Mediating between teen and dh…again

[dobbysvest]

Ds(14) and dh (not his bio dad) generally get along well. Dh and I have been together since ds was 4 so not a new relationship and we also have a reception age child together.

Dh thinks I baby ds a lot which I am guilty of. He think he should be given more chores and responsibilities and pulled up on his attitude. He has a point.

The way ds speaks sometimes is rude and challenging. Lots of ‘shut ups’ and occasional name calling which starts in banter/jest but can descend into rudeness quite quickly. However he is generally a well behaved lad, never had any issues with school or bad behaviour out of the house. He just unleashes a lot of his angst on us which I suppose is fairly typical for teens and their parents. He feels safe with us.

Dh has occasionally lost his rag and shouted which is awful. Other times he will just go silent, ignore ds and create an atmosphere which is also shit. I am constantly mediating between the two, trying to pull ds up on his bad attitude and enforce reasonable consequences without completely alienating him and also getting Dh to manage his expectations and reactions.

I do strongly believe that the fact he isn’t his bio dad plays a part. I have unconditional love for my son no matter how much of a git he is being. Dh obviously doesn’t have that and although he loves him and has done a lot for him over the years, I guess he finds this behaviour harder to live with.

Theres no need for all of the ‘this is what happens when you get a new man’ shit that I know people will inevitably come out with. It’s too late for that now. And for the most part we are very happy. But I just wondered how people manage the teenage years with the stepparent dynamic? I suspect even bio dads/sons fall out when the testosterone gets going. I’m just so drained of being the one in the middle trying to manage everyone’s feelings and behaviour.

Probably not what you want to hear OP but for us the difficulty in navigating the teen/step parent dynamic was partly responsible for our divorce. Ex H had been in DD’s life since she was 6 and they got on brilliantly together (her bio dad is out of the picture) but as soon as she turned 13/14 it all went downhill and never recovered.

He had unreasonably high expectations + demands of DD (very much a do as I say, not as I do attitude..) which resulted in the two of them being constantly at war in her latter teenage years. When not having arguments they barely spoke or acknowledged each other.

I would find it very hard to live with a rude teen telling me to shut up etc, do you let this go or are there consequences?

I think being a step-parent to a teen is incredibly difficult- that said your DH does sound a bit immature himself.

Have you discussed this with them? What do either of them think should change? Personally I might consider establishing some stronger boundaries with your DS over respect etc, then maybe your DH might not feel that he has to get involved.

I am thinking being told to "shut up" is seen as acceptable behavior by him as there are "lots"...I would have a conversation with him about that and make him aware how that could make other people feel. I have never been told to "shut up" and I have two teenagers, I don't think it's on he is doing that, it will create tension.

Have they always generally got on well or has this changed too?

obvs you have a dh problem firstly but no one should be telling anyone to shut up

I had this problem and it was bio dad.

fathers and sons butting heads is unfortunately very common in bio families and step families.

they just did not get on.

DS saw his dad as uncaring (and tbh he had a point - dad was very disengaged from parenting and not around much but did a lot of criticising when ge was)

his dad saw him as disrespectful and grumpy (which honestly was also true).

The trouble is once they get into a negative spiral it’s very hard to get them out if it. The teen will find it harder to change than the adult and often the adult sees what in the end is pretty normal teen behaviour as a lack of respect.

no advice, sorry.

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Your DH thinks that your son should be pulled up on his attitude, and you agree that he has a point. Does this mean that currently he isn’t pulled up on it? Why not?

Why don’t you sort your sons attitude out and see if that helps?

He is certainly pulled up on it but I think Dh feels there should be more serious consequences. I try to see the bigger picture - yes ds can be rude and surly but he is overall a well behaved, sensible boy who doesn’t really cause us any issues. And he’s at an age where his hormones are raging and moods are all the place.

This holds no truck with Dh however and he seems to expect perfection.

When they have a row they just won’t speak for days after and the atmosphere it creates is horrible.

How do you pull him up on it? What are the consequences? It is obviously not working. I had 4 brothers, none of them or I spoke to our parents this way. I find your excuses lacking to be honest. Something is missing and I can't figure out what it is. FYI our parents told us off if we spoke rudely and gave proper consequence but nothing extreme and things that would still stand today as good healthy parenting.

I have a 14 yr old DS who would only ever call me a name or tell me to shut up once and once only.

If you feel that's a well behaved child then I can see DHs point

So your teenage children never showed one ounce of rebellion or moodiness? Ok then.
My isn’t perfect, far from it. But he is a teenager. He is growing into a man and I do believe he and dh butt heads in some sort of male ego/alpha dog way.
I am not excusing his attitude. At times it stinks. But I try to see the bigger picture. There are boys his age drinking, vaping, fighting and bullying. Boys who are constantly in isolation or expelled from school because they can’t behave. Ds does give us lip but out of the house is sensible and well behaved.

Dh thinks I baby ds a lot which I am guilty of. He think he should be given more chores and responsibilities and pulled up on his attitude. He has a point.
And what are YOU doing about this then? You agree with DH so it's down to you to change it.

The way ds speaks sometimes is rude and challenging. Lots of ‘shut ups’ and occasional name calling which starts in banter/jest but can descend into rudeness quite quickly.
That is not acceptable. Ever. What are YOU doing to stop this behaviour? No child in my family circle (neices, nephews, godchildren) have ever name-called or told an adult to shut up.

This is not about mediating between DH and son.

I don't think its step dads role to dictate this kind of thing, its yours, thats how we did it, worked well

OP asks opinions, gets opinions she doesn’t like, but argues she’s still right…..

Agree on the “shut up” etc. if you would never speak to him like that, he should NEVER speak to you or DH in that manner either. End of.

So your ds is being very rude and you quite rightly pull him up on that, but your h responds by sulking, shouting, and giving you both the silent treatment? Do you pull him up on that? His behaviour is worse than your son’s, and he’s being a terrible role model.

I’d talk to your h, tell him how you feel, and ask him to be an adult and behave in a more mature and acceptable way. I’d point out that he’s being abusive and hypocritical, and that if it carries on you’ll leave him.

This.

You need to deal properly with your son’s rudeness. It’s not acceptable.

And give him more chores (assuming your h does his share of chores)?

I have 6 kids, 5 are 18+ now and I can hand on heart say they have never told me to shut up or called me names, ever.

Whilst it’s not ok for a teen to be telling family members to “shut up”, I think it’s interesting that step parents and partners of parents often describe non-biological children as “spoilt”. Just an observation after growing up in a house where this term was bandied around by a non-parent…

You seem to be justifying going easy on him because he's not out causing trouble etc. it feels like you are in denial. I've raised 3 boys and whilst the teenage years were challenging they never once told me to shut up.
Why shouldt he face consequences for his actions just because you "keep seeing the bigger picture"? Wny shouldnt he be doing chores etc around the house?

That sounds really hard. I also have a 14 year old son and sometimes he has a bit of an attitude but I do always consider his behaviour generally and I do think with teenagers it’s best not to go over the top and be too harsh with discipline. You want to leave the door open for them to still chat to you and their hormones are a tricky point at that age. I certainly wouldn’t want anyone not speaking for days on end. In fact, I wouldn’t want a telling off or bad atmosphere to drag on for more than an hour really. What the point on dragging it out?! Sounds like your husband needs to be far more patient, it will be interesting to see how he responds to his biological teenager when they’re at that stage.

Would you want to live with a partner who did no chores and told you to shut up? This is what you are potentially raising. Stop babying him.

Your DH’s behaviour isn’t great either.

You all need to up your game. Is his dad on the scene?

We’re out the other side of this situation now (I’m the step parent) and we had a very similar moments when I lost my patience (sulking for days is obviously too far though). My experience is that you do need to be working together and it can’t just be your approach rules as your his biological parent; this is where DH and I fell out as I felt that if I was bringing a child up (she lives with us full time) then I should have a say in parenting. My experience is you to have to be quite hard on the rudeness, DH wasn’t and our older teen still thinks they can talk to him rudely and we can no longer pretend it was teenage hormones that they’ll grow out of.
At one point we saw a counsellor (just me and DH) to help us find a shared view which helped . You need a shared view otherwise your DH being stricter will ruin his relationship with your son and ultimately your couple relationship

Also your DH needs to meet you in the middle about these things too. Best tip I ever read about teens is that once you’re got in an argument with them you’ve already lost; you set the boundaries and you explain why but you don’t argue. Also I was parenting a toddler and a teen at the same time and the skills are the same - consistency, ignore the tantrums and be able to laugh about things

Does DS apologise to DH for telling him to shut up?