Mediating between teen and dh…again

[dobbysvest]

Ds(14) and dh (not his bio dad) generally get along well. Dh and I have been together since ds was 4 so not a new relationship and we also have a reception age child together.

Dh thinks I baby ds a lot which I am guilty of. He think he should be given more chores and responsibilities and pulled up on his attitude. He has a point.

The way ds speaks sometimes is rude and challenging. Lots of ‘shut ups’ and occasional name calling which starts in banter/jest but can descend into rudeness quite quickly. However he is generally a well behaved lad, never had any issues with school or bad behaviour out of the house. He just unleashes a lot of his angst on us which I suppose is fairly typical for teens and their parents. He feels safe with us.

Dh has occasionally lost his rag and shouted which is awful. Other times he will just go silent, ignore ds and create an atmosphere which is also shit. I am constantly mediating between the two, trying to pull ds up on his bad attitude and enforce reasonable consequences without completely alienating him and also getting Dh to manage his expectations and reactions.

I do strongly believe that the fact he isn’t his bio dad plays a part. I have unconditional love for my son no matter how much of a git he is being. Dh obviously doesn’t have that and although he loves him and has done a lot for him over the years, I guess he finds this behaviour harder to live with.

Theres no need for all of the ‘this is what happens when you get a new man’ shit that I know people will inevitably come out with. It’s too late for that now. And for the most part we are very happy. But I just wondered how people manage the teenage years with the stepparent dynamic? I suspect even bio dads/sons fall out when the testosterone gets going. I’m just so drained of being the one in the middle trying to manage everyone’s feelings and behaviour.

Your teenager sounds normal, and the way you are trying to manage him also sounds both normal and reasonable.

You have a DH problem. He needs to be better educated about teen behaviour and the reasons for it. He needs to shift his expectations of both your teen and you.
And he, frankly, needs to grow up and learn to respond in an adult manner to issues at home rather than just reacting in the heat of the moment, and behaving like an idiot.

I'm a step-parent to a teen and if my DSD ever told me to shut up, DH would be all over it and it would never happen again. Not saying that she is perfect (far form it - mood swings, lots of staying in her room and not communicating, face like thunder if she isn't allowed to do what she wants etc) but there are some things that are absolutely not allowed and speaking to an adult like that is one of them.

you're allowing your DS to be disrespectful to yourself and another adult.

You cannot reasonably expect your DH to not react to someone telling him to shut up or being cheeky to him especially when you say he doesn't really do it with his own dad. He's pushing boundaries which is enabled by you.

Children are meant to respect adults. When you start defending a child who disrespects an adult you've lost the argument.

If you are a blended family the step parent should be allowed to discipline the step child. If you do this you give them the green light to be disrespectful to your partner - is it any wonder blended families break down so much.

Those are extreme parallels to draw. The standard shouldn't be "well he isn't doing drugs". There is always someone who is going to be worse. Always.

The standard should be "we do not tolerate rudeness and disrespect". That should be the standard.

I do feel like you are part of the problem making excuses. Your DH may also be part of the problem depending on how he is handling the situation. But the biggest problem right now is both parents are not united in this issue on how to tackle it ans your son knows it. Hence why he isn't changing. Just because he is a good kid in your eyes doesn't mean he can't be better and you should want to strive to make him the best person he can be. Basic manners and respect is a basic standard to live by. Not saying he won't make mistakes but making the same repeated mistake at his age shows he has no respect for your DH or maybe even you if you are speaking to him and he is ignoring it basically.

Your husband doesn't agree with how you're parenting your son and his reaction to your son's extreme rudeness is to shout or go silent for days.

Your husband's expectations of your son's behaviour are that he not name-call or tell the two of you to shut up. He just wants the most basic level of civility here.

Do you really think that's an unreasonable expectation? In my house, that would be the bare minimum. There would be consequences for that disrespectful behaviour. I think you're making a lot of excuses to avoid coming down on your son for flagrant disrespect. Your standards are lower than your husband's.

I think your marriage is in trouble. You disagree deeply on parenting. You allow behaviour from your son towards the two of you that you wouldn't to put up with from anyone else. Your son isn't doing regular chores and housework. You two have a child together who will be influenced by their older brother's behaviour. I think your husband going silent is a reaction to a lot of disrespect in the home but he's getting fed up, as would most people.

Your DH is an adult. Yes rudeness or disrespect need to be addressed but shouting or the silent treatment are unacceptable reactions. He needs to connect with your son and apologise for his part. Otherwise your son is learning that you deal with disagreements by shouting or silent treatment for days on end.

Your DH is an adult and shouldn't a) expect perfection from a teenager, b) kick off, c) give the silent treatment.

I'm not saying LTB, but unless you're lying about your DS being generally a good lad (which I don't believe you are), this is something your DH needs to work on to change.

I appreciate all of the views and I think the difference of opinions on who is at fault (bit of both really) makes it clear that it isn’t clear cut.

I don’t stand for rudeness. My standards of parenting are not low. I do pull ds up on his attitude when it strays from banter into rudeness. And I try to step in before it escalates into a row. It is draining for me to manage both of their behaviour. Dh isn’t perfect. He does wind ds up sometimes but I do understand that as an adult it isn’t nice to be told to shut up or called a name by a child especially one that isn’t yours.

I have tried to make some time today to discuss this with ds and asked him to tone it down. His response was “well he annoys me when he does xyz” so at least that’s something to work on with Dh too.

One of the issues between my DH and DS was that DH wasn't fully understanding that DS was no longer a child, he was transforming into an adult and boundaries needed to evolve.

It was complicated by the fact DS was ND and in many ways young for his age, so on the one hand we were parenting a headstrong teen wanting more leeway, but on the other hand we were also dealing with a child who was full of anxieties and the actuality of getting more leeway was quite scary for him, it made him feel less secure.

DH found this transitional time very difficult as he never seemed to get the balance right.

It did work out in the end though, DS is 23, still young for his age, more like late teens, but they have a good relationship.

Outside pov, despite being in your ds’ life for what, 10 years, your Dh and ds don’t get on and you say you do baby him. Being told to shut up is a red rag to a bull, don’t think I’d tolerate that either. You say ds gets annoyed when Dh does xyz, but I think this is very much a two way street and sorry, no, I wouldn't a tolerate a teen (or anyone else) telling me to shut up and behaviour descending into rudeness. It seems like he isn’t treating your Dh with the respect he should.

Even in your post you admit you baby your son too much and your dp has a point about his attitude. Added to that he swears as you and you think we'll as long as his behaviour is not a concern outside if home, it's not an issue.

Your DP is right and you need to parent your child. Your other child (your DPS bio child) will be seeing and picking up on these behaviours

"don’t stand for rudeness. My standards of parenting are not low."

"Lots of ‘shut ups’ and occasional name calling which starts in banter/jest but can descend into rudeness quite quickly."

Telling adults to shut up and name calling are not banter, they're talking shit and that's rude AF. You're making excuses for him. You do stand for rudeness by calling it banter when it's not. Not requiring him to operate at a basic level of civility in the home is a low standard.

If your 14 year old is not doing many chores or have responsibilities around the house, you're teaching him he doesn't have to pull his weight, housework and chores are done by other people, but not him. He should be cleaning and doing laundry and other household chores to a high level at 14 and be taking some of that load off you. He should be able to cook basic meals.

Do you think your son is well on his way to being a functional adult when he is so disrespectful and isn't pulling his weight around the house?

What does your husband see? He sees a 14 year old who's being "babied, which I guess is his word for being lazy and disrespectful in the home without consequences. I don't know how you're going to compromise your very different approaches to parenting and this is a big issues given it's already causing a lot of dissension in your home. He's not going to let things slide like you do.

His response was “well he annoys me when he does xyz”

So what if he gets annoyed by someone else. He's going to go through life being annoyed by other people and he needs to learn to stop reacting to them.

As long as your DH isn't doing anything ridiculous he should not change his behaviour because your DS doesn't like it. No wonder kids feel entitled.

In a calmer moment ask your DS for advice on this. That is what I do with my DDs. As teenage know it alls they love to give advice. I take them out for a coffee one on one and then ask them.

”can I ask what you would do in my situation?”

Then just outline my perspective factually not emotionally, allow them to challenge anything they don’t see eye to eye on, that allows me to figure out their triggers from what they come back with and what feels unfair for their point of view. We don’t have to agree just keep the conversation going and then when we have somewhat agreed a combined perspective, this does involve me considering carefully what they are saying too, I ask them what they would do if they were in my shoes.

I strive to keep the conversation calm and peaceful at all costs so if something triggers I will say I can see that has upset you or something akin to that.

It is all about trying to create a conversation where they have a voice too often teens feel like they are being controlled by others.

I have tried to make some time today to discuss this with ds and asked him to tone it down.

No not tone it down, stop. He needs to totally stop with the name calling and rudeness and the feeling of entitlement that he can do this without consequences except possibly a "chat". You are allowing your son to become abusive and it doesn't bode well for future girlfriends/partners if he thinks he can be shitty like this. Go for zero tolerance and raise a decent human being.

This happens with my DH and DS, DH is his bio dad so I'm not sure it's anything to do with step parents. My DH is more authoritarian and has less patience than me.

I'm reminded of Sex and the City: 'Honey, you just compared your relationship to cancer.'

Don't look at the most troubled/ dysfunctional teen boys and say 'At least DS isn't as bad as that'; look at the respectful, hardworking and gracious ones and encourage your DS to aspire to their standards.

OP I have a version of this too with my almost 16 year old son and his bio dad. DS was a very challenging child and I find my DH has less patience with him that with our other children. He therefore gets riled up quicker and is quicker to respond (negatively) to DS's behaviour.
It has caused me so much upset as they went through a stage of getting into an argument 5 secs after DH got in the door from work. He would immediately pull DS up on something, DS would react badly and they would argue.

I sat DH down and explained he was ruining his r/ship with his son. That DS was making a huge effort to manage his emotions and nitpicking on small issues wasnt helping. I said he had to pick his battles better.

One thing that DH never did was let the argument go overnight. No matter what happened, he always went into DS at bedtime, told him he loved him and kissed him goodnight.

The first thing I would speak with your DP about is the days of silent treatment/not talking - I had this my whole childhood and honestly I cant express how damaging it is.

You need a meeting with the three of you to agree red line behaviours eg telling someone to shut up, or not speaking and take it from there.