To not tell my Mum when I go into labour?

[myfriendsfamily]

I am almost 37 weeks pregnant and DP and I are very excited to welcome our daughter into the world soon.

I already have one DS 17 to a previous marriage. I had him when I was only 17 myself. DS and I are very close. When I had DS, I naturally lent on my Mum for support.

I am now almost 35 and in a very happy and secure relationship. DP has been amazing throughout the pregnancy and I have felt very looked after and cared for. This time around, I only want DP as my birthing partner and have expressed this to all of our families.
My Mum can’t seem to truly accept it though. Whilst she isn’t pushing to be in the labour room, she is telling me that she will be in the waiting room from start to finish because I “might” change my mind. I won’t. She also wants to be the first person to meet our daughter because she has created a bit of a competitive situation with DP’s parents. This is a whole different thread for a different day.

I know my Mum and this isn’t about me as such. It’s about getting to meet the baby sooner than everyone else and feeling important. We don’t want anyone to meet our DD before my DS has.

She uses ‘Find my iPhone’ to track all of her family members, but I recently decided to stop sharing my location with her because DP found it intrusive and didn’t like us being tracked. She made a comment that in the weeks leading up to DD’s birth, she will head to the hospital and wait every day to see if I turn up (because she can no longer see)!
I told her that was silly and she said I had better let her know when I go into labour then.

I have decided that I really don’t want her, or anyone else to know when I am in labour. I really struggled to concentrate while I laboured my DS because I knew everyone was waiting outside, plus, I hated the influx of visitors immediately after birth! I never want to do that again and I know she’ll be expecting that.

So, AIBU to not let her know when I’ve gone into labour and to simply notify everyone together when DD has been safely delivered? I would genuinely appreciate some perspective here.

She sounds unhinged. I think you need to have a boundaries conversation with her.

We didn’t tell anyone with either because we didn’t want constant texts and calls asking for updates. Nobody questioned it, most of the women in the family did that when they were having babies. Everyone always got a photo of the baby in the group chat once we have showered and settled in the bed.

Don’t tell anyone. I adored my mum and didn’t tell her a thing. My son’s dad rang her and told her after the birth. Turn your phone off and let her be told when it’s all over. You can frame it as not wanting her to be worried.

I would actually wait until the next day to tell her after the baby is born.

Make sure every second day or so you go absolutely silent for a few hours so she is used to you not answering your phone right away.

She needs to understand this is your birth, your body, and your rules, she doesn't get to dictate anything here.

I had a perfectly normal Mum who respected me and normal boundaries, but I didn't tell her when we went in with dc1. Perfectly normal thing to do.

The fact that your Mum is clearly unhinged means she would definitely not be told. I think I'd add it to any birth plan so it was really clear to the hospital too, that you had made it clear to her she was not to come to the hospital.

I can't understand what the 2% who voted YABU are thinking? I'd love for them to come and explain in what way they think you are.

Turn on tracking. Leave phone at home.

I didn’t tell anyone when I went into labour. They found out after baby was born. You should watch Shauna The Mom on YouTube. Your Mum sounds like Barb (a character on the channel)

YANBU but if I was you, I’d just lie and tell her that you’ll notify her. It’ll get her off your back. After you’ve had the baby you can just say that it all happened very quickly.

She sounds nuts but even if she was less nutty, I would keep it to myself. I won’t have another baby but if I did, I wouldn’t tell my mother I was in labour again. The whole family knew within minutes and I ended up turning my phone off due to the messages coming through.

To be fair I've got a good relationship with my DM with healthy boundaries and I still didn't tell her I was in labour as I wasn't up to messaging people once I was in labour.

I mean I can’t imagine not wanting my mom there, she was in the waiting room with both of mine and only wasn’t there as I had to have c sections so only one allowed. However, she wouldn’t force that upon me and the find my iPhone thing is a bit much isn’t it. She needs to respect your wishes.

This silent period idea is a very good one.

May I also suggest you make sure she has not roped in your DS to tell her when/where birth is taking place. My mum would absolutely do that.

Good luck with all of it!!

I agree with one of the replies - tell he she is
making you stress and it’s not good for the baby.

Also tell the your family you aren’t having any hospital visitors apart from your DH and DS and you’ll meet them after you’ve had some time at home.

This!

Don’t tell her, have the baby and get your ds in to see her

Then phone both yours and DP parents and tell them and they can all come in together

So many people want to welcome your baby. Think of it that way and stop being so precious.

You're lucky you've never had to experience anything like this.

Her DM doesn't want to welcome her baby. She wants to win an imaginary competition she's invented in her mind and is going to psychotic levels to do so. I certainly wouldn't want that type of insanity around.

This is spot on!

Sounds like your family might be a bit enmeshed now and you’re trying to set some perfectly normal boundaries. Which your Mum is just ignoring.

This doesn't make your Mum a bad person. But you are being perfectly reasonable (and surprisingly healthy) in the boundaries you are now trying to carve out. Stick to your guns and absolutely tell her that you will not be having visitors after the birth until at least a few days.

Put ‘no visitors’ in your birth preferences/plan and speak to the midwives. They will move your mum on if she tries to overstep and will keep you in your little birthing bubble. You’re not 17 anymore, OP, and you have a loving, supportive relationship and family of your own. Your mum needs to learn that this will take precedence over her and she fits into that not the other way around.

Good luck OP (and I will be doing the same with my mum/wider family a few weeks after you!). We’re not going to tell anyone until she’s here!

I didn't even tell people when I was actually due. I didn't tell anyone that I was in labour. I just told them when I had a baby 🙂

Of course YANBU. We didn’t even tell anyone my due date and were deliberately vague about when we’d had scans so they didn’t work it out based on the usual 12 and 20 weeks. Nobody knew I was in labour until we made the announcement that he’d arrived. Nobody has any god given right to YOUR child and YOUR medical information.

As someone who is also a member of the “nutty mother club”, I would just play along- for now. She wants attention- which is why she’s saying silly things like “I’ll wait at the hospital until you give birth.” It’s mental.

At this late in your pregnancy, you don’t need the stress. Tell her you’ve had a think, and you do think you she should be first to know. Tell her you’ll call her once labour starts. She’ll feel like she’s won and will back off a bit.

But when the time comes, call after the birth and son has met baby. Just say it happened so quickly etc etc. She can’t do much once baby is here. You can then put boundaries in after.

I spent a lot of my high risk pregnancy trying to balance my mother. I even had a nurse ban me from taking her calls as my BP kept shooting through the roof after- and it was high due to pre-eclampsia anyway. You don’t need that sort of stress now.

God, she sounds awful! YANBU

Incorrect. At least regarding my DM intentions anyway.

She actually paints it as wanting to be there for “her baby” just incase my DP does a shit job at supporting me. She has also said she wants to be there incase any big medical decision need to be made for me if I am not able to advocate for myself. I have told her that while I understand, it’s completely unnecessary since my DP has this handled. She won’t listen.

I have gently asked her not to come and she said that it isn’t my call while ever she sits in the waiting room because it’s a public waiting room. No matter what I say to her, she believes she knows what’s best and will do what pleases her. This is why I have reached the decision I have. I am hoping she’s bluffing when she says she will head down there every day in the weeks around my due date as I can’t see how it’s logistically possible.

You mum is the exact opposite of mine who wasn't bothered about me, the pregnancy, birth or GS when he arrived. That was bad enough but yours is definitely worse. Don't tell her until you're home.