AIBU to feel convinced that most people view crying, even if it's an appropriate/logical response to a stressful or upsetting situation, as being soemthing that is inherently shameful or a sign that someone is a weak person?

[Nonoanddefintelyno]

As an adult, I feel much more pressure to not openly show my emotions compared to when I was younger. I often get the sense that generally most people's consensus on crying/showing emotion is that you should never cry over a small upset or just because you're having a day where your hormones are making your emotions much more pronounced. I feel like the only time crying isnt seen as being completely weak as a human behaviour is in exceptional circumstances, such as if someone is going through three or four highly traumatic situations all at once. For example, it sounds completely moronic but I got caught in a rain storm earlier, I went to the group where I have my outreach wellbeing meet up on a Wednesday each week, but I was completely soaked when I arrived and honestly when i got into the building i felt close to tears and i could feel my voice going blubbery/shaky when i walked in because i just felt like i must have looked so unkempt when i arrived with my clothes and shoes sopping wet etc. i tend to honestly cry at least once most days, although I usually try and do it with some discretion so only around people I trust or if someone else is also crying then it feels safer to do. If im being brutally honest, I feel like on past occasions when I've been in the company of people who have a "happy go lucky"/seemingly endlessly positive attitude towards life, I've felt like if i were to express any "sad" or difficult emotions through crying, in front of them, that i'd get criticized or slandered for not being able to match their same happy, carefree, positive attitude

This

Sometimes, if something visual or otherwise, brings to mind others suffering, I feel an overwhelming surge of raw emotion that makes the tears roll.
I don't think it's weakness or strength.
It doesn't matter if people are around or not.
There's a lot to cry about in the world at the moment 😥

I must admit I do find people that cry all the time quite annoying. I really don’t know why, and I feel bad that I have that reaction. It’s just kind of irritating and I do usually think ‘Christ just pull yourself together’ if someone is crying for something very minor.

I think part of it as well is that it’s usually only women that do this. So if I’m working with a colleague who’s a woman and she starts crying over something that is really minor then I feel kind of embarrassed about it for them. Also a bit let down that it’s making us look like the weakest sex, especially in the workplace.

Don’t get me wrong I know that there are situations where it is perfectly fine to cry, and I certainly always hide the judgement I have on this. But if I’m honest, that is how I feel.

Crying “at least once,most days” (so sometimes crying multiple times a day?!) is not simply normal or healthy, and you should address that.
If I was at work and was aware one of my colleagues did this it would definitely affect my impression of them, even if their actual work was flawless for example.

"In most situations I find crying attention seeking and manipulative and I dislike it. It's making it all about the person crying and is requiring the people around them to focus on her"

Yeah this. It IS manipulative to cry over basically nothing. It's like a get out of jail free card. You can fuck up and get away with it just because you cry. You see kids do it. One kid will punch another, get shouted at by the first one and then cry and get all the attention.
Obviously if there is a genuinely sad or traumatic situation then it's different. Bad news / illness in the family / loss of job something like that TOTALLY different. But crying for normal every day annoyances is really self centred in my view, rather than a sign of "emotional intelligence".

I don’t think outward display of strong emotions of any kind has much place in the workplace at all tbh - certainly not on a frequent basis, and particularly not ones like anger, frustration, sadness to the level of crying. Somebody who expresses their emotions like that in front of other people “most days” rather than only very occasionally in extreme or exceptional situations needs to get a handle on it and work to identify and address the underlying causes.

I don’t think crying is “weak”, but if you’re doing it all the time and ascribing it to “hormones” or over minor grievances such as a rainy day or something not going as planned, you’re going to be making those around you uncomfortable and on edge, never knowing what might happen to set you off, and probably feeling as though they have to actively hide their own opinions or feelings on something to avoid having to have a display of you crying.

It is viewed as being weak but emotionally intelligent people will recognise it as stimulation from lack of exposure to a novel situation.

There are techniques online which will help you manage this which is important in professional settings.

Not saying emotion is wrong, but no point in pretending it isn't viewed in a certain way under certain circumstances, so help is there if wanted.

I had to practice and much better now!

Right now I’ve got a friend who is dying so I’m closer to tears as a base line than I might otherwise be. I cry relatively easily, but I’ve had a lot of grief in my life. I know full well that crying for a minute (and I do mean a minute) helps me to reset. There’s a reason for them they help your body shed cortisol thus crying helps you to become calmer. I loathe people who regard them as a sign of weakness. Crying is a completely normal human response to stress. There are times I cry when I wish I didn’t but that is one of my body’s stress responses. I’m not talking full on sobbing just a few tears, It doesn’t make me weak, pretty sure none of my friends/acquaintances would level that at me, but that’s how my stress/distress shows itself.

I don’t think people are weak but people that cry over ridiculous things annoy me. Honestly I’ve seen posts on SM of people asking for recommendations for sad films because they “need a good cry”! Really?! Does anyone actually do that?

if people are genuinely upset I’m the first one with a hug and comfort though.

Sure, but isn’t a more usual response to getting caught in the rain and looking damp and unkempt mild annoyance? Or humour?

Omg the hand waving, what’s that all about! 😂

😀

Where do you stand on the rending of garments?

I think some people see tears as a bigger deal than others, thinking of crying as a very high level emotional response reserved for the extremely upset. This means that they feel very uncomfortable around tears, feeling they've had big emotions dumped on them, which they find difficult to respond to. It can also be distracting, as the attention turns to the cryers emotions rather than any matter at hand. Sometimes people then censor or restrict themselves because the other person is 'so upset', which can be really inhibiting, particularly at work.
Other people will see tears in situations they feel don't warrant them (such as your example) and think the person is over dramatising, attention seeking and unable to manage things with proportionate emotion.
I think if you're an easy cryer and get tearful over smaller things, or regularly, you probably need to acknowledge it. So when the tears start explain you're fine, it's just an automatic reaction, you're not terribly upset etc, then focus on what you're supposed to be doing, rather than how you feel wherever possible.

Ooh, i remember that one 😂

I swear this (yes, murderously annoying) gesture has been learned from reality tv! I don’t think it’s something women used to do when crying, or trying not to cry, before the very recent past, and I think it’s what a certain kind of person does when she has learned behavioural norms from dimwit tv . It may also have something to do with having nails of a length that make actual eye-rubbing unwise, and wearing giant fake lashes that probably also make eye-rubbing unwise. Hence the helpless flapping towards the eyes without touching.

I’ve always worked in secondary schools. Teachers cry quite a bit (rarely in front of the kids). Things like sad situations with children, stress, frustration, when a pupil does really well, when you say goodbye to a class you’ve been with a long time, leaving speeches etc. Pupils cry a lot. Boys and girls both cry pretty equally (I wonder why that changes when they become older). It seems quite normal to me. I don’t know anyone who cries in an annoying way.

The only time I've cried at work was fuelled by anger. I was so bloody furious with the lies and bullshit my then manager was accusing me of I cried. I however did make it clear it was due to this and not me crying out of capitulation to him or my own shame of wrong doing.

Is that your assumption of her expectations or her actual expectations though?

I've come across people who are expecting a big fanfare and the world to stop when they cry "I'm crying my eyes out and no one cares!"

But I also sometimes cry when I would really rather not and it's as frustrating for me as for other people because I'm assumed to be attention seeking and manipulative, but people won't leave you alone for a second to compose yourself either and feel the need to confront you over it, or at the very least eye roll and huff, or offer awkward platitudes, just bugger off and give me a minute, I'm as frustrated by it as you are, but you deciding that I "Need telling" has no other effect than to make it worse because I've now been accused of doing something purposefully that actually in that moment I have no control over (or I wouldn't be doing it!). I don't have any expectations of sympathy, but that doesn't stop people deciding I do and reacting to that when just leaving me alone for a minute would resolve the situation and we can all move on with the day.

Strong Emotional responses are not just a sign of immaturity or not having trained the emotion out. They are about temperament, neurodivergence, mental wellbeing, cultural expression. I think this feeling is partly contextual to the UK but honestly it’s all a bit mad how we are taught to suppress and internalise things. I used to be adept at turning emotional responses off as I feel things intensely so it seemed necessary. It was at the expense of my mental health. I’m not saying sobbing at your desk is ideal but if someone feels upset it’s okay not to suppress that. I have cried in conversations with trusted colleagues when I’ve been super frustrated. I wasn’t sad and it was a safe equally senior colleague - we are more friends. If you are regulated through deep breathing etc great but if you are being so grown up that you are pushing everything away to then deteriorate elsewhere that seems unhelpful. I think we need to have a bit more of a pause to understand the why of how someone responds and our own responses.

I would say that crying because you got wet in the rain is not an appropriate or logical response to the situation.

Having something to cry about every day is a bit unusual not because most adults are hiding their true emotions for fear of being seen as weak but because most of us have learnt some resilience and wouldn't be that upset by getting wet.

However, I notice you said you were on your way to an outreach wellbeing meeting, presumably this is to support you because you are struggling in some way, if so then I suspect you need to build your resilience a little? (If you are the outreach worker then you definitely need to work on your resilience)

Perhaps a stronger emotion than warranted if the reason you’re crying is because you got caught in the rain?

Vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness

Most people are arseholes.

Other than in certain contexts crying is completely healthy and natural. Shaming women for doing it says more about the judge than the crier.

My experience is quite the opposite.
I last cried on 10th November 2015.
It happens so rarely I could count the occasions during my life on the fingers of one hand.
This is learned and ingrained behaviour from an awful childhood.

I have been pressured to cry by a (crap) psychologist and have frequently been misjudged by people who decide I can’t have been upset because I don’t cry or behave in the way they do in extreme situations.

I have sometimes pondered making myself some Strictly style paddles to hold up with sad faces, distraught, furious or whatever so that stupid people can’t tell me how I was feeling at any given time based on their limited personal perspective.

I know I’ve seen in my DS12 a move from expressing sadness to showing anger, which seems to be a more socially acceptable option for boys. It’s something I’m actively trying to catch with him though because it’s not healthy and certainly not a safe option. While I know men often sublimate sadness to anger, I’m surprised at how early that process seems to start.