AIBU to feel convinced that most people view crying, even if it's an appropriate/logical response to a stressful or upsetting situation, as being soemthing that is inherently shameful or a sign that someone is a weak person?

[Nonoanddefintelyno]

As an adult, I feel much more pressure to not openly show my emotions compared to when I was younger. I often get the sense that generally most people's consensus on crying/showing emotion is that you should never cry over a small upset or just because you're having a day where your hormones are making your emotions much more pronounced. I feel like the only time crying isnt seen as being completely weak as a human behaviour is in exceptional circumstances, such as if someone is going through three or four highly traumatic situations all at once. For example, it sounds completely moronic but I got caught in a rain storm earlier, I went to the group where I have my outreach wellbeing meet up on a Wednesday each week, but I was completely soaked when I arrived and honestly when i got into the building i felt close to tears and i could feel my voice going blubbery/shaky when i walked in because i just felt like i must have looked so unkempt when i arrived with my clothes and shoes sopping wet etc. i tend to honestly cry at least once most days, although I usually try and do it with some discretion so only around people I trust or if someone else is also crying then it feels safer to do. If im being brutally honest, I feel like on past occasions when I've been in the company of people who have a "happy go lucky"/seemingly endlessly positive attitude towards life, I've felt like if i were to express any "sad" or difficult emotions through crying, in front of them, that i'd get criticized or slandered for not being able to match their same happy, carefree, positive attitude

No, I remember girls at school doing this in the early 80s. One hand flapping in front of the face while saying "I'm filling up..." I think its supposed to be drying the tears (to preserve make up) by fanning them.

I read somewhere that men crying is a turn off for women. Women on here describe themselves as ‘sobbing’ over upsets but most women have little time for a man who ‘sobs’. In fact it would be a red flag for most women.

I always say to my kids, that that performative hand waving when on the brink of tears, didn’t exist until the 2000s!

The snag with that is that some parents don’t respond to the crying of even a baby or young child — mine didn’t. Not because they were evil, but because they had no idea how to be parents, had far more children than they could cope with, and we were living with older male extended family whose needs my mother thought should be prioritised over babies, especially if they were girls. As a result I learned very young that there was no point in crying at night because no one would come, and when I got older (were talking five or six), that expressing negative emotions was a ‘nuisance’ and got irritation rather than care in response. As a result, I will be the first to admit I have a fucked-up attitude to my own tears, which I’m dealing with in therapy (well, plus the CSA.)

It’s true!

On MN crying-people seem to think that crying means they feel more upset than people who don't cry, which is nonsense. It's just a body's reaction to stress. Some people cry, others don't.
What I HATE, is when people say, "she made me cry." NO. You made yourself cry.
And "uncontrollably crying" as if that means anything, when it's clearly the actions of someone with emotional incontinence.
If you cry everyday, it becomes meaningless. Like my nose running when the air is cold. It doesn't mean I'm ill.
ETA. Women "having a little cry" 😱

Yes, I think this (and also that crying can be deliberately used to manipulate, especially to manipulate men by women who then make things harder for the rest of us by playing into the stereotype of women being emotionally incontinent/helpless).

Obviously everybody cries at things like bereavement or serious injury, and some people also occasionally cry from intense frustration or if very hormonal and exposed to a trigger, but I would very much negatively judge someone over the age of three who cried 'most days' in normal life and wasn't in or recovering from a major trauma or seeking support with depression. (Runny eyes from hayfever would also not annoy me in this way).

I have NEVER viewed it that way.

I don't regard crying itself as a sign of weakness, it's a natural expression of distress and a good cry helps to get the emotions out the way so practicality can take over.

My 23 year old was crying in my arms the other night at the impending death of our family dog. The dog has cancer, so it's one day at a time. We cried together.

But OP, feeling close to tears every day is not usual. It's still not a sign of weakness, but it does indicate an underlying issue.

It depends on the crying. If I knew you cried easily when upset about something I would just accept that and continue talking to you normally. If I thought it was manipulative I’d probably go away until you stopped. If I thought the tears were from deep distress I’d try to comfort you.

I think my childhood has also impacted my attitude to crying, although indirectly. I grew up with a sister who cried multiple times every single day. Shes 45 and still cries loads. It has made me massively intolerant of tears. My instinctive reaction is often to roll my eyes!

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6795704/
Lits of interesting research on crying here. Until the age of 11 boys and girls tend to cry the same amount. After 11 boys are discouraged from crying by everyone, mothers, fathers, schools, peers. There is no evidence that girls/women are biologically programmed to cry more. However, it is seen as a sign of weakness in men and society would on the whole be horrified by a man crying at work. It is seen as a childish response and embarrassing. Society is much more tolerant of women who cry. Generally the response to adult women who cry is the same as to a child. We try to comfort and support a crying woman. Society has a completely different response to a crying man.
It is interesting that there is no biological reason for women to cry. This study suggests it is not linked to menstruation/ menopause although a lot of women maintain that crying is more common at these times.

As to your question whether people have a very negative view of tears, ime, I find most people have a reasonable attitude. They expect them in situations where strong feelings are proportionate, but less so for everyday things. Personally, I think that's about right. I'm not overly keen on the emerging preoccupation with emotions, and feelings bring constantly validated, and being pushed front and centre. It can be distracting, distort reality and have a negative impact on other people.

Good point.
Only did it once, in the changing rooms of a shop when, whilst trying on a shoddily made item and coouln't get it off again over my normal-sized head.

An occasion that merits tears? Especially if it’s the only way to avoid having to buy the bloody thing…

Also, I don't think that the opposite of constant crying is being "happy go lucky", having a 'seemingly endlessly positive attitude towards life' or being happy or carefree AT ALL.

Ime most people's emotions are largely at a stable equilibrium point where they aren't particularly sad but aren't necessarily especially positively happy either - maybe 'reasonably content' or 'mustn't grumble' but y'know, they'd also rather stay in bed with a cup of tea than have to go to work, and don't like getting caught in the rain either.

An adult being relentlessly cheerful and positive all the time in daily life would also strike me as strange and I would assume they are being fake.

People cry for lots of reasons, I understand that and have no problem with that generally. However my boss cries at any kind of upset, slight, problem (generally caused by them), they are a crap manager and they know this and use crying as a deflection.

I wfh and yesterday was the first anniversary of my dad dying. I burst into tears in a Teams call today when I was told to cheer up as I sounded miserable

I’ve spent a large part of my working life dealing with people who are having the worst day of their lives - I am completely comfortable around tears.

I’ve also worked with enough people to realise that some people’s tears are simply an expression of frustration / other emotion and not necessarily an “I’m so upset I can’t cope” thing. Little difference between crying and shouting in that case, but one is much better tolerated.

Do I prefer it when people generally keep their emotions under control, yes, but I don’t mind it on the odd occasion they don’t because it’s just a part of being human. I’m one of the most self controlled people you can meet but even I have had the odd moment!

Omg ‘a little cry’ makes me feel murderous!

I’ve also worked with enough people to realise that some people’s tears are simply an expression of frustration / other emotion and not necessarily an “I’m so upset I can’t cope” thing. Little difference between crying and shouting in that case, but one is much better tolerated.

I think the idea that shedding a tear means you’re so upset you can’t cope is such a fallacy. I too often see people at the worst times in their lives, sometimes my role means I’m actively making things worse in the short term. Often the tears enable people to cope, they’re able to express and move through their feelings to a more settled place and find a way forward. I’d be pretty shit at both my professional roles if I couldn’t cope with tears and upset, or if I judged someone for being upset.

Thanks so much for this.
I wonder how much luck parents have counteracting the messages boys get from the age of eleven?

If someone burst out crying because they got caught in the rain I'd probably presume they were struggling with life in general and it was a tip of the iceberg type thing. I think that's more emotionally intelligent than viewing it as "weakness."

Not at all. It's been months since our elderly, lovely retriever died but I was in the supermarket yesterday and was buying some yoghurt. I suddenly thought of how I would buy him yoghurt to help his digestion and was moved to tears. Silly, I know but I couldn't help it.

I do understand this. But on the other hand I do find that on anti-depressants I can't cry, even when going through some really hard life events. Except when watching films. It's very weird.

I don't ask publicly for recommendations though!