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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell my Mum when I go into labour?

75 replies

myfriendsfamily · 28/08/2025 08:35

I am almost 37 weeks pregnant and DP and I are very excited to welcome our daughter into the world soon.

I already have one DS 17 to a previous marriage. I had him when I was only 17 myself. DS and I are very close. When I had DS, I naturally lent on my Mum for support.

I am now almost 35 and in a very happy and secure relationship. DP has been amazing throughout the pregnancy and I have felt very looked after and cared for. This time around, I only want DP as my birthing partner and have expressed this to all of our families.
My Mum can’t seem to truly accept it though. Whilst she isn’t pushing to be in the labour room, she is telling me that she will be in the waiting room from start to finish because I “might” change my mind. I won’t. She also wants to be the first person to meet our daughter because she has created a bit of a competitive situation with DP’s parents. This is a whole different thread for a different day.

I know my Mum and this isn’t about me as such. It’s about getting to meet the baby sooner than everyone else and feeling important. We don’t want anyone to meet our DD before my DS has.

She uses ‘Find my iPhone’ to track all of her family members, but I recently decided to stop sharing my location with her because DP found it intrusive and didn’t like us being tracked. She made a comment that in the weeks leading up to DD’s birth, she will head to the hospital and wait every day to see if I turn up (because she can no longer see)!
I told her that was silly and she said I had better let her know when I go into labour then.

I have decided that I really don’t want her, or anyone else to know when I am in labour. I really struggled to concentrate while I laboured my DS because I knew everyone was waiting outside, plus, I hated the influx of visitors immediately after birth! I never want to do that again and I know she’ll be expecting that.

So, AIBU to not let her know when I’ve gone into labour and to simply notify everyone together when DD has been safely delivered? I would genuinely appreciate some perspective here.

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 28/08/2025 08:38

She is massively overstepping her boundaries. Be blunt with her "Mum I love you but I've made it clear that it will just be dh and I. Stop making it a massive competitive event because it's making me not want to tell you at all"

Showerflowers · 28/08/2025 08:39

You need to be very firm and tell her now that under no circumstances is she going to be at the hospital when you go into labour.

You shouldn’t have to be sneaky around it. You’ll only be fretting that she might find out.

time to put your foot down.

best of luck xx

Tagyoureit · 28/08/2025 08:43

Yikes, your mum sounds nuts!
Who would honestly turn up to a hospital every day just in case you turn up in labour? That's honestly insane!!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 28/08/2025 08:43

She sounds intensely intrusive and overbearing. Don’t feel bad about not telling her - she needs to learn to back off a bit. Or a lot…

Personally I didn’t want to know when dd went into labour with her first - I’d have been a nervous wreck. I only wanted to know when it was all safely over. She’d never have wanted me there anyway - her dh was enough.

I’d never have wanted my own DM at either birth, either.

Snugglemonkey · 28/08/2025 08:47

You need to tell her she is stressing you out, you love her and are excited introduce the baby to her, but that you need to be able to deliver your baby in peace.

Yellowpingu · 28/08/2025 08:52

Explain to her that nobody will be meeting baby until DS has, that you’re aware it’s a massive gap so you want them to share something special. Tell the midwives and nursing staff this too and inform your DM that you’ll be doing this so it’s pointless her turning up because she’ll be turned away until you’re ready to see her.

ThejoyofNC · 28/08/2025 09:05

I'd consider changing hospitals if you have the option and she's crazy enough to turn up there every day looking for you.

Tell her if she doesn't behave and respect your wishes then she won't be meeting your baby at all.

Be sure to let the hospital know the situation when you do go in, they are used to situations like this and will probably be able to kick her out without you even knowing she tried to get in.

SunnyDolly · 28/08/2025 09:08

You just need to be very firm with her when she’s saying these things. Doesn’t need to be rude, but just ‘Mum I’ve told you already, we’ll let you know as soon as she’s here just stay put’ (and then you tell her several hours later once you’ve had your toast and DS has been in!). Say this to her every time she brings it up. If she wants to waste her time driving around a hospital carpark let her - let your midwives know she isn’t allowed in and they won’t let her.

itsgettingweird · 28/08/2025 09:17

Absolutely out in those form boundaries now.

You can say you are extremely grateful for everything she did when you were a teen parent but things have changed. Point out to her that her behaviour will mean she’ll see you less not more and does she really want that?

PoshDuckQuarkQuark · 28/08/2025 09:18

Ugh this is a human being coming into the world, not an object that your mum can lay first claims on! She is being way too obsessive.

My MIL (lived 2 miles away) used to complain that my parents (170 miles away) got to see the kids more. It's not a competition! (MIL would demand something ridiculous then sulk for weeks if she didnt get her own way.)

I'd be firm with your mum and say it will just be you and your DH at the birth, then your DS will be first visitor and you'll let her know once you're up for visitors.

I'd also tell the hospital to not let her into the room at all.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 28/08/2025 09:20

YANBU, but I don't think simply not telling her when you go into labour is enough.

You need to have a very honest conversation with her where you tell her that she is overstepping your boundaries. You are entirely reasonable to not want your mother tracking your whereabouts, and to want to give birth with just the baby's father present, and without the stress of wondering whether someone you have expressly asked not to come to the hospital has disregarded your wishes and is hanging out in the waiting room. Even if she's joking about that part, it's not funny and it's a source of stress you don't need.

I would point out that the last time you gave birth you were really still a child, and of course her support was absolutely essential given how young you were. But now you're a fully fledged adult and she needs to treat you like one.

Point out that you'll have a much better and closer relationship, and she'll be able to play a much more important role in her grandchild's life if you're not fighting to keep her at arm's length because she doesn't respect your need for a little space.

She also needs to accept that your partner's parents have an equal right to a relationship with their grandchild. It's not a competition, and if she tries to turn it into one whilst they are behaving normally, she'll find she is the one on the outside looking in, not them. She needs to calm the fuck down.

SteakBakesAndHotTakes · 28/08/2025 09:20

My NCT class advised us to tell family either when we were at the hospital or after baby was born...otherwise you get inundated with stress and people wanting you to update constantly. My family actually showed up in the hospital before I'd been given a room!!

WhatNoRaisins · 28/08/2025 09:21

I can see how when you have a baby very young and your own parents are almost like co-parents it can blur some boundaries. There is a need for some sensitivity towards your DM but I don't think that you are reasonable to do what suits you given that you're the one giving birth. Not telling her when you're in labour isn't a bad option here.

user1492757084 · 28/08/2025 09:27

Don't tell your Mum but do, after DS has met his sibling, phone your mother and tell her in person and make sure she is the very next visitor.
She is your mother so letting her wait in line with everyone else is not really right.

AMillionTomorrows · 28/08/2025 09:32

I’d tell her twice a day from now until the baby is born that you’re in labour and on the way to the hospital and you’ll tell her when you’re ready for a visit. If she shows up and asks why you’re not there, tell her you are helping her practice listening to you.

She’s nuts, obviously. You could say “Mum I love you, but if you don’t start respecting my boundaries, you won’t have any relationship with your future grandchild and that would make both of us sad”

WhatNoRaisins · 28/08/2025 09:36

WhatNoRaisins · 28/08/2025 09:21

I can see how when you have a baby very young and your own parents are almost like co-parents it can blur some boundaries. There is a need for some sensitivity towards your DM but I don't think that you are reasonable to do what suits you given that you're the one giving birth. Not telling her when you're in labour isn't a bad option here.

Obviously I meant I don't think that you're unreasonable to do what suits you giving birth.

FarmGirl78 · 28/08/2025 09:43

user1492757084 · 28/08/2025 09:27

Don't tell your Mum but do, after DS has met his sibling, phone your mother and tell her in person and make sure she is the very next visitor.
She is your mother so letting her wait in line with everyone else is not really right.

In my book whoever has just pushed something the size of a pineapple out of themself is the one who gets to decide when people get to visit. OP's decision is perfectly 'right'.

InterestedDad37 · 28/08/2025 09:52

She sounds totally unhinged!

Largeherbivore · 28/08/2025 09:56

user1492757084 · 28/08/2025 09:27

Don't tell your Mum but do, after DS has met his sibling, phone your mother and tell her in person and make sure she is the very next visitor.
She is your mother so letting her wait in line with everyone else is not really right.

She's created a competition in her own mind with the MIL. It's hardly making her wait in line with everyone else!!

stichguru · 28/08/2025 10:03

Your mum is not

  • the baby's father
  • a medical professional involved with your or the baby's care
  • the child's parent in a surrogacy situation
Therefore her expressing any opinion on when or how soon she gets to meet the baby, means she has massively crossed several lines!
Sunnyscribe · 28/08/2025 11:06

You ANBU. I don't think I told people. Just had the baby then told people after.

BeaLola · 28/08/2025 11:25

I definitely wouldn't tell her , I wo up d explain that you will let her and others close to you know when baby has arrived and that your DS will be the very first person you will tell and to meet his sister.

Tbh if you have a close friend I would almost drop your phone off with them in a few days time and then again on the way to hospital with the tracker app on and tell them to drive around with it / keep it with them so she thinks you are wherever they go

Original poster
myfriendsfamily · 28/08/2025 17:00

Thank you all for the replies, it has helped me tremendously.

I have always struggled with self-doubt when it comes to my Mum, which is something I think is time to explore.

OP posts:
Namechange822 · 28/08/2025 17:03

My mum is loving but tricky, a bit like this, plus gets a lot of anxiety which makes her hard to have around . I didn’t tell her with either of my kids until they were born and we had had a good cuddle. With one of them she challenged a bit and I just said I was a bit busy to text!

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/08/2025 17:09

You need to be very firm op - set boundaries and standards now and stick to them, or she will try and walk all over them and you. She gets to see the baby when you say so, not before. When you had your son you were a lot younger, things are different now. Be clear, firm and don’t take any shit - she’s your baby and your partners, what you say, goes.