and I’d avoid being alone with him myself.

I would worry more about the men who are committing these crimes today, rather than those doing it 30 years ago.

I get that you are shocked but not sure about the title, who is asking you to sympathise? It sounds to me like they are carrying a lot of shame. You say it really upset the family and caused a scandal, I'm not sure what else you want to have happened?

That's an awful thing to find out and I understand why it makes you uneasy.

Stay away from them.
If you have any children, keep them away from them.
If there are any other vulnerable young women in the family, remain as vigilant as you reasonably can for them.

Not much else that can be done, but what he did was horrible and now you have the 'burden' of knowing now as well.

What? Did you read the OP?

@ClawedButler at no point has the OP said she wants to tell anyone about this. Why do you think she has?

If OP has children she can make an informed decision about whether she ever wishes for this uncle to be near them?

You may want to re-read her post more slowly:

Ive come here because I can’t talk about this with anyone as;

A) I’m not supposed to know—it was a family secret,
B) I want to respect my partner.

(disclaimer: i have been flashed at more than once and attacked several times)

But I’m really struggling with how to feel about it. From a young woman’s point of view, it just doesn’t sit right with me. I don’t buy the “grieving parent” excuse—it was still a sexual crime.

With respect, OP, what is the point? in what way does it affect you in the here and now? if you need to gossip about this, go to a therapist.

Don’t be alone with him - ever. Predators almost never change their spots.

Err this. He doesn't sound very repentant

It would make me like her a lot less. Why did she stay with him?

Why do you think the victims never got closure? The person responsible was caught, arrested and punished according to law, was publicly shamed and had to deal with being essentially an outcast. Ultimately it appears that being caught stopped him. If I were a victim of this sort of offence, that would be absolutely the outcome I was looking for.

It seems to me that you are over-dramatising this and making it about yourself. It really isn't.

It's grim, the grieving parent excuse is just an insult to anyone who has lost a child.
And it may explain the aunts behaviour, she may be bitter and lashing out.
A childq dying then finding out your husband is a flasher and being ostracised must be beyond difficult to cope with.
I think not acknowledging the pain only makes it worse but it's not your circus etc.
But I would definitely be talking to close friends about it so you can vent.
And I would try and keep my distance from DHs uncle and aunt.

My father had an aunt and uncle who adopted a boy years later she was found in bed with the boy having sex. My mother endured a couple of visits that were unavoidable but never let us out of her sight. As a child they both gave me the creeps.

I'd give them as wide a berth as possible.

I can totally see why this is troubling you. I don’t think flashing women is a normal response to grief! You have also inherited this issue and now feel like the decisions made before you that you don’t agree with somehow can’t be challenged.
Some families have awful secrets. I think the most damage is done when people are told to ignore it because this was dealt with in the past, the way things were back then etc.
In today’s modern world uncle John throwing auntie Anne down the stairs because he lost his job wouldn’t be forgotten - thankfully! Any more than uncle Dave lost his child and decided to flash women. You are totally entitled to have your own views on this situation. And your husband should be able to discuss them with you. He’s not a child being told what to think by his father now. And clearly the uncle’s response to grief wasn’t at all typical - it might not have even been related though he claimed it was.

I don’t think you’re being heartless at all. They’re horrible offences regardless of whether they happened yesterday or fifty years ago. And I know that grief can make you behave in unusual ways, but I don’t believe it would cause you to expose your genitals if that sort of behaviour wasn’t already in your mind.

Nobody in his family is going to thank you for bringing it out into the open again, so all you can do is decide how you want to react to it. Personally, I wouldn’t want to spend any time in their company (which wouldn’t be too difficult to explain if she’s a bit of an arse), I wouldn’t ever be alone with him and if you ever have children, they wouldn’t be getting within a million miles of them. Not because I’m suggesting he’s a paedophile, but because adults who commit sex offences are not a category of people who should be anywhere near children. But other than that, I don’t know what else you could do that wouldn’t cause huge issues for your DH with his parents.

I agree you don’t need to sympathise with him. What’s making you think you need to do so? Is your partner expecting this if you?

I would see it as a justice success story. When men commit sexual offences like this and get away with it, the behaviours often escalate to worse crimes. In this case he was caught, publicly shamed, and stopped in his tracks. Fantastic, sometimes the system works.

These people aren’t close to you, they don’t have any caring responsibilities for your children if you have them. Who cares? Flashers gonna flash. You never have to see them again if you don’t want to…wouldn’t be too hard. There was a guy like this in my old home village too; flashed due to ‘stress’, supposedly. He answered the door naked to me and some pals once and I think we carried on regardless…’ is so and so coming out to play?! ‘ Jeezo.

I’d be going no contact with everyone who thinks it’s okay to do that tbh

I dont get what you're asking.

You say 'it doesnt sit right with me'

Well no, it was a crime, crime is criminal and breakikng the law and usually something socially inappropriate too. Why would it 'sit right' with anyone

What is it you want to know or do?

There is no such thing as how someone should feel. Feelings are feelings and not under our control. What you can control is behaviour.