To not tell my Mum when I go into labour?

[myfriendsfamily]

I am almost 37 weeks pregnant and DP and I are very excited to welcome our daughter into the world soon.

I already have one DS 17 to a previous marriage. I had him when I was only 17 myself. DS and I are very close. When I had DS, I naturally lent on my Mum for support.

I am now almost 35 and in a very happy and secure relationship. DP has been amazing throughout the pregnancy and I have felt very looked after and cared for. This time around, I only want DP as my birthing partner and have expressed this to all of our families.
My Mum can’t seem to truly accept it though. Whilst she isn’t pushing to be in the labour room, she is telling me that she will be in the waiting room from start to finish because I “might” change my mind. I won’t. She also wants to be the first person to meet our daughter because she has created a bit of a competitive situation with DP’s parents. This is a whole different thread for a different day.

I know my Mum and this isn’t about me as such. It’s about getting to meet the baby sooner than everyone else and feeling important. We don’t want anyone to meet our DD before my DS has.

She uses ‘Find my iPhone’ to track all of her family members, but I recently decided to stop sharing my location with her because DP found it intrusive and didn’t like us being tracked. She made a comment that in the weeks leading up to DD’s birth, she will head to the hospital and wait every day to see if I turn up (because she can no longer see)!
I told her that was silly and she said I had better let her know when I go into labour then.

I have decided that I really don’t want her, or anyone else to know when I am in labour. I really struggled to concentrate while I laboured my DS because I knew everyone was waiting outside, plus, I hated the influx of visitors immediately after birth! I never want to do that again and I know she’ll be expecting that.

So, AIBU to not let her know when I’ve gone into labour and to simply notify everyone together when DD has been safely delivered? I would genuinely appreciate some perspective here.

Sorry, what now? o.O

I'd be looking at either changing the location of where you plan to give birth (if that makes you feel more comfortable than her potentially being there) or I'd tell her you've decided to change to X / have a home birth / going to have a late planned section on a different date

You have to start as you mean to on. If you allow her to bully you and override your wishes now it’ll only get worse once the baby is here as you’ll re enforce her belief she’s entitled and correct to behave this way.

Those early moments are so precious & time you don’t get again, in your little bubble with your baby & DP. Don’t let her take that away from you.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable in anything you’ve said. Wishing you strength in standing your ground & lots of luck for the future.

100% you are not being unreasonable. Focus on you and your baby and don't let her pressure you. I'm very close to my mum but I would never have wanted her there at the birth or immediately after. The alone time I had with DD in those first few hours once DH had gone home was so precious.

Is it actually a public waiting room? My maternity hospital has a waiting area but it can only be accessed by being buzzed in and out and it’s generally where women wait to be triaged!

I don’t think I’d be happy to show up in labour with my sick bowl and be sat amongst every Tom Dick and Harry while they wait to hear about labour progress!

OP your mum is all about her. You actually should speak to your midwife and have it on your notes that she is not to be allowed in.

Saying she will turn up at the hospital is batshit.

As it happens we didn’t tell anyone I was at the hospital until after the baby was born (and there was no risk of anyone turning up as during Covid and people weren’t allowed in anyway).

A family member (not our mum) did barge in when my sister had just given birth and it was just so disrespectful to the new family and their wishes.

You’re in a very different position this time around, make this a clean break from her controlling ways. I would not be leaving my baby with her.

The fact that you didn’t stop sharing your location with her until your partner mentioned it was intrusive is an indicator of how much you have been brainwashed to think her behaviour is ‘normal’.

Good luck and enjoy the arrival of your next child.

My mum was pretty similar! I had my first at 18, then and 2 more. She took over completely and was awfully overbearing and wouldn’t keep her beak out. It caused numerous rows with my then partner.

I have had another child now (20 years on) and because of how she was with my first 3 kids, she rarely gets to see my baby. It’s her own doing because she just doesn’t learn. She can stamp her feet all she wants, I’m not interested.

OP I would let the whole family see the baby before your mother, she has to be put in her place.

yanbu but give her some grace think how involved she had to be last time
to help her child having a child, this has set up expectations.

Speak to your midwife and make sure it’s written in the notes.

Speak to the midwife in charge at the labour ward, make sure it’s written in your notes.

Do it again during change of staff.

Don’t be afraid to mention it to whoever, as many times as you feel you need to.

Tell your DH he’s in charge of protecting you and your baby.

And when she sulks, who cares? More peace and quiet for you all.

I would start telling her you will 100% tell her when you go into labour, then don't. She won't let go otherwise

I'm so glad my mum or mother-in-law is not like this one bit..don't you see how weird tracking is and ugh I dunno you need to make some very strong boundaries. Very similar situation but neither mums made a fuss when we said we wanted birth together then couple of days alone and older child to meet sibling then would invite around. All went very nicely no pressure from anyone as it should be

i told the labour ward that I didn’t want any visitors they wrote it on the board next to my name and didn’t let anyone into the waiting room or my room when baby was here.

She is telling you that your husband isn’t good enough to be there and you will need her not him. Put yourself in his shoes. How would that make you feel? It’s not going to be a great experience for either of you if she’s looming over you. It needs addressed before the birth. As someone who has a mum who needs to feel needed so that they have a purpose in life, it’s toxic and won’t get better without strong boundaries in place. This should be a moment of joy, not stress. Put it in a letter, soften the wording, think about telling her how she is making you feel. How shitty what she is doing is. Her actions are unhinged. What is her other outlet in life except you? She needs to focus on that.

No, this isn't welcoming behaviour! Its causing stress, anxiety and weighing @myfriendsfamily down at what should be a happy time!!

Welcoming behaviour would be "let me know when baby is here and ill come visit when youre ready!" Not "im going to stalk you in a hospital waiting room!"

I hope you'll take on the advice OP and speak to your DM as your last response suggests you still won't be.

My MIL brought my eldest to the hospital and waited in another room while my child met their sibling. Then she came in when invited. It's not difficult to give space and respect the parents' wishes.

In a couple of days you could send a text saying you are heading down to the hospital as you've had some early signs of labour. She can then sit in the waiting room until she realises you are not there. Tell her you were mistaken, then repeat the process every couple of days. By the time you are actually in labour she will presume its a false alarm.

This. At our hospital there are no waiting rooms on labour ward, there's a seating area on the birth centre but you have to be buzzed through 2 security doors so it would be very very difficult for someone to turn up uninvited. The nearest anyone could wait would be the cafe 2 floors away!

Like pp suggested I would just say sure I'll let you know, then don't. I didn't want families knowing when I went in to labour either time, but only because I didn't want them to be worrying.

I accidentally voted you were unreasonable! Please ignore my vote!
Your mum is making this all about her which is unfair. You can tell the hospital you don't want anyone to know when you are in labour and hopefully they won't tell her.
Good luck xx

Your mum should be delighted that this time around you are getting to experience having a baby with a loving and supportive partner, and the mature thing for her to do would be to express her love for you by stepping back and allowing you to have the birth you want.

don’t doubt yourself, you are in the right.

I'd start by:

Every time she says you better tell me when you're in labour - Of course I will mum.

When you're actually in labour - don't tell her.

Get a taxi to the hospital so she can't find your car.

Let her know once the baby has arrived and your son has met her.

When she says why didn't you tell me - Oh everything happened so fast and I just forgot. No-one else knew either.

Bloody hell she sounds bonkers, I would tell her after I’d had the baby and back home. I’d also ask the ward staff to not confirm if your a patient in case she phones up whilst you’ve been admitted to give birth.

If you think there’s a risk that she really will show up, tell the midwives when you get to hospital. They will ensure that only your DP is allowed at your bedside.

Either tell her that Youll notify her as soon as youre in labour (with no intention of doing so) to lull her into a false sense of security and tell her after you get home that baby is here
or
make up a future date for a c section knowing baby will be here before then, just to lull her into a false sense of security and get peace in the meantime 🤣

OP, what happened in the end?

This